! s k l o F , l l A s ' t a Th r o f l l a F t x e N k c a B Â e m o C t n e t n o C Fresh B.HOOVED
E D I T O R S
Logan Hughes & Tayl or Arnol d
B E W A R E
T H E
T H E
S E A L ,
B E W A R E
G O A T
Katya Mel chor L O C A L
M O M
R E A G A N
F I N D S
I N
S O N ' S
G H O S T
O F
R O N A L D
H A L L O W E E N
C A N D Y
Pat Behrens D O R I T O
C A S S E R O L E
Tayl or Arnol d I T ' S
T R A S H
W E A T H E R
Pai ge Kni ght
12 13 14 18 20 22
I S
I T
R E A L L Y
T H A T
B A D ?
Pat Behrens T H E R E ' S
L U C K
N O
S U C H
T H I N G
CONTENTS
T H E
E L B A T
6 8 10
F R O M
F O
2 4
L E T T E R S
A S
A N I M A L S
Neenah Cuero S P O O K Y S C O P E S :
S I G N S
A S
C O S T U M E S
Sammy Jo Ci enfuagos R E S P E C T
O U R
" L E A D E R "
Ben Wengrovi tz T R U M P ' S
C U R E
F O R
R A C I S M
Tayl or Arnol d I M P E A C H M E N T - J U I C E
Sammy Jo Ci enfuegos
B A D
LETTER FROM THE GRADUATING EDITOR Well, well, well, looks like we made it--or at least, I did. It’s been a hell-of-a four years at Sted’s, and even more chaotic two-and-a-half years with B.Hooved.
Like college, there are some things about being your EIC that I am going to miss, and some things that will continue to raise my anxiety levels just thinking about them for years to come. I’ll never get over the fact that y’all not only like us enough to stick around and read every issue, but that you have even managed to help us financially...well somewhat; we are all broke.
I have to be honest with y’all, when I started I had no idea what I was doing or why I was being trusted to carry out the mission of infiltrating your minds with laughter. But, as it turns out, curating a humor magazine is a lot easier--and dare I say fun--when you have some of the brightest, most ridiculous minds on your team!
So thank you, and I hope you’ll keep supporting us as your new editor, Taylor, takes the reigns. And if you don’t I will know because it’s not like I’m dying guys I’m just graduating and getting a big girl job, I’ll still be around, jeez. 2
Logan Hughes
LETTER FROM THE NEW EDITOR Taylor Arnold
*In a Mathew McConahay voice* Alright, Alright, Alright well this is it folks. The final hour of this wild semester has come to an end. Unfortunately, Logan is graduating and leaving me to handle this beautiful hot mess of a zine. I hope you all enjoy some of our faves from this past year as we have stock piled them all in one zine for you. While I’m sad that the only editor of B.Hooved I’ve ever known is leaving, I’m still ecstatic to bring you some fresh content next year (assuming America’s boredom with COVID continues and we just all decide that we’re “over it”). I’ll leave you all with this: keep this zine by your toilet for your next quarantine read, wear your masks, and for the love of god stay the fuck home. See y’all next year! Taylor
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Beware the Seal, Beware the Goat Katya Melchor - "Spooky Szn"
Alright you yerba mate consuming while crying, stripper deciding, stressed induced fuckers, I’ve decided to come out of the dark, depressing hole that I call my room to bring you to something that’ll make you reconsider forking over 60k to this place. Everyone and their mother knows about the traditions of St. Edward’s University. One of the main things that they beat us over the head with is to never, under any circumstances walk over the school’s seal in the courtyard outside of occupation that people have visited St. Edward’s, whether it be for college visits, orientation or anchors, we’ve been conditioned to never walk over the seal.
Why’s that? Why do they always tell us to never step on it? Any logical person will tell you that they don’t want the seal to get dirty or that the foundation is weak and each step will cause it to sink. But you’re not here to hear any of that, cause then what’s the purpose of you reading this? I’m here to talk about the ‘alternative’ and frankly way more logical idea about the seal. Let’s begin shall we?
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NO! You don’t. It’s like they just disappeared into thin air. I remember walking to rags after class and I saw this woman, probably a Karen, who walked over the seal like no-one's damn business. I was slack-jawed and looked around to see if anyone else was shocked. No one, and I mean no one blinked an eye. It boggles my mind, if this is one of our most valued traditions, why didn’t anyone stop her? After that, I never saw her on campus ever again. I guess that’s what she gets for trying to talk to the manager. Anyway, I have a feeling that the secret society The reason we aren’t allowed to discreetly takes them away to a walk on the seal is because if we location that is barely touched by do, a secret society within St. the rest of society, probs East Hall, Edward’s will take you away and turns them into a goat, and keeps turn you into a goat to be paraded them there until there’s an around events. Now why would I event. So, there you go, that’s the say this? Well think about it, do real reason why they don’t want you see anybody after they step anyone stepping on the on that fucking thing? seal. Toppers up y’all. 5
Local Mom Finds Ghost of Ronald Reagan in son's Halloween candy Pat Behrens - "Spooky Szn"
Blue, Indiana Karen Price was shocked when her 8 year old son, Ethan, opened his Halloween candy this year. A spectral mist jetted out from Ethan’s King Size Twix bar, funneling into his nostrils. “I really didn’t know what to think. At first, I thought it was a cloud of cocaine or something,'' Karen explains “...but I was wrong. It was the ghost of Ronald Reagan. The ghost of Ronald Reagan has taken over my son.” The Plum Grove’s neighborhood watch, alerted by the piercing wails from the Price residence, quickly arrived at the scene in
their new HOA sponsored golf carts (bought by the recent Jimmy Buffett themed neighborhood fundraiser). Eyewitness, Richard Beans, Plum Grove’s Head Law Enforcement Liaison, described the scene, “Little Ethan was all curled up on the ground when we got to the Price household. He looked like the bug I had to kill for my wife earlier this week. Lepis-ima saccharina, the elusive silverfish. He was stiff like a board, and shook violently, like a board when someone shakes it. He was saying stuff like ‘tickle down economics’ and ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this lego house!’. Ethan, evidently, has not been the 6
same since. He awoke from the “Kit Kat incident” and disavowed any of the Halloween candy that he just collected.
“I refuse to take your handouts,'' Ethan proclaimed as he marched around the suburb. In the following week, Ethan soon amassed a following of contemporaries, conspiring a plan to “ensure the candy was going into the hands of the hardest working individuals.” Ben Feinstein, a 7th grader at Carter Middle School explains, “I think I get it. Ethan has us taking all of our candy and giving it over to the rich kids at Goldwater Estates across the street.” Ethan claims the children at Goldwater Estates will take a small amount of candy and distribute the majority of it back to kids in Plum Grove. 7
Feinstein continues, “I’m seeing good stuff. I mean, that’s what Ethan told me was happening. So far the Goldwater kids gave me back a half-eaten Almond Joy and some smashed up Necco wafers. I’m excited.
Dorito Casserole Taylor Arnold - Vodka Aunt's Guide for Starving College Students
Hey bitches, I have a recipe that will literally induce constipation but delight your taste buds until you’re overcome with nausea. If you’re lactose intolerant with a self-destructive streak, you’re in the right place. Somewhere deep in my mother’s brain was born a recipe that I was both blessed and scarred with in my childhood. She had a deep love for Doritos, whether it be in her soup or with her sandwiches. This shit, however, is some kind of concoction not for the faint of heart. If you want an exciting Thanksgiving internally, give this cheesy recipe a shot:
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It's Trash Weather! Paige Night - Vodka Aunt's Guide for Starving College Students
It’s officially the perfect weather for my favorite family recipe. Sure, every family has a special Chex mix recipe, but nobody does it like mine. This shit is so addictive, you’d think it’s laced with crack (it’s not)... (or is it?). If you don’t believe me, whip up a batch yourself; it’s officially Texas Trash Weather, and I’m about to gift you a prized family secret.
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Texas Trash Recipe Ingredients:
2 sticks of butter
1 box of corn Chex cereal
2 packets of regular taco
1 bag of pretzel sticks
seasoning
1 container of French fried onions
1 box of rice Chex cereal
1 container of shoestring potatoes
Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350°F 2. Cook chicken breast in a crock pot if you have one (broke asses if you don’t). 3. Spray the dish with Pam butter. 4. Crunch half the bag of doritos and put them on the bottom of the dish. 5. Add one layer of shredded chicken on top. 6. Add a grotesque amount of sharp cheddar cheese . 7. Repeat until the bag of doritos is empty. 8. Cook until cheese is so melted you could choke. 9. Serve with a side of doritos. 10
“Is it Really that Bad?” Pat Behrens - A Trumptastic Dystopia
Alright. So Trump won. Again. Big whoop! This, for whatever reason, is a “contentious issue.” I don’t think it’s really all that bad. Think about it. We sat through four years of media scorn and praise, depending on who you’re talking to. We sat through four years of policy changes and public apologies. Is this really the worst thing that can happen? Look at the facts: My 2015 Volkswagen Golf consistently gets great gas mileage, my internet has only slowed down a little bit (likely because of my new roommate/girlfriend Elizabeth, but she doesn’t use the wifi that much anyway), and I finally lost two pounds (#keto). I see no real cons to this. Sure, Trump is noisy and makes a fuss every now and then, but isn’t that the fun of it all? Change your perspective. Open your eyes. It keeps me on the edge of my seat. “Oh! What’s he gonna do next?”. It’s like a reality show but we’re living inside of it. Kind of a mind flip if you ask me. We’re all a little bit more famous now on the global front, us Americans. Hate to flex @France, but we’re going a bit loosey-goosey, again. Nothing is really changing. I haven’t noticed any huge changes in my community. I mean, sure, the Hardees down the road was replaced by an upscale salad restaurant (major sadness, compadre), but that's not too bad. We still have the McDonald’s resting between the Starbucks and Super Target. I can still get my greasy fix when I need it.
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All I’m saying is, this situation could be much worse. It’s not like America has gone off the rails or anything. We’re a strong nation that prides itself on pure family values and inclusivity. People make it seem like our leaders would do something awful like forcefully tear families apart or extort foreign powers into attacking a presidential nominee of an opposing viewpoint. We are led by very brave and honest politicians, people who care about every single constituent. They wouldn’t teach us it in school if it wasn’t true.They’re really the figurehead of democracy. You just cannot buy off these selfless souls. They are dedicated to their craft. Dedicated. That’s their job. It’s impossible to become a public servant if you’re that self-interested. They sacrifice so much time and money to ensure we all are taken care of. I do not like to brag, but I’m pretty informed on all of this political stuff. Every few months I’ll take a little dip into the first couple of articles on the news outlets. I’m not like all the other one-track thinkers out there. I look at a couple of websites: Breitbart, Daily Mail, and even Fox News. I know. I get all the political views in there. I guess what I’m getting at is, is all this really worth the hubbub? Is this really that bad?
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THere's No Such Thing As Bad Luck Animals Neenah Cuero - Spooky Szn
Black cats are the closest thing to g*d that we can get to. You’ll never have a sweeter animal in your life than a befriended black cat. Unfortunately, every Halloween, my family has to protect our baby from punk ass bitches looking to start trouble with black cats. P.S., if you declaw your cat, I will do the same to you. If y’all were like me and had some man come into your elementary school gym class every year to tell you not to touch bats, you’ve probably never touched a bat. Rabies! Rabies!!
RABIES!!!
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But c’mon dude. All they wanna do is eat fruits and suck blood like anyone else. That being said, if you see a bat on the ground, in the daytime, call a bat rescue or something. Crows could probably complete your degree faster than you, just saying. I’m convinced that humans created a stigma around crows because we were too intimidated by their intelligence. What’s all this nonsense about a “murder” of crows? Death omens?? The only people who are intimidated by that are true cowards. Embrace the crow. Love the crow.
Spookyscopes:
Signs as cosutmes Sammy Jo Cienfuegos - Spooky Szn
Aries
Lola Bunny from Space Jam: Dressing up in athletic wear really showcases an Aries’ big ball of energy. Dressing up really appeals to an Aries’ inner child so get those rabbit ears and fuzzy tails ASAP! But make sure to pass the ball to other players this year; it’s not all about you.
Taurus
Morticia Addams: Tauruses are known for their luxurious looks. Wearing high quality and stylish clothing really showcases their bull-like tendencies. (Think matadors!) Morticia and Gomez also know how to balance style with comfort, which is a Taurus’ forte. Don yourself in all black and live out your greatest fantasies. But make sure to step out of the house for once!
Gemini
Stefon from SNL: Dress up as the king of Geminis to really showcase your communicative and creative nature. The tattoo sleeves will really showcase your indecisiveness, because we all know you could never choose just one. This is also a perfect opportunity for you to practice your stand up. Everyone knows you’re the funniest of the zodiac. Don’t be so soft-spoken this year. Speak up against all of the critics and let them know YOU are the one who knows all of the greatest party spots. 14
Cancer
Leo
Evil Queen from Snow White: Leo, you are meant to wear a crown, but your crown does come at a cost. You have a deep superiority complex, but you can really live out your holier-thanthou desires with this costume. Let all of the Snow White’s know who’s boss tonight. But please remember to come back to reality sometime during the night. Or else you’ll just be completely unbearable.
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DIY Cat Costume: As the animal lover of the Zodiac, a cat costume is perfect for you. And we’re sure you also need some art therapy during this time of the year. Don’t let people step over you today, and let your claws out. You’re going to look gorgeous AND be comfortable, which is all a Cancer ever needs. But make sure to wear waterproof eyeliner. We don’t want a repeat of last year.
Virgo
Joker: There’s something about the Joker that you identify with, which we’re not going to say is a good thing or a bad thing. (It’s a very bad thing.) But the Joker costume really allows you to step out of your organized routine of cleanliness. Smear that makeup on your face and go wild. You deserve to go wild once in a while. But don’t go too far, incels.
Scorpio
Capricorn
Sabrina Spellman: Really show us your power tonight and dress up as everyone’s favorite witch. We all know you reign supreme over all things magical, but tonight’s the night to really show us. We also know you were really boring before fully committing to the Dark Lord. So give in to the dark night and have some fun! But also remember, your higherups do know more and it’s time to shut up and listen.
Store-Bought Spiderman Costume: As a usual juggler of responsibilities, Spider Man is the perfect costume for you. You’re a photographer, pizza delivery guy, and a superhero! You’re hardworking and motivated, but beware of becoming boring and mean. We don’t want a Tobey Maguire; we want Tom Holland all the way. Loosen up this Halloween.
Sagittarius
Wonder Woman: You’re a natural born leader and would fight the war to end all wars if you could. (You can!) Your perseverance will really be able to shine through as the princess of the Amazons. And you’ll be able to wear something really tight and cute, which can lead to other adventures we’re sure you’ll enjoy. But remember that you can’t be travelling forever. Yes, the world does need you, but stop. No one likes an unreliable princess.
Libra
Tinker Bell: As the prettiest sign of the Zodiac, you can appreciate Tinker’s gorgeous green dress and sparkly wings. You can probably also add a string of pearls and some statement earrings to make this look more you. Have your sig oth (or BFF) dress up as Peter Pan! We know you’d die without your partner’s attention, so really show the world that tonight. But avoid taking from Peter Pan’s likability, and get your own personality for tonight. 16
Pisces
Alice in Wonderland: Like Alice, you struggle with distinguishing between what’s real and what’s imagined/romanticized. The color blue is really important to you, so Alice’s iconic blue dress is perfect for you! You also love fairy tales so reenacting this classic should be a blast. But please make sure to not flood the room with your tears this year, Pisces.
Aquarius
Steve Harrington: Dress up as one of your many niche interests this year. And what better one than your favorite Scoops Ahoy scooper? With that hair that holds all your secrets and the bat that protects those you love, all of the Eleven’s at the party will look at you in awe. You’ll finally get the attention you deserve, you quirky Aquarius. Don’t fall for Robin though; she’s definitely not interested. 17
Respect Our "Leader" Benjamin Wengrovits - A Trumptastic Dystopia
Democracy is a beautiful thing. No one man has all the power and all us citizens have a say in who rules the government.
Too bad our president doesn't believe in that idea.
Last night was a big change in our government since Donald J. Trump had won the 2020 election and reclaimed his spot at the top of his orange throne. Usually it would be fine but under the first act of his re-election was that he has become dictator Trump. I am not sure how he wiggled his grimy hands through the constitution to figure this out but all I knew was that tomorrow’s government class would have quite a few things to say about this. “Quiet down and take your seats everyone class started thirteen seconds ago!� My teacher Mr. Gimli yelled as we all scurried to sit down so we didn't get kicked out of class. Mr. Gimli was my teacher for college government and nobody liked this guy and today was going to solidify the hate most students have for him.
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All I could think while sitting in class was how much insanity would brew once Mr. Gimli spoke the words “Trump” but all I was doing was waiting for that moment. Who doesn’t love a bit of chaos in their life. “Have a good rest of your day,” Mr. Gimli spoke as class had started. All of us students looked towards him with widened eyes. Class just started and he told us to take our seats and now he is letting us leave? This baffled us all. No one packed up because their had to be a catch. We just sat there looking at his face waiting for more words. Did I mention this was a liberal college. “Have a good rest of your day once you all accept our new dictator." Once I see all of you bow to him you can leave, you see that picture behind y’all. Bow down and then we can leave. Our new dictator is perfect in every way and you can not leave until you do this.” These were the last words Mr. Gimli would say before the classroom exploded in anger. Chairs were being thrown. Backpacks smashing into walls and no one was speaking at a regular volume anymore. Another tally mark was added on the wall behind me symbolizing days. Thirteen days of this madness. Mr. Gimli sat at his desk reading the newspaper and we all looked at each other with defeated faces and we were defeated. We all walked to the painting and got on our knees and bowed. Never had I felt this defeat until today. You win Mr. Gimli. You win Dictator Trump.
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Trump's Cure for Racism Taylor Arnold - A Trumptastic Dystopia
Ladies and gents, our leader of 55 years now has proposed a new way to snuff out the resistance’s claim that Trump is a racist bigot. He has proposed that we all swallow our pride and join the orange nation: we should all become orange toned so that there is no race other than Trump’s. The perfect color is that of Cheeto dust, which will be dropped from planes at approximately midnight on Trumpday. Cheeto dust is the perfect cure to all complaints about a racist society. In a recent post on the new, improved, and government issued Twitter, Trump exclaimed:
Soon the entire nation will all be the same orange complexion and thus there will be no reason to claim anything about racism ever again. 20
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Impeachment-Juice Sammy Jo Cienfuegos - Spooky Szn
The clock struck midnight and not a word was said at the White House, for everyone was scared of saying the cursed word three times. They all knew that once Donald was impeached, their power would fade away. Yes, they’d still have money, but what about the influence? The power to grant pardon, appoint cabinet officials, command the armed forces, and lead the nation would all be gone. And the worst thing of all: Donald wouldn’t have access to the Oval Office. There are dark secrets held in that office. Dark secrets Donald would die for. Melania grew tired of the silence and broke it by saying, “But why don’t we talk about the impeachme-” Donald interrupted with,
“Because it’s simply not going to happen. I’m the best president this nation has seen and I need to make it great. Don’t even think about saying that word. MAGA!” Donald’s daughter, Ivanka, added, “But maybe if you got impeached, we’d have more time to spend on my shoe line.” “Don’t say it! I need the power!,” said Donald. Melania and Ivanka exchanged a glance. They stayed quiet as the days went on. They just watched out the window as the sun went up and down, up and down, up and down.
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They watched as their precious Donald appointed rapists and racists in positions of power. They watched as their precious Donald was accused of being a rapist and a racist.
hey couldn’t see their Donald in that light, but they knew in their hearts that it was true. They watched as Donald met with war criminals and supported Nazis. They watched as he undid the few good things the country had going for it. They watched the Women’s Marches and the 23
Climate Protests and decided that enough was enough. They knew what had to be done. Donald was in the Oval Office, doing things he shouldn’t be. Melania and Ivanka weren’t allowed in. There was a big sign at the door that read, “Man working. Women continue to clean up my mess.” They knocked the door down and walked into the most horrifying scene. It was messy and sticky and god-awful. No matter how much they wanted to look away, they couldn’t. Their precious Donald was into baby play. He was donned in a diaper and bib that read, “Vladdy’s Little Girl.” He was being fed milk and carrot mush by none other than Vladimir Putin himself. There was carrot mush and milk splashed all over the floor.
The infamous duo hadn’t noticed Ivanka and Melania yet.
They looked at each other and knew what they had to do next. They started chanting, “Impeachment! Impeachment! Impeachment!”
“Baby wants his milkie!” shouted Donald.This led Ivanka into a horrifying, high-pitched shriek. Donald and Vladimir jumped out of Donald shouted in return, “No! Do their seats and shouted in unison, you know what you’ve done? She’ll “It’s not what it looks like!” be here any second!” But Ivanka and Melania knew exactly what was going on. They could handle the fact that their Donald is a racist, homophobic, xenophobic rapist that hates everything that isn’t his reflection. But they couldn’t deal with this.
Rocking a slicked back green hairdo and a striped power suit, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez walked into the office and said one thing that would change their lives forever, “Your time is up. We’re taking back the House.”
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THIS
RAD
BROUGHT CONTRIBUTORS Co-Editors-In-Chief Logan Hughes Taylor Arnold
Staff Patrick Behrens Paige Knight Sammy Jo Cienfuegos Ben Wengrovits Katya Melchor Neenah Cuero
Copyeditor Jazmin Valesquez
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