Home for the Holidays
B.Hooved
Table of Contents Letter From the Editor Christmas Isn't the Only Holiday Dear Vodka Aunt Textbooks? Did We Use Them? Conversations NOT To Have During the Holidays College Kid's Christmas List Santa's Not Real Signs as Christmas Songs Roommate Horror Stories: My First Ever Roommate The Ornaments That Break End of Semester's Do's and Don'ts Vegetarian Thanksgiving with Condescending Carnivores Thanksgiving is Marinated Mushrooms and Glazed Carrots Jolly Holly JAMZ Let's Burry These Memes Contact Us
Social Media Staff and Special Thanks
Letter from the Editor To our amazing readers, This semester was a whirlwind and sometimes it seemed like it would never end. But slowly the weather changed, the leaves began to fall, and we pulled out our sweaters and cuddled up on the couch with our expensive textbooks to study for classes. It’s that time of year again. Everyone is running around preparing for finals on too much caffeine and too little sleep (or if you’re me this is just your norm). If you're like me, you’re also missing your family and wanting to go home for extra cuddles with your pets. Some of you might be dreading the holiday conversations with said family members. In this issue, look forward to all family-related holiday fun (or not so much fun), our holiday playlist, and the never-ending issues students deal with. Thank you so much for your support this semester, and we can't wait to see what the spring semester has in store. Always running on too much caffeine and too little sleep, Kendra Coet Felmly Co-Editor in Chief
Christmas Isn't the Only Holiday By Taylor Arnold
Christmas is by far the most celebrated religious holiday in the world. It’s so celebrated that most of the world has been swallowed in narcissism and has forgotten about every other holiday celebrated. First, it is extremely presumptuous for the entire nation to shut down on Christmas alone. Not to complain for the break, but why are other holidays not honored by school systems? Or why does the White House fill itself with Christmas trees and fails to acknowledge holidays like Hanukkah or Kwanzaa? Offices typically don’t allow leave for non Christmas holidays either. What the hell? I’m sorry not everyone worships the man with the white beard and a white washed Jesus. Not to say that a certain holiday is better than the other, but they do all deserve to be acknowledged and respected just as much as Christmas. The world stops for Christmas, which in theory is beautiful, but other religions offer the same amount of beauty and love. They just express it differently than gathering around in a church for one night to pretend like they actually appreciate their religion.
Dear Vodka Aunt Dear Aunt Vodka, With the holidays coming up, I am getting more and more worried about going home. Sure, there’s nothing like the comfort of home, but there’s also nothing like the relentless questioning about my life choices from my family. I am not the oracle with the all-seeing eye like my family seems to think--how am I supposed to get through every conversation about my love life (or lack thereof) this holiday season?? Ho Ho Help me please, HolidayHelpMe
Dear HolidayHelp, Oh dear, I was in a very similar situation when I came home for the holidays during my freshman year of college! I’ll tell you how I tackled the issue. My mom had this dream that I would follow in her footsteps, meeting the boy I was going to marry during my freshman year of college. She became utterly obsessed with me finding a man, to the point that on the rare occasion that she called me during my first semester, she spent a lot of our conversations interrogating me about my love life. Eventually it got to the point where she told me that if I didn’t bring a boy home for Christmas, I might as well not come home at all. The thing is, my dorm was kicking me out for the whole of Christmas break, so I had to come up with a way to get a boyfriend fast. I hit up all the bars I could find, barraged random guys on campus, begging them to come home with me for the holidays, and at one point I even offered to pay someone to come home with me. No luck. I began to panic as the end of the semester approached, and instead of working on my final assignments, I spent all my time desperately combing campus for somebody to take home. I still don’t see why I wasn’t able to find anybody. Anyways, as the final week of the semester was almost upon me, I was hit with a brilliant idea! This was during the early 2000’s, so craigslist had recently come into popularity, and I went on the site and made a post for a job offering, imploring that somebody from the internet help me with my dilemma. A week later, I got my one (and only) response: Kieth. Kieth was an older guy with a mustache, a mullet, and a bit of a beer belly; not exactly my type, but I was willing to roll with it. With Kieth on my arm, I was granted access to come home, and I only lost $500 in the whole process! I could tell that Kieth wasn’t exactly what my mom had envisioned, but she begrudgingly accepted him into our home. It turns out Kieth was a pretty cool guy too, and he even introduced me to the one true love in my life: hard liquor. The only flaw to my plan was that my mom noticed that a few things were missing from our house after Keith and I had bid our fair wells, but oh well. You win some, you lose some. Take my advice, dear: find yourself a Kieth and avoid all of those awkward questions about your love life. Maybe also throw in a few lies about your grades and some great internship that you’re working at while you’re at it. Have a happy holidays and find yourself a Kieth, Vodka Aunt
Textbooks? Did We Use Them? By Harris Baumann
Men, women, children, and non-binary humans, listen up. We all know about how crazy the cost of textbooks are nowadays; the cheapest usually being $20 and spanning all the way to almost $300. In fact, the average amount of money spent on textbooks for one student is $1200. It’s unfair, it makes no sense, and everyone complains about it. But with everyone complaining about the price of textbooks, no one is talking about one important factor: the paper! Math majors, get out your calculators for this next part to double check my work. The average textbook has 700 pages in it, with the average price being $200 new; that averages out to approximately 28 cents a page. The average ream of paper, holding about 500 sheets each, costs approximately $7.55. That means for 700 sheets of paper it would cost about $10.57. This then averages out to 2 cents a page. That means just for the pages, it costs 14 times the amount of regular paper. Note: I know what you may be thinking and yes, there are more factors to a textbook than the paper. They use different colors of ink and have to illustrate the cover, as well as pay for copyrighting, printing, and distribution of the books, among other things, which needs to be accounted for when calculating the total price for books. So maybe the price seems realistic now. But never shall we forget the debt they cost us, so let’s not lose focus on the paper and the revolt against capitalism.
College Student's Christmas List Dear Santa (better known as Mom), I’ve been so good this year. I’ve repressed all of my trauma and ignored my mental health issues in order to get straight A’s! To celebrate my bittersweet victory, I’ve compiled a list of things that I deserve after such a stressful, trying semester.
1. Warm, home-cooked meals 2. Food that isn’t made in a microwave 3. Meals that were prepared outside of a dining hall (Are you getting the hint?) 4. Stress ball for when my professors assign two presentations, two exams, and one group project, all due in the same week 5. Portable phone charger so I can waste hours on Twitter in the library 6. Fitbit that I can use for one week before losing it in my sock drawer 7. Endless supply of Yerba Mate to aid my all-nighters 8. Box of healthy snacks that I can look at as I eat a whole bag of Takis at 3AM 9. Curology face wash because those constant YouTube ads got to me (and I’d like to have at least one thing going for me) 10. Yoga mat so guests think I lead an active lifestyle 11. An alarm clock that I’ll sleep through every morning 12. A book to leave on my shelf all semester until I need an excuse to procrastinate 13. A bigger meal plan so that I don’t have to eat Maruchan for dinner every night 14. Pepper spray for when I walk back to my dorm from Rags at 2AM 15. A car so that I won’t be stuck on campus all semester 16. A license to drive said car 17. A plant that I will probably forget to water 18. Condoms (I’m sorry, Father Sorin) ((I’m also sorry, mom)) 19. An astrology book so I can learn why Capricorns have done me so dirty 20 A speaker to blast Janelle Monae and Steve Lacy every single morning Love your favorite virgin, Sammy Jo
Conversations NOT To Have During the Holidays By Paige Knight
Families can be tricky, especially around the holidays. Living in Austin, we’re likely to have very different views than our family members that live in other parts of Texas. Here are a few conversation topics you should avoid at the dinner table, followed by some potential reactions to expect if you don’t heed this advice.
1. “So, who’s upset that Beto lost?” This one is a big no-no. Maybe you have a few cool Democratic aunts or uncles, but chances are (especially if you’re white), your family members voted for Cruz. Worst case scenario, you start an all-out riot at your dinner table. The few cool, Democratic relatives are in an all out brawl with your other family members. Tables are flipped, children are crying, you can see the vein in your uberconservative aunt’s forehead pulsing from clear across the table. Best case scenario, your grandmother pisses you off by going on a rant about how Beto deserved to lose, and he proved it by saying the f-word at his concession speech (taking that speech completely out of context based on what she heard on Fox News, of course). Of course, she won’t have anything to say about what zodiac-killer Ted Cruz had that Beto didn’t (aside from a face that makes even his own children uncomfortable). When you ask her about this, one of your relatives will curtly ask that we stop discussing politics. Trust me on this one, no good will come from trying to argue with people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
2. “Can you believe that this turkey used to be alive?” I kid you not, I actually said this at a (very fancy) family dinner once. To be fair, I was five at the time, it was the first time I was allowed to sit at the adult table with my parents, and I guess I just had an epiphany and had to blurt it out. All of my relatives stopped mid-chew and gave me the death glare. Despite the truthfulness of this statement (and the, I’m sure, noble intent behind it on the part of my pro-vegan pals), I’d say this is a topic best avoided at the thanksgiving dinner table for people of all ages. People will get downright nasty about their right to eat meat (and their right to not think about the implications of that action), and I’m sure you don’t want to get your relatives started on bashing the “liberal” lifestyle.
3. “Christopher Columbus was actually an asshole.” This one isn’t necessarily restricted to Thanksgiving dinner, but if your relatives are like mine, avoid making this statement at all cost. You only make that mistake once. You can try to argue with your grandma all you want about how Columbus didn’t even set out to discover America, he just got lost on a different expedition — and, oh yeah, he totally murdered a BUNCH of people who should actually be credited with founding America— but she’s not going to hear you over her repeated chanting that “Columbus was a brave man who risked his life to find this great country.” Trust me, nothing will come from this aside from you being pissed off and scrolling through your phone to find an article that will prove your point. And once you do find proof, the conversation will have moved onto a different topic — plus, your grandma would reject any source you find that isn’t Fox News.
Moral of the story, don’t talk to your family about anything that is actually important, unless you’re ready to face the consequences. It’s best to just play it safe and keep conversation topics limited to how good the food is, what your plans are for next semester, and how excited you are for Christmas. You’ll thank me later.
Santa's Not Real By Taylor Arnold
“You better watch, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town…” or is he? We all grew up with this fictional fluffy man with a long white beard and red suit that literally comes down our chimney’s. Really? If you are among the few that still worship this king of capitalism, I’ve got some news for you: the man is a myth. Aside from being “fake news,” Santa is damn near a stalker. What kind of man “sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake” I’m not the biggest fan of some old slave owning man watching me in my sleep. Nor am I a fan of him knowing if I’ve been bad or good. We all know deep, deep down that Santa is a hoax created by parents to keep their children in line. But what about the college kids? Why is this man still present in our lives? Why do our parents still implement him in Christmas traditions? Ultimately, our parents deserve the credit we’ve given to ole Kris Kringle our entire lives. They don’t require 9 reindeer to drag them around and they pay attention to us without the full blown stalker attitude.
Signs as Christmas Songs BY MALLORY HICKS
Happy Holidays, Hilltoppers! Aries (March 21-April 19): All I Want For Christmas Is You// Mariah Carey Not only is Mariah Carey herself an Aries, but nothing sounds more Aries to me than a song that’s general premise is: fuck christmas, who cares, if I don’t have you *crosses arms and pouts*. Don’t let the whistle tones fool you! All I Want For Christmas Is You is, like the Aries, throwing a fit! Andin the most extra and socially accepted way possible? AND is the international anthem of CHRISTMAS? Well done, Aries. Taurus (April 20-May 21): Jingle Bells//Andrea Bocelli feat. The Muppets Nothing screams “traditional” like the Taurus, so what is more fitting than Jingle Bells? The Taurus is notorious for being a traditionalist, but also will never cease to surprise you in the strangest ways, such as pull some shit like dropping $200 on their own Christmas present. Which is why they are Jingle Bells FEATURING The Muppets. Is combining the styling of an Italian classical singer and fucking Ms. Piggy wild? Sure. But does it WORK? Hell yes. Who doesn’t love some Muppet flavor to their Christmas carols. Gemini (May 22-June 20) Carol of the Bells What reminds me of our dear Gemini is the fact that Carol of the Bells (or at least the only versions worth listening to) is sung by four different voice parts at the same time, which sounds eerily similar to the multiple internal monologues within the Gemini at any time. Listen to the chorus. It’s wild, harmonious, dissonant, and controlled all a the same time! Just like our Gemini friends. Cancer (June 21-July 22): Mary Did You Know Do you know what haunts my dreams? Any version of Mary Did You Know. The alluring and (unnecessarily) melancholy tune just radiates Cancer energy. Cancer: Mother of the Zodiac. Mary: Mother of The Son of God. Similarities? I would say so. Both are sad for no reason, even during “the most wonderful time of year.” Was Mary a Cancer? Tbh, I would argue yes. Leo (July 23- August 22): Santa Baby//Eartha Kitt Santa Baby is vain and materially obsessed, just like our Leo friend. You can’t blame the Leo for enjoying nice things almost as much as their fellow fixed sign, the Taurus. Leo loves to be worshipped and appreciated and no better way than with GIFTS. Come through, Santa! These Leos are gearing up to be showered with almost as many gifts as they plan on giving this holiday season. Virgo (August 23-September 22): Twelve Days of Christmas//Bing Crosby & The Andrews Sisters No holiday song stresses me out more than the Twelve Days of Christmas. The succinct, fast-paced, and stressful melody truly reminds me of the Virgo. Sorry, Virgo, I know that the holiday season MUST be hard for you because you feel the need to plan it all and make everything PERFECT. Your holiday anxiety haunts your dreams just as this song haunts mine.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)//Mariah Carey OR Michael Bublé This is one of my FAVORITE Christmas songs because Mariah Carey sounds sad af, but the melody is A GREAT time. Baby Please Come Home gives me some hard Libra vibes a) because she’s giving us some great imagery and we know that Libras are all about visual aesthetic™ and b) the melody slaps to hide how sad Mariah is to be alone. Hello? Denying that you’re not having a good time without someone? Smiling through the pain? We see you, Libra! Scorpio (October 23-November 21): The Christmas Song (The one about chestnuts roasting on an open fire….yeah, that one) Generally speaking, I would say that people don’t remember the name of this song because of it’s unoriginal name, yet it has some of Christmas’ most iconic lines. The Scorpio, however, is NOT forgettable at all. The Christmas Song makes me feel like an absent daughter, even in the comfort of my own home. Emotional manipulation? Sound familiar, Scorpio? We get it, you have a brand to uphold. Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas You know who would want a hippopotamus for Christmas? Definitely the Sagittarius. Why, you ask? Well, Sagittarius tends to want things that a) aren’t good for them and destroy their lives and b) don’t think things through AT ALL. They make impulsive decisions in the name of fun, just like this spoiled ass kid who won’t settle for a doll or some dinky tinker toys because he legitimately wants a fucking hippopotamus for Christmas. Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Michael Bublé’s Entire Christmas Album Capricorns love what? Safety. Who has the most safe and homely voice possible, AS WELL as a Capricorn ascending? Michael Bublé. Michael has major dad energy (which we love)and so does the Capricorn. Caps love to take care of people that didn’t ask to be taken care of, just as M. Bub gave us a Christmas album we didn’t ask for, but do we love them both? Absolutely. Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Drummer Boy//The Justin Bieber version Listen, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; Aquarians thrive off of individualism and being different. WHAT song is more unique and one of a kind than Justin Bieber’s cover of holiday CLASSIC, Drummer Boy feat. Busta Rhymes??? Drummer Boy has it ALL: a Michael Jackson reference, Justin Bieber rapping about world peace, Busta Rhymes rapping about chinchillas, and a beat that didn’t have to go that hard but DID. Bieber’s cover and Aquarius? Humanitarian icons. Drummer Boy adds its own twist and flair to a holiday classic, just as the Aquarius does so to their own lives. Pisces (February 19-March 20): Last Christmas//Wham! Firstly, I love this song. Secondly, the best part of this song is that George Michael is CLAIMING to give his heart to someone special, yet he’s still *eye emoji-ing* his unrequited love!! Saying something and doing the opposite? Being wishywashy in their feelings? Emo on Christmas day? That is ICONICALLY, Pisces. Last Christmas slaps because it’s emo and happy and jaded, which are all characteristics of our friend, the Pisces.
Roommate Horror Stories: My First Ever Roommate By Kendra Coet Felmly
Siblings. A lot of us have them, and some of us don’t. If you have them and you’re unlucky enough to have shared a room- I’m so sorry. My sister and I shared a bedroom off and on until I was ten. Over the years, I shared plenty of spaces and spent many nights rooming with my sister. For my sister and I, we always butted heads until we hit our pre-teen years, but even then we still fight. She was my first roommate, and we learned a lot about each other and how to live with others. My sister never wanted a younger sibling. The home video of our parents telling her resulted in an over-dramatic two-year-old crying “oh, what are we going to do? This is awful!” in a reclining chair while hiding her face and tears. One would think she would become excited about having a baby sister to share her life and room, but the moment my mom left for the hospital to have me my sister refused to say goodbye. The early years of our rooming together didn’t get easier. She would find literal dog shit when our dogs pooped in the house on odd occasions and took toilet paper and placed it on my bed. She wanted to be Cruella De Vil and broke off my barbie doll’s leg to use as a cigarette. I was the dalmation puppies to her Cruella De Vil. She brought cardboard signs and taught my two-yearold self tricks so that people could buy me at our local Walmart and H-E-B. One time she went as far as locking me out of the house in only a diaper so I could “run away” while our mother was in the bathroom. That same year, after playing “doctor,” I had to get my stomach pumped due to my sister thinking using real pills would be fun. But still, we remained roommates until we moved into a bigger house. Even then, we continued to share our room off-and-on throughout the years. When I asked Noell what her highlighted memories of me as her first roommate were she said “Damn, Kendra, there’s a lot. What didn’t you do to me and what didn’t I do to you?” So in true big sister fashion, she listed my crimes off in texts. For the most part, I agreed. According to her, I always “forgot” how to make my bed on my own when guests came- I forced my sister to do it for me whenever we shared a room, and even those years between the times we shared a room. What was the funniest part of this was that my grandmother had Noell and I make our beds at her house as if we were maids at a hotel since I was five. I knew the perfect way to make my bed up, I just liked the way Noell did it more.I also always “didn’t know how” to work the washer and dryer whenever it was my turn to help do the laundry. Noell could see past my fake tears and pleads of “I don’t understand” while doing the laundry herself. When it came to folding that laundry, I did a half-assed job and got away with it. I was only eight, nine, or ten, how could I know how to fold the right way after years of being shown by Dad?
My sister got back at me for all my crimes over the years- mainly with what movies or television shows we watched. Right before we went on a cruise our grandparents gave us as a Christmas present, she purposefully made me watch Titanic after our mother told us not to watch it. It wasn’t because her thirteen year old and eleven year old wouldn’t understand it- it was because of the sinking boat. It was Noell’s and my secret that we watched Titanic- until my panic attack at the lifeboat drill seventy-two hours later. Another time changed my view of one of the Lord of the Rings actors forever because of a scene in a sauna where he starts out in a towel and ends up in nothing. She told me to uncover my eyes at the full frontal close-up which haunted my nine-year-old mind for weeks. Eventually I got over the image ingrained into my mind as our family shows to watch together consisted of The Tudors and Spartus. I still don’t understand the logic of allowing pre-teens to watch these shows, but at least I was able to move past the fear instilled on me from any movies Noell watched alone with me.
Our parents probably prayed that we asked to have our own rooms for years. Not only did we have to deal with each other in every state, but they also had to deal with us when we began to scheme together. One hot Texas summer day when I was six, Dad and Mom told us we couldn’t go over to our friends with the pool to swim until after we finished cleaning the bathroom- that included the floors. Noell and I both didn’t want to do the floors, and we tried to feign ignorance at the task. All we had to do was sweep after cleaning the sinks, bath, and toilet. But since we knew it would take longer, Noell and I came up with our own plan. We put on our swimsuits after cleaning the rest of the second master bathroom, closed the closet door, and smiled at each other. She stood on the closed toilet seat lid and began to pour out cupfulls of water onto the tiled floor. I stood on the counter and began to empty three bottles of shampoo onto the floor. Eventually we switched tasks and soon our bathroom was our own slip-n-slide. Our parents should have known something was up with the constant bangs from above their heads as we fell down over and over again. Our laughter should have been a hint, there was no screaming about who cleaned what. They should have known something was up with the quiet whispers between our falls. It felt like hours before our father finally climbed the stairs to find us laughing and playing around on the bathroom floor. It was probably only half an hour. We didn’t get to go to our friends’ pool that day. And after that summer ended, we weren’t roommates anymore. At ten, my sister and I decided we wanted to share a room again. But once we unpacked the room, we discovered that twelve-year-olds and ten-year-olds shouldn’t share a room unless they have to. We couldn’t agree who got what side of our walk-in closet or which sink in the bathroom. We shouted and hollered, our parents not wanting to step in, until I looked at my sister and told her to move out of MY room (even though it was never my room before we decided to move into it and switched the whole house around). She moved out that same day. She decided to move into the other bedroom downstairs which was the garage converted room without a closet while I had the house’s second master bedroom to myself. I only had to share the bathroom and closet. As much as my parents probably hated us rooming together, they helped both of us get back at one another. I hated cursing or flipping anyone off until I was fourteen, so my father and sister would have “flip off wars” all around our living room until I screamed for my mother to make them stop. They would make ninja sounds while flipping each other off, and I would hide my face in my mother’s shirt until she told me to flip them off and they would stop. When I finally heeded her advice, my father was so shocked he took a photo of his thirteen-year-old daughter flipping him off and sent it in our family group chat. My sister and I would also team up to make our grandparents and father uncomfortable. For about two years, whenever our mother knew we were ready to leave she would say “let’s go little hoes” and open the garage door for us. My sister and I would reply “out the door ugly whore” as we walked to our car. My father hated this tradition, and my sister and I loved to laugh at his expression whenever we did it. Thinking back on it, my mother probably shouldn’t have taught her nine and eleven year-old daughters to call her a whore. While I wish my sister and I didn’t fight like cats and dogs when we were little, I would never give up the memories of rooming with her, pestering her as little sisters do, or teaming up with her. She prepared me in the best ways for my future roommates, and she gave me some of my best memories. She truly became one of my best friends, but she had to be one of my worst roommates ever. I would never willingly room with her again, nor would she willingly room with me.
The Ornaments That Break By Taylor Arnold
Every year my mother would take my sister, Madi, and I to the store to pick out an ornament for the tree. We would roam the Christmas aisles in search of the perfect ornament to adorn our 9 foot tree later that night. Despite these new ornaments, Madi always found a way to break one of the traditional glass ball ornaments that my mother had for years. We would all take turns climbing the step ladder to decorate very specific sections. I couldn’t go in Madi’s section and she couldn’t go in mine. The lights and Christmas music would fill the room as well as occasional bickering from Madi and I over decorating. We were very detail oriented little brats. My mother would then respond with hints of ass whoopings around the corner and the most ludicrous lie. She would tell us that a snowglobe with Tinkerbell in the middle dressed in Christmas attire served as Santa’s eyes in our home. That got us to be quiet and cordial. Then the room would go silent. Madi dropped an ornament. It’s become tradition. She then is suspended from using any glass ornaments and would glare at the broken shards on the tile. Now, her childhood mishaps have become humorous and expected from my mother and I. Now, it is us that break ornaments each year.
End of Semester's Do's and Don'ts By Samantha Josephine Cienfuegos
Congrats, ya’ll! You made it to the end of the semester--- the home stretch. You can almost taste the egg nog and homemade gingerbread cookies… the winter fling you’re planning for the break… the judgmental comments from family about your liberal arts degree. We’re almost there. There’s only a couple of self-loathing weeks left, and guess what? You definitely got this! To help, I’ve compiled a list of End-Of-Semester Do’s and End-Of-Semester PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD Don’t’s. End-Of-Semester Do’s DO remember to eat. It’s easy to forget when you’re running around trying to teach yourself pre-cal. Make sure to eat foods with tons of nutrients to help you power through these last weeks. DO start studying early. Cramming a couple of days before finals is never a good thing. Utilize the library, writing center, tutoring, anything you need NOW. Get organized and be prepared so that you won’t be having an anxiety attack in the library the night before your chem final. DO celebrate your small victories. If you killed your symposium presentation, order some Michi Ramen to treat yourself. During this rushed and horrible time of the semester, it’s important to be kind to yourself. You got through this before, and you’ll do it again!
End-Of-Semester Don'ts DON’T walk into your professor’s office hours asking for extra credit if you haven’t put in any effort all year. It’s too late to start kissing up, so make sure to do well on any remaining assignments for the class; a C on your transcript won’t kill you. Learn from this and do better next time. DON’T start anything new this late into the semester. If you don’t usually wake up at 5am and run, this really isn’t the time to be doing it. If you haven’t seen New Girl on Netflix, you should definitely not be starting that, either. You should only be worried about studying. You have all of winter break to binge-watch New Girl and get those huge glutes that you’ve always wanted. DON’T give up. You’ve come this far and we all believe in you. You OWN this semester. Go get ‘em, tiger!
Vegetarian Thanksgiving with Condescending Carnivores By Krystin Garza
I try y’all, I really do. I try so hard to protect my precious little plastic container of pad thai I prepare the night before. But no matter what I do, they still manage to pry it from my hands and play soccer with it; the only food I have to eat. My family has a tradition that started nine years ago, when ten year old me decided to stop eating meat. Picking on the vegetarian is their favorite Thanksgiving tradition. My cousins try to hold me down and shove cabrito in my mouth. My abuela, bless her heart, forgets every year about my eating habits and ends up handing me a plate filled with her pork tamales piled on like bricks. My tias stand in a judgmental corner talking shit about me and asking me incessant questions like, “Why don’t you eat meat? What’s wrong with you? You think you’re better than us? Why are you such a freak?” My own father tries his hand at shoving a plate full of barbacoa and chorizo and cabrito in my face, touching my skin and forcing me to breathe in the nauseous fumes of a heart attack on a platter. What am I supposed to say to that? “Yum, how appetizing, please hand me dead animal carcasses?” I don’t think so. But I’m small compared to the rest of my family. I’m slower and have terrible reflexes. So every year, without fail, I get my food stolen and end up having to have a cup full of my abuela’s rice while everyone else laughs their asses off because they can see the birds picking at the food they had tried to kick like a soccer ball out the window in the backyard. So this year, as Thanksgiving comes around, don’t be a dick and just respect other people’s choices. If someone’s a vegan, vegetarian, pescaterian, etc. please respect that and move on with your life. Don’t tease and harass folks, or they just might (like I did last year) steal all of your meat and leave you nothing!
Thanksgiving is Marinated Mushrooms and Glazed Carrots By Bre Westry
Thanksgiving is marinated mushrooms and glazed carrots. That’s how us vegans do it, if you can bare it. Not a turkey is harmed just to be placed on the table. No, this isn’t some long ago written holiday fable. Have you ever had mashed potatoes without gravy? Stuffing that’s never been stuffed, are we crazy? Maybe to some, we seem just a bit off When we begin to pass the rice pilaf. Or maybe it’s the vegetable medley that’s making you quite cross. No roasted brussel sprouts? Huh, your loss!
I get your bewilderment, hesitation, confusion. That this is some well disguised holiday illusion. I was once in your shoes, yes, a vegan beginner. But don’t knock it until you try our Thanksgiving dinner
Jolly Holiday JAMZ By Sarah Gonzales
Every season has its songs that we associate with it. Here are some of my picks for the holidays. Find it on Spotify by searching "jolly holiday JAMZ" or just see it below. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” Mariah Carey “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” Brenda Lee “A Holly Jolly Christmas” Burl Ives “Feliz Navidad” Jose Feliciano “Eternal Light” Kenny G “Jingle Bell Rock” Bobby Helms “A Wonderful Christmastime” Paul McCartney “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” Frank Sinatra “Winter Wonderland” Connie Francis “Silver Bells” Tony Bennett “Last Christmas” Wham! (RIP George Michael <3) “Baby It’s Cold Outside” Idina Menzel, Michael Buble “Carol of the Bells” Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Link to the playlist in case you need it: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6c8LSWjtoRsuJYEav7mxik
Let's Bury These Memes By Harris Baumann
Dabbing The dab died in the summer of 2017. No one really knows where the dab came from; some experts have theorized that it came into creation at the same time as the universe, while other say it was born in Atlanta in 2010. Whatever the case, it brought joy to us by giving us a way to express ourselves that killed a little bit more of humanity each time it was used. It has lived on through middle school children who donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know where to put their arms when they dance and the parents of aforementioned groove-less middle schoolers. On December 12, 2018 at 1:00 PM, to honor its memory, I ask those to dab on their haters. Rest in peace. Â Fortnite Fortnite died in December of 2017. It was birthed on July 25, 2017 from Epic Games, acting as a new networkbased first person console shooter game. It brought joy into our lives by being fun for a few months and then it became a distraction to keep our annoying little siblings busy. It is lived on by middle-schoolers who think that the dance moves in the game qualify as a socially appropriate form of communication and the occasional nerd who has nothing better to do with their day. On December 14, 2018 at 3:00 PM, I ask all of those out there to do their best Fortnite dance in honor of its memory. Rest in peace. Hot Dog Guy The Dancing Hot Dog Guy died on June 23, 2017. It was born on June 23, 2017, made as a filter to be used on Snapchat. It brought nothing into our lives, not leaving an impact on any self-respecting person over the age of 12. It is lived on through YouTube compilations and girls who still like to use the dog-filter on Snapchat. On December 13, 2018 at 2:30 PM, I ask all of those out there to send a Snapchat to someone with a random filter to honor this abominationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s memory. Rest in peace.
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This Zine Is Brought to You By Logan Hughes and Kendra Coet Felmly, Co-Editors in Chief Elizaveta Dovgish, Social and Digital Media Director Content Editors: Kristyn Garza, Paige Knight, Melissa Gonzales, and Bre Westry Staff Taylor Arnold Dylan Del Castillo Harris Baumann Samantha Josephine Cienfuegos Mallory Hicks Sarah Gonzales
Special Thanks to: Tim Bruan Elizabeth Eakman