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Table of Contents Horoscopes 2-4 Area Woman’s Id 6-7 Beach trip essentials 8 What’s your spring break destiny? 12-13
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Horoscopes By: Mallory Hicks
Aries (March 21-April 19) Welcome to spring break, Aries. As we feed off of the lunar energy from the full moon from March 1st, you will be feeling even more extra than usual this spring break. Embrace your urge to dance on that table or take those body shots this week. Taurus (April 20-May 20) There are two types of Taurus; therefore, there are two different Taurus spring breaks. For some Taurians, your week will involve taking ecstasy underneath a table in a club you’ve never heard of that your Leo friend dragged you to. Alternatively, you’ll get really wild and end up rewriting your five-year plan into a seven year plan. Embrace your wild side, Taurus—whatever that may be. Gemini (May 21-June 20) We get it, Gemini, you over-committed yourself! Your severe FOMO has caused you to say yes to every person who’s asked you to hang out, so your schedule is packed. This break may not be a break for you, but at least you’re having a good time!
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Cancer (June 21-July 22) Are you feeling bolder this week, Cancer? If you make it down to the beach for spring break, fight the crowds of drunken alpha zeta lambda beta omegas to the safety of the ocean—your roots. If you cannot make it to the beach, your tears will feel reminiscent of what you’re missing. Leo (July 23-August 22) Leo! So you’re organizing the plans this week? Who put you in charge of that? It may be your brand to get wildly drunk and fight the first person to antagonize you, but you should fight that urge this week. Have a good time! Leave that shit for next week when mercury enters Aries. Virgo (August 23-September 22) You’re feeling your inner introvert, Virgo. Is it because you procrastinated on all of your work and need to catch up? Yeah, most likely. If you feel like you want to hole yourself up this week and work on all of your past assignments, follow your heart. But also, don’t spend the whole break watching Netflix. Libra (September 23-October 22) Whether you end up at the beach or skiing on the mountains, best be sure that you will be taking many photos either of your surroundings or of yourself, right Libra? Don’t forget to soak in the beauty around you when you’re not catfishing the internet! Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Spring break has you feeling so nostalgic, and no amount of locally-crafted draft beer will fix it. Get drunk with your people this week and replace the thought of That Person with your emo, drunken mistakes and badly written poetry! Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Where are you going for spring break? You HAVE to travel. You’ve been itching to leave this place since the beginning of the semester, so drop everything and embrace your spontaneous energy. I mean, like, going to the beach—not snorting cocaine off the body of a Libra. Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
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You’ve been so uptight lately, Capricorn. Forget about the paper that’s due in three weeks, and go get blackout drunk with an Aries who will probably force you to sing “Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon on stage at karaoke night. Aquarius (January 20-February 18) You have been WAITING for spring break, Aquarius. You’re not about to make the plans, so you’ve been waiting for someone to get the ball rolling. You’re down for anything as long as it involves some drinking and heartbreaking. You’ll probably make a Cancer cry this week. Pisces (February 19-March 20) How many times have you cried this week, Pisces? This is your season to thrive but you’ve been so caught up in your feelings, you may be forgetting to enjoy it! Cry tonight and get it out. Go out tomorrow and dance on a few tables like you’ve been wanting to.
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Area Woman’s Id Excited for Superego to go on Spring Break By: Hannah McKeating Claire was scrolling through a clothing website looking at bathing suits. She decided not to buy one and save her money. “Yeah, that’s how that usually goes,” Claire’s id says. “I have no power over this bitch. This superego of hers makes all the rules.” “Spring break is the only time other than New Year’s Eve that I get to have any fun,” said id. “This spring break while the superego is away, I’ve got a lot of stuff planned-- a lot of hedonistic stuff.” Claire, a 23-year-old from Austin, Texas, is a level-headed associate salesperson at Old Navy, and doesn’t like to take risks. For spring break, however, all bets are off. “There’s no time like spring break to convince ‘Good Girl’ Claire to spend all her money and bang a stranger in an alley. I truly believe this year I can convince her to get cornrows and take drugs-- the hard ones,” said the id. Claire’s superego loves to administer high doses of guilt whenever Claire does anything other than work, sleep, or study. Claire hasn’t had a trans fat in two years, but when spring break rolls around she annually stuffs her arteries full of garbage, although she refuses to acknowledge it. Although she considers herself a connoisseur of fashion, her id cannot wait to convince her to revel around South Padre Island in classic spring break attire. 8
“I’ll get her to buy a tank top that says something like ‘Mommy needs a drink,’ or ‘Gym, Tan, Laundry,’ but that’s only if I tell her to keep her clothes on,” said Claire’s id. Claire has prepared for her vacation for weeks in advance, desperate to let finally let loose. “I’m gonna make her forget to wear sunscreen. She’s going to have sand in every orifice and creavas of her body. It’s gonna be a salty, sandy scene from Sodom and Gomorrah.” Claire decides to buy the bathing suit anyways.
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Beach Trip Essentials
-Plan B -Beach towel -God complex -Sunscreen bottle filled with vodka -Sunscreen -Deli meats -Sunglasses -Summer’s Eve -Flip flops -Condoms -Health insurance
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Nicole “snooki” Polizzi, Jersey shore beach 2011
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