February Issue
Love is Pain: LET'S
SHOOT
CUPID
B.Hooved
Table of Contents Letter from the Editor Love Letter to Skateboard Guy/ Ode to Boombox Guy Dear Vodka Aunt Girls on Tinder Valentine's, Condom Breaks, & Scorpios, Oh My! Valentine's Day is a Corporate Scam Horoscopes Roommate Horror Stories: I DUI The Best Ice Cream/Movie Combos Cut & Share V-Day Cards Contact Us & Social Media Valentine's MadLib
Letter from the Editor Hello beautiful people, Whether you're single, in a relationship, or living life without labels this Valentine's Day you're sure to enjoy this fun and flirty B.Hooved edition! We've got something for everyone-love letters for those bleeding hearts, tips and advice for those seeking and those currently in relationships, and a ~gentle~ reminder that Valentine's Day, while a day full of love, is heavily monetized by companies like Hallmark banking on the fact that most of us use this holiday as a day to make up for the other 364 days we don't appreciate our loved ones fully. And, listen, I get it. We're just a bunch a cynical comedy writers raining our pessimism on the day of mushy-gushy love. And I know we said to shoot cupid. But for all you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed young lovers out there, while your sensitivity may be ridiculed as an easy target, don't let the jokes ruin your plans to shower your adorations and gratitudes upon all the valuable relationships in your life. Most importantly, though, no matter what your relationship status is or views on Valentine's Day are, never forget to tell people how much they matter and treat people with kindness and compassion. What the hell--get 'em a cheesy gift if it will make them happy, because at the end of the day we are all human beings that have to share this planet so we might as well make the most of it and get along. Co-Editor and Chief and HBIC, Logan Hughes
A Love Letter to Skateboard Guy I watch as your golden hair flows gloriously through the wind, As you skate through campus with no care in the world. You push and push and push through your peers, Until you get to where you are going. But where are you going? Where is my reckless prince travelling to? I’ll tell you where--- my heart. Each time you disrespected a professor, Each time you talked back, Every eye roll, Every disapproving look, Every single time you looked at me… at us… like we were the scum of the earth, You were inching closer and closer to me, Until you were everything my heart desired.
An Ode to Boombox Guy ‘Twas my first year at Steds when I heard the sweet sounds, From the one who blasted beats and kept it real mellow. Shoulder-length brown hair that danced with the bass And dark oval sunnies. I think he had them before they were cool. Yes, Boombox guy. The one to steal all our hearts. Always playing the perfect tune to fit the weather. EDM, R&B, Rock. Whatever. If you were lucky, you might catch his eye. Share the music One moment until his next step took him past you. Better than any ice cream truck or end-of-school bell. The bmmp bmmp bmmp energized your cells. Over two years since those talentelizing notes trickled down the walkways of Steds. Over two years since the music went dead.
Dear Vodka Aunt Dear Vodka Aunt, I’m single and dreading the approach of Valentine’s Day. I feel like it’s just a whole day dedicated to making single people feel sad and alone. I can already picture all of the cute Valentine’s Day tweets, pictures of perfect couples, etc. What on Earth can I do to distract myself from the endless terrors of that horrible day? Please help,
Vomiting at Valentine’s
Dear Vomiting at Valentine’s Having spent my fair share of Valentine’s Days by myself, I know where you’re coming from. Thankfully, that also means that I’ve had plenty of time to come up with ways to avoid feeling horrible on that dreaded day. There are the usual methods (which I’m sure you’ve heard repeated by other lonely souls): stay in and treat yourself to a movie and face masks, buy your own Valentine’s treats, spend time with your other single friends, yada yada. But, in my opinion, those options are all just boring as hell. No, I have another, more fulfilling method for managing my sadness on Valentine’s Day that I think you’ll find very useful: boyfriend snatching. Now I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. If you think about it, while Valentine’s Day is advertised as a day to show appreciation for your boo, it also has a key advantage for people like us: pinpointing issues in relationships. Take, for example, the couple that overcompensates for their relationship failings by giving elaborate gifts, as if that’s gonna fix all of the problems in their relationship. And of course, there is also the situation where one member of the couple doesn’t even try to cover up for the failings in a relationship and the other person is left feeling unfulfilled by their flimsy gift. Do you see where I’m going with this? Valentine’s Day gives you the perfect opportunity to spot the weak parts of a relationship and interfere. I know that this sounds like a really heartless thing to do — believe me, I had the same reaction when my old friend, Keith (a guy I found off craigslist to masquerade as my boyfriend at a family Christmas many years ago) turned me on to the idea. But over the years, I’ve begun to see myself as a reverse Cupid. None of those couples were bound to last, and instead of letting them dwindle on before coming to a messy end, I merely put the relationships out of their misery to save the couples further pain. It was really a selfless act, if you think about it. Okay, so how exactly do I pull this off? Well, every year on Valentine’s Day, I find the fanciest restaurant possible. Back in the day, Keith and I used to be a sort of tag-team, Keith acting as my date while I swooped in on unsuspecting couples, but eventually I found that I liked to act alone. So I find a table at the restaurant, order some appetizers to snack on, and then I just watch the people around me. I listen to conversations, watch body language, and look out for the signs of a failing relationship: overcompensation, unenthusiastic receiving of gifts, premature engagements, etc.
Dear Vodka Aunt Con't More often than not, the men guilty of these acts are also not exactly immune to my feminine wiles. Once I spot my mark, I start to try and catch his eye. Once I do, I hold eye contact for a few seconds before glancing away with a smile. If I’m able to catch his eye a few more times, I know that I’m golden. Usually he’ll start to subtly ignore his date or get caught not paying attention when she’s talking. When I start to see this happen, I know he’s ready. I get up from my table and head toward the bathroom, making sure to walk closely to his seat and catch his eye once more, gesturing with my head for him to follow me. If all goes well, the guy will usually excuse himself to go to the bathroom and follow me. Once we get to the bathroom and he thinks we’re about to “get it on,” as the kids say, that’s when I strike. I start to make a scene, storming out of the bathroom (usually with him following closely behind). I usually use the same lines, “you have a girlfriend! Why would you ever think I wanted to have sex with you in the bathroom!” Things like that. Then, I go up to his table and I tell the girl what’s just happened, apologizing for giving her boyfriend the impression that I wanted to hook up with him. Once I’ve said my part, I get the hell out of there before the chaos ensues, content that I’ve saved another girl from a mediocre relationship. Of course, if this doesn’t seem like something you want to do, you could always just stay home and drink straight from a bottle of vodka while binging The Bachelor. I’ve done that a few times too, and it seems to do the trick. Whatever you decide, I hope I’ve been able to help you enjoy your Valentine’s Day for a change! Hoping you can reverse-Cupid this Valentine’s Day,
Vodka Aunt
Love or Lust? Girls on Tinder BY TAYLOR ARNOLD
There are two types of single (or not so single) people on tinder. Those looking to get laid, or those looking for the love of their lives. Of course, you can’t exclude your local serial killer looking for a good time. But for the most part, we as women seek relationships. Now, I’m not saying ALL women want relationships from Tinder, but more often than not, that IS what we want. While we all know Valentine’s Day is a corporate trap, we as women look for love and devotion year-round. It is no secret we want a relationship. We go out of our way to let men know. I don’t know a single girl out there looking for a man that’s like “I wash myself in turkey and dog hair. Where is he?” No, we take a seminar, we take a class, we ask around, and we even get license plates made like “LOOKIN4U.” However, on Tinder, one bad pick-up line shines a light on their intentions and fills us with regret. “Oh why did I swipe right?” as we continue to try and match with anyone remotely attractive at this point. Honestly, we can get so involved, the faces get blurred together and our standards just continue to get lower and lower. “Like well, he doesn’t have a pedophile mustache, guess I’ll swipe right!” We tend to go out of our way to tailor our profiles to be the most attractive pictures we have of ourselves. Men are just less deliberative. They have pictures of their dog, or some picture they had clearly taken with their ex who they’ve cropped out like a Facebook mom. Unfortunately, Tinder is more of a tool for a good time, not a long time. There have been a handful of couples that met through Tinder and ended up staying together, but more women leave empty handed or catfished. We even tried to flip the feminism coin with Bumble but I have discovered that for men, it’s about the bats. It’s about how many times can you can hit on a girl because eventually, one’s going to say yes. Tinder has really maximized the quantity over quality. And this is because every guy knows you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs if you’re gonna fuck a frog. Ladies, my advice to you, as an unsuccessful single young woman, enjoy being single. We’ve got the rest of our lives to love someone.
Valentine’s, Condom Breaks, Scorpios, Oh My! BY TAYLOR ARNOLD
For those couples planning on doing the deed on Valentine’s Day, consider this a personal attack. Regardless of if your friends don’t use them, please for the love of god, wear condoms! I will be the first to tell you that we don’t need any more scorpios running around in the world. Without drowning you all with the gory details of childbirth, having safe sex is literally beneficial to EVERYONE. No STDs, no babies, no hopes and dreams crushed. Just a piece of rubber and everybody is happy. Of course, the other contraception is birth control (which, speaking of, where the hell is male birth control?). Or, if you want to be extra careful guys, go get a vasectomy (“snip, snap, snip snap, snip snap” just like our lord and savior, Michael Scott). I understand how in some cases birth control is not a viable option, but condoms are not that expensive. And if the thought of having a baby or an STD is not enough to use contraception, just imagine having a SCORPIO BABY. I do not genuinely believe that all scorpios are bad, but there are just so many of them. Please my dear unwanted couples, do not go raw like the sushi I had for dinner last night.
Valentine's Day is a Corporate Sham BY PAIGE KNIGHT
For all of you couples, this might be a hard pill to swallow. And I’m not just saying this because I’m a bitter single person. I mean, yes I’m single, but that doesn’t change the truth. Here it is: Valentine’s Day is a corporate sham. It just is. Capitalist corporations (so, all corporations) have corrupted the very idea of love! They took the concept of appreciating your partner, and they turned it into a pissing contest of who could get their loved one the most expensive, most lavish, most elaborate gift. It’s all about material products. From where I’m standing (and if this doesn’t apply to you and your relationship, good for you!), Valentine’s Day is the day people see as an opportunity to use big, grand gestures and give material goods to make up for the failings in a relationship. Still don’t buy it? Did you ever wonder how this insane holiday even came to be? According to NPR, tracing back the origins of Valentine’s Day is a bit tricky. There are a lot of ideas about where this holiday came from. One theory is that it can be traced back to the Romans, who from February 13th to the 15th would have a feast called Lupercalia. At the start of this feast, the guys would sacrifice an animal and then use the hides to whip women. Apparently, they thought that this would make them more fertile. Then, after the oh so romantic whippings, there would be a matchmaking drawing, and men would get matched up for the whole festival with the women whose names they had drawn. Another origin story, which I found in an article by the History Channel, is wrapped up in the history of Saint Valentine, who was put to death for performing illegal marriages in third century Rome. Another legend posits that Saint Valentine, while imprisoned, fell in love with a prison guard’s daughter and sent her a “Valentine” to express this love.
Con't Wherever this tradition began, it’s my opinion that modern society latched onto this vague conception of a “day of love,” allowing corporations to use it to capitalize off of our most intimate desire: to express our feelings to our loved ones. I’m sure whatever Saint Valentine had in mind when he sent that love letter to the prison guard’s daughter, he never imagined corporations in the future would use his passionate actions in order to make money off of the concept of love. In reality, I think that he’d probably feel that every day should be about showing your partner love, and not just through expensive gifts and grand gestures, but through meaningful and genuine actions. As for how the third century Romans would feel, I honestly don’t know what that weird shit was about, but I don’t know that they’d care one way or another. I’ll leave you with an origin story that my high school history teacher told me about. Now, I can’t vouch for the authenticity of this account, but either way I think it was on the right track. Apparently, at some point in the past (the details are a bit fuzzy so I don’t have an exact date), a type of “fun run” would be held in which men would run naked through the street with tassels around their waist. As the men ran, women would stand on the sidelines and grab the tassels off of the men that they were interested in. Of course, they had to be careful to grab the tassel and not... something else. Anyways, according to my teacher, this was where Valentine’s Day originated, and I personally think we should bring it back! Of course, we’d have to make some modifications to accommodate and include our LGBT+ friends, but I think we can figure something out in time for next year’s Valentine’s Day and hold our very own St. Ed’s fun run! Email us if you have any ideas or want to get involved.
Very Valentine's Horoscopes BY MALLORY HICKS
Aries (March 21-April 19): Set Fire to the Rain//Adele Would I under any circumstances want to cross an Aries? No, and Set Fire to the Rain perfectly exemplifies why. Sometimes, Aries don’t even know why they’re angry, but rest assured, if you hurt one, they will only want to be dramatic like: setting fire to the world and crying about it. Taurus (April 20-May 21): Behind These Hazel Eyes//Kelly Clarkson This song…..is so good. Taurus is all about impression management, even if they’re LOSING it inside. Kelly really pulls some Taurus moves when she’s like, “I got attached to you and you LEFT AND I’M LOSING IT!” but ALSO, “You won’t see the tears I cry!!!” because they’re what? Practical. Gemini (May 22-June 20): Somebody Else/ The 1975 Gemini, you have such a fear of being left out! We get it! You tend to want things just because you can’t have them and that includes people. Somebody Else is a Certified Bop and embodies the Gemini perfectly because it sounds like a fun time but, in fact, is actually very sad and sensitive. Cancer (June 21-July 22): Big Girls Don’t Cry//Fergie Oof. Fergie truly didn’t have to go this hard. Cancers are ~tough~ and never want to admit how sad they truly are. Shut up, Cancer, we know you cry more than the rest of us. You are certified Sad, but go sing it out with Fergie, I guess. Leo (July 23- August 22): Gives You Hell//All American Rejects Damn. Remember this song? Leo is so proud and loves so hard that if you hurt them, they will have no problem with wishing you all the worst. Like the other fire signs, Leos would like to watch things burn, but are also really, really sad about it. But please, Leo, keep fooling us with the facade of Gives You Hell. Virgo (August 23-September 22): Go Your Own Way// Fleetwood Mac Virgos are all about the practicality of love. If you don’t fit into their Google calendar then why even bother? Go Your Own Way is like, “Hm….I feel like I….love you…? But you don’t love me so….leave?” *Goes to organize their closet*
Libra (September 23-October 22): Sorry//Beyoncé Listen, in this edition, it only seems fitting to draw from Lemonade, The Most Angry Love Album of All Time. Libras will love you but, best believe, they will drop you the second that you try to take advantage of their chump-like, soft personality because guess what! They don’t need you! Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Before He Cheats//Carrie Underwood Please name a song that unites humankind more than this song. Scorpios will love you HARD until you break their heart. In which case, you should watch your mf back because the Scorpio loves revenge and will 100% dig their keys into the side of your pretty lil souped up fourwheel drive. Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Taylor Swift’s Entire Discography Yes, I too hate that I put Taylor Swift (as a Sagittarius) on this listical because no one is more angry and emulates Sag energy more than this bitch. I couldn’t even pick a song because all of them are literally So Angry and impulsive. We get it, Taylor/Sagittarius, you would rather punish your enemies than cope with being alone! Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Back to Black//Amy Winehouse The Capricorn is SO logical about feelings but they’re also ready at any moment to sit in a secret dark hole of sadness. Like Capricorn, Back to Black is very self-aware about the fact that their relationship is trash and no one’s coming out of it happy, so the Caps will CALMLY go back to black to sulk until they have to make a new spreadsheet or something. Aquarius (January 20-February 18): No Scrubs//TLC It is certified U.S. history that No Scrubs slaps. Nothing screams Aquarius energy more than, “Guess what, I don’t have time for your shit and I’m not wasting time on you.” Water signs truly don’t know what that emotion is but the Aquarius does NOT give a single fuck when it comes to love. Pisces (February 19-March 20): Love on the Brain//Rihanna Yeah yeah, Pisces, you get Rihanna. She’s a fellow Pisces and just truly gets your water sign plight. Love on the Brain HURTS and the Pisces will actively indulge in a love or pain that hurts because what? They love to feel sad! Rihanna literally says, “it hurts me so good.” Pisces, PLEASE, love yourself!! Take a page from Scorpio or fire signs and destroy some shit instead of yourself.
Roommate Horror Story: I DUI The day comes when you invite all your friends, families, and enemies to celebrate and get drunk together. You pick a beautiful venue, blow a lot of money, and have a day that you’ll only remember half of the events from. You’ll hire a planner, and therefore a planning assistant, to make your special day as smooth as possible. We’ll cut people off from the bar when needed, set up, and clean up the party. All you have to do is enjoy. That's what I thought my day would look like when I was asked to assist the planner for another wedding. We stressed up until the ceremony, but then took a step back and let everything run smooth. I was wearing my most uncomfortable shoes, and somehow I managed to put my black tights on backwards when I changed and didn’t bother to turn them around because there wasn’t enough time. I was running around trying to give the couple their perfect ending. Halfway through the reception, Sauce called. I knew something was off because my roommate and I never call each other unless its an emergency. We’re more on a talk in person, text reminders, and send videos through Instagram instead type basis. So when she called, I knew it had to be bad. I worried about the dog that I was sitting and she said she would feed that night. Did the dog suddenly die? How would I explain that to its owners? The dog was fine; my roommate, however, needed help. She was slurring her words a bit as she asked me when I would be home; she told me she needed a ride to a jail to pick up Jay, her boyfriend. She and Jay had been downtown, day drinking per their usual weekend adventure. They drove his truck, parked it, forgot about the truck, and took an Uber back to our apartment. When they arrived at our apartment, they picked up her car keys and proceeded to drive to check on the dog. I have no idea how intoxicated Jay was, but I knew she was close to blackout drunk. They missed their turn onto Lamar, and continued onto Barton Springs. Eventually, they realized their mistake. Jay turned the car around, and hit a stationary object. Sauce’s car was totaled, Jay was drunk, and the police showed up. Jay refused to take the breathalyzer. Sauce was texting me only to look up and see Jay being cuffed and put in the back of a police cruiser.
Sauce asked me to come drive her to the jail to pick him up if he was even allowed to be bailed out. I told her it would still be a few hours since I needed to finish work. The bartender sent me home with the unused case of margarita mix since none of us are allowed to drink while working. When I finally arrived home, Sauce was a little more sober. She told me this was his second DUI, his license was suspended, and they wouldn’t take bail until the next morning. I helped her plan what she needed to do, but I also prepared myself for a possible breakup between the two. The next day, I made myself scarce from the apartment. I knew that they would argue again and again for hours on end. Jay was already on my bad list, but this new added DUI was a new checkmark against the man. Sauce’s cats still didn’t like him, in fact one even peed on him while he slept. The animals still hide whenever he’s around. Sauce did not break up with him that day, in fact they are still dating. She bought a new car without any payout from insurance or Jay. She had liability and technically it was their fault. Sauce hasn’t been the worst roommate ever. We’ve had great nights together, but I’ve also learned a lot from her. I’ve learned things I don’t want to do, and I hope she also has learned too. Hopefully, another DUI and dealing with it is not in Sauce’s future.
The Best Ice CreamMovie Combos BY NEENAH CUREO
1. Moonlight: for when you want to cry and think about your life, your lost loves, and your future self. Ice cream: Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie 2. Groundhog Day: ever wanted a chance to plan out the perfect first date? Here you’ve got multiple. Ice cream: Rocky Road 3. Brokeback Mountain: the tragic story of two lonesome cowboys in love. Ice Cream: Salted Caramel 4. Boy Meets Girl: this outdated and low-budget indie film about a trans girl navigating her love life is bound to melt your heart. Ice cream: Pecan pralines and cream 5. But I’m a Cheerleader: a good stoner movie to watch with your close gay friends about teens in a ridiculous conversion camp with an ensemble cast. Ice Cream: Ben and Jerry’s Tonight Dough 6. Saving Face: this slowburn family drama might leave you in tears by the (spoilers) happy ending. Ice cream: Peaches and Cream 7. Imagine Me and You: if you need a light hearted British rom-com, you’ve come to the right place. Ice cream: Talenti’s Frozen Sorbetto Roman Raspberry
8. Romeo + Juliet: I’ll insert my own personal bias to say that this is the best Shakespeare adaptation ever. No other comment. Ice Cream: Dutch Chocolate 9. Pride and Prejudice (1995): strong and opinionated old Georgian women characters need love, too. Ice cream: Vanilla Almond 10. To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before: sometimes you just want a quick, quirky, pick-me-up romance antics film and that’s a-okay! Ice cream: Strawberries and Homemade Vanilla 11. 10 Things I Hate About You: RIP Heath Ledger, he’ll be in your dreams if you watch this. Ice Cream: Haagen Dazs Peanut Butter Chocolate Fudge 12. If Beale Street Could Talk: sneak this ice cream in the theater if you can, this historical fiction based off of a novel by James Baldwin will absolutely have you in tears. Ice Cream: Dulce de Leche 13. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: absolute mind fuck of a film when you’re high (probably also when you’re not), excusable manic pixie dream girl trope, makes you nostalgic for a relationship, even if you’ve never had one. Ice cream: Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia 14. Big Eden: heart warming, very very cute and wholesome gay love story <3 I wuv it. Ice cream: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
f o y a D e h t s ' t I Love! CUT OUT THESE CARDS AND GIVE THEM TO YOUR FRIENDS Love, B.Hooved
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This Rad Zine is brought to you by Logan Hughes and Kendra Coet Felmly, Co-Editors in Chief Elizaveta Dovgish, Social and Digital Media Director Content Editors: Kristyn Garza, Paige Knight, and Bre Westry, Melissa Gonzales Staff Taylor Arnold Harris Baumann Samantha Josephine Cienfuegos Mallory Hicks Neenah Cuero
Special Thanks to: Tim Bruan Elizabeth Eakman
To: ___________________________________________ From: _________________________________________ ____(TO)____, I hope that you have a great Valentine’s Day, ____(NICKNAME)____. I’ll never forget ______________(EVENT)______________, you ________(TERM OF ENDEARMENT)________. You deserve nothing but ______(AWARD/ACCLIMATION)______ ____(NICKNAME)____. With ____(EMOTION)____, ____(FROM)____