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Letter from thy Editors: Spring has, indeed, sprung. We shelter ourselves from the hideous weather and from the wonderfully dreadful way that life pranks us. Truthfully, it seems as though every day is April Fool’s Day when you’re an adult. Reality takes pleasure in kicking you in the nuts and sending you a bill for its time. April in Texas, as T.S. Eliot wrote in a totally unrelated poem called “The Wasteland,” is indeed “the cruelest month.” It starts with the supposedly fun April Fool’s Day, which originated as Pagan holiday celebrating the New Year. The Christians decided to start celebrating the New Year in January, and would pull hilarious pranks on the Pagans— such as lighting them on fucking fire—for not celebrating the Christian New Year. Thus the beloved follies of April Fool’s was borned. Today, we celebrate the Pagan new year by getting April Fooled in ways Orwell would be proud of. April seems to be reality’s pinnacle of performance. The middle of the month is federal income tax filing deadline; seriously, could adulting sound worse? And it ends with the solid assurance that six months of blast-furnace-level heat stretches out ahead of you like Purgatory with face sweat. Our flora and fauna feature malarial clouds of mosquitoes, winged roaches the size of cigars, and hostile plant life with stinging spines and itchy pollen. So, yay. Welcome spring. Again. Enjoy about ten more seconds of reasonable weather while you read our April Fooleth issue. Sincerely, The editors.
Table of Contents: Horoscopes...4 Best Prank Award...8 St. Edward’s Pulls Hilarious Prank...9 The Biggest L’s you’ve ever Taken...10 Sudoku Puzzle...12 Let’s Prank Congress!...15 3
Horoscopes By: Mallory Hicks
Aries (March 21-April 19) It’s been almost two weeks since we’ve moved into Aries season, and I hope that you are thriving. Be careful though! Mercury is in retrograde, which means you will have to fight the urge to cuss out every pedestrian that walks in the vicinity of your car, whoever cut you in line at Starbucks, and that coworker that made eye contact. Fighting someone on site is one of your strengths, but you have to pick and choose your battles.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You’re too afraid to fail, Taurus. You’re not embracing the L’s that come into your life because you’re too busy trying to prevent them from happening. You wouldn’t have to work so hard if you didn’t wait to the last minute to do EVERYTHING. Your patience is being tested during Aries season, so remember that the next time a Gemini won’t stop talking to you about a pseudo-science that you’re POSITIVE isn’t real. You’re slow to anger until all of a sudden you’ve blacked out and made an entire room of people cry at once. Don’t take the L that comes with the anger of Aries season.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Mercury is your ruling planet, Gemini, so the retrograde isn’t always a negative experience. You’re more scattered than normal, forgetting everything, and not thinking things through. Did you turn in that midterm assignment worth 85% of your grade last night? No, you didn’t but at least you stayed up all
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night talking to a Pisces, right? Taking one L in one area often means gaining a W somewhere else. Since retrograde is happening during Aries season, you’re SUPER energized, so hold off on the Redbull and vodka cocktail that’s been getting you through the semester.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Cancer, you take a lot of L’s. You’re probably even the self-proclaimed L-taker. You give that title to yourself; it is not given to you. Aries season is about owning what’s yours and not giving a rat’s ass what other people are doing. Additionally, you’re still thriving off energy from the Libra full moon on Friday. Instead of crying over your own misfortunes, give someone else an L and watch them cry for a change, while you dance to 80s music with a Libra.
Leo (July 23-August 22) Poor Leo. The Scorpio moon from Sunday to Tuesday really had you sad about the romantic L’s you’ve taken. It’s okay to feel a little sad. However, just because they knew how to dress, complimented you all the time, and drank you under the table, does not mean they were the one that got away. There are other fish in the sea, Leo. Channel the energy of the Aries sun to shine brightly in your workplace, rather than fighting your ex’s new significant other in the ATX Mart parking lot.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) You’re oftentimes supportive of the wrong people or the wrong things, Virgo. And who gets scammed at the end of the day? YOU! Don’t let this week get the best of you! Mercury is your reigning planet, just like the Gemini. While the Gemini thrives in the chaos, you laugh nervously and pretend you’re fine like any other classic introvert at a party. Mercury is working more in your favor more than you know. Don’t worry and find some solstice in a Gemini, who embraces the chaos and things that can’t be controlled.
Libra (September 23-October 22) It is your sister-sign season, Libra. Everything cannot be perfect all the time, so you’re certainly taking that L. You thrive on patience and balance, but the fire of the season surrounds you. It is good to let go sometimes. Don’t put a filter on that Instagram post. It’s never too late to post more spring break pictures. Did you post a whole album on Facebook yet? Did your crush like them? If not, definitely use this time to catfish them while the power of the Aries compels you.
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Scorpio (October 23-November 21) You’re a guarded one, Scorpio. Underneath, you’re an emotional mess, but you put up an argumentative, feisty spirit front. The Aries season and Mercury in retrograde will feed that feisty energy. So you will definitely be getting into some drunken debates about existential crises and/or whether pineapple belongs on pizza. I cannot tell you whether or not you’ll take an L or W on either of those arguments, but someone will definitely walk away crying.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Congrats, Sagittarius! You’re feeling focused for the first time in months! That sounds like a W, but if you don’t pay attention, you’ll harness that energy towards something unproductive. Think about your school work, job, and relationships before you decide to take up something less productive, like figuring out how bitcoins work, origami, or The Great British Baking Show on Netflix.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Are you feelin’ wild, Capricorn? The retrograde has you feeling all kinds of ways, I’m sure. You never let yourself take an L. Ever. Capricorn L’s are oftentimes any other sign’s W. Embrace the L this week. Skip class to lay in the grass, because you haven’t skipped class once yet. Tell that person you like, “hi,” because you’ve been thinking about it for literal months. TAKE THAT W!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Aquarius, you low-key love to take an L. Since you test fate all the time, L’s remind you that you are, in fact, human. So is an L really an L for you? Do you really regret getting blackout drunk and waking up in the bathtub of that person you sit next to in that random CULF class? It makes for a good story and another notch in your “good times” belt. If there’s a week to take an L, this week is the one to go hard or go home.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) Pisces, let’s be honest. Pisces season was trash. Everyone was taking L’s during Pisces season. Reflection on past mistakes, emotional nostalgia, and what could have been? Hard pass. You probably were suffering more than any of us, being in a dreamy funk and all. Enjoy Aries season and the emotional relief that comes with it. You need a W for ONCE, as do all of us for God’s sake.
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St. Edward’s Pulls Hilarious Prank by Admitting Literally Just Anybody at This Point By: Daniel Collins In light of the University’s staunch drop in attendants and applicants, the St. Edward’s Admission Office decided on Monday to offer fully-paid enrollment to fellow Omni hotel guests as they continue to share housing space with St. Edward’s students. “Might as well,” they said as they slipped letters of acceptance under the foot of each door. Some pamphlets were even cleverly placed on room service trays as they were delivered to guests. “This will definitely work,” one rep was overheard saying on a Chariot ride back to the school. There was also a public announcement from the Admission Office stating that enrollment would be extended to “literally just anybody at this point.” When asked about the current deterrents of potential students, the office replied it had “no idea” as to why students strayed from enrolling. “I mean it’s a beautiful campus! We’ve got all the aesthetic of a prestigious university. We’ve got trees and red doors and a chapel and a seal and did I mention the Red Doors?” noted a St. Ed’s ambassador as they stood facing away from the neglected skeleton of a building intended to be the Pavilions. The office said they plan on making “big moves” to up the allure of campus. One consideration brought up was offering a free jelly donut to be sent along with any letter of acceptance. Another was to place signs stating “Just don’t look at it” along the 15 construction sites within campus. One adjunct professor scheduled for questioning was unfortunately liquidated before comment. 9
The Biggest L’s W
We Asked for the Biggest L Yo Here are the Best L’s Life ha “ One time I was at a book signing by one of my favorite authors. While our conversation was borderline uncomfortable at best, what I hadn’t realized was that my shirt had come unbuttoned from the bottom. Basically, Jonathan Safran Foer was staring directly into the eye of my belly button for the duration of the book signing. The fact that he was sitting at a table and I was standing up—making him eye-level with my gut—didn’t help either. Jonathan ended up signing my book, ‘Well, thanks. JSF’” “When Eric Andre came to town a few years ago, I went to his show. I was absolutely wasted, so I decided to wait outside of the venue for Eric Andre to come out so I could scream “Eric I love you!” from the sidewalk. As he was walking out of the venue and before I could say anything, I tripped over a street sign and face planted in the bike lane on the road. I chipped my tooth, my mouth was bleeding, my elbows, chin, and knees were bleeding... A man on the street had seen me fall and tried to see if I was ok, but my friend (whomst was also plastered) screamed, ‘Go home, ugly! She’s fine.’” “I got broken up with and got in a car accident in the same day.” “The first time I smoked weed, I told my best friend that I was in love with him in his car as he was driving me home. He said he’d never thought of me like that and now we don’t talk!” 10
We’ve Ever Taken:
ou’ve Taken, and We have Heard. as Collectively Pranked Us with. “I shit my pants at a high school pep rally. Won the pep rally game with chipotle cemented in my ass cheeks. This is actually a big ol’ W.” “I Got drunk at a Spoon concert and got kicked out of Stubb’s forever. I threw a fit and tried to declare diplomatic immunity. My favorite professor was there and saw the whole thing.” “1. Got wasted on 6th 2. Got in someone else’s Uber 3.Barfed in said Uber 4. Pulled into gas station to take out cash to pay driver 5.Was too drunk to get my wallet out of my purse, so I made the gas station attendant dig through my bag and told him the pin number 6. Vomitted in Uber... again” “I peed my pants while playing truth or dare at my 16th birthday (I pee when I laugh too hard) and my truth was “When was the last time you peed your pants?” -nice :( “
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Fun Sudoku Puzzle!
See answers on page 14!
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“Ladies play hilarious prank on useless bf, Jerry.” Oil on Canvas
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Sudoku Answers:
It’s imposible to solve. April Fool’s Mother Fuckers!
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