October Issue
Let's fail our midterms again
B.Hooved
Table of Contents Letter from the Editor What Not to Wear Bad Couples Costumes Dear Vodka Aunt Let's Burry These Memes The Devil is Here and His Name is...Midterms Spookyscopes 6 Word Horror Stories 10 Halloween Movies to Watch Really Horror Movies? Bring Back Pennywise Contact Us Social Media Staff and Special Thanks
Letter from the Editor Hey, dudes (and non-dudes)! BOO! It’s midterms! AH! Midterms are a rough fuckin’ time, y’all. You good? You doing okay? Are you staying hydrated with water boiled for at least 3+ minutes? (Tip: wait for the water to cool before drinking to avoid third degree burns). Did you eat any vegetables recently? Have you looked at your grade in French class and considered selling your soul to the Devil to survive this semester? It’s a spooky ass time, and I don’t just mean Halloween! Midterm tests! Midterm elections! Midterm skip-Fall-and-go-straight-to-Winter Texas! Midterm mental breakdowns! Are you spooked yet? If Ted Cruz’s dumb butter face and missing the Pass/No Pass paperwork deadline isn’t enough to scare the shit out of you, we’ve got this special Halloween edition zine that’ll spook all the humor right out of your butt!
In this edition, you’ll find some horror stories, costumes, some deathly memes that we should definitely just stab in the face already, a dope Trick or Treat Playlist, the Devil, sweet sweet Vodka Aunt’s advice--slutty edition, Mallory’s campusfamous Spookyscopes (see what we did there?), constructive criticism of horror moves, costumes, and a few funnies. Would I have liked to throw more fart jokes in there? Maybe. That’s why I mentioned butts at the end of the last paragraph. You’re welcome. Enjoy!
Digital and Social Media Fuck-It-Upper, Liza
What Not To Wear BY SAMMY JO
For a special 5-year anniversary of What Not To Wear, Stacy London agreed to let me interview her. How exciting! My only hope was that she wouldn’t take apart the outfit I wore--she did and it was brutal. Since Halloween is approaching, I decided to ask her what the dos and don’ts of Halloween costumes are. As a somewhat fashion-forward person myself, I was interested in hearing what sexy-animal-esque costume would best fit my squircle-shaped body. When I met Stacy, she had three tips for Halloween costumes to share with me: 1. If it’s accentuating your wang, DON’T wear it. It’s gross and definitely not going to get you any matches on Tinder. 2. Opt away from dressing up as a member of a group you don’t identify with. I’m not telling you not to dress up as a member of the Blue Man Group (although that is still a bad idea). I’m telling you dressing up as a sexy Native American or wearing an Afro when you’re not Black is a definite Halloween DON’T. Don’t appropriate other cultures. It’s not cute.
3. Try plaid instead of stripes. Looking taller is OUT. Loving your body is IN. I think the world should give plaid a chance this Halloween. Have a spooktacular halloween!
Bad Couples Coustimes BY DYLAN DEL CASTILLO
We all love showing that we are “so in sync” with our significant other. This Halloween we will see many couples who are “inseparable” and “in love” by wearing costumes that match perfectly. But, maybe stay away from people dressed like this: -The “Two Midgets In A Coat” You both get a really long coat and then stand on each other's shoulders. Then you hit your head on doors -The “Murdered Spouses” Because even in the afterlife you two can’t get along. -The “Tinder Hookup” This is really easy. Just wear each other’s clothes and look really embarrassed. -The “We Just Got Done Having Sex” This is even easier. Just wear nothing and gloat to everyone single. (Just be prepared to lose a few friends) -The “ We Met Online” Cut out a cardboard square big enough to cover your face. Decorate and you’re done! Bonus points if you never see the other person. -The “I Just Wanna Bang” Make vulgar motions while “your boo” isn’t looking and hi-five your friends more often than usual. -The “Siamese twins” Laugh with your friends, joke with each other and try to forget the implied incest you and your date are displaying for the world to see. -The “Waiting Until Marriage” Lie to your parents. Well, There you go. Remember, all of these will work, but by the end of the night, we all know they’re coming off. Happy Halloween!
Dear Vodka Aunt Dear Vodka Aunt, I am having the American Horror Story of costume choices. My boyfriend wants me to wear the sexy bumble bee costume, but my friends and I want to go in group costumes as The Incredibles (I’ll be Jack-Jack). What should I do? What my boyfriend wants or what I want to do with my friends? Have I mentioned how much Halloween costumes suck? Help!
-FrightfulFloozy
Dear FrightfulFloozy, Ah yes, the age old question: to slut or not to slut? Let me tell you a little story, that way you can learn from my mistakes. When I was in college, I had the longest, most meaningful relationship of my whole life. We were together for, like, three whole months! I was head over heels for him and, when Halloween came around, he asked me to wear a sexy costume to a party we were going to. At the time, I was into this “woman empowerment” movement. I decided that I would dress the way I wanted to, not the way my boyfriend wanted me to. Big mistake. The moment I showed up in my Teletubbies costume -- which was even fitted with stilts to make it more believable (did you know that those guys are like 10 feet tall?)-- I saw his face and knew I had made a mistake. I got tons of compliments for my costume, but that didn’t matter because my boyfriend didn’t like it. A week later, he broke up with me over that costume. He also said I was an “alcoholic” and “gave horrible advice,” but that’s beside the point. My costume was obviously the main issue. Sweetheart, listen to me when I tell you this: the sluttier the costume, the better. Your own happiness is not worth losing your boyfriend over. At the end of the day, that relationship is what will make you happy, not your own interests and hobbies. I mean, I love my homemade jewelry business, but it is nothing compared to that amazing college relationship that I wrecked over a stupid Halloween costume. Make your man happy and have a spooky Halloween, Vodka Aunt
Let's Burry These Memes BY HARRIS BAUMANN
Harambe
Harambe died on May 28, 2016; his meme later died in 2017. It came into our lives on May 28, 2016, born after the titular gorilla was shot at the Cincinnati Zoo when a toddler entered his habitat. This gorilla brought no joy, only heartache as we wept for this gentle giant...or attempted child murderer. Truly one of the world’s most tragic characters, he is lived on by human rights activists and people in high school who think Harambe is a famous basketball player. On October 31, 2018 at 12:00 PM, in honor of his memory, I ask those to shout out a solemn “Harambe!” Rest in peace. Vine
Bad Luck Brian
Vine died on January 17, 2017. It came into our lives on January 24, 2013, acting as a social media service where people were allowed to post 6 second videos. The app brought joy into our lives by giving us other memes and launching internet stars on par with Kim Kardashian. It is lived on by people who quote popular vines daily and use them as their bios on Tinder. On November 1, 2018 at 3:00 PM, in honor of its memory, I ask those to shout out a solemn “I dropped my croissant.” Rest in peace.
Bad Luck Brian died around 2012. He came into our lives in 2010, one of the first memes, after a teenager’s bad yearbook photo went viral. It brought joy into our lives by helping spawn the creation of the meme and making us realize that our lives could be worse. It is lived on in McDonald’s commercials and people who still think the sweater vest in an acceptable fashion choice. On November 2, 2018 at 1:30 PM, I ask those to make the stupidest face they can in honor of this man. Rest in peace.
The Devil is here and his name is Midterms BY REBECCA HARVILLE
It’s that time of year again. Now, you’re probably wondering if you’re ready for it, or you’re running around like a scared, lost child in a haunted house if you already know you aren’t. You also might have felt a drop in your stomach, that dread that accompanies watching a scary movie that you’d otherwise laugh at if you weren’t alone in the dark cuddling your dog or cat or whatever poor creature that can be suffocated by you. You might be walking to your destination in a zig-zag pattern, praying you won’t run into “you know what”. But, let me tell you this: midterms are not that scary.. . Sure, they only make or break your entire college experience, it’s no big deal. One day, you’re trying to just get by in life, and the next, you’re walking back from the library after a long night of studying praying to God for him to just get it over with and smite you dead. He won’t. The only person to shed your tears of utter despair to is the Devil, because, let’s face it, the professors are still drunk off of your tears from last semester so they’ve already had their fill of your sorrow. As you stare at your midterm study guide with dread weighing down your heart and making your chest heavy, just know that that is the Devil. Yes, the Devil is a piece of paper. You are in Hell. The only way to get out of this mess is to praise Lucifer. Once you start to praise him, the Antichrist will come, and relief will be blessed to us all. (Unless you’re a shitty person. If you’re a shitty person , you’re fucked, my man.) So, look to your midterms with pride because once we start praising it, our worry will fall.
Don’t forget: The Devil is here, and his name is Midterms. Praise him (or be forever doomed with a low GPA)!
Dr. Frank-n-Furter is who we should dress as this year
SpookyScopes BY MALLORY HICKS
The time of Hallows Eve is upon us, Toppers! How will the signs be spending their Halloween weekend? Aries (March 21-April 19) The Aries goes so hard for Halloween because it’s one of the only times of year that it’s socially acceptable to call that much attention to yourself and not be *as* annoying. You’ve been thinking about your costume since November 1, 2017, so you’re READY to get out there, do a keg stand maybe, and post an iconic Insta post to remind us that we are not worthy. Taurus (April 20-May 21) C’mon Taurus, get into the Halloween spirit! We know that you don’t like things that you can’t explain (i.e. ghosts, ghouls, goblins, and astrology) but the LEAST you can do is put on a Jim Halpert costume and go out with your friends for the first time in 80 years. Gemini (May 22-June 20) Gemini, you don’t know what you’re dressing up as nor do you know your plans. You can’t decide! The Gemini has multiple sides, so you should tap into your one of many. Some argue that all Gemini are evil which you can definitely bank off of for the darkest holiday of the year *maniacally laughs.* Cancer (June 21-July 22) Oh, we LOVE a Cancer Halloween costume. Cancer, you love Halloween for the opportunity to stunt a look without the possibility of seeming vain which you are secretly. You’re ready to wear all the glitter and the sparkles and get too drunk and cry in someone’s car. Leo (July 23- August 22) Leo! You’re the Halloween cliche that we’ve all come to love. Sexy cat? Did that. Sexy police? Done. Sexy nun? Yikes, but we wouldn’t put it past you. We get it, you love the attention AND the shock factor. PLEASE tell me more about your costume that is both a political AND fashion statement!! Virgo (August 23-September 22) If I had to pick a sign that is most likely to dress up as a woodland creature, the Virgo would be the one to pick. I hope that you’ve prepped by watching multiple YouTube tutorials on how to make yourself look like Bambi.
Libra (September 23-October 22) Aw, Libra! You’re fresh out of your Libra season high and now you’re forced to ride out Scorpio season. At least you get to decorate your house for Halloween right? How much did you spend at Hobby Lobby for the aesthetic of your Insta story? Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Oop, it’s your time to shine, Scorpio. What says, “I’m spooky, mysterious, and definitely hiding something” more than the Scorpio? So of course it makes sense that Halloween falls right in the beginning of Scorpio season. You finally have the excuse to personify your emo, spooky inner-self! Take a break from over-analyzing every second of your life and howl at the moon. Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Ah, Sagittarius, you can’t hardly wait for Halloween because that means ADVENTURE. Let’s be honest, out of all the signs in the zodiac, the Sagittarius WOULD be the first one to get murdered in a slasher film. So dress up as the devil that we know you are, Sag, and don’t open any closets! Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Capricorn, you work so hard! You need to let yourself loose and be the fun time person that you only let come out once a year! Capricorns are wild because you have such deeply! rooted! control! issues! that doing scary, crazy stuff isn’t even frightening to you because you have already planned for every bad possible outcome. Aquarius (January 20-February 18) You’re having such a hard time picking out a costume because you want to be *different.* Does that include a shock factor? Of course. I support you wildin’ out on Halloween, like you do OFTEN. Dance on a table or two until you have to explain to a cute person why you chose to dress up as sexy Bill Clinton. Pisces (February 19-March 20) Ugh, Pisces, you just want to have someone to do a good couples costume with. If you’re in relationship, then you’re thriving! If you’re single, you’re wishing that you had someone to be the Vanessa to your Barry B. Benson or those cute kids in Moonrise Kingdom. That’s tough. Don’t worry! Grab your pals and make them be the Spice Girls or the Power Rangers with you!
6 Word Horror stories BY PAIGE KNIGHT
1. Your student loans were not approved 2. Your grade’s been posted on canvas
3. “Look, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.”
4. “Yeah, she doesn’t really like dogs.”
5. “I’m not gonna vote in November”
6. Logan Paul has 15 million subscribers (Tyler Knight) 7. It’s Sunday and you want Chik-Fil-A (Katie Barry) 8. The way our country treats women (Katie Barry) 9. “Mamma Mia 2 wasn’t that good” 10. “Oh yeah, I love 6ix9ine’s music”
The best candies of the season BY KENDRA COET FELMLY
1. Candy Corn I would eat candy corn year round, but not the fancy type that taste like caramel. I’m talking about the brand that you can only get at HEB that randomly has specialty flavors. I personally have three bags sitting in my pantry that may or may not be consumed by the end of the night. 2. The Caramel Apple Lollipops You can buy these year round, but who wants caramel apple lollipops in the middle of winter? (Me- but that’s another story). Finding the lollipop with the most caramel covering the green apple was the best. 3. Skittles True the original green flavor is missed, but they are still a great takeaway. 4: KitKats They break apart and are covered in chocolate. Pretty much a better version of Whoppers. (And if you live outside of the U.S these are the BEST candies every.) 5. Crunch Bars (Or any chocolate bar) It’s chocolate. Who doesn’t love chocolate? (Even those of us who can’t have dairy want to find some type of substitute.) 6, Heath Bars My parents would “inspect” our loot the night of Halloween, and no matter how many Heath Bars I brought home, by the morning they were all missing. 7. Nerds The candy that literally was sugar coats sugar that every child loves and every parent hated. Sugar rush anyone? 8. Starburst: :These were a form of currency, but only if you had the good flavors. Whenever someone brought these to a candy swap, you knew they meant business. 9. Reeses Sure you can buy this year round, but are the candies with pumpkin faces any other time? Or what about pumpkin shaped? 10. Tootsie Rolls The candy everyone dreads, but some secretly love. Any time you walked up to the door as a child, you knew you received the backup candy when the tootsie rolls came out.
Listen to our music: A B.Hooved Halloween To get you in the Halloween spirit, we created a playlist just for you. While some say you can only listen to this music at certain times of the year, why not listen to it year round? Find it on Spotify by searching for "A B.Hooved Halloween."
Songs on our playlist if you aren't familiar with Spotify (who doesn't have Spotify???): Thriller by Michael Jackson Monster Mash by Bobby "Boris" Pickett Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture Show Fairly Local by Twenty One Pilots Monster If You Were there, Beware by Arctic Monkeys Uprising by Muse Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes Heads Will Roll by Yeah Yeah Yeah Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps) by David Bowie Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran Ghost by Jaden Smith Bitch Better Have My Money by Rihanna Highway to Hell by AC/DC Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr. Stranger Things by Kyle Dixon & Michael Stein This is Halloween from The Nightmare Before Christmas Crazy=Genius by Panic! at the Disco Sinister Kid by The Black Keys Misery by Green Day Dead Hearts by Stars Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell Hotel California by the Eagles Magic Dance by David Bowie Weird Science by Oingo Boingo Spooky, Scary Skeletons by Andrew Gold I Put a Spell On You by Freak On a Leash (From "Hocus Pocus") Halloween Theme by Hohn Carpenter
10 Halloween movies BY HARRIS BAUMANN
10. Casper If you aren’t a big fan of scary movies but still want to get some Halloween spirit, this movie’s for you. After a paranormal scientist and his daughter move into a supposedly haunted house, they meet Casper the Friendly Ghost and try to find the secret of how he died. Though a bit nonsensical, it’s a fun movie to watch every once in awhile to pass the time. 4.1/8 Pumpkins 9. Halloweentown Another tame Halloween film, it's from the best provider of scary movies: Disney. A Disney Channel Original Movie, it tells the story of a suburban family who discover they are actually descendants of witches. The family follows their grandmother to a town filled with real-life monsters and ghouls. This is part of a series of 4 movies, and mixes things up by providing a different main actress for each film that plays the same character. 3.5/5 Skulls. 8. Beetlejuice A truly spoopy film, Beetlejuice tells the story of a ghostly couple who calls upon the poltergeist Beetlejuice to help scare humans out of their haunted home in his own Beetlejuice way. A truly spectacular movie; just make sure never to say Beetlejuice three times, or else you will call upon-oh wait… 3/4 Cries for Help. 7. Child’s Play Here is an occult classic. Better known as Chucky, a serial killer transfers his body into a children’s doll, which is then given to a boy by his mother. However, after the kid sees the doll come to life, he’s put into a mental ward after seeing it kill his babysitter. His mother must prove her son is not crazy and that this is no doll. A movie that has spawned a few B-movie sequels and given the idea for a popular video-game series, this is a movie you can tottaly toy around with. 15/20 Trick or Treaters. 6. Hocus Pocus Though it’s a movie I never really loved, it is great for kids, and adults can enjoy as well. Set up like a typical 90’s film, it shows the kid that is relatively attractive but picked on for being new stumble into a perilous situation he caused and has to fix. Oh, and there are witches. A nostalgic Disney film, it is enjoyable for the whole family. 2.9/4 Broomsticks. 5. It Towing the line between a silly or horrific film, It puts the howl in Halloween. It has everything: creepy clowns, creepy balloons, creepy spiders, creepy kids. A great story from the mind of Stephen King, if you want to be thoroughly creeped out while being WISE with your PENNYS, you’ll float this way too. 8/9 Candy Corns.
4. Final Destination Personally my favorite horror series out there, this is basically if you played Mouse Trap with the Grim Reaper, and if you lose you die. The movies have the same structure: A person has a vision that a disastrous event is about to happen, saves a handful of people, and now Death tries to get the souls that he was cheated out of. A thriller that keeps you on the edge of your seat, this is definitely a movie you need to watch this time of the year. 10.6/12 Ghosts. 3. Nightmare on Elm Street One of the creepiest films out there, this is the movie that will give you nightmares...ones you’ll hopefully wake up from. With one of the best villains in the horror genre out there and a totally unique story that has been ripped off countless times, this is the movie you will want to unsee. 5/6 Nightmares. 2. Nightmare Before Christmas For some reason this decent stop-motion film has gotten a cult following over the years, making it one of the most popular animated movies ever. Following the tale of a skeleton who grows tired of Halloween, he and his town try to kidnap Santa and take control of Christmas. I don’t really see what’s great about this film, but people say it's good so watch it I guess. 8.8/11 Overrated Halloween Movies. 1. Scream Coming in at the best Halloween movie out there, this film has everything a scary movie needs: idiotic teens, careless adults, and a deranged killer with a creepy voice. If you want to be scared this Halloween season and don’t know what to watch, this is the movie for you. 10/10 Creepy Masks.
The Rocky Horror Picture show is a no brainer, so it didn't need to be listed right?
Really Horror Movies? BY LOGAN HUGHES
Now, I used to be shit-my-pants, night-terrors scared of horror films--that was, until I actually started to enjoy having heart palpitations for entertainment . I’m definitely no film buff, let alone horror movie connoisseur, but now that a whole genre of entertainment has opened itself up to me, I have a few thoughts based on what I’ve caught up on. First of all, just as a blanket statement, the characters in these films are stupid. Just dumb af; walking into a dark, scary room because they heard a suspicious noise, following suspicious noises and apparitions into the pitchblack basement, trying to understand the demon or crazy person by appealing to their “good, humane side” as if these creatures--whatever or whoever they may be--have a good or sensitive side. Like, no bitch. You just watched several people that you know get brutally murdered, but, by all means, please, do your best impression of a crisis negotiator at the terrifying hell-demon/psycho killer. I think we all know this too well--they should just run. So many of the horror movie storylines would be unraveled so quick if the idiots that are being preyed upon just left. Oh, your new home that you thought was “such a great deal” for its size and your income that has an upstairs and basement, that has like six bathrooms and no toilets, that has your daughter’s new “imaginary” “friend” is haunted you say?? Well that’s a total shocker, did not see that one coming at all. Maybe you should just stick it out when creepy stuff starts going down, it’s not that dangero--no, Jeff, get your family in the car(minus the psycho child), and leave. Everyone is so dramatic about every little thing, and when shit starts going down that’s obviously supernatural or they got some sketch neighbors, they stay and do research or something until they know everything bad about said scary thing--foreshadowing their near future. And then they STILL STAY. I’m sorry, but such clearly sinister foreshadowing into what your very near future holds would make anyone with half a brain run for the hills or call 911. And that’s the thing, no one calls 911 or gets help before charging into battle. I do give credit to some of the newer horror movies that address exactly why these sheeple can’t save themselves like any normal human being would--they do a good job actually scaring you with real-life scenarios that just happen to be the perfect storm of scary for a scary movie. I’m not going to get into race and gender stereotypes because honestly what a poor reflection on our society. But, as a final note, let us not forget all the poor souls destined to die first for not having their defenses up; those who are skeptics, who are the dumbest, and those who just didn’t see it coming. If you’re going to take anything from this rant, let it be this: if you’re in a cliche horror movie, never let your guard down, because you never know when shit’s gonna go down.
Bring Back Pennywise BY TAYLOR ARNOLD
Growing up, my father instilled horror movies in our bonding moments. We were shown great movies like Sinister, Blair Witch Project, The Shining, Halloween, It, The Ring and several others that deserve rave. What ever happened to horror movies like that? Why do directors feel like cheap jump scares are the way to make our skin crawl? After growing up with the greats, it’s hard to get a gut wrenching scare anymore. Horror movies now revolve around the same group of white kids that can’t take a hint and all end up dead. I miss seeing new movies that had the same intensity and storyline as The Shining ~and~ Silence of the Lambs. These new horror cliche pieces of garbage should take a page out of Hannibal’s book and trash the corny narratives that are shitted out of the gutter.
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This Rad Zine is brought to you by Logan Hughes and Kendra Coet Felmly, Co-Editors in Chief Elizaveta Dovgish, Social and Digital Media Director Content Editors: Kristyn Garza, Paige Knight, and Bre Westry Staff Taylor Arnold Dylan Del Castillo Harris Baumann Samantha Josephine Cienfuegos Rebecca Harville Mallory Hicks Daniela Urda Gabriela Rendon Abby Bourgeois Special Thanks to: Tim Bruan Elizabeth Eakman