It's all a Conspiracy

March Issue

It's all a Conspiracy!

B.Hooved

Table of Contents Letter from the Editor The Hair Burning Incident™ Dear Vodka Aunt Lore and Mystery: The Cellar of Sorin Hall "Newtoppers" Horoscopes The Mysterious Disappearance of Hilltop Views Conspiracy Confessions Roommate Horror Stories: The Lawsuit Top 5 Totally True, Item-specific Conspiracy Theories for the College-aged Cretin 7 Ways to Spot a Flat-Earther Contact Us & Social Media

Letter from the Editor Hello beautiful people, It’s that time of the month again—release day. If we do this every month, why is this one special? That’s easy. This month’s zine is all about conspiracies. We have the rumors on campus, the conspiracies that no one wants to admit to, and our own version of what happened to the missing newspapers.

So sit back, relax, and try to get a break from the growing amount of tests and projects (and the realization that if you’re a senior you graduate in six weeks and one day). We’re all in it together.

As always, running on too much caffeine and not enough time, Kendra Coet Co-Editor in Chief

The Hair Burning Incident™

BY PAIGE KNIGHT

The hair burning incident: we’ve all seen the tweets, we’ve all heard the rumors, we’ve all scratched our heads in confusion. That is, unless you live under a rock. For our readers who are blissfully unaware of this strange event that occurred on our very own Holy Cross Campus, here’s the goss: around mid February, a tweet was posted by one of our fellow students, which told the story of an “art project” done by another student. The student in question allegedly promised her class that she would give $500 to whoever allowed her to cut their hair in whatever way she chose. One brave girl agreed to have her hair cut, so the other student blindfolded her and set to work, cutting off random bits of her hair. I mean, we’re all broke college students, so who can really blame this brave soul for doing what she had to in order to have a well-deserved pay day.

However, here’s where things took a turn for the worse.

A video included in the aforementioned Twitter thread depicts the events that followed. Once the hair cutter had snipped off a few chunks of her volunteer’s hair, she placed the hair in what looked like a trash can, dousing it in lighter fluid. Weird but whatever. Then, as the other girl was still blindfolded, the hair cutter proceeded to hold up the $500 bill she had promised to her volunteer and, as the class watched in amazement, she proceeded to set it on fire. The class watched in shock and a few people even attempted to speak up, but the hair cutter told them they couldn’t talk. With some difficulty, the hair cutter succeeded in lighting the money on fire and threw it in the trash can with the hair (it should also be noted that she didn’t take the lighter fluid container out of the trash can before lighting it on fire???). After adding a bit more fluid to the fire, the deed was done, and the confused volunteer took off her blindfold to find that she’d been scammed out of her promised $500.

Con't So, why the hell did this happen, and what happened next? I’ve heard plenty of rumors floating around: the hair cutter was arrested for fraud; the professor overseeing this disastrous project withdrew the hair cutter from their class; or worse, the professor in question was fired. If you came here for facts, you came to the wrong place. We’re dealing with conspiracy theories here, so facts are a little relative. That being said, I’ll tell you my conspiracy theory based on what I’ve heard about the incident. Bear with me, because it’s gonna be a wild ride.

The most common question I’ve heard following the events in question: who is the hair cutter? Everybody I’ve talked to can’t seem to figure out who she is and why she did what she did. No names have been mentioned as far as I can tell.

Some say she did it to show that people will do anything for money, which may have been the case, but what if her intentions were even more sinister? What if... she isn’t even a student at all? I know it sounds wild, but nobody seems to know who she is. Another thing that I’d like to point everybody’s attention toward is the unorthodox methods that she used to light the hair and money on fire.

When the hair cutter initially lit the fire, she left the whole bottle of lighter fluid inside of the trash can. Is it possible that she was attempting to “accidentally” cause a much bigger fire than the one in the video, but chickened out at the last minute and took the lighter fluid bottle out of the trash can in an unexpected act of mercy? I think that it’s possible that there was a sinister plot that took place that day, but was thwarted by the hair cutter’s conscience.

Nobody can truly know what was going through the hair cutter’s mind that day, but that fateful event will be one that no Hilltoppers is likely to forget anytime soon.

Dear Vodka Aunt Dear Vodka Aunt, Is college really getting me ready to not be poor or is it just teaching me how to be poor? I feel like I’m spending more money than I can ever hope to make in the future, and I’ve learned to make one meal last a week. I just feel like it’s all a little fishy. Plus, student loans and Fasfa are just too complicated for me to completely understand what I’m getting myself into. What do you think?

Send help (and free food),

Financially flustered

Dear Financially Flustered, I know it all seems confusing, but the society wants you to succeed! There’s no way you’re being scammed. We live in America, the greatest nation in the world, where there’s no corruption and the government has your back!... Okay, the FBI agent assigned to monitor me has probably stopped reading by now. You’re definitely being scammed. I don’t tell many people about my financial past, but I want to help you, so here it is.

I went to college, just like you. I had all these hopes for my future; I was gonna be something big, make a difference, have enough money to live comfortably, all that bullshit. It’s not even worth it for me to tell you what I majored in, it doesn’t matter.

Point is, I racked up a nice amount of student debt. I barely even knew what I was doing or signing up for, the process of applying was so confusing that in the end I was just trying to figure out how to get the loans to my school on time. Anyways, college didn’t do shit for my “career.” After I graduated, I could barely hold down a job because I “had no experience,” and I “was a chronic drinker,” and one time I “crashed my boss’s car into our office building and was found in the driver’s seat with a bottle of vodka in my lap that I seemed to be drinking out of with a straw.” No matter how educated I was, I just couldn’t win. I couldn’t pay back my student debt and it just started piling up, so I had to make a tough decision. I faked my own death (I won’t tell you how because the Feds are still tracking me, but it involved a staged party-bus crash, a stripper pole mishap, a fire, and a cadaver that my friend Keith stole from his job in a black-market medical researcher’s office). Once I had done the deed, so to speak, Keith helped me create a new identity, and I moved across the country. That’s when I found my true passion: homemade jewelry. My etsy business took off within weeks, and without that pesky debt holding me down, I was able to create my own local jewelry store. I couldn’t be happier.

If I were you, I’d get out while you still can. Find something you love that doesn’t cost thousands of dollars to learn how to do, and make a debt-free living. You’ll thank me later.

Good luck and don’t let the capitalists get ya, Vodka Aunt

Lore and Mystery The Cellar of Sorin Hall

BY KRISTYN GARZA

I was once told a frightening tale about the truth behind Sorin Hall.

Back in the late 1890’s early 1900’s, when St. Ed’s was just getting underway, the nuns who resided in Sorin Hall, and who often slept naked on the balcony above the porch, were rumored to be witches.

It is said that they would abduct young students to use as sacrifices in rituals they’d hold in the cellar of Sorin Hall. Sometimes, those students would be locked in the cellar for days on end until they became weak enough to be disposed of with minimal effort. The screams of those poor souls are rumored to still exist, and whenever anyone passes close to the cellar entrance, their whispering voices call out to try and drag others down into the cellar in order to replace them in the sisters’ rituals. This would explain a lot of the strange peculiarities of Sorin Hall. For example, the fact that creaks and groans are often heard when there is almost no one in the building, the faint scent of musk and burning in the air at all times, and the fact that the building itself is a magnet for unexplainably strong heat and unbearable cold with fluctuation between the two extremes and never a balance of the two. If anyone is a Lit or Writ major….beware, and stay away from the witches’ cellar downstairs!

"Newtoppers"

BY HARRIS BAUMANN

Deep in Travis County lies St. Edward’s University, home to adolescent homo sapiens who gather to hone their knowledge. Whilst this habitat has mainly been given cursory investigations by researchers in the past, recently some scientists have noticed a change in the ecosystem. In previous studies, experts showed these adolescents, which will henceforth be referred to as Hilltoppers, stimuli relating to the country’s alpha, and were met with negative responses. The Hilltoppers lashed out violently, continuing to verbally attack the stimuli long after it was taken out of their habitat.

However, some Hilltoppers have begun to show contradicting reactions never before seen in St. Edward’s. These new Hilltoppers, which will be referred to as Newtoppers, having agreed with the alpha’s position in subtle ways, whether it has been sympathizing with the alpha for the attacks he has faced, to respecting some of the actions he has taken.

Researchers are unsure how these Newtoppers will affect the ecosystem that has been established in St. Edward’s.

While they may not be violent, some experts are worried about how current Hilltoppers will react when they come into contact with Newtoppers. In order to preserve their territory, experts were dispatched to study the recent behaviors exhibited by these creatures and may have found a way for both species to survive at St. Edward’s.

Con't First off, scientists must distinguish between Hilltoppers and Newtoppers. At first glance, these two species are identical.

However, there are noticeable behavioral differences that are able to be seen when given the time to watch them interact.

Newtoppers tend to spend their time collecting materials and bring them to the border of the habitat, building a wall around St. Edward’s; it is currently unknown why they choose to build a wall, but it is assumed it is to keep something from getting in.

They also tend to speak with accents seen only in southern regions of the country; in a survey conducted, researchers found that most were from counties bordering Travis, each with specimens exhibiting nearly opposite behaviors to Hilltoppers.

Hilltoppers, on the other hand, tend to share one definitive characteristic: they seem to never stop talking about the alpha.

In any situation, whether they are gathering food or venturing for social activities or even trying to sleep, they will find some way to bring the alpha into conversation and why he shouldn’t be the alpha. Researchers have a term for this type of behavior: annoying.

Though these two species are contradicting behaviors, researchers have figured out a way that allows cohabitation.

This is a method known as the Dodge and Retreat. Whenever a Newtopper and a Hilltopper meet and the alpha is brought up, either of the two species will bring up a reason for having to leave, dodging the conversation and will retreat back to their packs.

We hope that with these new findings these two species can share the St. Edward’s territory and the ecosystem will find balance once again.

Spring Break has Broken Horoscopes

BY MALLORY HICKS

Aries (March 21-April 19) Welcome back from spring break, Aries. Mercury in retrograde is gonna force you to think about your decisions! An Aries?? Facing repercussions for their decisions?? Shocking, I know. Embrace your urge to dance on that table or take those body shots this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) There are two types of Taurus; therefore, there are two different Taurus spring breaks. For some Taurians, your week will consist of taking ecstasy underneath a table in a club you’ve never heard of that your Leo friend made you go to, or you’ll get really wild and end up rewriting your five-year plan into a seven-year plan. Retrograde is happening, you might as well throw caution to the wind and embrace your wild side.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) We get it, Gemini, you over-committed yourself! Your severe FOMO has caused you to say yes to every person who’s asked you to hang out, so your schedule is packed. This might be tiring, but at least you’ll have a good time gossiping to every single person that you see this week!

Cancer (June 21-July 22) Are you feeling sadder this week, Cancer? Pisces season hits different, but if you make it down to the beach for spring break, fight the crowds of drunken alpha zeta lambda beta omegas to the safety of the ocean:your roots. If you cannot make it to the beach, your tears will feel reminiscent of what you’re missing.

Leo (July 23-August 22) Leo! So you’re organizing the plans this week? Who put you in charge of that? It may be your brand to get wildly drunk and fight the first person to antagonize you, but you should fight that urge this week. Have a good time! Leave that shit for Aries season.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) You’re feeling your inner introvert, Virgo. Is it because you procrastinated on all of your work and need to catch up?? Yeah, most likely. If you feel like you want to hole yourself up this week and work on all of your past assignments, follow your heart. But also, don’t spend all week watching Netflix. Mercury is your ruling planet, so spend some time not thinking about how to organize your spice rack.

Libra (September 23-October 22) Whether you ended up at the beach on skiing on the mountains, best be sure that you took many photos, either of your surroundings or of yourself, right Libra? Don’t forget to soak in the beauty around you when you’re not catfishing the internet!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Spring break made you feeling so nostalgic and no amount of locally-crafted draft beer will fix it. Get drunk with your people this week and replace the thought of that person with your emo, drunken mistakes and badly written poetry!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Where are you going for spring break? You HAVE to travel. You’ve been itching to leave this place since the beginning of the semester, so drop everything and embrace your spontaneous energy. I mean, like, going to the beach--not snorting cocaine off of the body of a Libra.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) You’ve been so uptight lately, Capricorn. Forget about that paper that’s due in three weeks and go get blackout drunk with an Aries, who will probably force you on stage to sing Can’t Fight This Feeling

by REO Speedwagon at karaoke night.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) You have been WAITING for spring break, Aquarius. You’re not about to make the plans, so you’ve been waiting for some instigation to get the ball rolling. You’re down for anything as long as it involves some drinking and heart breaking. You’ll probably make a Cancer cry this week.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) How many times have you cried this week, Pisces? This is your season to thrive, but you’ve been so caught up in your feelings, you may be forgetting to enjoy it! Cry tonight and get it out. Then Go out tomorrow and dance on a few tables like you’ve been wanting to.

The Mysterious Disappearance of Hilltop Views

BY LOGAN HUGHES

*As of March 8, 2019 a student has been charged with the theft--check out Hilltopviewsonline.com for the full story!

In case you’ve been living under a rock, our lovely school has its very own, bonafide newspaper, Hilltop Views. They actually do some good work over there covering the goings-on of campus life, Austin, and the world as we know it [though, if you want comedy you know where to go ;)]. Now Hilltop Views is student-run, so you probably know a editor or two, and if you happen to be a Writing and Rhetoric student that chance is exponentially higher. I happen to be in a journalism class with at least three of said editors. Why am I telling you all this? Well do I have some juicy gossip, some hot tea, for you sisters.

For our rock dwellers, I should also let you know that in the month of February the hilltop hosts a lively week of homecoming festivities. You may have noticed that our already cozy abode was a little more cramped and a few parking spaces short for awhile there--it was alumni and gushing parents galore! And in case you primitive cave-dwellers do not check your school emails or read Hilltop Views, which I’m anticipating you don’t, our quaint little school had itself something of a scandal around the same time we were inviting our deep-pocketed enterrage. That’s right, on the last day of January, just a couple weeks from homecoming, President Martin sent an email to let everyone know that a Brother Gerald Muller had been put on an official list of sexual abusers by the Austin Diocese. Shock horror. I know it’s a very serious issue, but come on, could it be any more cliche?

Anyway, the incident occured in the 80s and Muller has been banned and disowned. But here’s the tea: obviously, Hilltop Views did a story about all this that was smack-dab on the front page. Even if you don’t read the paper you were bound to see “Pedofile on our Campus!?” (not the actual title, but you get the gist) in big, bold print when you walked by the many stands around campus that hold the paper. Or, maybe your didn’t, because as homecoming week rolled in these specific issues went missing. Twice.

That’s right, someone took all the issues, saw them get replaced, and took them again! That takes some balls because of course the Views’ staff were gonna fucking notice when all their hard work suddenly evaporated into thin-fucking-air. If I sound a little salty it’s because I know how hard it is to put out an issue of this hilarious catastrophe of a zine; it’s even more pressure for an actual, serious new editorial. Plus it’s just rude, but I digress.

Pedofile on Our Campus!?

So maybe you didn’t catch last month’s predator issue, but you could still grab the one that came after it emblazoned this time with a missing and wanted poster on the front page. For all their investigative journalism, the Views Crew— as I call them— cannot seem to find the offending party who took the papers. Some preliminary questioning found that there was no administrative order to remove the issue, so technically it wasn’t campus personnel who took them. But let’s be real with ourselves, if there had been such a decree it’s not like anyone would fess up to it.

Another theory that we here at B.Hooved are interested in is that the Brothers took them…

You might be asking yourself why on Earth would anyone take a hundred or so copies of a university newspaper, regardless of the content? What are they gonna do with a hundred of the same newspaper? A lot of paper mache?

Probably. But the real tea is that the Brothers or other campus staff took the papers because they don’t want our cash flush parents, alum, or sponsors seeing that we had some awful and cliche Catholic Church-related sexual abuse happening on campus in the 80s. First of all, anyone and everyone having to do with the school got that email from Pres Martin so it’s some big campus secret. So second of all what the hell is taking the paper which has like one story about it going to do?

Maybe the Brothers were trying to cover their asses.

Maybe someone on the campus staff didn’t want our wealthy friends seeing something so God-awful while simultaneously being given the university shake-down.

Whatever it is, this is just more proof that there is some shady shit going on under our noses. Could have been an inside job, could have been you or the person sitting next to you right now. Maybe we’re just paranoid, but either way, stay woke my friends.

Roommate Horror Story:The Lawsuit

BY TAYLOR ARNOLD

The 7 month horror story was finally coming to an end. No more leaving our back door unlocked because she had lost her keys on some drunken voyage that didn’t stop, no more dreading the car in the same parking spot she always parked in, or the forced communication with someone who had made life hell. Our 7 month lease was finally coming to an abrupt close with little to no words. At least until the Saturday we were supposed to end it all. We were dealing with entire new problem asides from Jane Doe’s arrival to the scene. There was an accidental rent charge of $1000 extra that we realized in the process of breaking the couch down. That familiar squeak I had grown to despise ripped through the room like a child tearing into gifts on Christmas morning. Her presence sucked the air out of the room and I could tell she was as surprised as we were. She paused briefly before storming into the kitchen. She aggressively gathered things at random and her frenzy sent me into a rage. I reminded her firmly that most of the kitchenware was not hers to take, but when no response was uttered, a third voice, much harsher, redelivered my message.

Jane spun on her heels, a singular spoon in hand, “THIS SPOON IS DENISSES.” She proceeded to throw the spoon in our direction but toward the ground.

The shitstorm of an apartment felt ripped open as the two of them screamed words of pure hate I had never heard before. All the while, my father’s voice on the phone was white noise and dollar signs. In the midst of the piercing screaming match, Nathan and Justin were able to move most of our furniture out of the broken living room. I didn’t stop moving and packing until I heard slight sobbing coming from Jane’s bedroom. I felt nothing except fear that the last month’s rent wouldn’t be paid. Coming to her rescue, good ole Johnny boy straight from the KKK swept in with all of his articulate social skills to frantically pack her entire room.

Their packing lasted them through Sunday where a half full UHaul sat parked in front of our porch. The last words I spoke to her were these “If you’re still thinking of not paying your rent, I’ll see your ass in court.” She looked me in the eyes before clumsily climbing into the U-Haul, “I can’t wait.” Her voice was sickeningly sweet. She basically double dog dared me. That same night I filed my first lawsuit for more than rent was even worth. I hired a sheriff to deliver her notice and waited for the day she realized I never fucking bluff.

Conspiracy Confessions A Short Story

BY KENDRA COET

Ink stains every crevice of my hands, bleeding into the cracks between my skin as I pick up more and more newspapers.

These all have to go away. They need to go away. No one can see them this weekend. What would the alumni think of this?

They’d hate us and not give us anymore funds. It has to be done.

I stare at the stacks of papers, not sure what to do exactly.

Am I wrong to do this?

No. This is the right thing. But the only issue now is where to store these blasted newspapers.

I look around the little room, already noting that my drawers, closet, and dresser are stuffed. My simple clothes sprawl themselves out around the room since they no longer have a home.

Burn them.

But where? How? I’d be no better than the girl who burnt another girl’s hair.

Maybe she has some lighter fluid leftover that she can lend me.

No. This is wrong. But it’s done. So what now?

I sit down on my bed, the newspapers rip underneath my weight as I calculate my next moves.

I could just give these to the animal shelter. I’m sure they’d use the newspapers.

That’s what I’ll do. I’ll donate the stolen papers, that way at least I did a good deed for the week to counteract my horrible deed.

But first, you need to shower. You smell like a newsroom.

I nod before walking over to my bathroom. I discard all my clothing, turn on the shower, and step into the freezing water.

The ink bleeds away.

My car trunk barely closes with all the newspapers. The lights of the parking garage blare down on me, calling me out for anyone who passes. But thankfully no one is passing me this late at night. They are all too busy at parties.

I look around, but no one is on the third level...thankfully. The third level is always where people get away with anything.

A patrol car drives by me, the officer waves at me as he notices the stack of newspapers through my back windshield.

“Are you going to be able to drive that safely?” the officer asks as he rolls down the window.

“Yes, Sir. Just going to make a donation at the closest animal shelter,” I reply before looking back at the car. “Or maybe all of them around town.”

“Just be safe driving.”

He drives away, not thinking anything about the stolen newspapers as I hop into the front seat of my car.

I turn the ignition on.

After the last newspaper drop at the final shelter, the sun is rising. My car has no trace of the newspapers as I climb back in.

Thank God that’s over with.

I look up at the sunrise and know instantly what I have to do next.

I’ve got to get to Church to confess. Maybe I’ll only get twenty penances like last time I took all the newspapers.

Top 5 Totally True, Itemspecific Conspiracy Theories for the College-aged Cretin

BY LAUREN WILLSON

#1 Key-chain Pepper Spray The key-chain pepper industry is the most discriminatory, problematic, sexist, un-woke entity in this nation. Read & respond (but don’t actually respond because I am right and always right and always right and always right): keychain pepper spray is primarily sold in what color? Take a guess as you read this filler jibberishbfjerkwfnjneownfkjenwojnrjkgbnro32hroip3jrj23bbfien foi3. Pink! PINK! The vibrant, fun color most traditionally associated with femininity by the hetero-normies. But why? To push their hetero-normie agenda, of course! #2 Staplers It’s 4:50pm. You have your class, Introduction to Something [less complex than industry professionals retort it to be], at 5pm. It’s time to print that “assignment” you ruminated over all day long, because nothing will ever be good enough for Mr. Professor. Concurrently, you just know any formation of words you put on a page is inherently better than anything the rest of your peer workshop group is going to show up with. You go to reload the paper tray before your “assignment” or whatever prints (which you, the martyr, must do because trees deemed you as carrying bad juju & deserving of routine punishment as if the assignment itself isn't enough). The document prints, and you reach for the concerningly grimey beige stapler that has leftover tape from, probably 1987, still peeling off the sides & the top in this weird formation that triggers your selfdiagnosed trypophobia. You apply the weight necessary to staple a staple, but your document instead has two pronounced-puncture-wounds in the top left corner. It’s now 4:57pm. You try different staplers in secondary and tertiary locations but still…

… no staples! BUT WHY!?!?!?! beWARe! Stockers of staples and professors are up to no good! Something hinky is going on behind closed doors. It’s all a ploy organized by professors to, what? PUBLICLY SHAME YOU & CAUSE A BIG TO-DO IN FRONT OF ALL FOURTEEN OF YOUR (already intellectually inferior) PEERS FOR BEING “UNPREPARED” WHEN YOU SHOW UP WITH UNSTAPLED DOCUMENTS. The professors, unbeknownst to us, have unionized on the matter, and will continue this sadistic practice until we take down Big Stapler once & for all.

#3 Brick Walkways Click-clack. Rat-a-tat-tat. Ah, on college campuses across the country, the old times are the now. But whHy, given advances in solid ground technology? Skaters & their oh-so fragile egos. Similar to the horse-ridin’, gunslingin’ boys of yesteryear, skaters NEED the auditory validation provided by those brickies. How would distracted passerby know they have a coordinated crackerjack just behind them otherwise? When the bricks click-clack, while the “panties” [consensually & enthusiastically] zip-zap.

Con't #4 Paper Straws Those in the beverage business are really excited about “environmentalism” being the new, hot thing this year. Liquid proprietors on college campuses are replacing their reliable, trusted, structurally-sound paper straws with these tubes that dissolve faster than your classmate’s party drug this spring break. But WhYy?!

Would Willy Wonka, of the 2005 hellscape version Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, use a giant paper towel roll to suck up the chocolate river instead of that plastic thing-y Agustus gets stuck in?

No, as that would ruin his planned “fat kid gets stuck” bit. Paper is just not an ideal or practical method of liquid delivery. SO WhHhY do they do it? So that, you will use more monies to buy more liquid because the pH of said liquid is compromised by said tube. No real-world company includes “demonstrates care about climate change” in their business model. If they did, they would simply send you about your day following purchase, lid-less cup in hand #5 Elevators Every university has these boxes that transport the “lazy folk” and the “boomers” up what’s equivalent to about two to three flights of stairs. As part of the “lazy folk” minority-cultural group, I’ve noticed a certain unsweet note on this one elevator in an allegedly new building meant for those in the humanities. A sound synonymous with impending-death-by-3-story-drop. But WHYYYYYYYYYYWYYYYFYYGYY!???#!?!*?;$? I! JUST! KNOW! institutions of higher learning play sound effects in the elevators that serve humanities buildings to the throw humanities majors off their rhythm. To encourage them to switch to something that will provide for more donor money later. Sounds that stir up the thought: “maybe...I’m wasting my unguaranteed, unspecified allotted time on the Earth on this maj--” *ding*, the elevator arrives on individual’s floor of choice. Back to pound-foolish bliss!

7 Ways to Spot a Flat-Earther 1. They might be wearing Shane Dawson’s merch as Dawson posted a video about the flat earth society. (While some of his fans began to believe that the earth was flat, this isn’t the most shocking event as many others believe that white people can excuse racism because of Dawson.)

2. They’re probably tweeting. You might see a wild flat-earther replying to NASA on Twitter claiming “fake news.”

3. You might see some of the dumber ones planning a trip to Antarctica to test if they’ll fall off or not. Sadly, they won’t. And even sadder, these people are willing to risk their lives to prove something that is really, really, absolutely, incredibly incorrect.

4. Some flat-earthers might be seen mingling with anti-vaxxers, because who cares about science anymore? Right? God forbid the two ever procreate. Yikes!

5. You probably already know some: Gary from church and Linda from across the street. Yeah, I know. The disbelief! But why do you think they get scared before driving over a hill? They don’t think they’re going to make it.

6. They’re probably still in high school, because they never passed 9th grade geometry. Mario isn’t there because he’s been suspended fifteen times. That’s just a lie his parents came up with. They think it’s better than people knowing he doesn’t know the difference between a line and a SPHERE. 7. Flat-earthers might be dressed in a traditional 1500s getup since they want to be living in the past so badly. You might even hear them call themselves the reincarnation of Christopher Columbus. Hopefully, they’re not as dumb as he was. Oh, wait.

Get in Touch Have something to ask Vodka Aunt? Like what you see and want to know more? Contact us.

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This Rad Zine is brought to you by Logan Hughes and Kendra Coet Felmly, Co-Editors in Chief Elizaveta Dovgish, Social and Digital Media Director Content Editors: Kristyn Garza, Paige Knight, and Bre Westry, Melissa Gonzales Staff Taylor Arnold Harris Baumann Samantha Josephine Cienfuegos Mallory Hicks Lauren Willson Neenah Cureo Special Thanks to: Tim Bruan Elizabeth Eakman