BETWEEN FOUR JUNCTIONS

Bruce jabs Tim in the ribs, causing him to fall over. Tim subsequently remains quiet.

NICOLE: Thank you, Moderator. If the Scottish National Party were to be elected we would immediately and without hesitation leave the United Kingdom. For too long Scotland has suffered; for too long celebrities have made awful movies about William Wallace and Robert the Bruce, with impunity. But no more! Braveheart and Mel Gibson will be swiftly banned from ever entering Scotland again.

MODERATOR: Well, Mrs Halibut, forgive me for saying, but that seems awfully expensive, how will you pay for it all?

NICOLE: We will fund the Scottish republic off the back of our world renowned fishing industry!

FISH FINGER: Oh you greasy little limpet!

NICOLE: Isn’t a limpet a type of shellfish—

FISH FINGER: Don’t interrupt me! You yammer on about hating Braveheart but you keep shouting “Freedooooom!”, without ever actually leaving! So why don’t you just leave!

Producer brings out “APPLAUD!” sign

NICOLE: Well I’d never really thought about just leaving before. Right! Scotland is now officially independent. Freedooooom!

Nicole leaps up and runs away, exiting stage right.

MODERATOR: Well, that was much easier than expected. Anyways, Mr Fish Finger, you have distinguished yourself above your opponents in this debate, but the question now falls to you. If you are elected, how will you run this country?