BINGHAMTON REVIEW Editor-in-Chief Contents
P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Founded 1987 • Volume XXXIV, Issue XI Matt Gagliano
Managing Editor Madeline Perez Copy Desk Chief Joe Badalamenti
Business Manager Dillon O’Toole
Social Media Shitposter Arthur O’Sullivan
Editor Emeriti
Jake Schweitzer Tommy Gagliano Patrick McAuliffe
Staff Writers
Charles Forman Siddharth Gundapaneni Evelyn Medina Shayne O’Loughlin
Contributors
Chad Largepenis
Special Thanks To:
Intercollegiate Studies Institute Collegiate Network
CON JOB: THE GOVERNMENT AND HEALTHCARE
PAGE 8 3 4 6 7 9 10 12 14 15
by Shayne O’Loughlin
Editorial by Matt Gagliano Press Watch by Our Staff Advice Column by Madeline and Dillon Top 5 Reasons We Need To Ban Sex by Madeline Perez The Seed Oil Hypothesis by Joe Badalamenti Disney College Program: Is It Worth It? by Tommy Gagliano Tom Bombadil: Tolkien and Conservative Environmentalism by Arthur O’Sullivan Marx Was Right by Patrick McAuliffe How To Become a Sigma Male by Chad Largepenis
Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth. He Provides the Staples
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct feedback to editor@binghamtonreview.com 2
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Vol. XXXIV, Issue XI
EDITORIAL Dear Readers,
From the Editor
W
e’re baaaaaaaaack! What, you didn’t actually believe that “we’re retiring” business in the last issue, did you? You fool, don’t you know that everything you say on April Fool’s Day should be interpreted as a joke? Like when I said the last issue was “completely serious,” or that Gatt Magliano had a “giant penis,” or when the doctors told me that “my dad died in a car crash.” Pfft, anyway, unlike the last issue, this one is completely serious. Well, as serious as Binghamton Review normally is, anyway. As this is a serious issue of Binghamton Review, we have serious articles, and serious hot takes. One such example of this is Madeline Perez’s “Top 5 Reasons We Need To Ban Sex” on page 7. As you can probably tell from the title, she is discussing why we should get rid of the act known as “sex,” something of which I, as well as everyone else here at Binghamton Review, am very familiar with. As this is an act that I, as well as everyone else here at Binghamton Review, do quite often, I do not agree that we should ban it. However, since this is the free speech paper, I have to publish this piss-poor opinion anyway. You see, the fact that I said “piss” is a sly reference to sex, which is something that I, as well as everyone else here at Binghamton Review, do often, in case you forgot. Wait, huh… I am just now being informed that piss is not something that you often do during sex. Clearly my source for this is incorrect, as I, as well as everyone else here at Binghamton Review, have more experience with sex than that source, as it (sex) is something that we do often. And by that, I mean we do it separately. As in, we all do it often, but not together. The “we” can be misconstrued in that sentence, so I just wanted to clarify. Other hot takes include Tommy Gagliano’s article, “Disney College Program: Is It Worth It?” on page 10. He discusses the DCP, which unfortunately stands for “Disney College Program” and not “Double Cock Penetration.” I was very excited to read about whether or not double cock penetration was worth it or not, but instead, all I got was some boring ass “Didney Worl” garbage. I say “boring” and “garbage” simply because I’m disappointed about the lack of double cock penetration (don’t take that out of context), and not because the article is bad. It’s actually quite good, and I would recommend reading it; I’m just bitter. The featured article in this issue is “CON Job: The Government and Healthcare” by Shayne O’Loughlin on page 8. Since Shayne has been a part of the club for months without ever writing before, I was going to feature his article anyway, but it actually turned out really good and well-researched, so he definitely earned it. Read it or else Shayne will be sad and never write for us again. You don’t want that, do you? DO YOU???
Sincerely,
Matt Gagliano Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately liberal campus. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. editor@binghamtonreview.com
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CPampus resswatch “‘Hangxiety’ is a common effect after drinking,” By Alexandra Medina, Pipe Dream, 3/31/22 “It has established a secure place in pop culture as a real thing that affects many, with different definitions being thrown around on social media outlets such as TikTok.” Find a new social media app, my god! Also, I find it funny that you need to specify that the topic of your article is “a real thing” that “affects many.” “But what exactly is hangxiety, and is it even a real thing?” You literally just said it was a real thing in the last sentence! I literally just made fun of you for that! Don’t start doubting yourself now! Believe in yourself, homie! How else am I supposed to believe in you? “Well, for one, it is definitely a real thing and is scientifically proven by researchers.” Jesus Christ, I’m getting whiplash here! “Alcohol initially boosts dopamine levels in the brain with an influx of gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA), giving you that liquid courage many strive for, but only for a certain amount of time.” Umm, achcually, it’s not the GABA that increases your dopamine levels. Alcohol increases the activity of your endogenous opioids, which, in turn, indirectly increase dopaminergic neuron activity. “After an interesting night of laughing, dancing and potentially oversharing, your dopamine levels have dropped.” First, where is your Oxford Comma? Second, I find it offensive that you would assume I do that whilst drunk. You don’t know me. I would NEVER do that, regardless of my current intoxication levels. I’ll have you know
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Written by our Staff
We know you don’t read the other campus publications, so we did it for you. Original pieces are in quotes, our responses are in bold.
that I most definitely do NOT “dance” while under the influence, thank you very much. Also, dopamine levels don’t automatically “drop”, unless you’re speaking in regards to the levels they’re at when you’re drinking. If anything, it’s the reaction to increased dopamine which makes you nauseous during a hangover. “The struggle to regulate emotions can be attributed to a decrease in mood and cognitive function as a result of physical hangover symptoms such as nausea or fatigue.” I hate it when my mood decreases :( “Nauseous and emotional? Hangovers really are the worst.” W- What is this? Is this an attempt at a joke? Is this a “how do you do, fellow kids?” moment? Why is this in the article? It doesn’t follow the tone established up until now at all, and sounds like Jerry Seinfeld floundering to keep his show running after running out of things to talk about up on stage. “What we do have to worry about is the impact hangxiety and alcohol in general can have on our mental health and lifestyle choices, because it’s not the best.” So… Second best then? “As Beth Marsh, a research assistant at University College London’s clinical pharmacology unit, asks, ‘Is that tradeoff of that brief reduction in anx-
iety once you’ve had the drink worth it the morning after?’” Yes. Next question. “According to Marsh’s research, shy people often feel more intense feelings of anxiety after drinking than others. People who are predisposed with social anxiety, she theorizes, have a greater chance of feeling hangxiety because ‘there are more ‘gaps’ in the narrative for the anxious mind to constantly rerun.’” Wait wait wait wait wait. You’re telling me that people with anxiety feel more anxiety after drinking?!?! HOLY SHIT! Discovery of the century right here! Can we get a round of applause? Groundbreaking research, truly. “CNN’s study also claims that hangxiety may be linked to an alcohol use disorder, presumable [sic] because it may be a sign that you are drinking too much or drinking as a way to cope with negative emotions experienced while you are sober.” The whole point of drinking is to “cope with negative emotions experienced while sober.”
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“My advice, as well as the advice of scientists…” Wait, let me guess; you’re about to say that we should drink less. “...is that we should moderate our drinking habits if we want to rid ourselves of the self-deprecating feelings that come with our hangovers.” Ding ding ding. We have a winner! What a revelation, did you come up with that yourself? “Just because we are college students doesn’t mean we should abuse alcohol.” Then what the fuck are we even here for? “The loneliness pandemic is pressing for Gen Z” By Jacob Wisnock, Pipe Dream, 4/4/22 “There is a problem brewing in our midst — one which I reckon to be the greatest of our generation.” Parking spaces? Is it parking spaces? I bet it’s parking spaces. “Around 71 percent of millennials are likely to be lonely according to this study, with baby boomers faring exceptionally well at 50 percent — this is great news to me, since I, unlike some, have compassion for my elders.” Good for you. You want a medal? “In a 2021 global Ipsos survey, 41 percent of people reported “becoming lonelier over the last six months,” passing the Jacob Wisnock scale of loneliness.” HOLY SHIT! THAT’S YOUR NAME! THAT’S YOUR SCALE! HOLY SHIT! “I’d like to identify the root of this problem, but truthfully, I think it’s reductive to frame any particular advent as the primary cause of Generation Z’s loneliness.” You just spent the past three para-
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PRESSWATCH graphs saying that it was COVID and social media, but all of a sudden you don’t know the cause. *Sniff sniff* You smell that? Smells fishy… “Video games, my personal poison, should also be considered as a cause of loneliness in my generation.” Bullshit. The only reason that I have kept in touch with my high school friends is because we play video games online together. If not for video games, my self-identified loneliness would be high, according to the Jacob Wisnock scale of loneliness, of course. “A lack of mask mandates had rendered such stores inhospitable to those with preexisting conditions.” If your preexisting conditions are so bad that you think a short trip to the store is risking your life, chances are you’re ordering your groceries online, mask mandate or not. “I still feel entitled to order Chinese food over DoorDash, but maybe next time I’ll invite friends over to eat with me.” If there’s free Chinese food, I’m free for dinner whenever. I can be your “friend.” ;) “Big Oil has even chimed in by using rising gas prices to encourage you to carpool or use public transport, for example.” You do realize that “Why Rising Gas Prices Are Actually a Good Thing” by Gatt Magliano published in our last issue was satire, right? Also, I don’t think “Big Oil” is raising gas prices for the good of the people. Just a hunch. “Our government should also find its role in the healing process.” It’s role being to lift all the COVID restrictions and then fuck off so we can get back to our normal lives. “Fat-and-skinny shaming are incompa-
rable experiences” By Nicolette Cavallaro, Pipe Dream, 3/21/22 “We are all perfect and should never have to change due to other people’s opinions.” There’s a difference between being comfortable in your own skin and claiming that you’re completely perfect and can do no wrong. There is always a way to improve yourself and be a better person. “Skinny-shaming often comes in the form of harsh words like, ‘Go eat a hamburger.’” Those are the harshest words I have ever read. I honestly cannot even believe that Pipe Dream would let you publish that. If someone told me to go eat a hamburger… Well, I’d probably go eat a hamburger because I’m hungry and hamburgers are tasty. “In 2020, one blogger pointed out that they can’t even go to Universal Studios without dealing with systemic fatphobia, because places are just not built with them in mind. Nothing is more publicly degrading than going on a rollercoaster and then having to wait on the side while your friends have fun because the bars don’t fit over you.” If you are too large to fit in the seat of the rollercoaster, you could possibly be flying out of the seat during the ride, resulting in serious injury or death. It is not because the designers don’t like fat people, it’s a safety concern. “Men may be attracted to curves but they will still publicly denounce larger women and ignore them in favor of their skinnier friends. Of course, preferences are allowed, but not being seen or treated as human because of your weight is extremely taxing on your mental health.” Because some men prefer skinnier women, that means that they aren’t treating larger women as human? Not to be cliché, but that’s a strawman.
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ADVICE COULMN
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Advice Column
By Madeline Perez and Dillon O’Toole
I
offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
“What can I do to satiate my cravings for sweets?” Well, seeing as Easter is coming up I see only one reasonable way to satiate your craving. This, of course, is finding some families’ easter egg hunt and stealing all the eggs before the children are able to find them. Then, you get the satisfaction of sweets along with the satisfaction of watching a group of children struggle to find eggs that no longer exist, not unlike the barren womb of an unsuspecting infertile woman. Checkmate. “What can I do to encourage people to subscribe to my funny and charming blog, the s word, on wordpress?” Binghamton Review is always open to discussing ad space within our issues. For further information, email editor@ binghamtonreview.com. Sorry, we’re broke; we need to milk you guys for anything you got. Can I have five dollars? “How do I become famous overnight?” WE ALREADY ANSWERED YOU DAMMIT! “How do I get myself to stop hating the person wearing yellow at the bus stop? I really just don’t like their vibes. “ Instead of stopping the hate, you should let it flow through you. Internalize, gain power through it, until all you can think about is how much you hate this person who wears yellow. Then, after months of the hatred brewing, you can snap and randomly assault the first yellow thing you see, like a taxi cab, as you have long since forgotten what the person themselves looked like and instead just associated yellow with them. Or you can talk to them and see if you have an actual reason to hate them. “Does Walmart sell Apple Gate hot dogs? I couldn’t find them the last time I was there.” What is this “Hot Dog?*” Also, is Apple Gate the new controversy? I haven’t seen the news in quite a while. *This is a sly reference to our upcoming film, “The Good, The Based, and The Ugly.” Keep an eye out for it on our YouTube channel, “Binghamton Review.” “I just looked at the person at the bus stop again and it made me so angry. Their fit is not good. How do I stop with this anger?” You know how people say you see red when you get angry?
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Well, I’m sure you’ve been seeing orange due to the mixture with this yellow attire. Anyway, what you’re gonna want to do is enter the world of The Giver. Everything will be black and white, so you won’t have to worry about ugly colors like “yellow” or “indigo.” Feelings like anger won’t even exist, so you won’t have to worry about stopping. Just remember, they euthanize the old, so enjoy your life while you can. “hepl, I suffer from a rar disease that will kill me (through inhibiting what few of my acetylcholine receptors remain with naturally-synthesized curare) if i do not see the bighamton revewis penises in the next 48 houres. pls send pics--especilly the small one. Sincerely, Harvey G. Stenger, President” Harvey! You’re back with more questions! We missed you. Anyway, we sadly cannot show you the penises of the bing review since we lost them all in the Great Penis Shirtwaist Fire of 2021. Also, you were always out of luck, since no one at the review has a small penis. It turns out the one person who said they had a small penis on our sex survey was lying to throw everyone off so they wouldn’t figure out who the killer is.* *This is a sly reference to our last video, “Production Nightmare.” Find it on our YouTube channel, “Binghamton Review.” “Finals are coming up, and I’m really nervous. What tips could you provide me for preparing for finals that might help?” You know, I think I know of a tip that I can provide. (It’s my penis). Anywho, make sure to eat something before finals. This will help you stay focused and alert during your test. Will my ass do the trick? “I’m trying to settle this argument with a friend about which came first: the chicken or the egg. Neither of us are really budging on this, and we need a tie-breaker. So which came first?” The man. “What should I do over the summer now that school is over? Seriously, my whole year has been stressing over school, so what do to fill that empty void in my life?” There’s nothing better to distract you from an empty void than a deeper, emptier void. Thrust yourself into a depression so absolute that you won’t even notice you have nothing to do. Relish in the nothingness. Rot. Decay. Return to the Earth from whence you came. Nature is healing! Need life advice? Email Manager@binghamtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.
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TOP 5 REASONS WE NEED TO BAN SEX
Top 5 Reasons We Need To Ban Sex By Madeline Perez
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et me set the scene: you’re enjoying a nice movie in a crowded theater, shoveling popcorn into your mouth with such intensity you frighten even yourself. The perky, lovable protagonist has finally cornered the target of their romantic interest into some sort of bedroom. They’re kissing. Yeah, sounds about right. They’re taking off their clothes. Hmm, ok. Don’t see what that has to do with anything. Suddenly, faster than a speeding bullet, they’re in a bed, thrusting. You drop your bucket of popcorn in paralyzed shock. A man near you vomits up his lunch. A baby lets out a piercing cry. Who let this baby buy a ticket to an R-rated movie? The point is, no one wants to see that. Whether it’s the trend of female dissatisfaction, underage characters, or, worst of all, bare male ass, I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 reasons we need to ban sex immediately from all movies and television. 5. Takes time away from a plot Sex is never necessary to explicitly show in a movie. Every message the scene gets across can be done just as well (if not better), by a simple shot of people kissing hungrily on a bed and a slow pan upwards; the universal cinematic sign of insinuated lovemaking. Maybe even a hand grasping a bedsheet or slapping a car window like it just made a joke about your bald wife. (I.e. the James Cameron method to tell the audience “sex is happening now” through female hands). My point is that in scenes that feel the need to go further than an insinuation, each second spent watching an uncomfortable screwing scene means another second wasted not giving the audience a quality plot. I guess it makes sense. Why bother writing something good when you can just show two people having sex? 4. Looks stupid One of the greatest sins commit-
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ted by TV sex is that it looks incredibly stupid. Seeing characters being vulnerable like that, making their weird sex faces, looks so dumb because it reminds the audience that the characters are just as flawed and depraved as the rest of us. Gross! Also, I don’t think a filmmaker could make an O-face look cool even if they tried. Tasteful boob placement can stay, but seeing anyone’s naked butt in a movie kind of feels silly. Don’t even get me started on thrusting, which is directly painful to watch. There is no chemical strong enough to cleanse my eyes after seeing that Watchmen (2009) sex scene. Who watches the watchmen? A deeply unnerved and traumatized audience who’s going to need at least 3 years of therapy after that monstrosity, that’s who. Thanks, Zack! 3. Super uncomfortable You’re watching a movie because you feel like watching a movie. If you wanted porn, you’d probably be watching porn instead. Having a movie switch like that on you is never polite and makes me want to have a firm talking to with the CEO of Hollywood. These are characters I just got to know intimately over the past hour! Why would I want to see this? What could anyone possibly be getting out of this? I don’t want to be horny right now, and even if I did (which I, for the record, would never do), this simply wouldn’t work. It also seems they forgot to factor in that movies and TV shows are things you sometimes watch with other people. I, and many others, frankly do not want to watch softcore movie porn around our families. This goes double for rape scenes and underage sex, both of which I believe should never be explicitly shown on a TV show. It’s clear that these are only included for controversy and attention, like some fully sequined bodysuit you might wear to CALC 226. 2. Ruins the characters
Simply put, banging, time and time again, has marred my perception of characters. The same goes for real-life; knowing the people in your life are having insinuated sex is one thing, but seeing it up close and personal is an entirely different story. It can ruin the whole show for me. Though I think Euphoria (2019) is entertaining, I cannot get past the terrible, unsatisfactory, underage sex scenes. Within the entire first season, it felt like nearly every episode had a scene where a male character, driven by a need for power and control, takes the reigns of a pushover girlfriend who clearly isn’t having a good time, crosses a line into possible sexual assault (which, mind you, is never addressed), until he finishes and jets quicker than he came, leaving her to cry or some shit. Time and time again, neither party would participate for pleasure, and the women seem to always get the short end of the “not having an orgasm” stick. It’s disturbing, serves no purpose, and leaves the audience all thinking the same thing. Wow, they sure are fucking a lot for characters who are supposed to be in high school! All in all, I find it hard watching these characters go about the plot when I just saw them have a traumatic formative sexual experience five minutes ago. 1. Sex isn’t even real My last and main point is that we need to ban sex from television because it’s simply unrealistic. Sex isn’t real, and feeding audiences lies about its existence is frankly irresponsible. Many people see sex in media and then feel insecure when they don’t seem to be doing the do like their favorite character. My message to them is: Don’t worry! These things only exist in movies and you shouldn’t feel bad about something that was made up to fill screen time. My message to filmmakers on the other hand; Watch out. If you don’t ban sex now I am literally going to get you. I am in your walls.
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CON JOB: THE GOVERNMENT AND HEALTHCARE
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CON Job: The Government and Healthcare By Shayne O’Loughlin
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n March 2020, with the COVID-19 pandemic spreading across the United States, hospitals attempted to prepare the necessary medical equipment to relieve the stress generated by the swelling number of in-patients. They had a massive problem, however. Standing in the way of large shipments of hospital beds and ventilators were nearly three dozen state governments and a federal district, all with laws made to destroy fair competition in healthcare. To understand the environment in which American healthcare finds itself, we need look no further than Certificate of Need laws. This legislation started in our home state of New York in 1964 as a way to control “unnecessary” expansion of healthcare facilities, specifically in an area where their use would be “conflicting” and cause an increase in prices. Say a hospital in Binghamton wants to build a new facility on their premises to focus on neurosurgery, but a competitor hospital 20 minutes away already has a facility focused on neurosurgery. The CON agency within New York State then reserves the right to essentially veto the construction of the facility by refusing to accept the certificate of need, given that the two hospitals overlap and fulfill the needs of the same community. In theory, by preventing duplicate services within a community, the space for medical expansion would be focused on medically-underserved communities such as rural America. In practice, the bureaucratic nature of this system naturally lends itself to corruption and inefficiency. To create a government agency or board, medical professionals within the state make these decisions, people who can be all-too-easily bought-out by corporate hospitals with a vested interest in maintaining market-share. This problem is exacerbated by the definition of “need” being unspecified , and requires no clarification or a method of appeals. Within the first decade of New
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York’s adoption of the Certificate of Need legislation, 26 states had followed suit. In 1974, Congress passed the National Health Planning and Resources Development Act, providing federal funding to any state that embraced these laws. By 1982, every state had hopped on the bandwagon. The twist is that upon investigation, both the Federal Trade Commission and Department of Justice came to the conclusion that CON laws negatively impacted the quality, prices, and availability of medical services. In 1986, Congress reneged on the NHPRDA and pulled federal funding, leading to a slew of states dismantling their agencies. The sheer number of studies that report similar findings to the FTC and DOJ are staggering. A study from Duke University found that in states with CON laws, there are 13% fewer hospital beds, 30% fewer hospitals per capita, and 42% fewer substance abuse treatment centers, as well as increasing the overall expenses of an average patient from 3 to 10%. The study also found that the distance from healthcare centers increased in CON states, as did racial disparity in equal quality of service. Washington State did an analysis on the effectiveness of their CON laws and admitted that “CON has not controlled overall healthcare spending or hospital costs.” Even healthcare providers have expressed uncertainty that the system in place works, according to two studies from the National Institute for Healthcare Reform and the independent Lewin Group in Illinois. What empirical evidence can’t account for is the true cost of creating and maintaining these laws. How many independent competitor offices and centers could have been opened were it not for these laws that create a legal loophole for established corporate hospitals to create a barrier for entry? How many people were unable to afford life-changing surgeries because they were uninsured and had no alter-
natives to hospitals with egregiously bloated administrations and prices? To see an example of what these laws inhibit, look no further than the success story of the Surgery Center of Oklahoma, where they continue to provide flat-rate operations with no hidden fees to anyone, whether they’re insured or not. In retaliation, local hospitals attempted to destroy the business through lobbying the state for new laws. Were it not for local politicians’ sympathy for the center from seeing what it provided to the community, there is no doubt the center would have been closed down by outside pressure. The prices for their operations are still available to peruse freely on their website. Following the pandemic, many states reacted by putting moratoriums on CON agencies, so that hospitals could provide enough beds and ventilators. In light of this newfound (albeit limited) freedom, there is hope for a call to amend or abolish CON laws in some states, with North Carolina, one of the strictest states, already passing a revision in 2021 that slashed the power of CON agencies by raising the minimum cost for a Certificate of Need. The big problem facing reform is the relative obscurity of CON laws in the media and the role they play in making American healthcare the mess it is today. The only solution is staying informed and, in turn, informing others of the damage this system ultimately does.
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The Seed Oil Hypothesis
THE SEED OIL HYPOTHESIS
By Joe Badalamenti
O
ne of the benefits of the decentralization of the internet is that people can and will discuss topics outside of the 3 to 5 current trendy events. While browsing the World Wide Web to pass the time, I came across something that can change the way everyone thinks about nutrition: the seed oil hypothesis. This hypothesis describes the harmful effects of commonly-used vegetable oils. While nutritional chemistry and human physiology are very complex fields, from what I have read, there is a lot to this theory. It’s a lot more interesting and impactful than Will Smith slapping Chris Rock ever will be. But enough hype, let’s just jump into it. First off, we should consider what makes food good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. This depends on the chemical composition of the food itself. Foods that contain various nutrients that the body requires are healthy; foods that contain less of these nutrients or chemicals that wreck the body are unhealthy. If you found out that your favorite cereal contains cyanide, you’d probably stop eating it. Fortunately, most firms are ethical enough to keep cyanide out of their products. However, there is one set of common ingredients that have been linked to a number of health disorders according to the hypothesis: seed oils. Canola oil, soybean oil, corn oil, sunflower oil, etc., are, as it turns out, not that good for you. The use of seed oils began in the 20th century as a cheaper alternative to butter, lard and other animal fats used for cooking. Since then, these oils have exploded in popularity, being used in almost every processed food item and restaurant. If you go to the grocery store you’ll probably find that at least 7 out of 10 items contain one of these seed oils. Endorsement of these oils by organizations such as the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) and the American Heart Association have also contributed to their widespread use in cooking. The seed oil hypothesis
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paints a different picture. But why are seed oils unhealthy? As I mentioned before, it’s all about the chemical composition. High concentrations of polyunsaturated fatty acids are found in these seed oils. Fats or lipids are important biomolecules used for energy storage, insulation, and other important functions inside cells as well as body tissues. If you paid attention in your high school biology class, you would know that unsaturated fatty acids contain double-bonded carbon atoms, unlike saturated fatty acids, which are, on a baseline level, worse for you. While this may seem to be a minute difference, it turns out that fatty acids which contain more double bonds are easier to oxidize or change their chemical composition. When these unsaturated fatty acids are oxidized, their chemical composition is altered to not only be useless, but harmful to the body. Compared to other fats, seed oils typically contain over 90% of unsaturated fats. So the continual use of seed oils will change your body’s composition of lipids to include much more unsaturated fatty acids. It’s important to reiterate that unsaturated fats are not harmful on their own, they only become harmful when they oxidize into toxic products. These oxidation reactions generally happen over time, so the older unsaturated fats are more likely to have undergone oxidation. Environmental factors such as high temperature also cause oxidation. So how do we know whether the unsaturated fats in seed oils have been oxidized or not? Well during industrial processing, as well as cooking, the oils are heated continuously, which, as mentioned before, encourages oxidation of these unsaturated fatty acids. That’s why virgin olive oil, which is generally kept in conditions that prevent oxidation, is a safer alternative. Therefore, it’s more likely than not that the fatty acids within the seed oils have oxidized into toxic byproducts I’ve spoken a lot about the chem-
istry of seed oils, but what do they do once inside the body? If the past two paragraphs weren’t enough to catch your attention, maybe this list of scary diseases will: consumption of these toxins has been correlated with fatigue, obesity, diabetes, sunburn, blood clots, inflammation, muscle dysfunction, neurological diseases such as schizophrenia and Alzheimers, and heart failure. It may seem strange that such a common ingredient is responsible for all of these disorders, but keep in mind that these diseases are a result of years of unsaturated fatty acid oxidation product buildup; hence why many see them as safe. I should probably also mention my sources for all of this information. In an article by Dr. Cate Shanahan titled: “PUFA-project: Scientific References on Seed Oil Toxicity”, you can find a plethora of sources that detail the consumption and effects of the polyunsaturated fats within seed oils. If you are a millennial or Gen Zer with a Tik Tok addiction and no attention span, then you can watch a video by What I’ve Learned titled “The $100 Billion Dollar Ingredient making your food toxic”, An informative and entertaining video. This article would not have been written had I not watched the video. To summarize, as consumption of seed oils has increased in the last century, heart disease along with other ailments have increased alongside it. If this topic interests you, go ahead and check out these sources. You may even come to a better conclusion than I have. It’s clear that the seed oil hypothesis has scientific credibility given the research attached to it. If you also feel the need to cut out seed oils from your diet, consider alternatives such as olive oil, butter, lard, tallow, coconut oil, avocado oil, and other unprocessed oils and fats. While it may be very difficult to cut out the seed oils considering their prevalence, consider gradually cutting them out. Any step towards improvement is a step towards improvement.
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DISNEY COLLEGE PROGRAM: IS IT WORTH IT?
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Disney College Program: Is It Worth It? By Tommy Gagliano
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ello there, college student. Are you tired of taking boring, meaningless classes at a state university that you didn’t want to attend in the first place? Want to escape the shitty weather, seasonal depression, and crackheads for a semester? What if I told you that you can earn college credits—and get paid—to do an internship at Walt Disney World? What if I also told you that you get free admission to all Disney parks during your internship? Sounds like quite the experience, doesn’t it? If you’re still not sold, check out how Disney themselves describe their college program: “Discover a unique living and working environment with participants from all over the world. [Disney College Program] allows you to gain on-the-job experience with a world-renowned company, providing uniquely Disney learning experiences, all while preparing for your future, building transferable skills, including networking, problem solving, teamwork and effective communication.” Wow! There are so many buzzwords in there that I almost missed that the second sentence is not grammatically correct. Surely you must be convinced now, though. Who wouldn’t want “transferable skills” or “uniquely Disney learning experiences”? I know I was sold. At the time of publication, I’ve been in Florida for approximately two and a half months as a Disney College Program participant. Everyone always asks “are you having fun?” to which I respond that I am. They then ask “would you recommend it to other people?” to which I respond that I absolutely would not. At least not right now. Before we get into the nitty-gritty, here’s the general idea of what the Disney College Program is: Work at a low-level position somewhere at Walt Disney World. Opportunity to live at College Program housing near (but not on) Disney property. There are no college credits to be earned; that part was a lie. (I’m not earning any at least, and I have yet to meet someone who is.) That’s about it. The Disney College Program is open to current college students, or former students that graduated within the past two years. It used to be fairly selective, but that went out the window when they brought the program back post-COVID hysteria. In the past applicants were required to take part in a phone interview, but they ditched that step in an effort to get as many people in as quickly as possible to help with labor shortages. Presently, applicants are chosen solely based on their resume and whether or not they can convincingly lie about being an extrovert in the “web-based interview.” At the moment Disney is opting for quantity over quality, and some of the people I’ve met down here are proof of that. One of the biggest benefits to the College Program was the ability to put it on a resume, but that reputation has been tarnished a bit, at least if prospective employers are in the know. College Program applicants used to be able to list preferences for the type of work that they would like to do, but that died with the phone interview. Now, Disney decides the role and location on their own, and you get what you get and you don’t get upset. When most people think about working at Dis-
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ney World, they imagine working at a ride in one of the parks, but “attractions” is just one of many potential roles. College Program participants—or CPs, as we’re commonly called—can be assigned anything from attractions, to food service, to merchandise, to parking, to custodial, and so on. Locations outside of the four parks are fair game as well. Yeah, you might have the opportunity to work at Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance in Hollywood Studios. But you’re just as likely to work in housekeeping at Disney’s All-Star Sports Resort. The work that CPs do is no different than what part-time or full-time Cast Members do. Even though Disney describes it as an internship that teaches “transferrable skills” and all of those other words that I see all over LinkedIn, CPs are not actually provided any additional classes, training, or work opportunities. We do the same work as the other Cast Members in that role or location. That does not mean that we are treated the same, however. CPs are paid $14 per hour. This is $1 fewer than the $15 per hour that full-time and part-time Cast Members are paid. While other Cast Members are free to move their schedules around between themselves as they please, CPs are only permitted to make even trades; in most situations, we cannot give away a shift without picking up another one, and vice versa. This is especially annoying, because unlike full-timers and part-timers, we cannot put in preferences for which days or times we would prefer to work; our availability is locked at 24/7 for the duration of our program. In some locations, this is fully exploited by leadership. For the past few weeks I’ve been scheduled 45 to 55 hours with only one day off, and I know people that have been scheduled 60+ hour weeks. 12 to 14 hour shifts are common, and in most locations closing is considered a CP job, because no one else wants to work that late. CPs also miss out on benefits that other Cast Members have access to, such as paid time off and Aspire (a program through which Disney will pay for a Cast Member’s college). CPs do get some benefits, though. We get a self-admission pass, which we can use to enter Disney theme parks (and water parks) for free. It was a great perk for about a month, until they started blocking us out of everything. There is not a single day in the entire month of April, and only one day in the month of May, that we are not at least partially blocked out from entering the parks. On most of the days that are only partially blocked out instead of fully blocked out we are only able to enter one park, and the majority of the time that park is Epcot. Just because we aren’t blocked out does not mean that we can actually go to the park that day, though. As a residual effect from Disney’s COVID policies, guests are required to make a park reservation for each day that they intend to go to a park. Cast Members are required to follow the same procedure. There are a limited number of reservations available, and the number available to Cast Members is significantly lower than the number available to paying guests. As a result, even on days where we aren’t blocked out, reservations are always full. The only way to get into a park is to make a reservation weeks ahead of time.
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BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM But wait, there’s more! Cast members are only permitted to hold three park reservations at a time. So making reservations ahead of time becomes problematic because we are then unable to make more reservations until we either use or cancel the ones we already have. And, of course, we don’t know our work schedule until a week beforehand. So we basically have to pick a day that we want to go to a park weeks in advance, and then pray that we’re given that day off, because we can’t give away shifts. Really solid perk. Oh, and we get 20% off merchandise. Woo hoo. At the moment, College Program housing is at Flamingo Crossings Village—a brand-new apartment complex managed by American Campus Communities that is located just outside of Disney property. The complex has a gym, pool, basketball court, and WiFi that never functions properly, among other amenities that we never use, but have to pay for. There are three apartment styles—a four bedroom four bathroom apartment (which we refer to as a “4x4”), a four bedroom two bathroom (“4x2”), and a two bedroom two bathroom (“2x2”). Each apartment houses four people. Paychecks come in weekly, and rent is automatically deducted from each paycheck. Rent costs $185 per week for a 2x2, $205 per week for a 4x2, and $225 for a week for a 4x4. We’ll be doing some more math later, but while we’re talking about rent costs… If we say that a month is 30.5 days long, that means that each resident is paying between $806 and $980 per month in rent, depending on which apartment style they live in. Since there are four residents per apartment, each apartment—which, by the way, is comparable in size to a Hillside apartment at Binghamton—is bringing in between $3,224 and $3,920 per month for American Campus Communities. It doesn’t take any expertise in the central Floridian housing market to know how ridiculous that is. A quick Zillow search reveals that you can rent four or five bedroom houses in the area for the same cost as a Flamingo Crossings Village 2x2. Oh, and did you want to bring your car? You better have a quick finger, because if you don’t click the button the split second that registration for a parking pass opens, you’re out of luck. There isn’t nearly enough parking at Flamingo Crossings to accommodate everyone. Rent isn’t the only thing taken out of your paycheck, though. The government also likes to steal your money. And even though Florida does not have state income tax, because we are not permanent residents of Florida, CPs are required to pay the income tax for whatever state they “live” in. Even though I am working in Florida, New York State is still yoinking my money every week. So, let’s say I work a standard 40-hour week. At $14 per hour, my gross pay for the week would be $560. I’m no accountant, but based on my paystubs the amount taken out between state income tax, federal income tax, social security, and medicare seems to be around 20% on average. (I’m sure I’ll owe more at the end of the year when my income from my other jobs are considered together, but we’ll just go with 20% for now). $448 remaining after the government takes its cut. Then Flamingo swoops in, and as I live in a 2x2, an additional $185 disappears. That leaves me with $263. With food and gas prices as absurd as they are right now, I’d be able to save $100 per week at most, if I spent absolutely nothing on leisure or entertainment. And
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DISNEY COLLEGE PROGRAM: IS IT WORTH IT? that’s assuming I get 40 hours per week. Disney only guarantees CPs 30 hours each week. Even though I mentioned earlier that a lot of CPs get scheduled way too many hours, some people have the opposite problem, and can barely afford to pay for housing and groceries. Now, after all of that, would you believe me if I said I’m happier here than I’ve ever been? Yeah, I wish I had more days off, and I wish I could get into the parks more frequently, and I wish that I actually got to keep the money that I earned. Yeah, from an objective viewpoint, the program is a scam. But I’m still enjoying myself. I’m not sure if you noticed, but I have yet to mention what I actually do at Disney. I work at Pirates of the Caribbean in Magic Kingdom. It’s not easy work, but for the most part, I enjoy it. Or, more accurately, it’s bearable enough to justify the benefits of being here. Even though I can’t get into the Disney parks very often, I’m getting plenty of use from my Universal Studios annual pass. For $350 I get access to both parks with free parking, no blockout dates, and 10% off food. Neither Universal Studios Orlando nor Universal Islands of Adventure can compete with the Disney parks, obviously, but Velocicoaster exists, and that alone makes the trip worth it. There is so much more to do in the area as well. For the theme park junkies, SeaWorld is about twenty minutes away, and Busch Gardens is an hour. Tampa and Daytona Beach are about an hour away, Jacksonville is two hours away, and Miami is three and a half hours away. All four major sports have teams within striking distance. And, of course, Disney Springs does not require a reservation, nor do any of the resorts. Florida is also just a great place to be, especially right now. The weather has been in the 70s and 80s pretty consistently, and I have not worn a mask in over a month. There is no state mandate, and Disney and Universal both dropped their mask mandates in mid-February. I should also take a minute to talk about the people here. The CP population is largely women and gay men, and there’s an overabundance of theater kids. Definitely not my normal vibe, and even though I do feel like I need some more masculine energy sometimes, nearly everyone I have met has been friendly and pleasant to be around. I really like most of the people that I work with; the majority of them are great at their jobs (which is important because working in attractions is a team effort) and are always willing to help new people whenever possible. Walt Disney World is huge and I can’t speak for other locations, but at Pirates the work environment is overwhelmingly positive and encouraging. In conclusion, pros and cons. Like everything else in life. I know a lot of people that are having a blast down here. I also know a lot of people that self-terminated and went back home because they were miserable. My final piece of parting advice: If you do want to participate in the College Program, consider getting an apartment outside of Flamingo and going part-time instead. It’s the stonks move. Or wait a bit, if possible. I imagine the experience will be more enjoyable in the future if they aren’t so understaffed, if they allow applicants to list preferences again, and if they abandon the reservation system for park admission.
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TOM BOMBADIL: TOLKIEN AND CONSERVATIVE ENVIRONMENTALISM
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Tom Bombadil: Tolkien and Conservative Environmentalism By Arthur O’Sullivan
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ejoice! For spring is supposedly upon us, dear reader! In principle, the weather should be warming and the flowers should be blooming. After a harsh winter, our climate should be fairer. But my friend, we’re at Binghamton University (a premier public ivy, you know). Here a warm, sunny day is as rare as a bad article in Binghamton Review. Speaking of which, I had intended to cover Ketanji Brown Jackson’s confirmation to the Supreme Court, before realizing that I could not get past a paragraph of thought. All I saw was the highest chamber of Congress engaging in meretricious politicking before the cameras (unheard of, I know). Republicans posed unfair and irrelevant questions and accusations (see Graham’s attempt to replicate his iconic Kavanaugh speech or Greene’s “pro-pedophile” label). Democrats countered with absurd softballs and apologetics. Jackson assiduously avoided answering all of them. Three Republicans decided to support her confirmation, furthering the forgone conclusion of the proceedings. The decision stoked a familiar and tiresome outrage among the “new right,” further driving a wedge within the GOP. The phrase plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose comes to mind: a liberal justice will join an irrevocably politicized Supreme Court, the 6-3 (ostensibly) conservative majority will remain intact, Republicans will still be split along MAGA lines, and few voters will change their habits over this needless spectacle. This story is almost as dreary as today’s weather. For that reason, I have decided to abandon it in favor of something cozier. The title of this article says it all. I’m not typically a fan of most fantasy work (though I do have a soft spot for The Elder Scrolls and the Eragon books from my childhood). It’s all too predictable to me: magic is written without mystery, the plot and story-structure tend to feel nihilistic
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and self-gratifying, and I find the tired formula of elves, dwarves, goblins, and wizards to be schlocky and derivative. The idea that “fantasy” itself could be derivative shows just how oxymoronic the genre has become. One could ask, however, of what “fantasy” is derived. The answer, of course, is C.S. Lewis J.R.R. Tolkien. Unlike other kids my age, I didn’t watch the Lord of the Rings movies until I was a teenager in about ninth grade, after I had read the books, though I did read The Hobbit as a kid. I also have not, nor will I ever, read The Silmarillion—not out of prejudice against reading it, but out of fear of those who have. Therefore I am not blinded by particular nostalgia, the same way I might be for the Harry Potter or Percy Jackson series, when I read or discuss Tolkien’s work. In contrast to other fantasy work, Tolkien’s writing fails to suffer from the issues I describe: elves, wizards and their magic truly feel ancient and mysterious, sentiments of hope and mercy extend beyond platitudinous lip-service, and Middle-Earth is as vivid and rich with history and culture as befits the expansive story that Tolkien tells. Reading Tolkien illustrates the potential of fantasy, derived from a deep understanding of language, cultural mythology, and the human condition. Despite so much of the genre being derivative of his work, Tolkien is still utterly unique in literature. The most unique and puzzling part of his world, and the telos of this unnecessarily-long preamble, is a small but significant character near the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring, Tom Bombadil. Those who have only seen the movies (and who are still reading this pretentious, convoluted article) would be justified in saying, “Who? What’s going on? Arthur, why are you forcing me to read this?” To which I would laugh with the smug superiority of one who has read the books and can, as the movie is playing, say “AKSHSUALLY, in the book it happens differently.” I would then didactically describe the
plot in excruciating detail, before pontificating on Tom Bombadil’s manifold symbolic meanings. But I would never do that to you, dear reader, now would I? So anyways, a little less than halfway through Book I of The Fellowship of the Ring, our intrepid hobbits, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, have set out on a dangerous mission to the elf safehouse of Rivendell. At their then-lowest point, they find themselves trudging through the rough wilderness far from any comfort of home, being pursued by horse-riding agents of the villainous Sauron. The narrative stakes couldn’t be higher, and then, out of nowhere, they find themselves being eaten by a carnivorous willow tree. In a desperate attempt to save his friends, Frodo accosts a lone traveler on the road, begging for his help. “Who is this guy?” you may ask. It is none other than Tom Bombadil, singing his signature song, “Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dol dillo! Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!” In an instant, Tom saves the hobbits from the “Old Willow Man” and,
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BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM in case the plot hasn’t been derailed enough, invites them over to his place for dinner with his beautiful wife Goldberry. Multiple times he refers to himself in some way as the “master of the forest,” and that nothing evil could capture the hobbits without him knowing about it. He is also apparently immune to the tempting influence of the ring (of which Sauron is the lord, hence the title of the novel). After staying at Tom’s house for the night, our hobbits are again captured. There Frodo again calls for Tom’s help, and again Tom comes to help, before accompanying them out of his forest, and the normal plot resumes, and old Tom Bombadil is scarcely mentioned again. Upon reading this, your average modern editor (or fantasy author for that matter) might have an aneurysm. Tolkien took the narrative tension he spent so much time building, and discarded it in order to insert a character from one of his previous works. “What did he mean by this?!” cry today’s “fantasy aficionados,” the cheeto dust billowing from their keyboards as they furiously opine on message boards. Few, however, have the nerve to actively dislike jolly Tom. There is simply something about his ineffable charm that appeals to everyone, nonsensical as it is. For that reason I contend that Tolkien (mostly) knew what he was doing when writing this section, and that its inclusion reveals a greater truth about his philosophy of nature, one that is relevant to our political climate today. Most would say that political conservatism and environmentalism mix as well as oil and water (or this article and a coherent point). But while that statement holds true for mainstream modern environmentalism, it’s a mistake to say that conservatism itself lacks an environmental vision. The values and areas of focus, however, are different from the typical leftwing environmentalist view. Whereas most contemporary environmentalists concern themselves with global issues such as “climate change,” “green energy,” and “sustainability,” this more obscure conservative environmentalism is much more concerned with local issues such as “pollution,” “beauty,” and
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TOM BOMBADIL: TOLKIEN AND CONSERVATIVE ENVIRONMENTALISM
“peace.” This conservative environmentalism is embodied in Tom Bombadil, the master of his forest, wholly unconcerned about what goes on beyond its borders. Tom Bombadil simply exists, untroubled by the greater problems of the world, spending his eons enjoying the basic pleasures of nature, while still keeping a home, a wife and good food. Even his enemies can be abated with a jolly song, and he makes fast friends with anyone he meets. In short, Tom Bombadil is the archetypal dad’s dream. That is conservative environmentalism, a bucolic pipedream, borne of the halfling’s leaf. Many English scholars have already pontificated on Tolkien’s apparent environmentalism, citing Saruman’s (the fallen lucifer-type wizard) industrialization of the surrounding forest, causing his downfall at the hands of a bunch of sentient (non-carnivorous) trees. Still, like with many of today’s issues, they find it difficult to place Tolkien in a box. But in taking the view of Tom Bombadil being man’s ideal relationship to nature, everything falls into place. This notion of conservative environmentalism is not some isolated construction of a crackpot with a thesaurus. In the third presidential debate between Old Man Trump and Old Man Biden, the ever-expanding topic of “climate change” came up. Joe delivered the Democratic party line on the
issue (you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, they say). Trump’s approach was interesting, however. While Biden appealed to temperature statistics, organizations, and treaties, Trump appealed to a more folksy “America the Beautiful” vision, speaking of ensuring “immaculate” air and water, while completely avoiding the topics of his opponent. The word “immaculate” (literally, “without fault”) is meaningful, hearkening to Nixon’s founding of the EPA. The world of these conservative types, at least the one they articulate before the cameras, is the world of Tom Bombadil. This is hardly an academic article (though with even more buzzwords and unnecessary citations, I could probably get it published). It is more so a loose collection of rambling thoughts slapped together on this issue’s production night. It is beyond me to give my full opinion on this conservative environmentalism I describe (in short, I believe both it and mainstream environmentalism are somewhat naïve in their goals, but have merit at their cores). Perhaps the two can be reconciled, and the synthesis will produce immaculate air and sunny spring weather for all. Just know that Tom Bombadil will leap and laugh all the way there… “Tom’s country ends here: he will not pass the borders. Tom has his house to mind, and Goldberry is waiting!”
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MARX WAS RIGHT
Marx Was Right By Patrick McAuliffe
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ou may ask yourself, “But homie, the satire issue was last issue! What gives?” You’d be right, homie, but I’ve come to realize that you whippersnappers are truly and deeply sheltered, for the most part. I don’t pretend to clairvoyantly know where you come from or where you’re going, but after a while in the corporate world (where most of you will probably be going), you may feel the same exasperations that I feel, tugging at your mind but unable to be pinned down definitively. Allow me to give you a sneak preview of what these inevitable feelings might be. Karl Marx’s labor theory of value and view of history as constant class struggle are deeply flawed, even dead wrong in ways, but that doesn’t mean that other lessons can be gleaned from the words of, arguably, one of history’s worst Germans. Joining him are Hegel, from whom Marx drew much of his inspiration; Kant, who spoiled empiricism and started Europe down the dark path of continental philosophy; and one more guy…can’t quite put my finger on him…Heifer? Hitman? Might have been a chancellor at one point? I digress.
“For example, at my job, I produce nothing; I perform a function so far removed from the creative process that, one day, I could easily be replaced by an AI algorithm. One of Marx’s points that I’ve come to agree with is that the Industrial Revolution began to alienate people from their labor. In my view, this wasn’t nearly as true in Marx’s day as it is today; toiling away on a labor-saving machine at least gave the laborer a vehicle by which they were able to see concrete fruits of their labor. Sitting
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atop one’s brand-new tractor as one’s field is plowed or sending off the pieces of the Model-Ts from one’s part of the assembly line could still give the laborer a sense of pride in their work. Something concrete and tangible is being made or changed, just faster and with much less strain on the laborer. Human suffering was reduced in multiple ways, both with the labor-saving technologies of the era that saved a worker time and strain, and the myriad products now able to be mass-produced for beneficial consumption, among other ways. Labor, even recreational labor (think arts and crafts, or a pet project like restoring cars or building models), is something humans are wired for because seeing the fruits of that labor gives us pleasure and a sense of self-fulfillment. Plus, we need it to survive a harsh, uncaring world that gives and takes with no discretion. It all goes downhill as the Information Age takes root. The tangible work for money to survive that existed in the Industrial Revolution is nearly obsolete in developed countries. Our economy is now primarily based on “logical work”, like typing on computers, sending emails, and using various operating systems to perform bureaucratic pencil-pushing. For example, at my job, I produce nothing; I perform a function so far removed from the creative process that, one day, I could easily be replaced by an AI algorithm. I exist inside my computer. Many others — salespeople, IT professionals, administrators, and bureaucrats — may feel this frustration as well. Well-off people in developed nations are so far removed from the very real threat of struggling to survive that their functions can just as easily be completely eclipsed by technology, should it continue to develop at its current rate. Should they lose their nest eggs and fall destitute, they would be like shivering children out in the cold, bewildered and unequipped to handle this dangerous world. I’m grateful for the things that
humans have developed as our inventive minds branch out into previously uncharted territory; a small Victorian child would drop dead of fright (and probably syphilis) if he walked into a modern home full of the smartest smart gadgets of the day. I’m grateful that most humans in developed nations don’t have to struggle in the same ways as people in poorer nations halfway across the globe, or even in the same ways as their ancestors did 100 years ago. Unfortunately, this global affluence has brought with it unforeseen and mind-numbing consequences. I am by no means saying that struggling every day to survive like peasants in the Middle Ages is the proper state of humanity; I merely believe that our modern “work” has alienated us from our creative processes, and we need that creativity and productivity — TRUE productivity — to fully actualize and realize our humanity. Marx was right about that, the little fucker, but I hate to admit it. If there’s one thing I ask of you, dear reader, it’s to find ways to break out of the cycles of monotony that the Information Age has instituted for the vast majority of us. Paint a picture, pick up a hobby, grow a garden, learn a new skill, or, hell, write for Binghamton Review. Squirrel away moments for yourself and your loved ones so that your unique, extraordinary, human existence isn’t confined to your computer or your Metaverse avatar. At all costs, avoid being chronically online and try to enjoy all the wonders that this harsh, uncaring world has to offer, should you be brave enough to look.
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HOW TO BECOME A SIGMA MALE
How To Become a Sigma Male By Chad Largepenis
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hat up bros, this is Chad Largepenis signing in. Ever wondered what it’s like to have it all, to win at life, to be loved by men and feared by women? Worry not, because I have come to show you the way of the Sigma grind-set. Using this mindset, I earn 7 figures a day, have 3 weed-smoking gfs, all while maintaining a 6.9 GPA majoring in Sigma sciences with a minor in money-making. As you know, It’s all about the money mindset. To give you a glimpse into my life, here is my typical daily schedule: 3:00 Wake up: be sure to scream at the top of your lungs to alert the world to your presence. 3:01 Get out of bed: take a minute to go outside (sigmas sleep naked) and admire nature for a minute. tory.
3:02: Piss and shit: self-explana-
3:05: Go to the bathroom: location for the first activity of the week. 3:10: Edging session: edging is important in order to build discipline, Plinemaxxing as I call it. Be sure to get in enough edging in to make your mind strong as steel. 5:10: Breakfast: put raw chicken, lemon peels, tire rubber, and 100 mg of Benedryl and blend. Down that shit in a minute. 5:11: Workout session: 400 lbs benches (no spotter) as a warm-up followed by 600 lbs squats and 800 lbs deadlift reps, 20 seconds rest each. 6:15: Work (drop shipping): time to focus on your entrepreneurial ventures. Dropshipping is when you sell goods online bought from physical stores. For example, I’ll drop-ship vintage $5 shoes from Payless for $75 min. Boom, profit.
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10:15: Cardio workout session: 45-minute sprint warm-up followed by 10-mile repeats at 2:45 minute pace, 15 seconds rest. 11:30: Lunch: time to restock your energy. As a machine, you should be looking for the highest quality fuel so be sure to down at least 5 liters of premium gasoline. If it can make cars run, it’ll make you fly. 11:35: Online networking: time to connect with other sigmas online to share tips and strategies. Instagram and Grindr are top choices. 1:00: Misogyny: As the Man, you need to show women that you are their superior. Do not stop until they recognize your greatness. 3:00: Worship billionaires: the apprentice learns from the master, but the master learns from the Gods. 3:30: Third workout session: place hot coal over the floor and do the following: 100 pushups, 200 sit-ups, and 500 Jumping jacks. 30 seconds rest between every 100 reps. 5:00: Get banned on social media for racism: it happens to the best of us. 5:01: Make new alt accounts: the grind never stops. 5:02: More “networking”: remember your network is your net worth$$$. 6:03: read: a book a day if you are a true sigma. 8:03: dinner: nails, chicken bones, rocks (for flavor), 100 mg of fentanyl, blend and down in 1 minute. 8:04: Watch American Psycho: Patrick Bateman was the first sigma, learn what you will.
9:35: Sprint to the grocery store: transportation is a waste of money. 9:40: buy groceries: your food isn’t gonna make itself. 9:43: eat groceries: why wait for your food to spoil. Get all the value of those nutrients as soon as you can. tory.
9:45: shit and piss: self-explana-
9:47: leave grocery store: your business at the grocery store is now finished. 9:52: get mail: ignore anything sent by the IRS, you can just use that as fuel for the fireplace. 10:00: ice bath: cold showers aren’t enough. 11:00: edging: be sure to think about the women you’ve “harassed” while edging. 12:00: investments: the most important part of your day, be sure that your stocks, NFTs, and dogecoin. Remember: sell low, buy high. 2:59: sleep: time to get a good night’s rest in order to prepare for a new day. If you’ve made it this far, you now know the secrets of the sigma money mindset. But we are not done yet, for that was only my Monday; I have six more schedules for each day of the week. But I can’t just give them away for free. For just the low price of $69.69, I will teach you all the secrets of the sigma male as well as the forbidden knowledge of the Ligma male. Until then, you’ll have to suffer alone with your small penis.
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