The Wrangler October 2011 Edition Roman Numeral Eleven
News in Briefs
Roundup Goes OnlineOnly, Cites Falling Readership
Alumni Service Corps Update: “What? We Don‟t Get Paid!?”
Ms. Lenox Admits to Genetically Modifying New Puppy
Alleged Tech Malfunctions for Football DJ Just Remixes
Suspender Sales Up 3000% after Back-ToSchool Dance
Mr. Danforth Impeached as Head of Young Dems for Driving a Hummer
P.E. Student Disappointed after Realizing He Is Not Going to the Beach
Real. Comfortable. News.
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Special Commentary: Liberation from the Bopp Regime By Nicholas Lydon ‟14 Mr. Bopp, known during his time as Our Glorious Leader, recently stepped down from his Dean of Students throne at the end of last year. He held this powerful position for a mere half decade but left marks on the student body harder to remove than grapes off the Great Hall floor. Countless seniors continue to experience night terrors, screaming out, “SPARE ME FROM ANOTHER JUG!” According to Fred Frighton ’12, he has constant dreams of having to sign the Jug sheet in front of Bopp’s vicious viceroys, Ms. Angus and Ms. Corwin. The frequently used words, “That‟s a JUG,” still bring images of a man with a walkietalkie and a (rightful) distrust of senior shenanigans.
pus. None shall forget the swift action taken to eliminate grapes on campus, a move which severely damaged the Arizona grape industry.
Likewise, many citizens find his bilingual J.U.G. administering to be cruel, especially the French and Mandarin Chinese students. “I don‟t know enough Higgins watches Bopp’s fall with approval. Spanish to know what I did Photo Illustration by Alec Knappenberger ‟13 wrong,” remarked one French student, Franz Lumiere ’12. “I ots. Perhaps Higgins is simply trying told him I was sorry in French, but he As news of his resignation spread, citiassert his power before similar issues zens looked forward to a new and seemjust thought that I surrendered.” arise. Some day, will Brophy students ingly brighter future. But the question look back on the reign of Bopp with nosremains, how bright will the future really Some students speculate these cracktalgia, fondly remembering the days of be? Since the aptly named Deañor Hig- downs are a direct response to last year‟s relative freedom and happiness? Only gins gained power, increased crackdowns May the Fourth in which Bopp’s forces time will tell. have become the day to day norm on cam- were unable to stop the Light Saber Ri-
Ex-Dice Ring Leader Found Smuggling Grapes through Underground Tunnels By Samir Reddy ‟13
After serving two Saturday JUGS without parole, the leader of last year‟s dice ring has struck again. This anonymous outlaw was found smuggling in grapes from Central High School, through the underground tunnels, and into Brophy College Preparatory.
The sophisticated packaging used by the smugglers
The bust shed light on the spillover of grape cartel violence from public schools into Brophy. The new dean, Dean Higgins, promised to prevent Brophy students from being in harm‟s way as he began his reign. In the midst of synchronized clapping and standing, Brophy students learned of addition BS 1070* to the Brophy Student Handbook stat-
ing, “any reasonable suspicion of grape possession warrants a full search,” during orientation. “This grape smuggling bust proves that this new policy allows us to keep grape throwers in public schools,” said Higgins. As for the sentence, the criminal will serve detention at Central by scraping squished grapes off of the ground using only his fingernails. The tunnels will be blocked with unused textbooks and more teachers will be assigned duty in order to prevent the tunnels underneath the canal from being crossed. *Brophy Statute 1070
Debate Over Ping-Pong Table Order Opinion: Sophomores, Juniors Too Escalates; “That Guy” Hogs Paddle Cool to Attend School Events By Chase Hart ‟14 After the 14th deuce of the ingame, students got restless to waiting to play some ping pong, sources close to the AIA reported. While the game progressed student were trying to decide who had next game. Johnny Ace ’14 walked into the room carrying his lunch and screamed “I‟ve I got next “Dude, I totally had next game.” game.” Needless to say things got a bit too violent. Mr. Buthe SAC. The students were gathered chanan, distracted by a senior lunch around the table as reigning champion line full of everyone one except seniors Peter L. Obshott ’12 was in a fierce was unable to keep the peace in the deadlock with freshman Trevor B. SAC. Due to Mr. B’s absence, teachers Akspin ’15. The clear underdog was drew straws to see who would have the Trevor, who was cheered on by fellow honor to keep Brophy‟s best in check. underclassmen as he won the game Unfortunately, Sra. Dominguez drew with a “look over there” trick shot. As short straw and, after becoming puzan epic battle broke out, Mr. Bradley zled as to why to anyone would play unable to subdue the students as he such a “juvenile game”, promptly left to said, “Children settle down!” Mr. Tomgo watch Christiano Rolando miss an- my Smith watched with horror from other penalty. behind his OFJ barrier and seeing the opportunity, he walked into the room, This left a confused Mr. Bradley to grabbed a paddle, and emerged victorifend for himself as he slowly walked ous.
By Henry Miller ‟12 So far this year, Brophy and Xavier have hosted multiple events for students to socialize outside of the classroom. The main attendees of all of the Brophy and Xavier events so far this year have come from the Freshman and Senior classes. For some reason, however, it seems as though many members of the Sophomore and Junior classes have suspiciously been missing.
nalism, Wrangler sources confirmed that the theory posed was correct. Facebook wall posts (Creeping courtesy of the new “creeping tool”) have confirmed that juniors and sophomores have held multiple “ragers” and “kickbacks” on the nights of these prominent events.
When confronted with this evidence one member of the junior class, Jimmy L. This trend was first witnessed at the Axer ’13 said, “Dude, come on, like I‟m Frosh Mixer when Senior Student not gonna go to some lame Brophy Council members noticed a general lack event when I can be chilling with my of sophomores and juniors attempting bros at a party.” to prey on fresh meat. The lack of attendance from the classes of 2013 and This type of attitude amongst the jun2014 was further noticed at the Frosh iors and sophomores seems to be gainRetreat as the attendees were mostly ing prevalence. Student Council seems from the classes of 2012 and 2015. to have realized this as they have utilized some of the techniques that parMany theories as to why the sophoties use to attract guests. Many events mores and juniors have not been prehave been themed, offered free food, sent have been posed. One of these the- and other benefits known to attract adories stands out as the most reasonaolescent teen males. Only time will ble. The juniors and sophomores think tell, however, whether or not the junthey are too cool to attend school iors and sophomores will remain “too events. After some investigative jourcool for school.” Printed on recycled Roundups