AUGUST 2015
Brought to you by the mind of Alyssa Wigant
THE SECOND ISSUE Everything in this digest is original work by Alyssa Wigant. Alyssa is a college student who has a lot on her mind. She stays up late sometimes to write, hand-letter, take pictures of herself, and much more; all as a means to get feelings off of her chest. She is an artist who is facing many doubts and fears (as many do), and she is tired of being stuck. She wants a change of pace and heart, and whether you read this or not, she’s headed in that direction. Disclaimer: She uses curse words for emphasis.
August 2015 (c) Alyssa Wigant alyssarevolution.tumblr.com alyssawigant.com
A BRIEF INTRODUCTION Welcome to What I Got So Far, also known as WIG. This acronym was intentional considering my last name is Wigant, and this digest acts as a platform to share my notes on what I got so far. This is yet another one of my ongoing projects made to inspire you, but mostly to make sense of my thoughts and experiences. You can expect writing, art, photography, videos, late night thoughts, and whatever else I create within the specified month; all made for the sake of cracking the code of life and its struggles. This is about me, but take away from it what you want. My name is Alyssa Wigant and I’m tired of this rut.
I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF THE MIND AND THE LAW OF ATTRACTION. I AM MOTIVATED TO MANIFEST THE LIFE I WANT AND DESERVE BECAUSE I KNOW THAT DEEP DOWN I AM COMPLETELY CAPABLE.
THIS MONTH I WAS THANKFUL FOR: Good vibes Opportunity Traveling Music Communication My new bike Company Friendship Humility Introspection
IF I KNEW I COULD NOT FAIL, I’D PROBABLY DO THE SAME THING I’M DOING NOW, JUST WITH LESS PRESSURE ON MYSELF.
9:02 PM: I’m learning to take life less seriously. It’s difficult, but I feel like once I figure it out, it will lead me closer to the opportunities I want. It’s a really strange concept to me. I want to be goofy, make mistakes, and laugh more. I want to be more me and less what society wants me to be. I do my best now, but there’s still an M.O under all of it. I’m learning to let go, and think/do things that make me happy. I need this, and I’m feeling good about it. Or maybe it’s all the TED talks I’ve been watching about how you can make a living doing all the things you love, rather than finding a job that focuses on only one thing you like. We’ll see.
FEELINGS: Sometimes I think I feel too much. Maybe it’s because I’m a creative person, maybe because I’m an introvert, but whatever it is, feelings are tough to deal with when I have too much of them. There have been weeks where I would cry every day as a means to reach emotional catharsis when writing was inadequate, and now I usually cry once every two weeks. Sometimes it just takes one thing to put me over the edge and lose it in public. That happened today when I was riding my bike and forgot to signal that I was merging and didn’t see the car behind me. The car honked at me and I signaled ‘sorry’ and biked away. I could literally feel the emotions I’ve been holding back from this weekend start going up my throat and then caused me to burst out in tears behind my sunglasses. I started crying because, not only was that a scary moment, but it made me feel like I lost control of myself, my choices, my feelings. It’s more than just the event itself–I know how to ride a bike, how to signal, how to see a car; I just happened to make one mistake–it’s how that event is just another one of those tipping points for me. Why must this even be a constant for me? I keep wondering if these emotions are just all in my head–are they internally instigated or are they in response to external things? Am I overthinking things? Why do I always feel like things are my fault? I’m scared of myself. I keep feeling such negative energy, and–as my boyfriend says it–I’m drawing out a lot of emotional energy as a result of that. I want to feel happy and care-free, yet these feelings are overwhelming. I’m scared of life. I’m scared of losing people, and I’m scared that I will always make stupid decisions to be safe or to over-compensate for that fear.
RE: FEELINGS I’m frustrated with feeling like I am at fault for my vulnerability and fear. This is how I feel. I am unapologetically who I am and how I feel, and my feelings are allowed to change–they’re fucking feelings. They’re not supposed to be the same. All I can really be sure of right now is myself; not how I am affected by other people (though my interactions with others is important to me, they are still external and not completely my own) or their actions. I really, really need to be introspective and focus on my goals, on my strengths, on what gets me up in the morning, what I plan on doing with my life, because I am driven to get there. I won’t let anything stop me from fulfilling my aspirations. I know I can get there, I know it. And if anyone is going to stop me (intentionally or not), I need to stay on track. I don’t think this is selfishness–I think it’s perseverance. This moment in my life does not determine my life’s outcome. These feelings are not the only ones I can and will experience. I am capable, empowered, and work hard every day to prove to myself that I am worthy for the future I imagine. I can do it.
RE: VULNERABILITY
I’m trying to accept vulnerability and not be intimidated by it. It’s hard when it’s been so engrained into my lifestyle: to fear feelings of doubt, to believe that I will never be where I want to be, and to think that I’m never good enough. I need to savor the present.
I think finding inspiration comes easier when we are vulnerable. When we open our minds and hearts, there’s more space to be filled by outside elements. Perhaps instead of having a set plan of activities to accomplish every hour of every day, we should leave some room for openness. If we are too consumed in our own world, it’s easy to fall victim to our own needs instead of how we can help and be inspired by others.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE. WHAT WILL YOU MAKE OF IT? I haven’t been feeling my best (emotionally) lately. Today I realized that this is the youngest I’ll ever be, and that there’s only so much time left to immerse myself in creative projects before I move away and start a new chapter in my life. This terrifies me. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time that resulted in me losing most of the important connections in my life, my talents, my drive, everything. Maybe I’m not as good as I think. Maybe my confidence is just a sham. I get so anxious when I think about how I can turn my life around right now. How can I start something and make it a habit when I’m this scared of change? I feel helpless in all aspects of my life. Am I the one holding me back? I’m honestly so confused. Maybe this is my quarter-life crisis. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Guess I have to try harder, then.
BE HONEST: Something I learned this weekend is that the only thing you can do in most situations is be honest. But other than that, control is hard to grasp, and therefore so is stability. Especially in social situations, you’re only truly sure of your own feelings and that’s it. People will interpret what they will; they will be blinded by their own desires and visions, and sometimes the point will be lost along the way. In order to be true to yourself, you must be honest. Absolve yourself by being honest. But that’s really all you can do.
LISTEN:
Sometimes all anyone needs is someone who will listen to them. That’s it. That’s why I go to a counselor: I like having someone listen to my issues, maybe offer some advice, but doesn’t judge me. I don’t want someone to solve my issues or overanalyze them, because I can do that. The reason I tell people things is to let them know how I feel. When I let people know how their actions make me feel, I hope to make them aware of how their actions are affecting me. Them making excuses and arguing about the way I feel is not only invalidating, but also besides the point. No matter what someone’s intentions are, I still feel the way I feel because of the actions themselves. And if something keeps happening to me, I’m not the type to passively let it happen to me. I want to make others aware. Actions can hurt, but inaction hurts more.
I
t is so amazing to share similar experiences with fellow artists. I met up with my friend Matthew in Los Angeles this past weekend and we talked about similar issues regarding our art and how to “be successful”. He studies fine art at USC, and I study graphic communication at Cal Poly. We shared insight about what inspired us, how we deal with creative ruts, and our aspirations.
One thing he told me that stood out to me was something like: No matter what you want to do, you have the ability to do it. You just gotta keep doing everything that will get you to that point, so you’ll definitely get there eventually. The only way you won’t get there is if you give up. It’s really that easy. And as we talked more, I started to feel better about this self-inflicted creative rut I’ve been having. We realized that we put way too much pressure on ourselves as artists. We want to be wellknown, but it’s hard to get to that point without losing a little bit of ourselves in the process. Social media is hard. We agreed that putting ourselves on this online pedestal feels wrong, because it not only feels like we are asking for attention, but it also feels like we have to live up to the hype we build for ourselves. Another idea that we agreed on was that it’s okay to take breaks. He told me how, instead of drawing something every day (like he’s previously made himself do), he decided to immerse himself in other people’s art that he
wants to emulate. He loves comic books, so he’s been reading a ton of them to understand the way they are crafted. He said that, though he hasn’t been drawing every day, he still feels like he’s improved as an artist after going through comic books and watching cartoons (he wants to get into making cartoons). As for me, I’ve been reading books that inspire me. We came to the consensus that we, as artists, perform our best when our mind is in a good, relaxed, excited place. When we feel happy and healthy, creating art we like is natural–as opposed to when we are stressed out about whether the art meets our expectations. All in all, Matthew is awesome and I felt somewhat relieved after that meeting. I felt like, that encounter with the combination of reading about other artists and practicing my skills in a forgiving environment is really good for me right now. If feel like I’m improving as an artist and person. It’s always interesting to me how well artistic experiences can be applied so well to non-artistic situations.
RELEASE
listen
This is the first song I’ve written in 2015, and that’s a big deal for me. I’ve been feeling like I’m not as good as I think I am, therefore I haven’t been making much original, personal, work (which I know is a really dumb solution, because shouldn’t I use that as motivation to prove myself wrong? But why do I have to prove myself wrong in the first place? It’s complicated.). Anyway, this song is called “Release” and it’s about about me being so overwhelmed with feelings and external influences that I just want to find my happy place again. This isn’t the best recording (first draft, one take, on my phone), but it adds to the lo-fi homemade mood I didn’t know I was going for, I guess.
LYRICS I know this feeling far too well, it’s too familiar and I think that I’ll go to a place where I can fade away and release Let me tell you, in this place there’s no pressure there’s no hurt anymore I am free, I can fly, and I can stay awhile and release Every little thing seems to break me down Holding my composure, ‘cause I can’t make a sound Let me go to that place, come with me and fade away We’ll release We can dream we’ll be safe and we’ll be free I’ll release I’ll let go I’ll let my thoughts just flow In this place where I fade I’ll never run away from me
11 TIPS FOR ACHIEVING A BRIGHTER LIFE 1. Wake up and set an intention for your day to help keep you centered and focused. 2. Create a plan. Sit down, figure out what you want to do with your life, and list smaller steps to get there. Write it down and put it in a place that you can look at every day. 3. Drink water. 4. Be active. If not working out at the gym, then dance. Ride a bike. Hula Hoop. Do yoga. There’s something out there for everyone. 5. Get sunshine. 6. Be aware of or even write down what you’re thankful for. This will open yourself up to more positive energy around you. 7. Meditate. There’s apps called Headspace and Breathe that have assisted meditations that take less than 10 minutes. 8. Ditch people who bring you down. Focus on being with genuine people, and focus on being a genuine person. 9. Believe in the best. Don’t waste time doubting or lingering on negative energy. Things have a way of working out, especially if you believe it’s possible. 10. Participate. 11. Find your passion and make a lifestyle that caters toward it.
AUGUST 2015 PLAYLIST
listen
I either discovered these songs this month or really vibed with them. Hope you like them too
What You Don’t Do - Lianne La Havas
Keep - Geographer
I Look To You (ft. Kimbra) - Miami Horror
Too Much - Geographer
Forget it - Blood Orange
Chinatown - Wild Nothing
Funny Heartbeat - Kisses
Doors - Cardiknox
Green & Gold - Lianne La Havas
Idle Heart - Bear in Heaven
A Groove - Kisses
Sunshine - Tom Misch
Billie Jean - The Civil Wars
All The Time - Bahamas
Party Talk - Craft Spells
Salad Days - Mac Demarco
My Friends Never Die - ODESZA
Lucy - I’m From Barcelona
U Got (XXYXX Remix) - Sivik
Midnight on the Run - BoomBox
High You Are (Branchez Remix) - What So Not
Mr Boogie Man - BoomBox
Tell Me - RL Grime
Eye to Eye - Astronauts, Etc.
Bermuda - Kisses
Fall Harder - Skylar Spence
The Hardest Part - Kisses
Real Life - Brothertiger
Omen - Disclosure, Sam Smith
Tourist - Yuna
Kisses - Kisses
Able to See Me - Hippie Sabotage
Bury Your Heart - EZTV
We Won’t - Jaymes Young, Phoebe Ryan
Midnight Lover - Kisses Entropy - Grimes, Bleachers
o!
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THANK YOU FOR READING! A new issue of WIG will publish on the first of every month.
August 2015| Issue 2