The Wrangler September 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Eighteen
News in Briefs
Back to School dance a success. Electricity? Not required
Phoenix construction workers no longer receiving free Brophy education by looking into new windows
Brophy Bronco’s contract renewed, new acrobatic skill said to show promise
Michael’s prices soar to accommodate extra creatine inside chicken
Secret panda-fighting ring discovered through Instagram
Search and Rescue team still searching for Wednesday’s missing first period
Se
m
pe
rU
bi
Su
b
U
Real. Comfortable. News.
bi
Red Army returns: Arizona’s Brophy Prep suggesting Communist ties? By Steven Soto ’13 In a recent YouTube video, The Red Army, an extremist sect within Brophy College Preparatory that claims to be led by an omnipotent Bronco prophet, promised that it will be like nothing before.
in chants of “Santa who?” Similar to these attacks, The Red Army was also spotted hundreds of miles away in the northern Arizonan nation of Anthem against Boulder Creek. The Red Army is characterized by its blood- None of Boulder Creek’s playred uniform that is branded with its famous ers remain the same. bronco insignia. Other than that, little is known about the group except what has The Red Army’s leaders, who been visually confirmed. So far confirmed still remain unidentified, are are its weapons of choice. Against its oppo- able to blend into the regular nents, The Red Army employs tactics that crowds that make up the colutilize body paint, noise makers, free tacos, lege preparatory’s student body and Salvadoran machetes, which are illegal which makes them difficult to in twenty-seven nations, to strike fear into apprehend. Little progress has its opponent’s hearts. been made. A militant leader linked to The Red Army officially warned that the group will launch deathly cheering attacks “that are louder, harder, better, louder, and better than ever before” on its opponents. Outsiders can see that the extremist group has not failed in carrying out its words. In a recent game against Californian school Santa Margarita, The Red Army made a full appearance. They are blamed for several attacks on the visiting team’s morale after they engaged
On a national scale, a U.S. Department of Homeland Security subcommittee, known as AZCéñtral, has formally acknowledged the group and has launched a formal investigation on its origin. So far, the committee reports that, “The group seems to get its funding from somewhere in Russia, probably from some old Communist diehards that support the name…”
Above: The Red Army is shown in full force. It is the only high school cheering section in the nation with a fully functioning Panzer IV tank.
Photo Illustration By Steven Soto ’13
Mr. Burr’s The Red Army Returns receives Oscar nomination By Alexander Khan ’13 Rumors are swirling about Mr. Pete Burr’s ’07 newest film. Ever since the release of his blockbuster hit The Red Army Returns, people have been speculating about what is next for the up-and-coming director. During the after party of last month’s premiere, acclaimed director Martin Scorsese said, “The kid’s got spunk.” Though many fans feel nothing but admiration, there have been many rumors that shine a light on Mr. Burr’s strange style of directing. At a press conference last week, former child star Mr. Tom Danforth ’78, known for his portrayal of Kevin McCallister in the Home Alone series, who was hired as a consultant on the project said, “Mr. Burr will not be commenting on his newest project at this time. He has retreated into his studio (also
known as the student council room by some) at the moment and gave orders not to be disturbed.”
suggest ties between the production studio and radical militant group The Red Army.
Upon further investigation, Wrangler staff discovered that Mr. Burr conducts a personal staff of about thirty Brophy students that spend their time making sure things run smoothly for the well-oiled production studio. Due to the high secrecy of the organization, not much is known about what exactly goes on in there. Some passerby report instances of hearing ground shaking bass coming from the location. This, of course, follows up on reports that the studio has in fact been training students to abandon their academics and become full time DJs. Some reports even go as far as to
A myriad of reviews remind viewers of just how much success Mr. Burr has had. The cinematic perfection of The Red Army Returns earned the young director his first nomination for an Oscar. One critic, Brophy’s very own Mr. Patrick Kolb said, “Never have I seen a film that has come close to producing the level of cinematic masterpiece that has come out of this man’s camera. Never.” The rumor mill has already been abuzz in anticipation of Mr. Burr’s next project. Many are sure that it will continue to set a new standard in the film industry.
iPads: Destroying the Brophy culture one app at a time By Charlie Sturr ’13 A new freshman class has come to Brophy, and with it, a new era of technology: the iPad. These shiny new toys are slowly changing the entire freshman experience by ushering in of a new generation of apps. From these apps, a new era of iPadrelated issues have begun completely altering the Brophy experience.
Another popular freshman app is the “Xavier Girl Radar”. This app allows any freshman to see any Xavier Gator within a 100 yard radius from his position. This has upped the ante for many Friday afternoon hangouts, because now swarms of Brophy students brandishing their iPads can be seen entering our sister campus.
with the iPad’s touch screen only gaming, they have to utilize their entire hand and wrist. Mr. Chris White has been inundated with freshman cases of carpal tunnel syndrome, and one student (who will not be named) even sprained his pointer finger. The stresses of the new gaming circuit have been taking their toll, and student absences for “sport The most popular app this season is One app, that has seen a high related issues” have spiked. The called “Find My Dean”. From anyamount of criticism from the teachdean’s office has released a statewhere on campus, each freshman can ers, is the “Snap-assignment” app. ment saying, “In no way does FIFA now pinpoint the location of Dean Students can send their friends their soccer on the iPad count as a sports Higgins via GPS satellite. This has assignments to “help” them with related injury. If any student is allowed many students to commit homework, but they can only view it caught skipping school because of JUGable offenses in broad daylight for 1-10 seconds. Because it instantly this, it is an immediate Saturday because they have no fear of being deletes the assignment after the alJUG.” ambushed by Dean Higgins’s dead- lotted time, teachers have no way to ly smile/handshake/jug combination. prove if a student really did their This is a sad day for many freshman This new technology has caused homework or not. As readers can gamers, seeing as their gaming capamany faculty members to worry, es- imagine, this app has stirred up a lot bilities are slowly being limited. Bropecially the head of security, Mr. of trouble. Dean of Technology, Mr. phy is at the dawn of a new era, and Buchanan. Recently, in an interJames Bopp has recently proposed it is still unsure what direction the view with, The Wrangler, he said, “I a mandate to JUG anyone seen with iPad will take it. have seen a resurgence in the once the app installed. popular game, Cee-lo. The corruption Right: A frustrated freshman Another big consequence of the iPads of our young freshman has only one hurled his iPad into a door source to blame: the Find My Dean are gaming related injuries. Previafter getting stuck in “Angry app.” ously, students could kill zombies with the click of a mouse, but now Birds Space”
Photo Illustration By Austin Tymins ’13 Printed on recycled Roundups
The Flip Side
Infographic By Alec Knappenberger ’13
Issues on Flight 2016 By Kyle Chalmers ’13 As freshmen boarded Flight 2016 on August 24th, they thought that the duration of their flight would remain peaceful and calm. Their assumption, that Brophy Airlines would be a first class and luxurious air travel company, quickly faded. “I was expecting some plush, leather seats that reclined with a wide variety of drink choices and a pleasant flight crew,” said Fritosh Mann ’16, “instead there were no such delicacies.” Complaints against the airline company are varied and plentiful, and they begin with the earliest stages of Flight 2016. Upon boarding the aircraft, Brophy freshmen were greeted by pilots who seemed to be more interested in playing obnoxiously loud music over the intercom than actually flying. Flight attendants never followed up on passenger’s drink orders, and instead proceeded to hula hoop passengers for no clear reason. “All I wanted was a nice flight home after a tough business trip in the Hamptons,” said La’ Kisha Doo ’16, a Xavier Prep freshwoman, “instead I was forced to stand and dance by the most annoying crew ever.” Several complaints were filed against Brophy Airlines after freshmen passengers became irritated by the aforementioned occurrences. The crew, which is currently under investigation by the Federal Aviation Administration, was unable to be reached for further comments regarding their outlandish behavior. The most severe penalty that the FAA can place against Brophy Airlines Crew 2016 is the removal and confiscation of their notorious in-flight stereo. “The flight was horrible and I was ready to jump off the plane at any moment, but there were some sick subs on that flight” said Dalulu Orlham ’16. All future flights are pending as the fate of the airline’s future is determined.
Santa Claus not Santa Margarita By Austin Tymins ’13 and Griffen Tymins ’14 Brophy Football took on Santa Margarita last week and made an impressive showing even against the Eagles’ massive offensive line. The Santa Margarita line weighed in at an average weight of 304 lbs (.45 kgs) making them one of the biggest offensive lines in the country even when compared to top Division 1 programs. This factoid, however, is unsurprising considering Santa Margarita in Spanish roughly translates to “Look Twenty-Five, Somehow Still Teenagers.” According to unconfirmed reports, this abnormal size may not be completely natural. Brophy’s famous drug-sniffing dog gang was on site for Friday’s game, though they didn’t get to witness much of the on-field action as they were distracted by the Santa Margarita bus. The dogs scratched and yelped at the bus for the duration of the game, seemingly excited by something. Upon investigation, authorities found copious amounts of bull testosterone hidden under a seat. This medically-induced size was most evident as the Californian team returned to the field after halftime in a stampede, which caused the U.S. Geological Survey to notice Richter scale activity measuring 4.3. Reports are beginning to surface that indicate Santa Margarita has been recruiting foreign athletes in order to maintain their prestigious national ranking. One anonymous student interviewed by The Wrangler drew the same conclusion while watching the game, “I’m absolutely positive that I recognized a few of the lineman from the East German Olympic shot-put team. And yes, I have watched reruns of all the Cold Warera Olympic Games in my spare time.” Brophy athletic authorities, well aware of the situation, have begun a scouting program in Polynesia and are looking to tap into similar talent pools around the world. According to a new Brophy policy change, all international immersion trip groups are required to include a football scout. As if their size wasn’t punishment enough, the entire Santa Margarita team ate at Culver’s the night before and nearly forced the Brophy-frequented establishment out of business. The branch manger confirmed reports alleging that the restaurant was about to run out of butter for the burgers and nearly resorted to serving just regular burgers. Mr. Reithmann concluded that the Santa Margarita team reminded him of a similar team from back in the day, “I haven’t seen boys that big since St. Patrick’s in ´42 out of Brooklyn, may their names live in infamy.”
We want YOU! Are you looking for a way to channel your inner wittiness? Want to be a part of the greatest publication on a grand total of eight continents, not including Antarctica? Are you a great writer who is talented, clever, spontaneous, and most importantly, good-looking? Then, The Wrangler wants you as a member. Please refer to the following five reasons to join our writing staff: Meme By Grayson Kelly ’14
Editors Austin Tymins ’13 Steven Soto ’13 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Greatest Birthday Ever Fr. Harry Olivier, S.J.
The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email:
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Be part of the Brophy media elite Poke fun at your teachers and peers! Exquisite shenanigry Refined social gatherings Increases your Harvard chances 600%
Also, be sure to “like” us on Facebook. Ya dig?
Wrangler@brophybroncos.org A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2012
Email wrangler@brophybroncos.org to get involved. Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.