The Wrangler June 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Seventeen: Summer
News in Briefs
Mr. Grindey caught teaching summer jazzercise class: charged with use of unauthorized sweatbands
AP Biology students defy “YOLO” by cloning one of Mrs. Lenox’s horses
Pool on the roof opens early this summer for incoming freshmen
Ms. Dennard excited to introduce new “hourly bulletins”
Retinal scanners for Senior line access now mandatory
Dean’s Office prepared for “logistical dilemma” due to lack of Student IDs at Frosh Mixer
Real. Comfortable. News.
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Senior prank threat level moved from green to red By Alec Knappenberger ’13 Now that the regular school year has ended and the tyrannous Class of 2012 has graduated, the Brophy administration can finally sleep at night without constant nightmares of sand-filled staircases and blocked off staircases. In response to the surge of “tomfoolery”, Mr. Patrick Higgins has officially raised the Senior Prank Threat Assessment Level, or SPTAL, from Green to Red. The last time the SPTAL was raised to Red was in the spring of last year, immediately after the words, “Class of 2011” were written in the concrete outside the Info Commons. This was considered to be “an act of severe desecration.”
two-part plan aimed at putting an end to the “senior prank” for good.
Stage one of the project was to drastically increase the disciplinary measures given for senior pranks. Any student found guilty of committing a prank will now be forced to appear before the Disciplinary Review Board where he will either be deemed innocent or, if not, assigned a minimum of fifteen Saturday JUGs and a one-point subtraction from his GPA. Stage two of the War on Pranks focuses on preventing any further hi-jinks. This stage has been described as far more drastic, as Mr. Buchanan himself is expected to out-smart future pranksters by hoodwinking them first. The new Recently, the administration has taken strategy, called “The Faculty Already Did many precautionary measures to ensure a It” seeks to deflate future seniors of any campus free of impromptu lightsaber hopes they have of originality, thus endfights and other shenanigans of the like. ing the prank before it even takes place. These increases in security came shortly after the Campus Security Team, which These new policies, of course, are chalincludes Mr. Buchanan and his golf cart, lenged by the upcoming seniors that officially declared a campus-wide War on make up the Class of 2013. Wrangler Pranks. This declaration of war, which is staff close with these students report that said to be the school’s largest donor fundplanning to out-smart the system has ed project since the Sports Complex, is a
already taken place this summer. We can only hope that our faculty’s steadfast dedication to a calmer campus will be able to overpower the horrible nature of the senior prank.
Infographic By Austin Tymins ’13
History of JUGs By Jackson Bentley ’13 and Steven Soto ’13 “What are they?” inquires a young freshman. A slight voice crack accentuates his youthful fervor. What many freshmen don’t understand is that JUGs have grown and changed since their first implementation in 1928. Any upperclassmen will gladly tell you, but to save you the embarrassment and perhaps increase your chances with women, Wrangler staff has taken the liberty of writing down every recorded JUG punishment given at Brophy since 1928. For you upperclassmen, this will be a great refresher!
1952 - Now reopened as a high school, Brophy orders JUG students to pick up donations from Santa Clara on foot.
Important dates in the History of JUG
1995 - Students required to scrub outside sidewalks with toothbrushes, as faculty shouted out tips from afar.
1928 - Students are ordered to carry jugs of water around as they go from class to class. The punishment gradually becomes obsolete as students begin to drink the water so as to alleviate the weight.
Brophy’s first ever JUG
1965 - Students are ordered to construct and provide provisions for a nuclear bomb shelter on the campus. The entrance is rumored to be just outside the weight room. 1976 - These JUG recipients were never heard from again. Their fate is a closely guarded secret kept quiet by the Dean’s Office.
2006 - With the new Tablet PC Program introduced, students were required to shred old books with the motto “Who needs ‘em anyway?”
1934– Students are forced to dig deep, deep trenches 2011: Students are seen picking up Archie’s poop, after (which led to the creation of the Information Commons) as they had hand-washed Father Reese’s golf cart. they desperately try to uncover gold to avoid The Great Depression shutting school down.
Brophy freshman carried off by Fr. Reese’s dogs By Alexander Khan ’13 Father Reese’s dogs, known to students as Croissant and Cannoli, have become a common sight for many students around campus during break and lunch periods. Until recently, it has become normal for these dogs to come up to students for a simple scratch behind the ear or to attempt to make part of their lunch a quick snack. Leaked reports however surmise an event that might encourage students to take extra precautions next time they walk outside. These reports describe students that watched in horror as the dogs teamed up and grabbed a small freshman and carried him off. One horrified student, who requested that his name not be mentioned, said that the dogs had been looking for food all day but could not find any. Michael Zpete ’15, the victim of the attack, was a freshman who had regularly and successfully denied the dogs food from his lunch
previously. Brophy’s summer Algebra I class has estimated that Michael will be enough food to keep these dogs satisfied for at least a week. Self-proclaimed, expert and “dogologist” Tom Danforth ’78 told The Wrangler, “These dogs will strike again. Once they get their first taste it will be hard for them to stop.” Unfortunately, these dogs are still on the run. Brophy officials at a press conference yesterday mentioned that efforts are underway to try and lure these dogs back into captivity. Father Reese explained to Wrangler staff in a recent interview, “My dogs will be hard to catch, but they’ll come back in a week or so. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened nor will it be the last.” Head of Brophy’s surreptitious crime division, Mr. McShane ’82, in a recent telephone interview announced
that the younger member of the pack, “Croissant,” had been captured. However, the atmosphere is still tense at Brophy; many students have decided to carry laser pointers to distract the dogs with the hopes of a quick escape. Students hope that this attack will be the last.
Right: A freshman cowers in fear at the sight of Fr. Reese’s dog, Waffles Photo By Austin Tymins ’13
Printed on recycled Roundups