The Wrangler, No. 19

The Wrangler

Election 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Nineteen

News in Briefs 

Covert Politics Findings: Mr. B Controlling Election Outcome

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The Wrangler Called ‘Blame Stream Media’ By ‘Lame Stream Media’ on ‘Main Stream Media’

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BCP/XCP Speech & Debate Disgraced by Candidates

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"War on Women" Hits Xavier, Students Report Major Suffrage

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Student Unemployment Hits Pre-Summer Highs

Real. Comfortable. News.

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Deanship elections closer than ever

mailers that made such claims as, “Dean Higgins voted twenty five times for a bill to give JUGs to freshmen that were As the election draws closer, the candidates seem to be focusing not wearing big enough collars.” Higgins has also recently put their efforts on key demographics says election analyst Dr. out a campaign ad that claims that Mr. Cordova is using Harry Olivier. The incumbent Dean Higgins, Verbling to secretly communicate with other countries to his challenger Richard Cordova, and independent favorite, coordinate with offshore SuperPACs. These claims have been businessman Ross Perot, have been flooding key areas around effective in convincing the public. Many kids have been so Brophy with campaign ads, mailers, rallies, autopen signed convinced that they have begun to campaign for both photos of the candidate in various patriotic poses, and ten to candidates. One student, Earl Leeballot ’14, said that when fifteen thousand dollar per plate dinners (depending on if one he received a life-size cardboard cutout of Richard Cordova, wants to eat at a regular table or the “American Round Table,” he immediately threw away his electric dancing Ross Perot. which, according to the Cordova campaign, is “a round table This election is promising to turn out votes like never before. with an American flag by it.”) The candidates have become Both candidates are neck in neck, and everyone has strong increasingly competitive. opinions. Ross Perot is behind but still believes he can win.

By Alexander Khan ’13

Last Tuesday, Dean Higgins and Richard Cordova held competing rallies in the same place to try and sway the voters over to their side. One rally attendee said that he was stuck with 35 political pins. He is now recovering from his wounds at the Chris White Clinic. Mr. Cordova said, “A Cordova Deanship would mean prosperity in these dark economic times, and a reinstatement of taco party Tuesdays.” The candidate is referring to the 95% unemployment rate among Brophy students and the lack of taco fun on Tuesdays. Dr. Lane McShane ’82, Professor of advanced demographic convincing at the center for Deanorial Campaign Studies, told The Wrangler in an interview, “These votes are very important in order to clinch the victory.”

Though candidates have reached many new campus areas through strategic advertising, the elections are usually decided by key voters. Last year’s election, though close, was ultimately decided by the voters in the key battleground area of the chapel.

The latest Rasputin poll shows that the chapel is leaning Higgins, but only by a slight margin, and The Trot poll has Cordova with a 2 point lead. No incumbent has won the election without winning the chapel since the Great Bopp Upset of ’92. But only November can tell who will be the next Dean in Chief.

In years past, the stoop kids have been a deciding factor in the election. In the electoral upset of 1968, favorite Mr. Tom Danforth ’36 lost the election when a successful attack ad convinced the Poet Alley Boys to vote for Mr. Tom Broyles, founder of the Tom Broyles National Liberation Front. The successful attack ad said that Mr. Danforth was not only a rubber stamp of the previous Dean, but actually had a rubber stamp with the previous Dean’s name on it that he planned to use to sign documents. That attack ad was so effective that the Poets Alley Boys have voted TBNLF ever since.

This year, candidates are targeting more groups than ever before. The SAC dwellers were bombarded with campaign

Bumper stickers cause confusion for Danforth ’36

By Mark Nageotte ’13 In every political season, there is exponential growth in the sales of bumper stickers, and this election year is no different. The "Romney Ryan 2012" and "Obama Biden 2012" stickers have been flying like hot cakes.

power of a simple letter since I first read The Scarlet Other people around campus have also felt this wave Letter, my favorite book." of excitement during this election season. 25% of those surveyed have said they are basing their deciThe controversy, now being called "Waterforth," has sion at the polls on "insignificant" parts of each camcaused outrage among members of the Young Demo- paign such as bumper stickers, hair styles, memes, crats club. President Lee N. Left ’13 said, "I have endorsements by the pirate party, etc.

However, due to the design of the Republican candi- worked for four years towards the re-election of date’s bumper stickers, the moderator of the Young President Barack Obama, and he is distracted by a "I plan on voting by flipping a coin: heads means Democrats club, Mr. Tom Danforth ’36, has been letter?" The Teenage Republicans had no comment, Obama, tails means Romney. If it lands on its side, I questioning his political allegiances, according to but Dr. Ewing was seen smirking at the whole dewill vote for myself," said Libertarian candidate Gary Eller insiders. bacle.

Johnson.

"I have never had an epiphany so clear to me. For the first fifty years of my life, I've been a strong supporter of the Democratic party; but when I saw the new design this summer, it changed me,” said Danforth, who continued, trying to rationalize, "The Republicans have included red, white, and blue into the R of Romney's name. I have not known the

When asked who he would vote for come November 6th, Mr. Danforth said, "I still believe in the principles and values of the Democratic Party. I fully believe in President Obama. I just cannot get over how that ’R’ makes me feel inside. It's like I'm a little boy going to Toys’R’Us. That's what that ’R’ reminds me of! I've always been easily distracted by colors."

Whether this is due to indifference, lack of a decent candidate, or the theory that red, white, and blue are the greatest colors ever to complement each other, the fact is that bumper stickers are the deciding factor in this election for voters like Mr. Danforth.

Romney, Obama reach out to young and middle-aged, VPs follow suit

By Kyle Chalmers ’13 As the campaign trail winds down, both camps are taking action to increase the number of votes they receive. Earlier this month, after disappointing poll results, Gov. Mitt Romney was reported to have said, “Yo, Reppin’ Ryan. R2 be losing sum swag. Needa busta move soon, yo.” Last week, it appeared Romney and Ryan busted that campaign-defining move. After seven hours of “prep time”, Romney walked out of Supercuts with a new red-orange spray tan covering his body. Romney’s conservative campaign manager, Mr. Tom Danforth ’36, responded to media questions about this look: “He really wants to appeal to young uninterested Cali girls. We hope the tan will bring out his abs and bring out the target audience in big numbers. It’s all about swag.” Ryan also got a makeover, a full body dragon tattoo extending from

his forehead to his toe, trying to appeal to the body artist demographic. “Yes, it’s true. I did it to appeal to people who like tattoos,” Ryan said, “but I literally have been just dying to express myself like this forever. I have always thought of myself as a big, strong dragon!” They are scheduled to have their first shirtless photo shoot for Cosmopolitan next week.

Today, President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden responded with an equally strong statement. Obama said, “You know uhhh… when I heard… this news uhhh… I knew… that we could not uhhh… simply standby… and let this election slip away.” Obama followed by also going to Supercuts and coming out five minutes later with a completely bald head. Bill Woods, Obama’s campaign manager, responded to inquiries about this move. “He really

wants to appeal to bald, middle-aged men who are struggling with their image. If he can strut it, anyone can.” Biden decided to articulate his personal campaign differently and only speak with a British accent from now on. Biden addressed the BBC about this decision: “‘Ello chaps, well isn’t this a bloomin’ noice day! I decided to cut the rubbish, and convince my fellow Brits to vote for me, innit?” Biden has not figured out that the population of Great Britain cannot vote in the November election. Biden has still not yet ruled out the options of talking in Chinese or Russian accents, despite strong protests from members of his own party. Obama and Biden hope their response will counterbalance the drastic move taken by Romney and Ryan.

Printed on recycled Roundups

The Flip Side

Bopp adjusting to “just teacher” status

By William Olesiewicz ’16 Two years after former Dean Jim Bopp's term has ended, many students are wondering what Bopp has been doing since the end of his term. In a press conference held Tuesday in his sanctuary, the Jesuit Garden, Mr. Bopp discussed what he has been up to. The former Dean has kept to himself, remaining somewhat aloof. Bopp decided to take his physics degree elsewhere. He told the press, “I have been spending my time in my own lab. I’ve also been spending time catching up on the hottest flicks on Netflix.”

Many pundits are asking if Dean Higgins will remain as the Dean, or if Bopp will retake the position in the November elections. Bopp has been busy since the end of his term. When asked about any further political ambitions, he said, “I would not mind the power, but I probably would get behind on my experiments and Dawson’s Creek episodes.” With so much uncertainty as to what the future holds, the entire Brophy community will have to wait.

On the topic of being replaced as Dean, Bopp went on to say, “My time in office was awesome. I was the head honcho. I was like Batman and the administration was like Alfred, but I did not have the time to do the things that I loved to do; I don’t miss it.” New reports show that this may be far from the truth.

Bopp is not happy at all, claim Garden correspondents. For years he had Brophy running smoothly. Now that he has been replaced, many sources close to him have noted recent and frequent urges in the Physics scholar to “administrate” any student nearby. So far this year, Bopp has been caught five times sneaking into the office to sign papers, according to the Dean’s head of security Buchanan. When asked about these accusations, Bopp had no comment.

When these facts were reported to Dean Higgins, he cried out, "I knew it! I told you.” Later at a press event, the Dean explained: “Though I thought my volume of completed admit slips and JUG forms was impressive, I attributed it to second-year luck, and not Bopp boppin’ into my business.

Student council pursues fourth debate slot at next football game

By Charlie Sturr ’13 In the past weeks, there has been a huge surge by the Brophy Student Council to secure an additional debate spot in the presidential debates. They believe that if allowed to debate, the participation at weekly football games will “probably double.” One member of the student council, Les Gobrophy ’14, has shared with us their efforts thus far: “We’ve really been hammering out these letters to the debate commission,” said Gobrophy. “We just haven’t told them that we’re bringing airhorns.” They are banking heavily on the dark horse spot that could yield so much potential power. One of the Student Council’s main debate tactics is to drown out the competition with as much noise as possible. The procurement division has ordered hundreds of vuvuzelas, packaged the sound system, and prepared for cross-country flights. The Red Army hopes to provide as much distraction as possible. The push has been a direct response to waning attendance at weekly football games. Student council believes that if they campaign solely on the premise of “redness,” they will be able to fool some of the lessinformed Republicans and more radical Democrats into switching political affiliation.

The hope is that the increased coverage and following will make the football games even larger. A few days ago, the Red Army released a press release: “We believe that we will... overcome the problems of bickering parties by adding more cowbell.”

Brophy suspected of illegal voting ring

By Peter McNeil ‘14 and Alexander Khan ’13 It is sometimes hard to focus on the “little things” that could affect the future of this country. At Brophy, a new political machine has emerged that is so terrifying that it has been compared to the first day of class with Mr. Scott Middlemist ’87. Around campus, it has gained the name “The Mechanical Bronco.” Its official name is Brophy Reinvestment in Bettering Everyone also known as BRIBE. The leader of this new organization is Mr. Pete Burr ’07. Students have reported that Mr. Burr has been making YouTube videos and leading student council in a cover-up of questionable activities. BRIBE members were caught last month with hundreds of tickets to future Brophy events. Mr. Burr claims innocence, but he is one of the only people with access to those resources. A source told The Wrangler that the tickets are being used to bribe upperclassmen— who can vote— into voting for Mr. Burr. BRIBE officials deny these accusations. An unnamed BRIBE insider told The Wrangler that BRIBE members were giving preference to the upperclassmen in exchange for votes. Seniors are even given their own line to get into Michael’s. Tens of dollars have gone missing from Student Council’s budget says Brophy’s most trusted faculty member, Ms. Sandra Dennard.

Mr. Burr has all three lower classes. Former foes are now working together to fix the election for Mr. Burr. When asked about it, Dr. Ewing, a professor of electioneering, said, “Watergate was like Fr. Reese’s dog Waffles when he first came to Brophy, small and not that much of a nuisance. BRIBE is like Waffles this year: large and in everyone’s faces and food.”

Don’t Shave. SAVE! The Wrangler presents the third annual NO SHAVE MOVEMBER! Participation is very simple: 1. Grow a mustache. 2. Raise awareness and funds for men’s health. Sign-up in the Mall before Nov. 1 with a $25 donation. You will be allowed by the Dean’s office to refrain from shaving for the entire month of Movember. There will be prizes for the style and length at the end of the month. Shave the date, and join Team Stache Pony.

There are rumors that a counter-organization called the Brophy Election Commission (BEC), has sprouted, but this has not been verified at the time of going to press. This is the first major election for Mr. Burr and BRIBE. Even though it has only been around for one year, it has surely carved its place into the Brophy community. The potential outcome is not very high because Mr. Burr doesn't even meet the requirements to be President. However, the principle of honesty has been replaced by corruption.

Editors Austin Tymins ’13 Steven Soto ’13 Alex Khan ’13 Alec Knappenberger ’13 Mark Nageotte ’13 Copy Editor Seth Harris ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email: Wrangler@brophybroncos.org A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2012

Editorial Note: If you won the prize, please collect it from the Brophy Crypt in between Brophy’s subterranean grape reserves and the dog breeding facility beneath Romley.

Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.