The Wrangler, No. 17 by Brophy Literary & Arts Magazine

The Wrangler June 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Seventeen: Summer

News in Briefs 

Mr. Grindey caught teaching summer jazzercise class: charged with use of unauthorized sweatbands

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AP Biology students defy “YOLO” by cloning one of Mrs. Lenox’s horses

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Pool on the roof opens early this summer for incoming freshmen

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Ms. Dennard excited to introduce new “hourly bulletins”

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Retinal scanners for Senior line access now mandatory

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Dean’s Office prepared for “logistical dilemma” due to lack of Student IDs at Frosh Mixer

Real. Comfortable. News.

e Su Rel m iab m le er T D ha an n ce Th e

Senior prank threat level moved from green to red By Alec Knappenberger ’13 Now that the regular school year has ended and the tyrannous Class of 2012 has graduated, the Brophy administration can finally sleep at night without constant nightmares of sand-filled staircases and blocked off staircases. In response to the surge of “tomfoolery”, Mr. Patrick Higgins has officially raised the Senior Prank Threat Assessment Level, or SPTAL, from Green to Red. The last time the SPTAL was raised to Red was in the spring of last year, immediately after the words, “Class of 2011” were written in the concrete outside the Info Commons. This was considered to be “an act of severe desecration.”

two-part plan aimed at putting an end to the “senior prank” for good.

Stage one of the project was to drastically increase the disciplinary measures given for senior pranks. Any student found guilty of committing a prank will now be forced to appear before the Disciplinary Review Board where he will either be deemed innocent or, if not, assigned a minimum of fifteen Saturday JUGs and a one-point subtraction from his GPA. Stage two of the War on Pranks focuses on preventing any further hi-jinks. This stage has been described as far more drastic, as Mr. Buchanan himself is expected to out-smart future pranksters by hoodwinking them first. The new Recently, the administration has taken strategy, called “The Faculty Already Did many precautionary measures to ensure a It” seeks to deflate future seniors of any campus free of impromptu lightsaber hopes they have of originality, thus endfights and other shenanigans of the like. ing the prank before it even takes place. These increases in security came shortly after the Campus Security Team, which These new policies, of course, are chalincludes Mr. Buchanan and his golf cart, lenged by the upcoming seniors that officially declared a campus-wide War on make up the Class of 2013. Wrangler Pranks. This declaration of war, which is staff close with these students report that said to be the school’s largest donor fundplanning to out-smart the system has ed project since the Sports Complex, is a

already taken place this summer. We can only hope that our faculty’s steadfast dedication to a calmer campus will be able to overpower the horrible nature of the senior prank.

Infographic By Austin Tymins ’13

History of JUGs By Jackson Bentley ’13 and Steven Soto ’13 “What are they?” inquires a young freshman. A slight voice crack accentuates his youthful fervor. What many freshmen don’t understand is that JUGs have grown and changed since their first implementation in 1928. Any upperclassmen will gladly tell you, but to save you the embarrassment and perhaps increase your chances with women, Wrangler staff has taken the liberty of writing down every recorded JUG punishment given at Brophy since 1928. For you upperclassmen, this will be a great refresher!

1952 - Now reopened as a high school, Brophy orders JUG students to pick up donations from Santa Clara on foot.

Important dates in the History of JUG

1995 - Students required to scrub outside sidewalks with toothbrushes, as faculty shouted out tips from afar.

1928 - Students are ordered to carry jugs of water around as they go from class to class. The punishment gradually becomes obsolete as students begin to drink the water so as to alleviate the weight.

Brophy’s first ever JUG

1965 - Students are ordered to construct and provide provisions for a nuclear bomb shelter on the campus. The entrance is rumored to be just outside the weight room. 1976 - These JUG recipients were never heard from again. Their fate is a closely guarded secret kept quiet by the Dean’s Office.

2006 - With the new Tablet PC Program introduced, students were required to shred old books with the motto “Who needs ‘em anyway?”

1934– Students are forced to dig deep, deep trenches 2011: Students are seen picking up Archie’s poop, after (which led to the creation of the Information Commons) as they had hand-washed Father Reese’s golf cart. they desperately try to uncover gold to avoid The Great Depression shutting school down.

Brophy freshman carried off by Fr. Reese’s dogs By Alexander Khan ’13 Father Reese’s dogs, known to students as Croissant and Cannoli, have become a common sight for many students around campus during break and lunch periods. Until recently, it has become normal for these dogs to come up to students for a simple scratch behind the ear or to attempt to make part of their lunch a quick snack. Leaked reports however surmise an event that might encourage students to take extra precautions next time they walk outside. These reports describe students that watched in horror as the dogs teamed up and grabbed a small freshman and carried him off. One horrified student, who requested that his name not be mentioned, said that the dogs had been looking for food all day but could not find any. Michael Zpete ’15, the victim of the attack, was a freshman who had regularly and successfully denied the dogs food from his lunch

previously. Brophy’s summer Algebra I class has estimated that Michael will be enough food to keep these dogs satisfied for at least a week. Self-proclaimed, expert and “dogologist” Tom Danforth ’78 told The Wrangler, “These dogs will strike again. Once they get their first taste it will be hard for them to stop.” Unfortunately, these dogs are still on the run. Brophy officials at a press conference yesterday mentioned that efforts are underway to try and lure these dogs back into captivity. Father Reese explained to Wrangler staff in a recent interview, “My dogs will be hard to catch, but they’ll come back in a week or so. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened nor will it be the last.” Head of Brophy’s surreptitious crime division, Mr. McShane ’82, in a recent telephone interview announced

that the younger member of the pack, “Croissant,” had been captured. However, the atmosphere is still tense at Brophy; many students have decided to carry laser pointers to distract the dogs with the hopes of a quick escape. Students hope that this attack will be the last.

Right: A freshman cowers in fear at the sight of Fr. Reese’s dog, Waffles Photo By Austin Tymins ’13

Printed on recycled Roundups

The Flip Side

Student v. Scholar

By Alec Knappenberger ’13 and Joe Pistorius ’14

Word to the Wise “GTL”

Administration approves final plans for new Brophy West By Steven Soto ’13 Coronado, CA - The schematics for Brophy’s new campus have finally been approved by both residents of Coronado Island and Brophy’s own Board of Trustees, said Mr. Bob Ryan in an all faculty meeting. Bull dozers and cement trucks are quickly making haste as they lay the foundation for what is going to be known as Brophy West. The plans to purchase and expand Hotel Del Coronado (which will now serve as a giant dormitory) were introduced last year after Brophy parents and faculty shared intense criticism about the school’s lack of a study abroad program.

Due to the high number of Brophy and Xavier students already in the area, close to half the population of each school, Brophy West is expected to be a colossal success. Student opinion seems to be quite welcoming toward the new expansion. Many students call the new campus just want they need to recover from a stressful and demanding school year. During a question and answer session with prospective Brophy West students held by the administration, Wrangler staff had the opportunity to glean very important insights regarding the concerns of fellow Brophy students. Questions such as “Will we be able to wear bro tanks or can I just go to class shirtSince the project is slated to be completed less,” seemed to really dominate the discusjust in time for the 2012-2013 school year, sion. Another trending concern was over Brophy students are in for a new wave of whether or not protein shakes would be opportunity, exclaimed Father Reese durserved during lunch time as summer is a ing a exclusive Wrangler interview. The new “critical time for one’s chest and abdominal study aboard program, which is an extension muscles, biceps, and triceps.” One student of Brophy’s summer school program, aims to generated wide alarm when his question, keep students fresh and ready for their next “will Dean Higgins be here because I don’t school year. Innovative and demanding cur- want to cut my flow,” was answered with a riculum for classes such as “Introduction to referral to the student handbook. Proper Tanning” and “Weightlifting on All that can be said so far is that that BroSand” are said to be some of the most dephy West will provide students a new way to manding courses that Brophy has to offer. incorporate the summer sun with Jesuit Furthermore, sources tell Wrangler staff that by lounging on the beach, the Graduate education. With Brophy West, students will no longer have to worry about returning to at Graduation is developed like no other school after spending a summer in Coronado Brophy experience has done it before; in a because school is coming to them. true “cura personalis” tradition.

Editors Austin Tymins ’13 Steven Soto ’13 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Advice Rise. Lather. Repeat.

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email:

Meme By Chase Bishov ’14

Mad Lib! By Austin Tymins ’13

Dear __________ (Friend’s Name), How is your summer so far? I am having a __________ (Adjective) time so far. I’m writing from famous Hotel Del __________ (military island near San Diego). I do have lots of free time; besides laxing and tanning I __________ (Verb) hard all day long. It seems like all of Brophy is here. Just last week I saw __________ (a Brophy Priest’s Name) barbequing at the __________ (Place Name). He seemed to be having a __________ (Adjective) time. I also saw __________ (Brophy Principal’s Name) and greeted him with a __________ (Adjective) handshake from which I am still recovering. My friends and I have been having such a good time with __________ (Name of Arizona Public School) kids while __________ (-ing Verb) with __________ (Other Year Brophy Class). Well anyway its been a good summer and I’m not looking forward to another year of __________ (Noun) with __________ (Noun). See you on August __________ (Number), __________ (Your First Name)