SPOOKY SZN OCTOBER ISSUE
B.HOOVED1
CONTENT EDITOR’S NOTE BEWARE THE SEAL, BEWARE THE GOAT Katya Melchor
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DEAR VODKA AUNT
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DID WE ALL DIE IN 2012? Taylor Arnold
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OPINION: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS BAD LUCK ANIMALS Neenah Cuero
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ROOMMATE HORROR STORY: WHAT ARE THE BOUNDARIES Anonymous
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LOCAL MOM FINDS GHOST OF RONALD REAGAN IN SON’S HALLOWEEN CANDY Patrick Behrens
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IMPEACHMENT JUICE Sammy Jo Cienfuegos
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SPOOKYSCOPES Sammy Jo Cienfuegos
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EDITOR ’S NOTE It’s that time of year again, when a twisted darkness descends from the heavens above and looms like a fog over the world. That’s right, B.Hooved is back, baby! Oh, and it’s Halloween. I am very pleased to present the first issue of the season. We’ve got everything from conspiracy theories, to horoscopes, to horror stories--this is one spooky zine. I’m oh so excited for all you unsuspecting peasants to see what we have in store for the coming year; we are back in full force. And, thanks to a few new special editions to our team, we now come to you bundled in a nicer, more aesthetically pleasing package. Don’t let the pretty pictures and color fool you, though, we are still the same lovable psychos as always. Happy spooky season, Logan Hughes Editor and Chief
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BEWARE THE SEAL, BEWARE THE GOAT Alright you yerba mate consuming while crying, stripper deciding, stressed induced fuckers, I’ve decided to come out of the dark, depressing hole that I call my room to bring you to something that’ll make you reconsider forking over 60k to this place. Everyone and their mother knows about the traditions of St. Edward’s University. One of the main things that they beat us over the head with is to never, under any circumstances walk over the school’s seal in the courtyard outside of ragsdale. For every single occupation that people have visited St. Edward’s, whether it be for college visits, orientation or anchors, we’ve been conditioned to never walk over the seal.
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Why’s that? Why do they always tell us to never step on it? Any logical person will tell you that they don’t want the seal to get dirty or that the foundation is weak and each step will cause it to sink. But you’re not here to hear any of that, cause then what’s the purpose of you reading this? I’m here to talk about the ‘alternative’ and frankly way more logical idea about the seal. Let’s begin shall we? The reason we aren’t allowed to walk on the seal is because if we do, a secret society within St. Edward’s will take you away and turn you into a goat to be paraded around events. Now why would say this?
Well think about it, do you see anybody after they step on that fucking thing? NO! You don’t, it’s like they just disappeared into thin air.
reason why they don’t want anyone stepping on the seal. Toppers up y’all.
I remember walking to rags after class and I saw this woman, probably a Karen, who walked over the seal like no-one’s damn business. I was slacked jaw and looked around to see if anyone else was shocked. No one, and I mean no one blinked an eye. It boggles my mind, if this is one of our most valued traditions, why didn’t anyone stop her? After that, I never saw her on campus ever again. I guess that’s what she gets for trying to talk to the manager. Anyway, I have a feeling that the secret society discreetly takes them away to a location that is barely touched by the rest of society, probs East Hall, turns them into a goat, and keep them there until there’s an event. So, there you go, that’s the real 5
DEAR VODKA AUNT, I just got a new dog and I’m kinda inexperienced in being a dog mom. All of my friends are really experienced dog moms, and I always feel inadequate compared to them. My friends and I have are going to have a dog play date Halloween party where we’re gonna dress our dogs up in cute costumes and watch movies. I really want to prove that I’m a good dog mom by blowing my friends away with my dog’s costume, but I don’t know what to dress her as! Please help me come up with some ideas. Help! Dog Mom Disaster
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Dear Dog Mom Disaster, I haven’t been in this situation before, as I don’t own a dog. I do, however, own a peacock, but I’ve never been able to find a costume that would fit her. Plus, she’s a stone cold bitch and would never let me dress her in something as undignified as a Halloween costume. That being said, I still think I have some insight that might be useful to you in this situation. I want to start off by saying that you need to get some new friends if they get you this worked up over something like a dog Halloween costume. When I was in college, my friends all made me feel insecure about the way I looked, and that helped me to push myself to join a weight-loss pyramid scheme and get on diet pills, which ultimately helped me to get so skinny that I looked like a Halloween skeleton. My college friends pushed me to be better and to look better, but your friends just want you to treat your dog well, which isn’t going to help you on a path toward self-improvement the way that my friends helped me. Do yourself a favor: drop them and find people who will push you to get on diet pills. But if you’re really stuck on this whole dog Halloween party thing, I do know of a situation that might be applicable. When I was about four years old, my family’s boston terrier, Daisy, had puppies with our neighbor’s wiener dog. They had some strange-looking puppies. I became attached to one of the puppies, and since I was only four years old, I came up with the name “Unk.” My mom couldn’t stomach separating me from my beloved Unk, so she let us keep him. Over the years, I got caught up and lost interest in Unk, leaving my mom to take care of him by herself. I believe that this is where her deep-seated resentment for me started, but that’s another story for my therapist. 7
For years, my mom ignored the idiotic dog Halloween costume trend and took wonderful care of Unk, feeding him the scraps from our table nightly. He was so well-fed that he was eventually so fat that he couldn’t walk. It wasn’t until my Sophomore year of high school, when my mom left her usual bartender job to become a preschool teaching assistant, that my mom started to catch unwarranted criticism for Unk’s upbringing. The other preschool teachers were a bit like your friends, Dog Mom Disaster. They were obsessed with their dogs and were crazy about “taking good care of them.” One night, one of my mom’s coworkers, Karen, came over for dinner and was apparently “disturbed” by Unk’s appearance. After that, my mom became very insecure about Unk, even though she knew she’d been taking perfect care of him. It got so bad that she even bought him dog food, forcing him to eat that instead of his beloved table scraps. One day, my mom’s preschool friends asked her to participate in a dog Halloween costume competition. My mom’s worst nightmare was realized. My mom was desperate to fit in with her preschool coworkers, and I’ve never seen her so frantic to try to find the perfect costume. She was up all night scouring magazines and newspapers for ideas, until the day before Halloween, when I came home from school and my she was unusually calm. She was humming as she made dinner, but something felt off. I looked around the house and couldn’t find Unk, so I went to my mom and asked her where he had gone. She told me that the stress of trying to find a Halloween costume got to be too much, and she had taken him to the pound. I took it really hard at the time, but now I understand that my mom did the right thing. Dogs just aren’t worth the stress of taking care of them.
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I’m not telling you to take your dog to the pound, Dog Mom Disaster, but my mom’s life improved tremendously when she did. She also packed up my family and moved us to a different town to avoid the scrutiny from all of the other dog moms at her job. I hope this advice helps, and have a spooky Halloween! Also, make sure to check out my new Halloween-themed jewelry projects; I’m on Etsy now! Skip town and have a happy Halloween, Vodka Aunt
Have something to ask Vodka Aunt? Email us at bhoovededitor@gmail.com
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all did we alL
DIE IN 2012?
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In honor of this spooky season, I feel like this theory just needs to be shared. Keep in mind I did find this theory on Twitter, but I was convinced for days that we were all living in an alternate reality. The thread starts off with science stuff that still doesn’t make sense, but what really grabbed my attention was the Mandela Effect. For those who, like me, had never heard of this before, it’s absolutely wild. Ask yourselves, how do you remember Looney Tunes being spelled?
Well, what if I told you that in 2012, our reality did in fact end and the reason we remember these things is because they are the remnants of our reality? The thread explains that our world is made up of thousands of alternate realities, only slightly different from our own. The thread does mention that our world could possiby be in a black hole as it has been proven that our solar system is ever so slowly moving toward a massive black hole. I’m not saying any of these things are true, but I’ll let you all decide how you feel.
“Toons”, right? Well apparently it has never been spelled like that. It has always been “tunes.” The same can be said for the Berenstain Bears. Again, I remember this childhood cartoon being spelled with an “e” instead of the “a.”
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OPINION OPINION OPINION 12
THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS BAD LUCK ANIMALS Black cats are the closest thing to g*d that we can get to. You’ll never have a sweeter animal in your life than a befriended black cat. Unfortunately, every Halloween, my family had to protect our baby from punk ass bitches looking to start trouble with black cats. PS if you declaw your cat, I will do the same to you. If y’all were like me and had some man come in to your elementary school gym class every year to tell you not to touch bats, you’ve probably never touched a bat.
But c’mon dude. All they wanna do is eat fruits and suck blood like anyone else. That being said, if you see a bat on the ground, in the daytime, call a bat rescue or something. Crows could probably complete your degree faster than you, just saying. I’m convinced that humans created a stigma around crows because we were too intimidated by their intelligence. What’s all this nonsense about a “murder” of crows? Death omens?? The only people who are intimidated by that are true cowards. Embrace the crow. Love the crow.
Rabies! Rabies!!
RABIES!!!
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ROOMATE HORROR STORY WHAT ARE THE BOUNDARIES PT. 1 I have always been a pacifist, that is up until I got matched with a roommate, freshman year of college, who was disrespectful and unthoughtful. My pacifism stayed for the first couple of months, then enough was enough! Anger is a rare feeling for me. The only times I can recall being so angry that I wanted to scream was when I first went vegan and no one else cared enough about the environment or the animals… and no… this is not about veganism… I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that I was vegan before we continued…
I walked in on it.
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I walked in, trying to be quiet because it was still morning. I slowly twisted the doorknob. Quietly, I pushed the door open. Patiently, I tiptoed into my own room, making sure to not wake up my roommate. I guess I did not process what I was hearing until it was too late. When I first heard the squeak of the bed, I thought that maybe she had just woken up and was starting to wiggle her feet to the floor. Before I understood the sound, my eyes fell on to the bare rump of a particular German, whom I do not appreciate. I swear, it was not even a second of me standing there, still on my tippy toes, and in that single second he pumped out four hip thrusts.
It looked like one of those old cartoons where Jerry gives Tom repeated whacks on the head, back to back to back. I walked right out. I left the room just as quiet, but this time brisk and fast. I stood outside of my room with my two hands on my temples. My eyes were dead staring out onto the floor, a couple of feet in front of me. I had no words. Nothing could sum up the four hip seizes, or the innocent mistake I made about the bed moving.
I stood there for a solid fifteen minutes. There were no thoughts in my head. After some time passed, I ended up going for a walk. I walked for two hours. With each step I took, there was a flashback of a rump cheek twitching‌ so fast. Internally I felt like falling to my knees, hip thrust one, with, hip thrust two, anxiety, hip thrust three, god help, hip thrust four, no air. Externally, however, I walked with one foot in front of the other, eyes dried from the lack of blinking, with my fingers still on my temples. Obviously I had to return to my room, it was Halloween and I wanted to put on a costume, so I hesitantly made my way back to the scene of the incident. I stood about five inches from the door, staring into the chestnut wood with a dull expression. Inhale. My left hand rises. Exhale. I form a fist and tap a wimpish knock on the door. I knew I had already seen the scariest thing this Halloween had to offer. 15
LOCAL MOM FINDS GHOST OF RONALD REAGAN IN SON’S HALLOWEEN CANDY Blue, Indiana Karen Price was shocked when her 8 year old son, Ethan, opened his Halloween candy this year. A spectral mist jetted out from Ethan’s King Sized Twix bar, funneling into his nostrils. “I really didn’t know what to think. At first, I thought it was a cloud of cocaine or something’’ Karen explains, “...but I was wrong. It was the ghost of Ronald Regan. The ghost of Ronald Reagan has taken over my son.” The Plum Grove’s neighborhood watch, alerted by the piercing wails from the Price residence, quickly arrived at the scene in their new HOA sponsored golf carts (bought 16
by the recent Jimmy Buffett themed neighborhood fundraiser). Eyewitness, Richard Beans, Plum Grove’s Head Law Enforcement Liaison, described the scene, “Little Ethan was all curled up on the ground when we got to the Price household. He looked like the bug I had to kill for my wife earlier this week. Lepis-ima saccharina, the elusive silverfish. He was stiff like a board, and shook violently, like a board when someone shakes it. He was saying stuff like ‘tickle down economics’ and ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this lego house!’. The neighborhood watch has never dealt with anything like this before.” Ethan, evidently, has not been the same since.
He awoke from the “kit kat incident” and disavowed any of the Halloween candy that he just collected. “I refuse to take your handouts,’’ Ethan proclaimed as he marched around the suburb.
Feinstein continues, “I’m seeing good stuff. I mean, that’s what Ethan told me was happening. So far the Goldwater kids gave me back a half eaten Almond Joy and some smashed up Necco wafers. I’m excited.”
In the following week, Ethan soon amassed a following of contemporaries, conspiring a plan to “ensure sure the candy was going into the hands of the hardest working individuals”. Ben Feinstein, a 7th grader at Carter Middle School explains, “I think I get it. Ethan has us taking all of our candy and giving it over the rich kids at Goldwater Estates across the street.” Ethan claims the children at Goldwater Estates will take a small amount of candy and distribute the majority of it back to kids in Plum Grove.
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IMPEACHMENT JUICE The clock struck midnight and not a word was said at the White House, for everyone was scared of saying the cursed word three times. They all knew that once Donald was impeached, their power would fade away. Yes, they’d still have money, but what about the influence? The power to grant pardon, appoint cabinet officials, command the armed forces, and lead the nation would all be gone. And the worst thing of all: Donald wouldn’t have access to the Oval Office. There are dark secrets held in that office. Dark secrets Donald would die for. Melania grew tired of the silence and broke it by saying, “But why don’t we talk about the impeachme-” Donald interrupted with, “Because it’s simply not going 18
to happen. I’m the best president this nation has seen and I need to make it great. Don’t even think about saying that word. MAGA!” Donald’s daughter, Ivanka, added, “But maybe if you got impeached, we’d have more time to spend on my shoe line.” “Don’t say it! I need the power!,” said Donald. Melania and Ivanka exchanged a glance. They stayed quiet as the days went on. They just watched out the window as the sun went up and down, up and down, up and down. They watched as their precious Donald appointed rapists and racists in positions of power. They watched as their precious Donald was accussed of being a rapist and a racist.
They couldn’t see their Donald in that light, but they knew in their hearts that it was true. They watched as Donald met with war criminals and supported Nazis. They watched as he undid the few good things the country had going for it. They watched the Women’s Marches and the Climate Protests and decided that enough was enough. They knew what had to be done. Donald was in the Oval Office, doing things he shouldn’t be. Melania and Ivanka weren’t allowed in. There was a big sign at the door that read, “Man working. Women continue to clean up my mess.” They knocked the door down and walked into the most horrifying scene. It was messy and sticky and god-awful. No matter how much they wanted to look away, they couldn’t. Their precious Donald was into baby play. He was donned in a diaper and bib that read,
“Vladdy’s Little Girl.” He was being fed milk and carrot mush by none other than Vladimir Putin himself. There was carrot mush and milk splashed all over the floor. The infamous duo hadn’t noticed Ivanka and Melania yet.
“Baby wants his milkie!” shouted Donald.
This led Ivanka into a horrifying, high-pitched shriek. Donald and Vladimir jumped out of their seats and shouted in unison, “It’s not what it looks like!” But Ivanka and Melania knew exactly what was going on. They could handle the fact that their Donald is a racist, homophobic, xenophobic rapist that hates everything that isn’t his reflection. But they couldn’t deal with this.
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They looked at each other and knew what they had to do next. They started chanting, “Impeachment! Impeachment! Impeachment!” Donald shouted in return, “No! Do you know what you’ve done? She’ll be here any second!” Rocking a slicked back green hairdo and a striped power suit, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez walked into the office and said one thing that would change their lives forever, “Your time is up. We’re taking back the House.”
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SPOOKYSCOPES ARIES Lola Bunny from Space Jam: Dressing up in athletic wear really showcases an Aries’ big ball of energy. Dressing up really appeals to an Aries’ inner child so get those rabbit ears and fuzzy tails ASAP! But make sure to pass the ball to other players this year; it’s not all about you. TAURUS Morticia Addams: Tauruses are known for their luxurious looks. Wearing high quality and stylish clothing really showcases their bull-like tendencies. (Think matadors!) Morticia and Gomez also know how to balance style with comfort, which is a Taurus’ forte. Don yourself in all black and live out your greatest fantasies. But make sure to step out of the house for once!
GEMINI Stefon from SNL: Dress up as the king of Geminis to really showcase your communicative and creative nature. The tattoo sleeves will really showcase your indecisiveness, because we all know you could never choose just one. This is also a perfect opportunity for you to practice your stand up. Everyone knows you’re the funniest of the zodiac. Don’t be so soft-spoken this year. Speak up against all of the critics and let them know YOU are the one who knows all of the greatest party spots.
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CANCER DIY Cat Costume: As the animal lover of the Zodiac, a cat costume is perfect for you. And we’re sure you also need some art therapy during this time of the year. Don’t let people step over you today and let your claws out. You’re going to look gorgeous AND be comfortable, which is all a Cancer ever needs. But make sure to wear waterproof eyeliner. We don’t want a repeat of last year. VIRGO Joker: There’s something about the Joker that you identify with, which we’re not going to say is a good thing or a bad thing. (It’s a very bad thing.) But the Joker costume really allows you to step out of your organized routine of cleanliness. Smear that makeup on your face and go wild. You deserve to go wild once in a while. But don’t go too far, incels.
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LEO Evil Queen from Snow White: Leo, you are meant to wear a crown, but your crown does come at a cost. You have a deep superiority complex, but you can really live out your holier-than-thou desires with this costume. Let all of the Snow White’s know who’s boss tonight. But please remember to come back to reality sometime during the night. Or else you’ll just be completely unbearable.
LIBRA Tinker Bell: As the prettiest sign of the Zodiac, you can appreciate Tinker’s gorgeous green dress and sparkly wings. You can probably also add a string of pearls and some statement earrings to make this look more you. Have your sig oth (or BFF) dress up as Peter Pan! We know you’d die without your partner’s attention, so really show the world that tonight. But avoid taking from Peter Pan’s likability, and get your own personality for tonight. SCORPIO Sabrina Spellman: Really show us your power tonight and dress up as everyone’s favorite witch. We all know you reign supreme over all things magical, but tonight’s the night to really show us. We also know you were really boring before fully committing to the Dark Lord. So give in to the dark night and have some fun! But also remember, your higher-ups do
know more and it’s time to shut up and listen. SAGITTARIUS Wonder Woman: You’re a natural born leader and would fight the war to end all wars if you could. (You can!) Your perserverance will really be able to shine through as the princess of the Amazons. And you’ll be able to wear something really tight and cute, which can lead to other adventures we’re sure you’ll enjoy. But remember that you can’t be travelling forever. Yes, the world does need you, but stop. No one likes an unreliable princess.
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CAPRICORN
PISCES
Store-Bought Spiderman Costume: As a usual juggler of responsibilities, Spider Man is the perfect costume for you. You’re a photographer, pizza delivery guy, and a superhero! You’re hardworking and motivated, but beware of becoming boring and mean. We don’t want a Tobey Maguire; we want Tom Holland all the way. Loosen up this Halloween.
Alice in Wonderland: Like Alice, you struggle with distinguishing between what’s real and what’s imagined/romanticized. The color blue is really important to you, so Alice’s iconic blue dress is perfect for you! You also love fairy tales so reenacting this classic should be a blast. But please make sure to not flood the room with your tears this year, Pisces.
AQUARIUS Steve Harrington: Dress up as one of your many niche interests this year. And what better one than your favorite Scoops Ahoy scooper? With that hair that holds all your secrets and the bat that protects those you love, all of the Eleven’s at the party will look at you in awe. You’ll finally get the attention you deserve, you quirky Aquarius. Don’t fall for Robin though; she’s definitely not interested.
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this rad zine is brought to you by LOGAN HUGHES
Editor-in-Chief
TAYLOR ARNOLD
Managing Editor STAFF
Sammy Jo Cienfuegos Katya Melchor Paige Knight Neenah Cuero Patrick Behrens ALEXANDRA NAVAS & BRYANA IGLESIAS
Co-Creative Directors MIKAELA TAN
Illustrator
Like what you see and want to know more? Contact us at bhoovededitor@gmail.com
@b.hooved
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