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Mental Health Corner
THE BALTIMORE JEWISH HOME
MARCH 18, 2021
The First Year of Marriage By Rabbi Azriel Hauptman
The Torah teaches us (Devarim 24, 5), “When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army or be assigned to it for any purpose. He shall be exempt one year for the sake of his household to give happiness to the woman he has married.” Many commentators derive from this Mitzvah a general obligation on a man to stay home during the first year of marriage and not travel without his wife for business or other purposes. There
are many ways that newlywed couples benefit from this directive, and in this article we will focus on one of those benefits, which is learning how to live with the unavoidable disappointment that results from dashed expectations. A psychological concept that relates to this topic is disappointment theory. Disappointment is an emotion that one feels when one’s expectations do not materialize. This theory states that disappointment is felt most acute-
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ly when the following conditions are met: • One is in a situation with an uncertain outcome. • There were high hopes for a positive outcome. • The individual felt that he deserved a positive outcome. • It was a surprise that the expected outcome did not materialize. • The outcome was not a result of his personal actions. These factors almost always play themselves out in the inevitable dashed expectations that occur during the first year of marriage. One gets married with high hopes for the bliss that will follow, however without any real certainty. One feels that he deserves the positive outcome based on their assumptions of the role of each spouse in a marriage. The dashed expectations were a complete surprise, and the “negative” outcome was not the result of one’s personal actions (since all marriages have dashed expectations). For the purpose of illustration, here is an example. Rachel came from a family where her father payed the bills, mowed the lawn, and did all the grocery shopping. Additionally, her father would make her mother breakfast every Sunday morning. Furthermore, her parents always went to shul together on Shabbos morning. Rachel married a fellow who came from a family that had none of these “traditions”. Her husband expected her to do the shopping (“How should I know what to buy?”), to pay the bills (“After all, you spend the money!”), and that the lawn should be mowed by a landscaping company. He fully intended to daven at the early minyan on Shabbos morning and had no idea that he was doing anything
wrong. He certainly did not plan on making breakfast on Sunday morning as he had no idea how to even turn on the flame on the stovetop! Rachel experienced deep disappointment, despite the fact that she fully understood that expecting her husband to be a clone of her father is unrealistic. This is because disappointment is an emotion, and emotions tend to be based on our subconscious thoughts and beliefs. In Rachel’s situation, growing up with a specific model of marriage seared into her brain the expectation that her marriage would operate the same way. When it did not, the emotion of disappointment was inevitable. A sure-fire way to perpetuate negative emotions is to engage in the three A’s. Avoidance, avoidance, avoidance! When one avoids negative emotions, one cannot develop the wisdom and skills to move past and process those emotions. When one marries and is faced with the inevitable disappointment that follows, the easiest way to deal with it is to avoid it, which only makes the problem worse. By following the directive of staying home during the first year of marriage, the couple is forced to confront their unexpected negative emotions, process them, and grow from them. The result is a married couple that has realistic expectations, understands each other, and respects each other’s differences. This is a service of Relief Resources. Relief is an organization that provides mental health referrals, education, and support to the frum community. Rabbi Yisrael Slansky is director of the Baltimore branch of Relief. He can be contacted at 410-448-8356 or at yslansky@reliefhelp.org
