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Letter from the Editor Things New Students Should Know Dear Aunt Vodka The Signs As... The Funeral of my GPA The Meme Graveyard Stoner Reviews: Ghost Adventures Roommate Horror Stories: Just Because You're Will Does Not Mean There's a Way What They Don't Tell You about Tinder Periods Explained By Social Media Staff and Special Thanks
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Hello guys, gals, and nonbinary pals, Many of you may never have heard about our ragtag zine. It’s been a struggle getting this thing of the ground, and I mean a real struggle, y’all. But today’s the day! Our year is here! We are no longer the publication that you can wipe your ass with--if you want that then check out the steaming pile of garbage that is a tabloid magazine (I mean it is cheaper than toilet paper). Anyway, this year we have a brilliant new staff focusing on re-building from the ground up. In this month's issue you'll find sincere welcome back articles specifically aimed to keep on trucking for that 4.0, but, of course, we both know Cs get degrees and that's probably what you're already telling yourself at a Red Bull and Turbo fueled 3am cram session for that anatomy test tomorrow. This zine also contains some other bits and bobs.
Co-Editor in Chief and Head Bitch in Charge, Logan
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BY TAYLOR ARNOLD
Dear Freshman and Newbies to Austin, First, I would like to welcome you to south Texas, or as I call it, Satan’s Ass Crack. If you haven't melted from the heat yet, I have some wonderful suggestions to help with the baking sun as well as places to go, see, pet dogs and more: -Amy’s Ice Cream on South Congress -Literally walking down South Congress is a treat in itself -Barton Springs -Paddle Boarding on Lady Bird Lake -Home Slice Pizza -Congress Bridge -Voodoo Donuts -Zilker Park -Southside Pizza (They take Topper Tender!!!) -Lucky Lab Cafe for some puppy love -Mt. Bonnel -360 Bridge I hope you all make use of these places and things to do! It can feel overwhelming moving to a new city and a new school, so be kind to yourself and enjoy your time here!
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Dear Vodka Aunt, My GPA is going into the garbage this early into the semester. What am I doing wrong, and what advice do you have? I’m begging you, TrashyGrades.
Dear TrashyGrades, Oh honey, we both know I’ve been right where you are. Don’t you worry, I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve to get that GPA up. Here’s what I did to get through college. 1) Party as much as possible. A happy student is a good student, and nothing will make you happy like a good party. 2) But when do you do school work if you party all the time? Leave a day (or maybe two, but that’s pushing it) per week to cram in all of that pesky homework. With a strict regimen of caffeine and Adderall, you won’t have any issues knocking out all of your work for the week in the span of 24 hours. There’s no need for you to do schoolwork every single day like some fucking nerd. The best cure for stress: alcohol. I’ll admit, my one-day-a-week caffeine and Adderall-fueled school work bender isn’t exactly what one would call “fool proof.” Don’t be afraid to dip into your liquor supply if you find you’re feeling a little high strung. Like I always say, there’s no problem vodka can’t solve. 3) Class isn’t mandatory. It’s gonna be tough to get to every single class, what with all the fun you’ll be getting up to. Don’t worry, most professors aren’t gonna care if you take a few classes off here and there. After all, your happiness is the most important thing. I’d say just try to make it to a solid 30% of your classes and you’ll be golden. 4) If you follow all of these tips, your GPA is sure to skyrocket. I came really close to graduating college before I decided to drop out and start my homemade jewelry business, so you know you’re always in good hands when you come to me. Have a great semester and keep me updated on all the hot gossip! You can do this, Vodka Aunt
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Whoever babbled the line, “syllabus week means your professors won’t assign any major assignments” was full of shit. I was a victim of believing this lie. I showed up to the Hilltop foolishly believing my professors would spend class time rambling about their personal bullshit while the room would “discretely” be lit with the dim light of cellphones. Now I know by the end of the week there will be projects in the works and some kind of understanding of how the class setup will play out. I wouldn’t even question if said projects were due the following week. However, one of my professors actually had a whole-ass presentation due THE SECOND DAY OF CLASS! This man does not have “syllabus week” in his vocabulary. I was floored, to say the least. Every class was a rollercoaster of confusion and realization that my parents would need to pay for a coffin rather than an education by the end of the week. Of course, the homework was already tight knit and I felt like I was three weeks in as opposed to day two. For the newbies on the Hilltop, please mentally prepare yourself for the funeral of your GPA within week one. It’s all uphill from there.
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By Harris
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What Does The Fox Say
Minions
Gangnam Style
The “What Does the Fox Say” meme died around 4 years ago. It came into our lives on September 3, 2013, born from the Norwegian band Ylvis, becoming viral in under a week. The song brought joy into our lives by horrifying us with close-up shots of people in animal costumes and making our ears bleed with a cacophony of sounds.. On October 5, 2018 at 12:00 PM, in honor of its memory, I ask those to shout out a solemn “ring-dingding-ding-dingeringeding!”
The Minions died on July 10, 2010. The meme came into our lives on July 9, 2010, born from the Steve Carell movie Despicable Me, becoming a thing for a roughly 12 hours before people realized how annoying they were. They are lived on by the unexplained movie sequels and spin-offs centered around these yellow cold sores and posts seen on your grandmother’s Facebook page. On October 12, 2018 at 2:30 PM, in honor of its memory, I ask those to shout out a solemn “Banana!”
The song “Gangnam Style” died around April 2013. It was born on July 15, 2012 from the Korean pop star Par Jae Sung AKA PSY, gaining over a billion views by the end of the year. It is lived on by people who still can’t get this song out of their head (like me...please send help). On October 19, 2018 at 9:00 PM, in honor of its memory, I ask those to shout out a solemn “Oppa!”
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t T y D ’t T l Y A u T d BY DANIELA URDA
When fifty percent of boys in your school are in a relationship, forty percent are gay, and the last ten percent are douchebags, your only escape is tinder. Last semester I decided that I wanted to open a tinder. I asked my friend Megan to help me since she already had one. To create an account, you have to link your Facebook (if you still have one) or add your number (hello stalkers). Going through your trillion unseen selfies, pick out three to four pictures that don’t show you on a normal basis. If you show just your face, you’re too conceited. But if you show only your body, then you’re a hoe (bitch I might be). And there has to be at least one action shot of you laughing like Marilyn Monroe. Your bio, as dreadful as the “please introduce yourself to the class” bit, needs to speak volumes about your personality in under 50 words. Now let’s go into the interesting parts of tinder. What are you going to find? There’s always an okay guy with a cute dog, the dog’s the reason you swipe right. There’s always a womanizing male that has “loyal” in his bio. Then there’s the Uber Driver who has more pictures of his car then himself. And last but not least, there’s that one group photo that gives no hint to who owns the tinder (FYI, it’s probably the ugly one). Helpful Hints: the cute ones are always fake (I would know because I reverse searched one of my matches and they were a Canadian actor). One-picture profiles are also fake.
Happy Hunting!
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T S n A ... r i d J 's s c BY MALLORY HICKS
A new school year means a new meal plan...well, not for you, but for the underclassmen that you’ll be mooching off of. We all know that Jo’s charges us too much, so pick your poison based on your astrological sign! Aries (March 21-April 19): The Green Salsa for Jo’s Breakfast Tacos Like this salsa, Aries, you’re spicy and always ready to give us a good kick. However, whether you’re a black bean and cheese or a migas person, people are still left wanting more. Should I spend this much on a taco that cost, like, $0.73 to make? Sure, because, like the Aries, that taco and salsa will always be a good time. Taurus (April 20-May 21): Macro Bars Taurus, you’re of the earth, so it’s only fitting that you’re a snack that also tastes like dirt. Macro bars are healthy and practical just like you! A Taurus definitely invented these bars because they ~taste~ like you made the right decision nutritionally, but you definitely would have been happier getting the vegan chocolate muffin. That being said, just as we rely on the macro bar to keep us full, we rely on the Taurus to be steadfast and predictable. Gemini (May 22-June 20): Kombucha Like Peter Kavinsky, who doesn’t love a good kombucha? Gemini, you are kombucha because you’re bubbly, bright, light, and we’re also not a hundred percent sure that we like it, but we know that other people do so it has to be good, right? Geminis are all about the trend which right now is certainly the ‘buch. The Gemini is all about a good brand and looking good, and nothing says, “I think I’m a health bitch because I’m drinking a kombucha.” Cancer (June 21-July 22): Topo Chico We all love a Cancer. They’re cold and standoffish but they still make us feel good, just like\ Topo Chico. The Cancer is Queen of The Water Signs™ which is fitting because the population of steds consumes more Topo Chico than actual water in the name of #hydration. Cancer is the crab which is even more parallel to the added sodium and minerals that are in a refreshing bottle of Topo. Salt and water? That has the petty Cancer written all over it. Leo (July 23- August 22): Jo’s Wine Box The people most likely scammed into buying an overpriced box of HEB cheese would most CERTAINLY be a Leo because these boxes are as bougie as they are. Nothing says “extra” like a) Leos and b) a grown up lunchable that you have to mortgage your house to afford. Virgo (August 23-September 22): Cauliflower Puffs These cauliflower puffs are just lies that we buy into because we’re tricking ourselves into thinking they’re a delicious, fun cheese puff, when really they’re kinda weird and dry. Don’t worry, Virgo, the cauliflower puffs also have an earthy aftertaste that you too bring to the table! They’re the practical choice for any health nut and we love you for that.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Those Fancy “Relatable” Cookies That Taste Like Sand I’m not saying that you taste like sand, Libra, but there is nothing more vain and beautiful in the Jo’s Coffee shop than these cookies and we KNOW that vain and beautiful is your brand. Just like it must take 78 hours to complete ONE design on one of these cookies, it takes you just as long to think of an Instagram caption to match your *aesthetique*. Because let’s be honest, nothing says ~aesthetic~ like a Libra….or one of these cookies. Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Vegan Jerky The Scorpio is one of the most shit on signs of the zodiac because of their perceived problematic tendencies (control issues, manipulation, broodiness etc.). Listen, we need the Scorpio just as much as any sign, but that doesn’t negate the trash that they are, just like vegan fucking jerky. Do we need it? Do we like it? It’s a mixed bag, just like the opinions about our dear Scorpios. If you don’t want the vegan jerky, Chad, go check out the Taurus macro bars because emotional depth scares you. Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): A Turbo Often like the Sag’s actions, the turbo makes me question, “Who let this happen?” The turbo will have you jiving around like you’re on crack cocaine, something that comes naturally to our energizer bunny of the zodiac. The turbo is delicious, sweet, conceptually insane, much like our friend the Sagittarius. You’re paying $4 to drink battery acid, but hey, the Sagittarians are risk takers and always out here ready to have a good ass time, which is guaranteed by the turbo. Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Any of the Sandwiches that We Know We Could Make at Home Shame. These sandwiches make us shameful. The Capricorn is dry and cold, like Jo’s sandwiches, and reminds us that we should have thought ahead like they did and brought our own lunch or at least went to Rags to buy a HOT sandwich. Does the Capricorn do so themselves? No, but they expected YOU to do so. Just as the sandwiches in the Jo’s refrigerator mock us for stooping so low as to buying them, the Capricorn also is judging you. Aquarius (January 20-February 18): ~Sparkling~ Yerba The Aquarius is the epitome of “I’m different, yeah, I’m different,” which is certainly every StEds student walking around with a Sparkling Yerba in hand that has as much caffeine as a coffee, but cost twice as much. The Aquarius is an air sign, which is fun and bubbly--like a good yerb--but will keep you awake like the existential questions that keep up the Aquarius. Pisces (February 19-March 20): Vegan Chocolate Muffin Let’s get this straight right here, kids. The vegan chocolate muffin is 1000% NOT healthy and has SCAMMED you into thinking so by slapping on the vegan label. THAT MUFFIN IS A CUPCAKE. A CUPCAKE WITHOUT ICING. STOP LYING TO YOURSELVES. Who else is a walking contradiction? Our good friend, the Pisces. Pisces, you are the chocolate muffin because it represents all of our guilty pleasures just like you. You both are soft, sweet, and feed into self-deprecation.
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A Sober Preface: What you are about to read are the musings of me and my friend (who has requested to be called Hugh Jass) crazy on the Devil’s Lettuce on the show Ghost Adventures. If you have yet to discover this wonderous show, do yourself a favor and get on that.
The show began with its standard: Zak Bagans tells the audience of hauntings from this ancient house. He tells us, “We want answers.” But ~spoiler~ they never come away with any answers. Zak goes on to tell us how he wants to help the owners. He does this by recklessly disturbing demons and ghosts and ghouls and shit. Like that’s ghost hunting 101: Don’t Taunt the Spirits. According to Zak, every wild west boom town is haunted. I can neither confirm nor deny this. We became very distracted by the people in this episode. There was a woman dressed like a cross between Jack Sparrow and a Pilgrim, wearing six shawls and a shit ton of turquoise necklaces. Zak talks to this woman about a super spooky apparition she saw. “I can see you’re holding something there in your hand that is really catching my...attention.” I am cackling. Just the way he speaks. Just picture the epitome of an edgy 2009 douche bag. At one point he even offered this guy $200 cash for a haunted desk, and you can clearly see he has a fat stack of hundies in his wallet. Anyway, he says he sees a long-haired woman in a white dress floating down the hall--classic. Hugh Jass’ expert opinion is that he sees a moth. Another thing--the only truly scary parts of this show are the creepy-ass b-roll they shoot creepy people looking like The Grunge and the horror movie music. At one point I’m convinced they swept together a bunch of dead bees and put them on the windowsill for a shot.
Of course, the investigation can only begin at sundown. Zak is wearing his special industrial grade breathing mask that no one else is wearing. He says he’s allergic to dust or some shit but bitch, “everyone’s allergic to dust,” Hugh Jass points out. Then the EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) sessions begins --this shit made me properly cry. I was too high, I was stressed, my chest was hurting. Again Hugh Jass offers his expert advice to us saying, “that just means you need to smoke more.” First of all, Zac always sends someone into the scariest places alone without lights. They make him investigate the basement of this haunted hotel where there is supposedly a little girl who talks to people. Just so you know, demons are often said to present themselves as kids or innocent/helpless kinds of people to get you to trust them. After getting an EVP that whispers demon, Zak demands to know why, if it’s a demon, just whisper? Why not--oh, I don’t know--just yeLL DEMON!? He is out of his mind, provoking a potential demon like that. Then out comes the SP7 Spirit Box. That’s just loud and annoying. Imagine turning on your car, the volume is all the way up on a static channel. They do it in this dude’s office which is kind of lame after starting with the so-called “pitch dark” basement. “Who dies and decides to haunt their own office?” Hugh Jass asks? Well he literally had unfinished business. By far their weakest evidence are their “Ball of Light Phenomena,” where they show you a shot of a little orb of light flying across the screen and they “debunk this as not being an insect or dust.” And everytime they show any evidence they play it over and over, at least three times each. At least. Oh, and then the episode just kind of--ends. It just stops right when it gets somewhat interesting. Thanks Zak, what would we do without you.
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WE ALL HAVE OR HAD THOSE ROOMMATES, MAYBE WE HAVE BEEN EVEN THEM. EVERYONE HAS SOME SORT OF ROOMMATE STORY TO TELL, AND SO WE’RE HERE TO TELL IT. FOR OUR PURPOSES ALL ROOMMATE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED.
The night started like most Saturday nights when you’re living with 21+ aged people with a Chambong. My older roommates pregamed while I prepared to study for a test. They were already drunk by the time Sauce’s two cats and I settled down to study. I didn’t climb into bed until after midnight, knowing that in a few hours my roommates would stumble in drunk trying to get in with the hidden spare key, whispering to keep quiet since I was obviously asleep. I prayed that another random, yet not so random, person would show up in one of their beds the next morning and introduce themselves as a longtime friend. But none of this was what woke me that night. Instead, what woke me was the sound of someone knocking on my window and pounding on our front door. At first I thought it was our annoying neighbors below us- I wish it was. “Z, it’s me Will. Please let me in I need to talk with Sauce.” I shot up from my sleepy haze. The cats ran wild around my room until both of them decided to climb through the blinds to see who was knocking. I waited a few minutes for another knock; this time he begged for a place to sleep. That night, Will was specifically told not to come over or try to hang out with Sauce. Everyone could tell that he was creepily into her, but she was decidedly not. By the time I comprehended what was happening, the cats ran away from my window and I ran out of my bedroom. Sauce’s light was on, and even if she was drunk she could deal with Will. The cats were crying for their owner, but I assume that they were just hungry as always. I expected her to be naked already since that was her usual routine when she was drunk. The moment she got home, her clothes came off. When I knocked, I thought I would find her in bed, but instead I found Max with the sheets draped over his naked body and Sauce walking naked out of her bathroom.
She hid herself behind her bedroom door as I whispered that Will was outside. “Just lock it and go to bed,” she replied, then shut her door in my face. I rolled my eyes and went back to my room for a few more minutes as the banging increased in power. As he grew louder, Sauce ran into my room- still naked- and asked me what was happening again. “Where’s Sunni?” I whispered as we walked out of my room. Sauce shrugged her shoulders. Little did we know Sunni was already asleep in her own room. Both Sauce and I rushed to the door to deadbolt it as we heard the mat being lifted from the ground. Sauce went back to bed, and I tried to do the same. I remained in my bed for the next few hours. Every thirty minutes I would hear the knocking start again, and then he would slump down next to our front door. I expected to wake up to a sleeping body at our door, or the police taking Will away. “I promise to sleep on the couch!” A final plea called at 3:30am. But we already knew he wouldn’t stay put on the couch. I could just imagine the altercation between Max and Will. Will would try to climb into bed with Sauce only to come face-to-face with Max. In a matter of hours, he would claim he was too drunk to function. That his phone died at 2am, yet he started banging on my window at 1:45am and called Sauce at 2:30am. He claimed he ran from downtown to our apartment and remembered our gate code. He claimed that he didn’t think the What-A-Burger was open and there was no way someone would let him charge his phone. One would think that after thirty minutes and a louder noise machine on, he would stop. But no. He only continued for four more hours. In my exhaustion, I didn’t think to call the cops. In the end my solution to get sleep was to pull my duvet and pillows into the bathroom and sleep on the floor. He finally left after 6am. Everyone else woke up an hour later. I managed to get two hours of solid sleep before Sunni, in her typical fashion, shouted through the house until I woke up. She wanted to know the whole story, and Sauce, now hungover, told me about all the texts she received. Max sat in bed, laughing and telling us he should have dealt with Will. I haven’t seen Will since.
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By Sammy Josephine Cienfuegos
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Wanna-be Nun: “Periods are God’s vengeance on us. The Curse of Eve comes every month, and we must endure the pain it brings.. We must pay for our ancestor’s sins and endure painful childbirth. Periods are a reflection of Jesus dying on the cross for us. We must all carry our cross, and this is ours.” Self-Proclaimed Male Feminist: “Periods are so beautiful,” he said as he wiped away a few tears. “I just love women so much. Periods are a sign of fertility, and they show how powerful a woman really is. Periods bring life. Periods are beautiful. Screw the pads! Screw the tampons! Bleed, my sisters. You are all so beautiful. It’s just so hard to be a male feminist. I love women. I really do! Oh, you don’t believe me? Well, get your disgusting bleeding vagina away from me, you whore!” Biology Student: “As a STEM major, I know lots about the human body. Your period is the monthly shedding of your uterine lining. Everyone has a different flow, but you should be mindful of how heavy it is. An extremely heavy flow is not normal. Another thing you should be looking out for while on your period is intense pain during bowel movements, as this can be a sign of endometriosis. You know your body more than anyone else, but you should be keeping in touch with your gynecologist. Is that all? I have to go perform open-heart surgery on a couple of starving children in Guatemala and simultaneously hold meetings for all 43 of my student orgs.” Trans Man: “I’ve identified as a man ever since I was a little boy, but that didn’t stop my monthly cycle. It was really hard for me, and invalidated who I am. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, and didn’t know who to talk about this with. Once I started my hormone therapy, my period came to a complete stop after just a couple of months. I still get the occasional period symptoms, but I’m a lot happier now than I was before. For anyone going through what I went through, know that it is normal and it’s okay to not feel like yourself. Women aren’t the only people who get their periods.” A Woman: “They suck. Period.”
Birds with Arms Yeah, I know. It's fucking weird but it also makes me feel alive.
You see this bitch? Caw Caw, Mother fuckers
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
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H a v e somethi n g t o a s k V o dk a A u n t ? L i k e w h a t y o u s e e and w a n t to know m o r e ? C o n t a c t u s .
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This Rad Zine is brought to you by Logan Hughes and Kendra Felmly, Co-Editors in Chief Elizaveta Dovgish, Social and Digital Media Director Content Editors: Kristyn Garza, Paige Knight, and Bre Westry Staff Taylor Arnold Harris Baumann Samantha Josephine Cienfuegos Rebecca Harville Mallory Hicks Daniela Urda Special Thanks to: Tim Bruan Elizabeth Eakman Monkey See Monkey Do for their donation