The Wrangler, No. 13

The Wrangler December 2011 Edition Roman Numeral Thirteen

News in Briefs 

Morgan Freeman hired to narrate daily examen

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Mr. Cullen returning to Brophy after rugby lockout

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Argentina exchange students to stay for duration of soccer season

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Skyrim introduction directly related to school-wide drop in GPA

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Jason Evert author of no books according to new "book" definition After fashion show, Father Reese inspired to restart male-modeling career Quidditch now intramural sport after well-received Potter musical Danceforth causes Blackbox to hit maximum capacity with “handclaps” and “swagger”

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Real. Comfortable. News.

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Coach Heideman’s Pokémon addiction discovered through LAN School

By Austin Tymins ’13 and Griffen Tymins ’14 Dean Higgins gave out his first ICU for a faculty member last week with the help of LAN school, a computer monitoring program mandatory for all students next year.

Coach Heideman was finally caught playing Pokémon White Version during Health class after many unsubstantiated reports.

This comes as no surprise to freshmen in that class, who had previously thought they were in a gaming study hall. “Every day we just play N game all period. I had no idea health was an actual class,” said Kevin Johnson ’15.

As punishment, Brophy administration is requiring Coach Heideman to spend his free periods in K13 listening to painful heavy metal music.

“I just downloaded some sick Black Sabbath albums. Hopefully Coach will enjoy his punishment as much as I will!” said Mr. Pettit.

Coach Heideman was not nearly as excit-

ed as Mr. Pettit. “It’s such a shame they found me now, just when my Charmeleon was at level 35. He was only one level away from evolving into Charizard. I was starting to think that I had a legitimate chance at the Elite 4 tournament, but then the Brophy administration ruined my Pokédreams.”

with Mrs. Parise. “I’ve seen gaming addictions of all kinds, but this addiction appears to be nearly unbreakable. Every time I ask him to stop playing Pokémon, he tells me to do 25.”

Of course, Heideman’s favorite pokémon is Machamp, known for his large muscles and strength against leaf pokémon.

Student reaction was swift. “He stopped playing Pandora during class and started playing some new tunes that were terrible and repetitive.” said Boston Kimmons ’13. “Turns out it was just that annoying Pokémon soundtrack that everyone hates.

Well, everyone except Herman Cain”.

Coach believed that LAN school stood for “Live Action-gaming Network” and thought he could share his progress online with friends. Dean Higgins didn’t seem as interested in following his game progress.

Administration is requiring him to attend gaming addiction counseling sessions

Above: a cartoon found in Heideman’s personal OneNote diary

Movember leads to awful student facial hair

By Chase Stevens ’12 During the month of November, a new record was set for the number of students at Brophy College Preparatory who had disgusting facial hair. The charity drive “Movember” (also known as No Girl November) caused the abundance of peach fuzz on campus. While Movember did raise nearly $6,000 for prostate cancer research, some worry that the ends did not justify the means.

“We did raise money for charity, and that’s good,” said Gerrard Brown ’13. “I’m just not so sure that it was worth the month of nauseating moustaches around campus.”

Connor Smith ’12 was one of the few students who decided to try and grow out a beard instead of a ‘stache.

“Yeah, I had a sick neck beard going on,” Smith said. “Then my friends told me that there was no such thing as a ‘sick neck beard’. That’s when I decided to shave.”

A few underclassmen signed up, like Joe Williams ’15, a freshman, who attempted to grow a moustache during the month of November.

“Oh, dude, my moustache was so good. I had at least three dark hairs! My mom said I could pass as Tom Selleck,” Williams said.

Mr. John Buchanan, who has a moustache regardless of the month, showed pity on the young ’stache growers.

“See, they don’t know the secret of growing a manly moustache,” Buchanan said. “First off, you have to groom it every day. An unkempt moustache is a bad moustache.”

“Finally, you have to go out into the wilderness and wrestle four bears. Once you have defeated them in hand to hand combat, you yell ‘I VANQUISH MY FOES FOR THE GREATER GLORY OF THE SUN GOD!’ At least, that’s what I did to grow my moustache.”

Freshmanitis: The Overlooked Disease

By Sean Cahill ’12 At an emergency meeting, The Future Physicians Club released news of a rare strain of disease that has been infecting the Brophy students aged fourteen to fifteen. The disease has been dubbed Freshmanitis. Somewhat similar to Senioritis, the disease shows symptoms such as lack of attention in class and underestimating difficulty of assignments but that is where the similarities end.

Freshmanitis not only infects the student, but it also infects the student’s Tablet PC, corrupting both to the very core. A recent survey by the FPC yielded troubling results.

After being asked what it was like to come down with such an ailment, a freshman by the name of Al Waysbee Gamun ’15 said, “Sometimes, I’ll be in class, being 100% on task as usual, and then in the middle of working on my Biology lab write-up, suddenly N Game will just pop up out of nowhere, completely against my will!”

Poll: Are you going to the Christmas Dance?

Another student named Vance D. Plasement ’15 said, “I don’t get why everybody is making Brophy homework sound like a big deal. I mean, come on, I got all A’s and B’s in 8th grade! I’m way too smart for everything!”

Other symptoms of Freshmanitis include a desire to spend all free time in the halls of Piper or in the SAC. Infected Freshmen are attracted to the smell of ping pong, and often race to claim their space in line to play.

Opinions from upperclassmen seem to be unanimous: Freshmanitis is making our new Brophy brothers way too pretentious and entitled. However, most students don’t feel worried about it spreading over time, due to the disease’s extreme weakness to other sicknesses that will come later in their Brophy career, such as “Tablet Remorse,” “Post Weight Training Depression,” and “Senior Synth Guilt.”

47% No.

Above: A little hair can say a lot about a man.

Chase Stevens ’12 sporting a modified fu-man-chu

Student body up in arms over Bill Gates presentation

By Peter Scobas ’12 Earlier this week, Microsoft President Bill Gates talked to Brophy students and faculty about technology from a Windows perspective, as reported by Wrangler correspondent Mack N. Tosh ’13. It wasn’t so much the speech that caused all the controversy. After the talk, Mr. Gates handed out pamphlets giving his take on technology, specifically from a Windows perspective.

ferent. As one Xavier sophomore noted, “I heard Xavier is throwing out all the Apple computers and replacing them with Windows,” and she went on to say how “annoyed” and “offended” she was over the Bill Gates controversy at Brophy.

Brophy students are continuing to say that the actual speech by Bill Gates was not the issue. “I was almost in tears when Mr. Gates talked In the pamphlets he discussed how about his own computer,” remarked Apple computers had half the lifeone Brophy junior, “He said how his expectancy of normal Windows comown computer was originally an IBM puters, and they were also 70% more computer, but he fixed it up and put likely to get a virus. In the little book- Windows 95 in it, and to him it was lets, titled “Pure Microsoft,” he gave basically good as new.” On a related his viewpoint describing how Apple note, there was no reaction to Mr. computers can be changed to run Gates’ discussion about the inferioriWindows programs. One such compa- ty of the iPod in relation to the Zune, ny that helps to “fix” these computers other than a slight chuckle from the is called Exodus International, a sub- crowd. section of the Geek Squad.

Written from my iPhone Xavier also had Bill Gates speak; however, the response was much dif-

33% Xavier dance?

20% Is Ramsey going? (yes) Then I’m not going.

Printed on recycled Roundups

The Flip Side

By Sean Cahill ’12 and Alec Knappenberger ‘13

Word to the Wise “Chased”

Mr. B enacts pepper spray policy

By Charlie Sturr ‘13 Following the recent police brutality with pepper spray, much of the country was outraged. They watched as the “innocent” protesters were given a healthy shower of pepper spray. In the midst of controversy, Mr. John Buchanan immediately saw an opportunity. Drawing inspiration from the officers, he ordered fifty cases of the fiery concoction.

“The campus has never looked better,” said Dean Higgins, “Students who had become accustomed to skirting the rules quickly found out why pepper spray is such a popular choice when dealing with unruly rioters.”

Ever since this policy came into effect, tardies have decreased by fifty percent, and littering JUGs have almost disappeared. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, recently experienced the fiery wrath when he brought grapes in his lunch bag, and accidentally dropped one on the ground. “It was everywhere” he said, “I still have nightmares about the burning. I’ll never eat a grape again.”

The biggest change was seen in the line for food. Hundreds of underclassmen each day thought they could sneak by Mr. B and get into the senior line, but they were in for a rude awakening. This is a small price to pay for order. One step at a time, Brophy is cracking down on seemingly harmless offences.

Administration raid leads to capture of illegal mustache growers

By Alexander Khan ’13 Early Wednesday morning, five members of the infamous upper lip cartel were captured during an administration raid according to Wrangler correspondents. Along with the capture of the cartel members, tens of mustaches, with a street value of upwards of 16.7 million dollars, were seized by the Higgins Administration.

In early November, the administration was tipped off by a student who prefers to go by the name “Deep Larynx ’13”to the fact that there had been ten million bottles of Rogaine delivered to the basement of Romley. At first, administration officials believed that this was just part of the regular shipment of supplies to Brophy, but, when abnormally large mustaches started appearing on the faces of students, the administration “knew something was up.”

Mr. Tom Danforth ’78, who led the raid, said Friday, “These students had been hiding down in the rooms under Romley for months growing their mustaches. They were only after one thing, the Movember prize money.”

At 7:30 Wednesday morning, Mr. Danforth and the elite Brophy Mustache Brigade rammed down the entrance to Keating, much to the surprise of the counselors. Mr. Danforth led the charge down the stairs and arrested the mustache growers. Fortunately no one was hurt. According to administration officials, this was the largest capture of illegal mustache growers in Brophy’s history since the infamous Moustache Riots of 1967 which ended in eighteen arrests.

The leader of the upper lip cartel was with them as well, helping to print fake Movember cards and passes to the pool on the gym roof. He ,unfortunately, was not apprehended. The administration was not disappointed over this fact, and the mood was in fact celebratory.

In a press conference Saturday, Mr. Danforth concluded, “Justice was served… and it was delicious.”

No MisbeXavior: Ridiculous rules of our sister school

By Chase Bishov ’14 Some call it Shutter Island, others claim it’s where Mr. Middlemist’s ’87 “Deductions” came from; even Coach Galante tremors in fear at its very mention.

Once, an audacious Brophy scholar attempted to infiltrate its corridors. Fragments of his body were found in the Michael’s chicken nuggets a week later.

Above: Mr. B barricades the Michael’s entrance while punishing Yash Patel ’15 for using the Senior line illegally Editors Austin Tymins ’13 Steven Soto ’13 Sub-Editors Peter Scobas ’12 Jack Welty ’12 Rohan Andreson ’12 Sean Cahill ’12 Kyle Padden ’12 Henry Miller ’12 Capital of Azerbaijan Baku

Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email: Wrangler@brophybroncos.org

We know it as Xavier. This two-toned (if you count different shades of tan) concrete prison lives by and enforces the rules that give the school its notorious reputation. As the winter temperatures begin to plummet, Xavier’s teachers have yet another chance to reinvigorate their method of ruthless intolerant discipline. This week’s Christmas Dance will be their opportunity.

“nun fun”, Xavier has completely transformed the philosophy of this year’s dance.

The dance’s theme is “Under the Mistletoe.” Before entering into the event, teachers will be escorting couples to their designated mistletoes for a required kiss. One Xavier teacher had this to say: “In years past, students have been penalized for showing their physical affection.” He added, “Not this year!”

Another teacher noted, “Every year that happens. We see a severe drop in male attendance; no one knows why.” Also, the dress code will be relaxed, allowing the students to “express their individuality.”

The final rule is that teachers will not be inside the dance to monitor conduct. With Anticipation for the dance is at its all-time these new rules, Xavier is preparing for a high… you know it’s going to be good when full house...or not. none of the freshmen even plan on attending. Except this year is going to be different, in effort to drop the dance’s nickname,

Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.