A Trumptastic Dystopia by b.hooved

A TRUMPTASTIC DYSTOPIA

TRUMP 6969 B.HOOVED

TABLE OF CONTENTS 01

DEAR VODKA AUNT

RESPECT OUR LEADER

A MODERN MODEST PROPOSAL: EAT THE RICH RECIPE YOU SHOULD DO FOR CHRISTMAS

PLAYLIST

HOROSCOPES

IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?

PROPAGANDA ALERT: TRUMP'S CURE TO RACISM?

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR If you're reading this, I hope you are one of us and not one of them. If you're unaware, Trump won the 2020 election and has done what we all feared: murdered democracy. However, consider this zine as the written form of the resistance. You had to know that B.Hooved would be the rebels baby! You all thought you had read all there was about spooky szn but nothing is spookier than our dictator's Twitter. I hope you all enjoy the first issue of the year and, don't worry, we're still just as crazy as we were before this suffocating regime tried to squash comedy. Happy Election Year Taylor Arnold Editor and Chief

DEAR VODKA AUNT The Trump dictatorship kinda has me in a bit of a rut. I’m not sure why, but I’m feeling really down lately. Maybe it’s the lack of access to birth control and abortions, governmentenforced curfew for everybody that isn’t a straight white male, or all the Nazis running rampant through the streets. Or maybe I’m just going through a personal rough patch; I can’t be sure. I was just wondering if you have any advice on how to keep living, laughing, and loving during the new Trump Regime? Kindly, Roughing it during the regime

Hello Roughing it, I’m not sure how we’re supposed to live, laugh, and love during these times. If I’m honest, the Trump regime has been kinda tough for me too. In particular, I’ve been having a hard time with the drinking restrictions. I’m not sure if you saw the new order, but Trump is mandating that women can only drink wine because hard liquor isn’t “lady like.” I was doing okay until this order, but now I’m finding it hard to keep my usually carefree mindset; my one glass of Rosé a night just isn’t doing it for me. To add insult to injury, my homemade jewelry business hasn’t been doing so well. Ever since women and all other minorities got banned from using the internet, my clientele has taken a considerable hit. The only reason my Etsy page is still up and running is because my government-mandated husband, Tom, is sympathetic toward women’s issues and he lets me use the computer in the fifteen minutes between my household chores and his foot rub before bed. And speaking of Tom, I don’t want to complain — like I said, he’s very sympathetic — but he’s not much of a looker. If I was gonna get married, I always expected that he’d be an eight or higher. Tom’s about a four and that’s putting it kindly. I might have to write a letter to Trump and his people about getting me somebody that’s at least a six.

I’ll just have to get Tom to drive me to the post office to get stamps and mail it; it’s been so hard to get around ever since Trump’s regime voided all women’s licenses after Trump read a Breitbart article about how women biologically lack the brain capacity to drive cars. Things are so tough for me, I can’t see how it could get any worse. My life is just so depressing with the constant news reports about concentration camps and hate crimes, it makes my days so hard to bear and I only have a cheap glass of wine to make me feel better at night. I hate to disappoint my fans, but I’m really not sure how we’re supposed to live, laugh, and love with all that’s been going on. I did see a glimmer of hope during last night’s fifteen-minute internet surf, however. Apparently some people are organizing something called a “coup,” so maybe we could help with that. I’m not sure what’s involved in one of these “coups,” but I saw some pictures of people carrying this large wooden contraption up to the White House. I think the article called it a “guillotine.” Maybe these people are bringing Trump this “guillotine” as a gift to persuade him to make things easier on us. Now that I think of it, I might ask Tom if he could drive me up to Washington so that I can participate in this coup. I think that could be a really nice and productive way to spend my time and make myself feel better. Write back in to let me know if you end up helping with the coup and maybe we could meet up! Hitch a ride to the coup, Vodka Aunt

RESPECT OUR 'LEADER' Ben Wengrovitz Democracy is a beautiful thing. No one man has all the power, and all us citizens have a say in who rules the government. Too bad our "president" doesn't believe in that idea. Last night was a big change in our government since Donald J. Trump had won the 2020 election and reclaimed his spot at the top of his orange throne. Usually it would be fine but the first act of his re-election was that he has become dictator Trump. I am not sure how he wiggled his grimy hands through the constitution to figure this out but all I knew was that tomorrow’s government class would have quite a few things to say about this.

“Quiet down and take your seats everyone class started thirteen seconds ago!” My teacher Mr. Gimli yelled as we all scurried to sit down so we didn't get kicked out of class. Mr. Gimli was my teacher for college government and nobody liked this guy and today was going to solidify the hate most students have for him. All I could think while sitting in class was how much insanity would brew once Mr. Gimli spoke the words “Trump." All I was doing was waiting for that moment. Who doesn’t love a bit of chaos in their life. “Have a good rest of your day.” Mr. Gimli spoke as class had started. All of us students looked towards him with widened eyes. Class just started and he told us to take our seats and now he is letting us leave? This baffled us all. No one packed up because their had to be a catch. We just sat there looking at his face waiting for more words.

Did I mention this was a liberal college. “Have a good rest of your day once you all accept our new dictator. Once I see all of you bow to him you can leave, you see that picture behind y’all. Bow down and then we can leave. Our new dictator is perfect in every way and you can not leave until you do this.” These were the last words Mr. Gimli would say before the classroom exploded in anger. Chairs were being thrown. Backpacks smashing into walls and no one was speaking at a regular volume anymore. This was chaos but not the kind I was waiting for. Everyone spoke out their anger about this garbage idea. One after another each student expressed their deep hate for this idea.Done after another each student expressed their deep hate for this idea. Nobody wanted this other than Mr. Gimli. But we couldn’t leave. The door locked and all the windows were covered by metal. We wanted to think it was only us but the entire school was on lockdown til we bowed down to him. We wouldn’t back down… but maybe we should. So much time has passed. Another tally mark was added on the wall behind me symbolizing days. Thirteen days of this madness. Mr. Gimli sat at his desk reading the newspaper and we all looked at each other with defeated faces and we were defeated. We all walked to the painting and got on our knees and bowed. Never had I felt this defeat until today. You win Mr. Gimli. You win Dictator Trump.

A MODERN MODEST PROPOSAL: EAT THE RICH RECIPE Calista Robledo

Hello everyone! I know we are all finding ways to cope with the second installment of the Trump Regime; an unfortunate series of events I wish Netflix would cancel. But as we look towards the polluted sky for hope, I think what the world needs right now is a really good snack. Now I am not suggesting we dig up that box of cheez-its in our nightstand, but what I am suggesting is we contribute to the good of society and satisfy our mediocre hunger by eating the rich. Now I know this sounds crazy, with the majority of the rich holding very important and powerful positions in society, but if you think about it, and follow the ideology of Abby Lee Miller: “Everyone is Replaceable” it is possible. Even the rich need to be challenged to do better every once in awhile too! We should not leave the fear of being replaced to performers only! As an American society, we must make like our president and project fear into the minds and hearts of the rich, so they are motivated to use dat cash for good. The recipe for eating the rich is every month, there will be an election. This election is only available for those who can recite the great twenty-first century philosopher Lady Gaga’s iconic line: “I’m beautiful in my way/ ‘cause God makes no mistakes/ I’m on the right track baby I was born this way” if this line is recited at the polls then they be allowed to enter. However, in order to avoid Trump’s drones, headed by Mark Zuckerberg, we will disguise the event as a local evangelical conference. This way we appease the Vice President, Mike Pence, and it won’t even cross Trump’s mind because he is not religious! At this function, individuals will vote for which rich person to eat that month, and the winner of this un-rigged election will receive a phony phone call an oil opportunity. Then our mafia allies will… commit the deed. Their body will be shipped to Texas and smoked in Terry Black’s Barbecue’s tremendous smoker.

After their body has been smoked for a good 12-God knows how many hours, each polling place will receive a generous serving of the rich for their local marginalized voters.Â Since every form of communication except the U.S Postal service is regulated by the government; every month the rich will receive letters with a report of how they spend their richness. Myself and my partners will write out these letters and explain the consequence of the possibility of them being eaten.Â Thank you for making it to the end of this newsletter! I hope you found this information helpful and you support the Eating the Rich Foundation. Please spread the word to anyone who is not a straight white male, as they might have ties to the rich.

PLAYLIST A Playlist for the Proletariat Logan Hughes

1. It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, R.E.M. 2. Highway to Hell, AC/DC 3. I Want To Break Free, Queen 4. Season of the Witch, Donovan 5. This is America, Childish Gambino 6. Comfortably Numb, Pink Floyd 7. House of the Rising Sun, The Animals 8. Uprising, Muse 9. Despacito, Luis Fonsi ft. Daddy Yankee 10. thank u, next, Ariana Grande 11. We The People…., A Tribe Called Quest

sad. o s s i s i Th pacito s e d y a l p Alexa

HOROSCOPES: MERCURY RETROGRADE Sammy Jo Cienfuegos

Aries: Most Likely to Set a World Record Communication’s already going to be tough, so Aries, you fiery little beings, have patience and don’t make any rash decisions. This isn’t the right time to start a relationship but it is time to pick up those projects that you put on the backburner. C’mon, this is Mr. Right #23 and you need to get to work. Give it up for now. Everything’s about to get really, really good! Taurus: Most Likely to Move Out Your comfort and sense of security are really important to you all year, but this retrograde is going to hit you right where it hurts so good. Focus on those home improvement projects that have been on your Pinterest board for months. And if this doesn’t apply, catch up on your favorite shows on HGTV. It’ll give you all of the comfort you’ve been yearning for. Gemini: Most Likely to Become a Hermit Oh Gemini. Dear, dear gemini. Times haven’t been easy and you feel like no one understands you. Your self care tip this retrograde is: stay in. Focus on you. Watch your favorite movie, paint a sunset, or even write that song you’ve been meaning to write. It’s time to recharge. Time taken for yourself isn’t wasted time and self-care can be fun, too! Take it easy and everything you’ve been wanting will fall right into your lap. Cancer: Most Likely to Sleep Through this Retrograde Your comfort usually comes from naps, but this retrograde, your need to rest will be amplified. You might not feel as creative but take this time to get some mundane tasks out of the way. Go grocery shopping, file your taxes, and remember to go to the polls for early voting. Your creativity will come back to you but you need to get everything else done first. You’re going to transform this retrograde, Cancer, and it’s going to be beautiful. Leo: Most Likely to be a Supporting Role You’re always the star of the show-- the leading role. But this retrograde, let somebody else steal the show. You’ve had your moment but you really need to enjoy some solitude right about now. It’s time to do absolutely nothing. Just lay there. Just vibe. You’ll step into the limelight again soon. Virgo: Most Likely to Write Poetry This is a weird time for Virgos. You’re usually so eloquent but right now, you might feel like you don’t have the right words to express how you’ve been feeling. You should be spending some time to really think about your next step. Remember, the best and most expansive growth comes from being in uncomfortable situations. It’s your time to bloom!

HOROSCOPES Libra: Most Likely to Feel Lonely Dear Libra, you always see the best in people, but maybe this time, you’ve taken it a little too far. Look around and decide who you want to keep in your life post-retrograde. Spend this time tuning up the things you like about yourself and stop looking for those same qualities in other people. It’s all about you this retrograde so put on your Glossier lip gloss and make some heads turn. Things might be rough but every day is going to be a good hair day for you… so there’s that. Scorpio: Most Likely to Become a Billionaire Nothing really seems to faze you Scorpio and that’s extremely evident during this retrograde. You are so focused on your path and because of all of your hard work and determination, the universe is ready to reward you. Get excited! You’re so powerful every single day but you have that little extra oomph during this retrograde. Sagittarius: Most Likely to go on a Roadtrip Like Scorpio, this retrograde’s going to be a breeze. Take this time when you’re objectively more powerful than the other signs to really teach everyone else how to thrive. Plan a road trip with your friends and impress them with your ability to make any and every situation fun. You’re doing a lot better than you think you are. Go you! Capricorn: Most Likely to Download Tinder Capricorn, you need to stop repressing your emotions. You can’t do it all on your own. You always have lots of exciting and innovative ideas, but you might have recently noticed that you need a partner as determined as you to reach your goals. It’s time to let down your walls and trust people. If you do, the end of retrograde will bring you all of the fame and success that you’ve been so desperately craving. Aquarius: Most Likely to Overthrow the Government Aquarius, you might be feeling a little disappointed with how things are going, but you don’t have to feel that way for much longer. You have so much power in your hands to create real change. Your irritability and moodiness will subside once you realize this. Start a rally. What you want is coming. Pisces: Most Likely to Write a Hit Song Dreamy Pisces, this is your season. Do you feel the power? Do you feel the love? You should! You’re undergoing great transformations that you’ve been wanting for a while now. We are all truly rooting for you.

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“IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?” By xXx_King_Jarod_Meatball_Prince_xXX

Alright. So Trump won. Again. Big whoop! This, for whatever reason, is a “contentious issue”. I don’t think it’s really all that bad. Think about it. We sat through four years of media scorn and praise, depending on who you’re talking to. We sat through four years of policy changes and public apologies. Is this really the worst thing that can happen? Look at the facts: My 2015 Volkswagen Golf consistently gets great gas mileage, my internet has only slowed down a little bit (likely because of my new roommate/girlfriend Elizabeth, but she doesn’t use the wifi that much anyway), and I finally lost two pounds (#keto). I see no real cons to this. Sure, Trump is noisy and makes a fuss every now and then, but isn’t that the fun of it all? Change your perspective. Open your eyes. It keeps me on the edge of my seat. “Oh! What’s he gonna do next?”. It’s like a reality show but we’re living inside of it. Kind of a mind flip if you ask me. We’re all a little bit more famous now on the global front, us Americans. Hate to flex @France, but we’re going a bit loosey-goosey, again. Nothing is really changing. I haven’t noticed any huge changes in my community. I mean, sure, the Hardees down the road was replaced by an upscale salad restaurant (major sadness, compadre), but that's not too bad. We still have the McDonald’s resting between the Starbucks and Super Target. I can still get my greasy fix when I need it.

Can you believe this shit? 12

All I’m saying is, this situation could be much worse. It’s not like America has gone off the rails or anything. We’re a strong nation that prides itself on pure family values and inclusivity. People make it seem like our leaders would do something awful like forcefully tearing families apart or extorting foreign powers into attacking a presidential nominee of an opposing viewpoint. We are lead by very brave and honest politicians, people who care about every single constituent. They wouldn’t teach us it in school if it wasn’t true.They’re really the figurehead of democracy.You just cannot buy off these selfless souls. They are dedicated to their craft. Dedicated. That’s their job. It’s impossible to become a public servant if you’re that self-interested. They sacrifice so much time and money to ensure we all are taken care of. I do not like to brag, but I’m pretty informed on all of this politic stuff. Every few months I’ll take a little dip into the first couple of articles on the news outlets. I’m not like all the other one-track thinkers out there. I look at a couple of websites: Breitbart, Daily Mail, and even Fox News. I know. I get all the political views in there. I guess what I’m getting at is, is all this really worth the hubbub? Is this really that bad?

PROPAGANDA ALERT: TRUMP'S CURE TO RACISM? Taylor Arnold

Ladies and gents, our leader of 55 years now has proposed a new way to snuff out the resistance’s claim that Trump is a racist bigot. He has proposed that we all swallow our pride and join the orange nation: we should all become orange toned so that there is no race other than Trump’s. The perfect color is that of Cheeto dust, which will be dropped from planes at approximately midnight on Trumpday. Cheeto dust is the perfect cure to all complaints about a racist society. In a recent post on the new, improved, and government issued Twitter, Trump exclaimed: “Those do nothing Dems have really got something coming for them this time!!IM NOT RACIST AND EVERYONE WILL SEE”

Soon the entire nation will all be the same orange complexion and thus there will be no reason to claim anything about racism ever again.

bhoovededitor@gmail.com b.hooved

HoovedB

THE RESISTANCE BROUGHT TO YOU BY Taylor Arnold Editor-in-Chief Logan Hughes Supporting Editor Staff Patrick Behrens Sammy Jo Cienfuegos Paige Knight Calista Robeldo Ben Wengrovits Lauren Wilson

Jillian Horton Graphic Design

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A Trumptastic Dystopia

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A Trumptastic Dystopia