The Wrangler October 2011 Edition Roman Numeral Eleven
News in Briefs
Roundup Goes OnlineOnly, Cites Falling Readership
Alumni Service Corps Update: “What? We Don‟t Get Paid!?”
Ms. Lenox Admits to Genetically Modifying New Puppy
Alleged Tech Malfunctions for Football DJ Just Remixes
Suspender Sales Up 3000% after Back-ToSchool Dance
Mr. Danforth Impeached as Head of Young Dems for Driving a Hummer
P.E. Student Disappointed after Realizing He Is Not Going to the Beach
Real. Comfortable. News.
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Special Commentary: Liberation from the Bopp Regime By Nicholas Lydon ‟14 Mr. Bopp, known during his time as Our Glorious Leader, recently stepped down from his Dean of Students throne at the end of last year. He held this powerful position for a mere half decade but left marks on the student body harder to remove than grapes off the Great Hall floor. Countless seniors continue to experience night terrors, screaming out, “SPARE ME FROM ANOTHER JUG!” According to Fred Frighton ’12, he has constant dreams of having to sign the Jug sheet in front of Bopp’s vicious viceroys, Ms. Angus and Ms. Corwin. The frequently used words, “That‟s a JUG,” still bring images of a man with a walkietalkie and a (rightful) distrust of senior shenanigans.
pus. None shall forget the swift action taken to eliminate grapes on campus, a move which severely damaged the Arizona grape industry.
Likewise, many citizens find his bilingual J.U.G. administering to be cruel, especially the French and Mandarin Chinese students. “I don‟t know enough Higgins watches Bopp’s fall with approval. Spanish to know what I did Photo Illustration by Alec Knappenberger ‟13 wrong,” remarked one French student, Franz Lumiere ’12. “I ots. Perhaps Higgins is simply trying told him I was sorry in French, but he As news of his resignation spread, citiassert his power before similar issues zens looked forward to a new and seemjust thought that I surrendered.” arise. Some day, will Brophy students ingly brighter future. But the question look back on the reign of Bopp with nosremains, how bright will the future really Some students speculate these cracktalgia, fondly remembering the days of be? Since the aptly named Deañor Hig- downs are a direct response to last year‟s relative freedom and happiness? Only gins gained power, increased crackdowns May the Fourth in which Bopp’s forces time will tell. have become the day to day norm on cam- were unable to stop the Light Saber Ri-
Ex-Dice Ring Leader Found Smuggling Grapes through Underground Tunnels By Samir Reddy ‟13
After serving two Saturday JUGS without parole, the leader of last year‟s dice ring has struck again. This anonymous outlaw was found smuggling in grapes from Central High School, through the underground tunnels, and into Brophy College Preparatory.
The sophisticated packaging used by the smugglers
The bust shed light on the spillover of grape cartel violence from public schools into Brophy. The new dean, Dean Higgins, promised to prevent Brophy students from being in harm‟s way as he began his reign. In the midst of synchronized clapping and standing, Brophy students learned of addition BS 1070* to the Brophy Student Handbook stat-
ing, “any reasonable suspicion of grape possession warrants a full search,” during orientation. “This grape smuggling bust proves that this new policy allows us to keep grape throwers in public schools,” said Higgins. As for the sentence, the criminal will serve detention at Central by scraping squished grapes off of the ground using only his fingernails. The tunnels will be blocked with unused textbooks and more teachers will be assigned duty in order to prevent the tunnels underneath the canal from being crossed. *Brophy Statute 1070
Debate Over Ping-Pong Table Order Opinion: Sophomores, Juniors Too Escalates; “That Guy” Hogs Paddle Cool to Attend School Events By Chase Hart ‟14 After the 14th deuce of the ingame, students got restless to waiting to play some ping pong, sources close to the AIA reported. While the game progressed student were trying to decide who had next game. Johnny Ace ’14 walked into the room carrying his lunch and screamed “I‟ve I got next “Dude, I totally had next game.” game.” Needless to say things got a bit too violent. Mr. Buthe SAC. The students were gathered chanan, distracted by a senior lunch around the table as reigning champion line full of everyone one except seniors Peter L. Obshott ’12 was in a fierce was unable to keep the peace in the deadlock with freshman Trevor B. SAC. Due to Mr. B’s absence, teachers Akspin ’15. The clear underdog was drew straws to see who would have the Trevor, who was cheered on by fellow honor to keep Brophy‟s best in check. underclassmen as he won the game Unfortunately, Sra. Dominguez drew with a “look over there” trick shot. As short straw and, after becoming puzan epic battle broke out, Mr. Bradley zled as to why to anyone would play unable to subdue the students as he such a “juvenile game”, promptly left to said, “Children settle down!” Mr. Tomgo watch Christiano Rolando miss an- my Smith watched with horror from other penalty. behind his OFJ barrier and seeing the opportunity, he walked into the room, This left a confused Mr. Bradley to grabbed a paddle, and emerged victorifend for himself as he slowly walked ous.
By Henry Miller ‟12 So far this year, Brophy and Xavier have hosted multiple events for students to socialize outside of the classroom. The main attendees of all of the Brophy and Xavier events so far this year have come from the Freshman and Senior classes. For some reason, however, it seems as though many members of the Sophomore and Junior classes have suspiciously been missing.
nalism, Wrangler sources confirmed that the theory posed was correct. Facebook wall posts (Creeping courtesy of the new “creeping tool”) have confirmed that juniors and sophomores have held multiple “ragers” and “kickbacks” on the nights of these prominent events.
When confronted with this evidence one member of the junior class, Jimmy L. This trend was first witnessed at the Axer ’13 said, “Dude, come on, like I‟m Frosh Mixer when Senior Student not gonna go to some lame Brophy Council members noticed a general lack event when I can be chilling with my of sophomores and juniors attempting bros at a party.” to prey on fresh meat. The lack of attendance from the classes of 2013 and This type of attitude amongst the jun2014 was further noticed at the Frosh iors and sophomores seems to be gainRetreat as the attendees were mostly ing prevalence. Student Council seems from the classes of 2012 and 2015. to have realized this as they have utilized some of the techniques that parMany theories as to why the sophoties use to attract guests. Many events mores and juniors have not been prehave been themed, offered free food, sent have been posed. One of these the- and other benefits known to attract adories stands out as the most reasonaolescent teen males. Only time will ble. The juniors and sophomores think tell, however, whether or not the junthey are too cool to attend school iors and sophomores will remain “too events. After some investigative jourcool for school.” Printed on recycled Roundups
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A Nerd’s Night to Remember By Steven Soto ‟13 Nifty suspenders? Check. Spiffy, taped up, black framed glasses? Check. Beauty and the Geek - a fun Xavier dance? Umm… YES! The immediate question would be, of course, “How on earth did Xavier actually pull it off?” Some would say that it was probably a side effect from the sweet dance moves. Because really, what school doesn‟t devote an entire week to learning the intense dance moves from a Beyoncé workout video? With that said, dancing would be nothing without loud, fast-paced music. Xavier‟s Varsity Basketball coach stepped up to the challenge and finally received the chance to express her DJ alter ego - instead of just calling for time-outs during a game. It was probably the scandalous act of offering free water that did the trick. Gee whizz, something had to have gotten to these geeks because they showed the Beauties – about four total – who runs this town. Whatever it was, Xavier Student Council seems to have finally made the right calculations.
Infographic by Alec Knappenberger ’13
Xavier Goes Elizabethan By Jack Welty ‟12 Did you like the Back-to-School Dance? Xavier administration considered the risqué Beauties and downright filthy suspenders and bowties to be much too inappropriate for a high school dance. An immediate change in tone was demanded.
Dr. Samuel E. Ewing IV questioned Xavier‟s decision, fearful that this could cause a rift between Protestant and Catholic members of the student body trying to be as authentic as possible.
However, some versions of these songs might still cause trouble. “I just heard a sick techno remix of William Byrd‟s „Tribulatio Proxima Es‟ (1589), and I can‟t wait for the next Xavier dance,” said Edmund Rogers ’13.
Having run out of more modern themes (the ‟60s and ‟70s containing far too much drug use and everything before the ‟40s deemed too Depressing), Xavier is taking a different approach towards future dances. An announcement was made last week that, until further notice, all upcoming dances would be Elizabethan-themed.
The announcement mentioned concerns over the attire of previous dances, and specifically mentioned that with the new theme, corsets must be covered at all times. Gentleman‟s doublets must extend to the neck and may not, under any circumstances, be unbuttoned. The Sumptuary Laws of 1574 will also be in effect, no freshman/peasant may wear any garment containing velvet, silk or gold.
What exactly is an Elizabethan-themed dance you ask? Queen Elizabeth I reigned from 1558-1603 AD, a time period also known as the English Renaissance, interestingly marked by bloody warfare between the Protestants and the Irish Catholics.
Dancing styles were also a point of contention during previous events. The music styles of the era, The presence of British soldiers/prefects and threats mostly religious hymns and instrumentals of the of exile to Roanoke should be also enough to curb early Baroque period, were deemed not as conducive discipline problems faced at past dances. to inappropriate dancing.
Wrangler Nature Quiz! What kind of bear is this? A. a polar bear B. a grizzly bear C. a black bear D. Mr. Danforth E. all of the above
Other concerns focused on the works of William Shakespeare, who wrote during this period. “So if I‟m „getting down like Romeo and Juliet,‟ will I still get a detention?” asked Leonard Hummel ’12. “I mean, I‟m just trying to recreate an authentic part of the time period‟s entertainment.”
Grow a Moustache for Men’s Health! Next Month, The Wrangler hosts Brophy‟s first campus-wide
Movember!
t No % e! 0 10 ak F
Ms. Clarke on November 1st
Ms. Clarke on November 15th
Ms. Clarke on November 30th
$25.00 student „buy-in‟ fee to participate. Sign up before Nov. 1! Must show up clean shaven! Money will go to raise awareness for testicular & prostate cancer and other men‟s health issues.
You Know You Go to Brophy When...
Answer: NOPE! Chuck Testa
By Rob Cerasa ‟12
Lead Editors: Sean Cahill ‟12 Jack Welty ‟12 Lackeys to the Editors: Rohan Andresen ‟12 Henry Miller ‟12 Kyle Padden ‟12 Peter Scobas ‟12 Steven Soto ‟13 Austin Tymins ‟13
Taxidermist-in-Chief Chuck Testa Moderators: Mr. John Damaso ‟97 Mr. Steve Smith ‟96 The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? wrangler@brophybroncos.org A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2011
•You can share insights about Pokémon and not get beat up
• At least one kid’s Skype noise goes off in class
• Your swim team gets to pre-order their state rings before the season starts
• Your bell tower serves no purpose as a bell tower
• The lunch line for Michael’s can easily be mistaken for a prison riot • Your “easy” senior year is greeted with a 40 page paper • Your student council can open their own bank
• It takes you a half-an-hour to get out of the parking lot on Fridays • You know the boiling point of water • Family Guy clips relate to your lessons
• You can mute the opposing team’s • You’ve jammed to “Glory to God in band from the sound of your DJ the ha-ha-highest” at least once in the shower (you know you have) Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.