july21.qxp_Jan 2014 Aff 01/07/2021 19:50 Page 8
The Problem with
Positivity If you have read any of my articles before you will know that I try to be a positive and optimistic person. I genuinely believe that choosing to focus on the positive can have enormous benefits for our emotional and mental, and therefore our physical, wellbeing.
However, I also believe we need to keep things ‘real’. Positivity is important, but it needs to come from a place of sincerity and authenticity. Clearly, we won’t ‘feel’ positive everyday and life will throw us numerous very difficult challenges which will cause us to feel frustrated, angry, let down, disappointed, hurt, betrayed, sad or even heartbroken. At those times putting on a false smile may not help at all. In fact, people who counter the grief or despair of others with exhortations to look on the bright side may not only not help but may do harm through showing a complete lack of empathy. We are humans we ‘feel’ and those feeling have a purpose if we ignore them then usually that will be to our detriment.
Over recent years the term ‘toxic positivity’ has been used to describe the view that whatever awful stuff might be happening – we must stay positive. The danger of this is that it can minimise human emotions and can even induce guilt. As humans we need to know that our emotions and feelings are valid – because they are, and we don’t really choose our emotions. Telling someone they can choose happiness when they are faced with a bereavement, health issue, loss or difficulty of sometime can induce shame making them feel that it’s their fault. It can also rob people of a chance for growth – which we can probably all acknowledge is often part and parcel of the tough times. It’s like pretending the sun is shining even when it’s raining – we know plants need both sun and rain to grow – and we aren’t so very different. When situations are tough it’s understandable that many feelings and emotions may arise that are hard to handle, until we come to a place of acceptance. The quote below is from Michael J Fox who has Parkinson’s disease; “Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there has got to be a way through it”
Frankly some situations are dire, a false positivity won’t help in fact it can do harm but that doesn’t mean there is no room for positivity. Allow yourself to feel emotions, sit with them, acknowledge them, cry or rant if you need to but then make choices about how you will move forward.
When we acknowledge an emotion or feeling or the magnitude of a situation and allow ourselves to express how we feel that sort of paves the way for being able to choose to be positive not by denying what is happening and how awful it might be but choosing instead to concentrate on some of the things that might still be positive. The situation may not change but how we frame it and how we choose to respond can make at huge difference.
Many situations are pretty awful but almost always there are some small things to be grateful for, which don’t take away all the negative, difficult things but we can for a moment choose to concentrate on moments which are enjoyable or practical things like a comfy bed or enough food if indeed we have those. Being positive isn’t so much about ignoring the negative it’s making a conscious choice about what you will concentrate on.
There are times when it is absolutely right to sit with our feelings but there are also times when we can make a determined choice – although this might be hard - to focus on something else. Perhaps the kindness of others that may be helping us through our grief or choosing to concentrate on the things we are still able to do rather those what we can’t. Which is why acceptance of a situation and acknowledgement and expression of feelings are important – then we can choose to be positive in an authentic rather than false or toxic way.
I listened to a Ted talk the other day which really made me think. It was by a guy who was Vietnamese but had grown up in USA and spoke Vietnamese, English and studied Latin and Greek. What he was explaining was that in Vietnamese there isn’t a subjunctive – which is the way we express might have been, what we would have done given certain usually different circumstances. It’s the ‘should have’ ‘could have’ ‘would have’ way of speaking – which in many ways prevents acceptance. How many times have we revisited situations or even conversations, wishing we’d done or said things differently? Let’s be honest it’s not usually helpful. In case you want to listen, the link is below. So, I will continue to urge people to be positive but from a place of honest acceptance of the situation and the emotions this may cause. Why not visit the Facebook group ‘All About You’ for more help and support on ways you can achieve a happy, balanced and fulfilled life?
www.facebook.com/groups/AAYGroup/about
