The Wrangler December 22, 2012 (hopefully) Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-One
News in Briefs
Business Office changes motto to “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems”
Treadmill in Dean’s Office blamed for heavy breathing during announcements
Student Council to introduce “Wipeout” at next Showcase
AIA switching from playoffs to bowl game system
Facebook found to “not care” about wall posts affirming privacy rights
Finals canceled due to complete lack of student concern preapocalypse
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Real. Comfortable. News.
ExamCram: too much fun?
Romley Hall renamed Romney Hall after generous contribution
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By Mark Nageotte ’13 In an effort to improve test scores and decrease student hours outdoors, Brophy will now offer a study session in the Great Hall during the days leading up to final exams called “ExamCram”. Many people see this as an opportunity to let teachers help students prepare for their finals. Ms. Hanson said, “This will be a great way for students to relearn the curricula that they didn’t understand the first time they learned it.”
DJ Bryce Muzzy `10 might show at the event. “Even though it goes against common sense, we believe that a loud DJ and bright flashing lights will help build the atmosphere in the Great Hall as students try to concentrate on their studies,” said Mr. Burr `07. “We want students to be comfortable and everyone knows that they are most comfortable at the dances.” Student council is also offering Dutch Bros. coffee and Red Bull outside the Great Hall.
However, many people are skeptical of this event. “I don’t know why they are doing this. The only preparation for finals I have ever done is to figure out the lowest grade I can possibly get to maintain my current grade. If I even go to this thing, I am going to use this opportunity like I use all of my study halls and free periods: to play games,” said a sophomores, speaking on the condition of anonymity.
Conspiracy theorists see this as a backhanded way to make another dance. Mr. Schmidbauer `87 was outraged, saying, “I was actually looking forward to this event all year. I was going to use this time to teach my students what they need to know for my Spanish final, but now it will just be a bunch of students hopped up on Red Bull dancing to their techno and hip-hop. I don’t see why they call it a study session.” In response, Mr. Desperately trying to get more people to Burr `07 said, “We aren’t trying to make attend, student council has promoted the it a dance. We want kids to learn and all, event by making it co-ed with Xavier and but we have a reputation to uphold as a claiming that it will have “the most lights fun student body. We cannot do that if and bass ever.” The student council will we do just a regular study session withhave a variety of DJs working the room, out bass and lights. It will also be and rumors have been circulating that Christmas sweater-themed, and people must bring a guest pass to the Dean’s Left: Artist’s rendering of upcom- Office if they are inviting anyone from another school.” ing ExamCram
Mr. Douglas outwits Mayans with ark By The Wrangler Editorial Staff For the past few months Mr. Douglas has been “acting like he has a few screws loose,” according to campus security Mr. John Buchanan. Witnesses say they have seen large shipments of wood and tar entering the scene shop. Boston Kimmons ’13, The Wrangler’s most dapper correspondent, stated, “Nothing has been made by the students in that class for the past three months.” Last week, Mr. Ron Douglas responded to criticism by revealing his intentions to build an ark in preparation for this week’s impending apocalypse. Students in stagecraft began thinking something was amiss when Mr. Douglas chose not to shave on December 1 in response to Movember. “We thought something was
up with the facial hair thing,” said Bill D. Stuff ’14, “but frankly we were distracted by his overused of the words ‘hath’ and ‘thou’. The way he’s been acting, I’m surprised we finished the set for A Few Good Men on time. Usually we measure things in feet and inches, but Mr. Douglas has been using his arm as a measuring tool and has been urging all of us to work in cubits.”
Pete Taactivist ’14 said he saw Mr. Douglas meeting with exotic animal dealers during his lunch period, after which he returned to class with large quantities of meat and hay.
The Wrangler has been able to confirm previously unsubstantiated claims that Mr. Douglas’s boat is being built in the Eller building. In a tweet, Mr. Douglas In the last week, students have noticed hippopotami in (@imonanark) said, “I’ve decided to save two of every anifountains and sloths hanging from trees in the mall. There mal for the coming apocalypse. Except aardvarks. I hate are also reports claiming that sharks and other oceanic aardvarks.” He also had harsh words for his biblical precreatures are living in the pool on top of the gym. The life- decessor: “Noah was inefficient. 300 cubits long by 50 cuguard on the roof refused to comment. bits wide, please. I can save all species of animals on Earth in 200 by 30 tops.”
Brophy Broncos record yet another loss to Xavier Gators By Steven Soto ’13 The Broncos experienced a tough loss after being pummeled by their sister-school, Xavier Prep, during the first match-up of the holiday season. Even though football season has died down and basketball is now underway, students have been kept busy by something else. December marks the beginning of the Christmas season so students from both campuses are dusting off their multi -colored trees, holiday wreaths, and, of course, light-up deer. Christmas decorating, an-up-and-coming sport characterized by over-usage of festive lights and ornate bulbs is proving to be a challenge for the Broncos. In fact, some are beginning to call it the Achilles’ heel of athletics for the all-male school.
The winner of last Thursday’s matchup was determined by the amount of electricity used by Christmas lights– one watt equals one point. Other miscellaneous points were awarded for the amount of general holiday representation on the campus. Without a doubt, the Gators won the contest. During the match-up, the Broncos
seemed to simply underestimate the Gators’ offensive line. Judges praised Xavier’s festive trees and shiny lights. The judges then compared Brophy to a city morgue. “We just were not ready for them,” remarks Brophy team member David Rallen ’13. “I mean, who expects Xavier to have inflatable snowmen or ice skating rinks for that matter?” The Bronco leadership has also experienced some challenges. “Our previous coaches were just caught off guard by the Gators, but it’s okay: we’ve brought in a professional,” explains team owner Father
Brophy administration has had its fair share of fallout after the loss. In response to trustee outrage over Brophy’s bah humbug-eqsue campus, Father Reese called for an im-
mediate press conference to address public concern. Wrangler staff who attended the conference reported that the money raised from certain fundraising campaigns such as the Elf Drive and Brophy’s tax credit campaign will now be used to pay for “immediate campus remodeling.” The press conference ended with Fr. Reese’s opti-
mistic promise, “Your tax credit, Christmas’s future.” Until then, the Broncos either have to “seriously step Edward Reese, S.J.. The Broncos’ up their offense” or just pray that decoration team will be coached by Mr. Ian Aston who is an expert in the Backstreet Brophy releases a Christmas album on time to boost holiday field of holiday decorations. Coach spirit. Aston sent a press release on Friday that read: “Sure, a loss right out of the gate may seem unorthodox for BroRight: Two seniors attempt phy. We do not lose. Just wait for to pilfer a “Holiday Tree” what my guys have planned for the from Xavier rematch.” Brophy is scheduled to replay the Gators late next week.
Photo Illustration By Austin Tymins ’13 Printed on recycled Roundups
The Flip Side
10-step program to prepare for finals By Wrangler Staff 1.
Watch “Swamp People” to prepare for your Humanities final. 2. Hang around near the Teacher’s Lounge. Teachers love to discuss test answers with each other. 3. Relax! Go to faculty morning yoga on the morning of finals. 4. Try to persuade teachers to give a take-home exam instead. 5. Sleep for the entire time you were planning to study. On Finals Day you should wake up refreshed and ready to go. 6. Stuff textbooks into your pillow. The knowledge will transfer into your head during sleep. 7. Bring that same pillow to class. You’ll need it since testing periods are longer this year. 8. Check your Facebook status. Extra reading is always a good test-prep resource. 9. Draw hand turkeys if you have extra time. Teachers will reward quality artwork with a grade bump. 10. If all else fails, use hypnotic amnesia to forget about finals and stay stress-free.
Infographic By Alec Knappenberger ’13
Apocalypse now? By Austin Tymins ’13 Brophy administration has released the much anticipated apocalypse preparation plan referred to as AARP (Anticipated Apocalypse and Revelation Preparation). This 176 page plan will be inserted in the back of the new mandatory student handbook. Many measures are being taken to ensure the security of students and faculty during the recently named “Time of Great Purification”. According to apocalypse experts, sunspot cycles will flip the Earth’s magnetic field and earthquakes and floods will decimate humanity starting on December 21, 2012.
Meme By Austin Tymins ’13 and Steven Soto ’13
Special Report: senioritis vaccination slated for next semester By Alexander Khan ’13 Last Tuesday, at a press conference, Dean Higgins announced that a new senioritis vaccination program would begin early 2nd semester at Brophy.“This disease moves quickly, and it can have devastating effects on the student body.” This is, of course, a reference to Don T. Care ’83 who was rendered incapable of doing homework for three weeks. Many experts believe that a comprehensive vaccination program is the only way to stop this disease. Dr. Sandra Dennard, who met with me in a sealed sanitary room said, through the mouthpiece in her bubble that she now lives in, “This variant of the disease spreads faster than other strains have in years past. One day you could be doing research for a project, and the next you could be out in the mall shouting ‘outer space.’” One senior, Stan Duround ’13, refused to move from where he was standing for three weeks. There are many in the Brophy community who believe that vaccinating the students with a fourteen inch needle, the only needle long enough to reach the caring nerve, is unnecessary. Professor Editors Austin Tymins ’13 Steven Soto ’13 Kapil Kanagal ’13 Alec Knappenberger ’13 Mark Nageotte ’13 Alexander Khan ’13 Seth Harris ’14 A.M.D.G.
Marc Valadao S.J.V. (Specialist in Juvenile Vaccination) says that this vaccination cannot work. “It was tried in 1995, and it had extreme side effects. These included increased use of the word “whatever” and rapid deafness caused from blocking out things that teachers are saying.”
Before Brophy stepped in to take administrative action, concerned teachers and students had been making preparations of their own. For example, Mr. Reithmann had started insulating his van with lead and was stockpiling weapons and machinery including his famous “come-along”. The Covert Politics Club already has preparations in place for the apocalypse dating back to Y2K. Mr. Damaso ’97 moved the post-apocalypse unit for Honors English forward from 3rd to 2nd quarter. He has also altered the curriculum in order to teach more practical survival skills like archery, shelter construction, and berry preservation (“preserves”).
Some have criticized Brophy’s actions as being too aggressive, while others fear it may be too little too late. One of the aspects of the plan is draining the pool on the gym roof to store all the water in a massive emergency water silo in the maintenance area. The Info Commons has been converted into a bunker where the extra water will be pumped into. The books that have gone unread for decades in the Info Commons will be gathered and burned as fuel for the presumably cold winter. Unfortunately for Xavier students, the secret tunnel connecting the two campuses has been blocked off to prevent Gator refugees from crossing over. Brophy Shooting Sports has also volunteered to man the Brophy tower and has promised to “neutralize” all looters and vandals with rubber ammunition. The plan has not been met with unanimous praise though. An anonymous student criticized the Brophy administration for continuing to spend money watering the sidewalks in the weeks leading up to the apocalypse, “I don’t know why Brophy is wasting time and money on campus maintenance. We all know that won’t matter on December 22.”
Baldwin honors Turkey Drive pledge
Research shows that the vaccine had the effect of increasing the occurrence of senioritis, because as Valadao confirms, “the body cannot build immunity to this disease because the nervous system stops caring about building an immune response.” The vaccinations are still scheduled to continue as planned. Dean Higgins revealed to the Brophy community the new Broyola Sanitorium was actually built to quarantine those with severe cases of Senioritis, and starting next semester, many students will be moved to this area to isolate the disease. Many teachers praise his courageous actions because they believe they will “actually” be able to teach second semester. Representatives of the senior class have yet to comment. We have contacted them, but they turned down out interview request because they have “stuff” to do. As the debate rages on, Brophy administration seems to be sticking to its plans and will not give in. Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
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