The Wrangler, No. 12

The Wrangler November 2011 Edition Roman Numeral Twelve

News in Briefs 

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Brophy ends agreement with Saks Fifth Avenue, signs G-Unit as future Brophy Fashion Show sponsor

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Real. Comfortable. News.

Occupy Brophy Protest Gaining Strength

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By Austin Tymins ’13 The Occupy protests sweeping the nation finally arrived on cam- “I drank too many of those concrete mixers and lost my job at pus last week, as confirmed by The Wrangler informant Boston Culver’s,” said one student. “I can’t seem to land another job in Kimmins ’13. this terrible economy.”

Deañor implements “Spanish Only” rule.

Estámos confusedido

Though its arrival was considered inevitable, the ferocity has caught many faculty members by surprise. The Occupy Brophy movement, or the “Ignatian Shake-Down”, has widespread popular support within the student body.

Mr. John Buchanan made several arrests last week on the more vocal protesters. In one instance, the secret tear gas usually released on cold days near the Freeman Arch was fired upon the indignant students. 33 protesters were arrested and given Saturday JUGs, including the entire Young Democrats Club and Poor economic conditions and class inequality were cited most the OFJ staff. Though the cost of overtime police-work is only frequently as major contributing factors. With slogans like "We $3.25, Brophy administration plans to recuperate its losses at are the 75%,” freshmen, sophomores, and juniors plan to level the Power Breakfast next spring. the playing field by occupying the senior line at Michael’s.

“It is our Ignatian duty to stand in solidarity with the protestUnprecedented 93% student unemployment leads many experts ers,” said Mr. Tim Broyles. to assume there is no definitive end in sight for the protests.

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Brophy opens stray cat pet academy in unused 3rd floor Eller choir closet

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Students were surprised to learn that entire Mass was conducted over PA system

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Quiz Bowl voted “club with the least real-world application”

Are You Siri-ous?

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“Wrangler not that funny,” according to Roundup staff member

Here are some things Brophy students are asking the new Siri iPhone application:

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Wrangler Staff Opinion: “Roundup as unbiased as Fox News”

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Brophy Student Council buys ad in Super Bowl XLVI “just for the heck of it.”

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New immersion trip to Xavier sheds light onto oppressive regime and stark social injustice

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Dean’s office reports early onset of Senioritis

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Scientists discover water actually boils at 213 degrees, Heideman gives up

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Mr. Ryan loses hand in light-saber fight, mankind breathes sigh of relief

By Charlie Sturr ’13

Wrangler Photo Caption Contest!

Come up with a funny caption for the photo below, and see your headline appear in the next edition!

Email ideas to: wrangler@brophybroncos.org

Brophy to Release “Teachers of 2012” Calendar

By Henry Miller ’12, Kyle Padden ’12 The first annual “Promiscuous Professors” calendar is due to go on sale in the Varsity Shop on Monday.

Damaso Caught Dealing Testosterone Boosters to Increase Movember Participation

By Peter Scobas ’12 On Friday of Brophy security discovered that Mr. John Damaso ’97 orchestrated a drugdealing ring that involved massive amounts of testosterone boosters and a large supply of Rogaine Foam, narcotics desk reporter, Heath Bender ‘11 confirmed.

Suspicion from the administration started when kids began reporting symptoms of Rogaine poisoning. “We grew worried when our Loyola Scholars came to school looking like a Mr. Buchanan who had been stranded on a deserted island for 12 years,” remarked principal Mr. Bob Ryan.

Enacting a full-fledged investigation, Brophy determined that Athletic Trainer Mr. Chris

White and Yoga Instructor Mr. Damaso had been leading the operation from the start.

Mr. White was charged with administering Rogaine and testosterone boosters to minors, while Mr. Damaso was charged with possession and the intent to sell boosters and Rogaine Foam.

“Growing up during the Crack Epidemic of the late ‘80s, I was so used to the culture. I just couldn’t help it, man,” replied Mr. Damaso, tearful after his conviction.

It is still unclear how the ring worked, but a sting operation uncovered that large amounts of the drugs were exchanged during KBI trips.

The calendar will feature teachers from all the different faculty departments, according to Brophy senior Mr. Matt Williams ’12. The faculty, under the direction of first-year physics teacher Mr. Zach Widbin, decided a calendar would be a great way to fundraise money for Movember, which promotes awareness of men’s health issues.

“We used to do this when I played lacrosse at Harvard as a way to raise money for the team,” said Mr. Widbin, who was Mr. April 2003.

With the calendar set to go public on Monday, The Wrangler was given an exclusive sneak peek.

Highlights of the photos include members of the Spanish department, Mr. Andy Schmidbauer and Mr. Chris Ramsey, dressed as Telenovela actors holding roses and wearing shirts only halfway buttoned up.

Another great photo was of science instructors Mr. Mike Welty, Mr. Widbin, and Mr. Andy Mazzolini wearing nothing but Speedos and lab coats.

English teachers Mr. Tom Danforth ’99 and Mr. Chad Unrein had, by far, the best outfits as they were dressed as “suggestive Shakespeares.”

The common theme of the pictures used in the calendar are the “dirty peach fuzz” moustaches sported by all the participants in order to raise awareness for Movember.

“I’m just glad I could finally partially follow my childhood dream of being a male model,” said Mr. Schmidbauer.

The calendar will be sold in the Varsity Shop for $5 on Monday with a possible donation to the relief efforts in Pompeii.

Printed on recycled Roundups

The Flip Side

Wrangler Editorial Rundown: Powder Puff 2011

Movember Mustache Contest

By Henry Miller ’12, Jack Welty ’12, Kyle Padden ’12 Just when you thought the world of women’s football could not become even more widely spread, Xavier Powder Puff 2011 arrived on the scene. Our on-the-field The Wrangler-ites reported a record number of dropped passes and angry parents, as the seniors raced to their third-straight victory.

lowed unconditional access to the sideline as they continued on with their hallucinogenic homage to Hunter S. Thompson.

The many senior coaches on the sidelines were continuously badgered by the competitive players for more playing time.

To ensure credibly and quality information that are adhere to Accusations that only the pretty girls were playing filled the The Wrangler’s standards, we dispatched some of our own to air with malice and jealousy. One unnamed coach was salacover this momentous event. ciously accused of exchanging playing time for phone numbers. However, the vast majority of “players” appeared more worried about their sideline photos that they would presumaThe group of young doctorates of journalism brazenly strode bly upload to their “Powder Puff Oh ‘11: NO REGRETZZZ” onto the field on the blustery fall evening. They walked past the security guard, with an inflated sense of self-importance, album. a not-yet-diagnosed Napoleonic complex, and home-made press passes to cover the Powder Puff Football game, the big- The game itself was one decided by the intense preparation gest sporting event since the famed Mint 500. After last and dedication of the senior side. Coach Jaqued Stammers year’s X chromosome infused thriller, the buildup to this epic ’12 attributed their success to the off season bench press prowas intense. gram, as well as the expertise of their new supplement guru, who is rumored to be a descendant of Coronado royalty.

They walked in armed with little more than their cellphones Dracula Dreamer ’12 conversely believed the key was “tying the flags on” instead of merely using Velcro. All in all to record interviews, wits, a handful of peyote, and their homemade security passes to get past the added security pre- the game was marked by elaborate hand-offs, wobbly ten yard passes, and passionate fans and angry parents more cautions for the Super Bowl of Central Phoenix Parochial School Women’s Football, Xavier division. After failing to be loyal than Penn State students. trapped by the badgering security questions, they were al-

Grow your way to fame, prizes, and glory.

Mr. Fred Garner Seen Fighting for Libyan Rebels

By Austin Tymins ’13 Last spring, Mr. Fred Garner supposedly left Brophy to go teach in Kenya while doing missionary work. He had the whole school duped until he was caught on CNN celebrating with the victorious Libyan rebels, claimed an avid TV watcher.

The Ghaddafi administration’s mounting bureaucracy will soon be forgotten as Mr. Garner now uses Google Forms and Excel spreadsheets to collect taxes and conduct a census.

“I can now pay taxes from anywhere as long as I have an Internet connection,” Mr. Garner has emerged as the most said one enamored citizen. “My tax repowerful leader in the Libyan Transi- turn can be submitted from my iPhone tional Council and has met with Presi- while I herd the goats.” dent Obama on several occasions. He is loved by the Libyan people who call him The respected leader of National Honor ‫( الجبن الرأ‬roughly translated “The Society at Brophy will continue his philCheesehead”). February 27 will be cele- anthropic work with the recently creatbrated at National Revolutionary Day, ed Libyan Honor Society. He plans to and all citizens will be required to wear merge the LHS with Brophy’s Padre cheesehead hats.

Kino chapter sometime in the near future.

A citizen commented on the new law, “The orange color of his cheesehead is The Libyan National Soccer team will unusual. Our goat cheeseheads have a have green and yellow as official colors much lighter hue.” and will now be called the Tripoli Packers.

Brophy’s Emergency Response Plan Unequipped for Tornado Disaster

By Alec Knappenberger ’13, Peter Scobas ’12 sponse plan has recently been criticized for its lack of preparedness in the event of a tornado. Explained as “just go to the parking lot,” the safety procedure has been successful in the past, espeLoosely based off of the children's game, cially during the infamous Fahrenheit The Floor is Lava, Brophy’s safety plan 451 book burning incident of 2007. has been considered rock-solid for some time. It was the brainchild of Michael Now up for review, there is no formal D. Brown, and was adapted to Brophy announcement about what the new reby Mr. B, as he left his 15-year stint sponse plan will entail, but speculation with FEMA working under Mr. Brown from Mr. Tom Danforth ’99 tells that until a 2005 incident. it will not involve stairs.

Rebel supporter of Mr. Garner and the Revolution, seen in full military dress. He is holding a cheese spreader while his friend (bottom left) is carrying a “kickback” Coca-Cola bottle.

Bopp Tenaciously Recalls Days as Dean, Ignores his Exile

By Peter Scobas ’12

Recently, Brophy’s Emergency Response Plan has taken heat from critics for its seeming inability to combat a tornado disaster.

In August of this year, Mr. Patrick cated side, but I think it’s really the Higgins replaced Mr. Jim Bopp for Kurt Cobain hair that I was missing the position of Dean of Students. during my stint as Dean.”

Originally described being “as air-tight as the Michael’s senior line,” the re-

Beat out by Mr. Higgins at the annual “Dean Olympics” this summer in breathtaking Avondale, Arizona, Mr. Bopp lost the crown and consequently his reign as Brophy’s Dean. “It was heartbreaking,” Mr. Bopp told reporters, “All I can say is that it hurts. It hurts, man.” With a strong showing this summer, Mr. Higgins was thrust into the Dean position and has held strong this first semester.

Lead Editors Peter Scobas ’12 Rohan Andresen ’12 Lackeys to the Editors Sean Cahill ’12 Steven Soto ’13 Austin Tymins ’13 Jack Welty ’12 Kyle Padden ’12 Henry Miller ’12 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96

Treasurers Bernie and Ruth Madoff

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors.

Interested? wrangler@brophybroncos.org

It has been said that Mr. Bopp still walks around Brophy trying to hand out JUGs, which the students and faculty find cute. “I generally just pretend to listen to Bopp when he tells me to cut my hair,” recalls one student, “It’s adorable how he still goes around trying to give out JUGs.”

But back in the Dean’s Office, it was Mrs. Debbie Corwin who discussed how they had to change all the locks to “I’ve been training for a while. I know I Higgins’s new office. “Jim still tried to can go out and perform, it’s all about go in extra early to sit at the desk and putting the team on my back,” said Mr. pretend he was Dean. Poor guy, he’s Higgins after the medal ceremony. having a hard time acknowledging defeat.”

In a recent interview with Mr. Bopp, he discussed his new look. “I feel like Grief counselors refused to leak any my Rainbow sandals and Bermuda information to Wrangler correspondshorts are more my style. My Chuck ents.

Norris-esque beard shows my sophisti-

A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2011 Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.