The Wrangler, No. 20

The Wrangler

November 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty

News in Briefs 

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Fr. Olivier to Play Yoda in New Star Wars Film Scientific Study Finds That T.I. and Mr. Book Drastically Increase Chances of Attracting Damsels from Xavier

Real. Comfortable. News.

Tu W rk rit ey ten Ge D no ur ci ing de t of he 20 12

Technology Department’s experiment a disaster— Schmidbauer clones despise people as much as original does

By Jeff Bennett’13 On October 30, the night before Halloween, Mr. Bopp and Mr. Pettit’s cloning experiment went horribly wrong. The head duo of technical matters at Brophy had operated behind the scenes for months, but most agree that it was only a matter of time before their schemes would be revealed.

completing thirty copies of every assignment to please each existing Schmidbauer while they witness 30 identical men fighting over the podium in the front of class every day.

“I loved learning Spanish in class, but watching WWE Smackdown between Mr. Schmidbauer and Mr. Schmidbauer and Mr. Schmidbauer and Mr. Schmidbauer with Spanish play-by-play commentary is just as exciting!” said one Honors II student.

Records indicate that Mr. Bopp and Mr. Pettit had successfully hired a minion to re-image computers and sell other computer materials in an attempt to fund, what some have called, “a diabolical plot.” The project The confusion has permeated to all parts of campus, as many of the called K13, short for Kloning 2013, was initiated as an effort to faculty parties have been ravaged by at least 30 different duplicate members of the faculty.

Schmidbauers. Mr. Matt Williams ’07 even questioned, “How do they all have the same shirt?”

After failing to recruit a single faculty member for his project, Mr. Pettit explained, “I had to take things into my own hands. Though I At the end of the day, few definitive conclusions can be made. hadn’t planned to do this, I was forced to adultnap Mr. Schmidbauer Although trends indicate that Spanish culture has increased within the and clone him.”

Brophy community, widespread confusion has begun to take hold.

Still, the real Mr. Schmidbauer has not been found among the Mr. Andy Schmidbauer ’87 was last seen avoiding Brophy students impostors. Some speculate that the real Schmidbauer has seized his at his lunch time post, where a student claimed to see the abduction chance and has already left for a fly-fishing trip in the Canadian happen. “I saw Mr. Pettit walk by Mr. Schmidbauer’s post with a woods. human-sized thirst buster, but I didn’t think anything of it! I just thought he was super thirsty that day! Next thing I knew, Schmid was gone!”

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Waffles the Dog in Custody after Pleading Guilty of Solicitation

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Rumors Indicate Wrangler afraid to Satirize Women; They’re Right.

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Brophy Cracks Down on Eating in the Hallways—Bans food at School

The next day, Halloween, nearly thirty Schmidbauer imposters were reported to have been roaming campus. The majority of students assumed the rise in imposters was merely an attempt at a joke; few, however, showed any sign of understanding the truth.

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UC Boulder Applications Inexplicably Increase After Election Night

Mr. Bopp explained the importance of the issue in front of the Board of Discipline: “It’s bad.” The hearing ended after this statement, as no one felt intellectually tantamount to respond.

Now, insiders reveal that Schimdbauer’s classroom has faced the largest impact. Students have attested to

Brophy Robotics star to skip college and go directly to NBA

By Anand Swaminathan ’15 In a statement released last week, the Brophy Robotics team revealed that their prized basketball-shooting robot, “Big Red,” will be drafted straight into the National Basketball Association. This decision has confirmed rumors that neither Brophy nor National College Robotics Association can adequately keep up with Big Red’s high level of “ballin.”

NBA scouts and technology fanatics alike have been unanimously impressed in Big Red’s shooting capabilities, some even touting it as the “next Jordan.” NBA scouts have long pursued Big Red. Mr. Tony Fuller claimed, “It has the court-vision of Magic Johnson, the athleticism of Michael Jordan, and the defensive presence of Scottie Pippen. The only thing it really lacks is what we call, a ‘will to win.’”

Robotics Team mentor, Mr. Andy Mazzolini, responded, “Programming a ‘will to win’ in an AI machine is a lot

harder than it sounds. At the end of the day, Big Red doesn’t care about the rings, or the money or the fame; the only thing it really needs is an oil bath.”

ed, “The lack of a fatherboard in Big Red’s lifespan has really been tough. Every robot is entitled to having at least some sort of fatherboard presence in its wiring, but Big Red didn’t even have that.”

Still, Big Red is reported to have already signed numerous endorsement deals. In particular, Nike has extended a multi At this point, engineers are trying to let Big Red enjoy its -million dollar contract and plans to release a line of robot- last high school days before its transition into the profesic arms special to Big Red. sional level.

Though Big Red is enjoying wide-spread attention at the moment, insiders have revealed that life for the robot has not always been so glamorous. Robotics engineers confirmed that Big Red spent most of its early days on the mean, dangerous streets of Keating Hall.

Mr. Mazzolini said, “People sometimes forget that Big Red is just a young robot and still has much re-wiring to undergo. Showering it with money and fame can really damage its young circuitry.”

Even more, the robot was built in a single-circuit household Still, Mr. Mazzolini and NBA scouts agree that if Big Red from entirely motherboard parts. Fatherboard circuitry is all fulfills expectations, it could potentially go down as an allbut absent in Big Red. Engineer Steve Gates ’13 comment- time great.

Mr. Oldani finds inner tween; friends student population on Facebook

By Mark Nageotte ’13 Earlier this month, many students were granted the prospect of a friend request from Mr. Tony Oldani on Facebook. To the dismay of many friendless students, this was immediately followed by an email from the beloved teacher asking everyone to ignore and decline the request. He claimed it was a technical error with his new cellphone.

mall at stores like Forever 21 and GAP. He was also spotted camping out in front of a movie theater days before the premiere of the new Twilight film. He denies this, but was absent for three days last week when Twilight came out.

Anyone who got a glimpse of his Facebook profile may have noticed a post that he published earlier this year sayThe Wrangler has heard otherwise. We can now report that ing, "OMG!! Justin Biebs is sick onstage! Everyone pray Mr. Oldani has apparently been pursuing a lifestyle for him to get well soon!!!" He claims his Facebook was change. He has spent his time in peculiar places doing ab- hacked. The post was deleted soon after it came to light. normal things. According to an exclusive insider, Mr. Oldani, has been involved in a line of strange activities that While other teachers have kept silent about his outbursts, suggest he wants to be a thirteen-year old girl.

Ms. Jessica Mason could not refrain from commenting on the situation. "He seems to know all the gossip in HollyMr. Oldani has been seen at Scottsdale Fashion Square wood and finds it necessary to share every story on Face-

book." Ms. Mason continued, "As a Xavier alum , I know the symptoms of a teenage girl, and he is definitely acting like one."

Mr. Oldani has not admitted to any of these allegations.

However, he seems to be enjoying all the publicity of "accidentally" adding the student body on Facebook. He was reportedly smirking all day after he sent his deletion request. However, he continues to claim that his actions were purely accidental. His reputation for being a tough guy relies on it.

The Flip Side

Brophy Swim, Make-a-Wish team up; give Mr. Murphy hair for Movember

Guffey moves into 1st place in Movember mustache competition

By Miles Kent ’13

By Kapil Kanagal ‘13

Teacher Mr. Neil Murphy ’16 was partnered with the Make-A-Wish foundation after a devastating diagnosis of a rare, untreatable skin disorder that stops him from growing facial hair.

Mr. Murphy this week, there is hope. The Brophy Swim Team joined forces with the Make-a-Wish foundation to make his dreams come true. The Brophy team donated their hair this week to supply facial hair implants for him.

This comes as a devastating shock to his family and friends, who thought he was a Freshman at Brophy. For teachers like Mr. Murphy, facial hair is necessary to assimilate into teacher culture and fitting in with much older looking teachers like Mr. Matt Williams ’07.

Head coach Mr. Patrick O’neill said, “We were gonna shave anyway, so we thought we might actually have a reason to shave this year.”

Mr. Murphy will never be like the rest of the As Mr. John Damaso ’97 puts it, “If you can’t teachers, but with the brave acts of men like grow a ‘stache, you ain’t nothin’.” the Brophy swimmers, teachers like Mr. Murphy will have a fair shot at being normal.

Along with his tragic diagnosis, earlier this week, Mr. Murphy failed his driver’s permit Only time will tell if his wish will truly allow test for the second time. him to be accepted by his peers.

Although there has been much heartbreak for

Ms. Kelly Guffey has defied all odds and surprised students and teachers alike with her incredible mustache in this month’s Movember competition. Ms. Guffey explains that she “knew she could always grow a solid mustache, but never really got the chance until this year.” Guffey’s comments come after her unprecedented rise to the top of the faculty standings for Team Stache Pony.

When asked about why she chose to participate in this year’s Movember competition, Ms. Guffey explained, “I really want to support men’s health and raise awareness about prostate cancer; however, I also felt that it was important to be a role model for the other female teachers on campus and teach them that anyone can grow a solid mustache if they try. I hope to see other female teachers in future competitions and think that this will open up the playing field in a predominantly maledominated sport.”

Other teachers immediately reacted to Ms. Guffey’s mustache, calling it “inspiring” and “awesome.” Mr. Neil Murphy ’16 remarked, “I hope that one day, when I get facial hair, I can grow a stache like that. Ms. Guffey serves as a role model for all those who will soon hit puberty. She does it for a great cause and has a stache that even Mr. John Damaso ’97 is jealous of.”

Indeed, even prominent celebrities such as James Harden have taken notice and have started to support Ms. Guffey using major social media sites: Myspace and the AOL Instant Messaging Service. James Harden also Tweeted: “Shout out to @kguffey for growing such a great stache. Looking forward to seeing her beard with it too #fearthebeard.”

Indeed even the Professional Mustache Association of ‘Murika (PMAM) was looking to recruit Ms. Guffey to join one of their teams. It is rumored that she is currently discussing contract options with the Phoenix Mustachios, one of the premier teams in the league. If selected, she would become the first woman in the league and would instantly become an international icon. She would also be featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated and countless Wheaties TM boxes.

Politics: Republican strategy for 2016: get candidates yoked

While Ms. Guffey’s mustache has garnered a lot of attention, she has remained extremely humble and has even promised that she will once again grow out the beard for the 2016 elections. This prompts many to think that she will take her run for the presidency and attempt to become the first president with facial hair since the early 1920s. Only time will tell if her quest will be successful, but for the moment, her mustache is something the students, faculty, and administration have become extremely proud.

By Austin Tymins ’13 Many Republicans looked to assign blame after their disappointing 2012 election results. Former White House staffer and leader of the Crossroads Super PAC, Karl Rove has recently come under fire for spending $400 million on the election without producing any results. Many see the election as done, but not Karl Rove. At a Super PAC investor meeting, he put forth his plan to capture the electoral college.

An anonymous Wrangler source said, “He proposed buying off the electoral voters to give Mitt Romney the victory. Each for $1 million.”

Unveiled picture prompts Mr. McShane to investigate new evidence that Dr. Ewing has legs

When asked what he would do with the unspent money, Rove replied he was going to keep it, “It was a tough election but I deserve that money.” Many Republicans are hoping that Rove’s bad luck could be transferable for future elections. In the days following the election, Paul Ryan, Marco Rubio, and Chris Christie all called on Karl Rove to support Democrats in 2016. Rove has taken the advice and has created a Super PAC known as the “United Americans for Social Equality” to fund pro-Democratic advertising. “United Americans for Social Equality” has already begun airing ads which support Hillary Clinton in Iowa in preparation for the 2016 caucuses.

According to exit polls, many voters in the recent election were turned off by some of the Republican candidates. Paul Ryan sent a letter to Rove in which he detailed his five-point plan to pick candidates, “If we really want to win, we can’t support any more aging white guys. We need more physically attractive candidates, like me. Bro, if you give me $5 million from Crossroads, I can get our guys pretty swoll.” The Republican Party dramatically underperformed with women voters in the most recent election, but the Republicans are already formulating a plan. Ryan claims that “washboard abs and yoked biceps” are the surest way to shrink the gender voting gap. Ryan also critiqued President Obama’s plan for capturing the woman’s vote by saying, “You don’t even lift, bro.”

Even party leader Donald “Thugganasty” Trump criticized Rove in a tweet, “Congrats @KarlRove for blowing $400mil on the election. Homie don’t even know how much charity extortion I could be doin with that change.” As the 2016 election approaches, only time will tell if the Republican Party can get potential candidates like Chris Christie and Rush Limbaugh to fit into Ryan’s hand-me-down 32-waist pants.

Editors Kapil Kanagal ’13 Anand Swaminathan ’15 Copy Editor Seth Harris ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Political Consultant Mr. Rick Perry

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? wrangler@brophybroncos.org Twitter: @BrophyWrangler facebook.com/brophywrangler A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2012 Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.