RETAIL RANDOMS

BEFORE YOU GO: BALLET BEFORE VEGETABLES / ASPARAMANCY

ALBERT BALLET: TATTIES AND TIGHTS

You’re probably all familiar with Albert Bartlett spuds and you’re also probably aware of ballet, at least loosely – but we have the greatest confidence that you’ve never seen the two together.

This is a story we’ve covered before... but now we have the video.

To cut a very long story mercifully short, it goes a little something like this: Albert Bartlett, for reasons best known to themselves, employs Royal Ballet first soloist Reece Clarke as a brand ambassador. Unlikely as it seems, the company and the ambassador decided it would be a right laugh to perform a ballet in an Albert Bartlett factory in Jersey. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you... Tchaikovsky’s The Sleeping Beauty as you’ve never seen it before.

2021 PREDICTIONS... FROM AN ‘ASPARAMANCER’

January is a great time to unveil your list of predictions for the forthcoming year, so we thought you’d be keen to hear from Jemima Packington who is, according to the press release, a “world famous asparamancer and international TV celebrity”.

We’re sure you already know what an asparamancer is but just in case... an asparamancer apparently throws spears of asparagus onto a table and analyses the way they land to predict the future. Probably as sensible a way to predict the future as any other at the moment, to be fair.

Just to be clear, these predictions were made using Vale of Evesham asparagus spears.

1. The vaccines will bring a return to the new normal by June 2021.

2. Prince Harry will return to the UK on his own in March when he will be advised there will not be an extension to his current terms.

3. The Queen will make an important announcement in June including at least two Royal divorces.

4. Trump will be disowned by GOP members.

5. The world’s population will become kinder and more tolerant.

6. Big salaries for star sportsmen and the obsession with celebrities will become things of the past.

7. Foreign travel will become an occasional option rather than the annual norm.

8. Extremes of weather will continue.

9. There will be no second Scottish referendum.

10. Vale of Evesham asparagus will continue to be recognised as the world’s best and Gus will become a popular name for baby boys born in 2021.