The Wrangler December 22, 2012 (hopefully) Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-One
News in Briefs
Business Office changes motto to “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems”
Treadmill in Dean’s Office blamed for heavy breathing during announcements
Student Council to introduce “Wipeout” at next Showcase
AIA switching from playoffs to bowl game system
Facebook found to “not care” about wall posts affirming privacy rights
Finals canceled due to complete lack of student concern preapocalypse
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Real. Comfortable. News.
ExamCram: too much fun?
Romley Hall renamed Romney Hall after generous contribution
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By Mark Nageotte ’13 In an effort to improve test scores and decrease student hours outdoors, Brophy will now offer a study session in the Great Hall during the days leading up to final exams called “ExamCram”. Many people see this as an opportunity to let teachers help students prepare for their finals. Ms. Hanson said, “This will be a great way for students to relearn the curricula that they didn’t understand the first time they learned it.”
DJ Bryce Muzzy `10 might show at the event. “Even though it goes against common sense, we believe that a loud DJ and bright flashing lights will help build the atmosphere in the Great Hall as students try to concentrate on their studies,” said Mr. Burr `07. “We want students to be comfortable and everyone knows that they are most comfortable at the dances.” Student council is also offering Dutch Bros. coffee and Red Bull outside the Great Hall.
However, many people are skeptical of this event. “I don’t know why they are doing this. The only preparation for finals I have ever done is to figure out the lowest grade I can possibly get to maintain my current grade. If I even go to this thing, I am going to use this opportunity like I use all of my study halls and free periods: to play games,” said a sophomores, speaking on the condition of anonymity.
Conspiracy theorists see this as a backhanded way to make another dance. Mr. Schmidbauer `87 was outraged, saying, “I was actually looking forward to this event all year. I was going to use this time to teach my students what they need to know for my Spanish final, but now it will just be a bunch of students hopped up on Red Bull dancing to their techno and hip-hop. I don’t see why they call it a study session.” In response, Mr. Desperately trying to get more people to Burr `07 said, “We aren’t trying to make attend, student council has promoted the it a dance. We want kids to learn and all, event by making it co-ed with Xavier and but we have a reputation to uphold as a claiming that it will have “the most lights fun student body. We cannot do that if and bass ever.” The student council will we do just a regular study session withhave a variety of DJs working the room, out bass and lights. It will also be and rumors have been circulating that Christmas sweater-themed, and people must bring a guest pass to the Dean’s Left: Artist’s rendering of upcom- Office if they are inviting anyone from another school.” ing ExamCram
Mr. Douglas outwits Mayans with ark By The Wrangler Editorial Staff For the past few months Mr. Douglas has been “acting like he has a few screws loose,” according to campus security Mr. John Buchanan. Witnesses say they have seen large shipments of wood and tar entering the scene shop. Boston Kimmons ’13, The Wrangler’s most dapper correspondent, stated, “Nothing has been made by the students in that class for the past three months.” Last week, Mr. Ron Douglas responded to criticism by revealing his intentions to build an ark in preparation for this week’s impending apocalypse. Students in stagecraft began thinking something was amiss when Mr. Douglas chose not to shave on December 1 in response to Movember. “We thought something was
up with the facial hair thing,” said Bill D. Stuff ’14, “but frankly we were distracted by his overused of the words ‘hath’ and ‘thou’. The way he’s been acting, I’m surprised we finished the set for A Few Good Men on time. Usually we measure things in feet and inches, but Mr. Douglas has been using his arm as a measuring tool and has been urging all of us to work in cubits.”
Pete Taactivist ’14 said he saw Mr. Douglas meeting with exotic animal dealers during his lunch period, after which he returned to class with large quantities of meat and hay.
The Wrangler has been able to confirm previously unsubstantiated claims that Mr. Douglas’s boat is being built in the Eller building. In a tweet, Mr. Douglas In the last week, students have noticed hippopotami in (@imonanark) said, “I’ve decided to save two of every anifountains and sloths hanging from trees in the mall. There mal for the coming apocalypse. Except aardvarks. I hate are also reports claiming that sharks and other oceanic aardvarks.” He also had harsh words for his biblical precreatures are living in the pool on top of the gym. The life- decessor: “Noah was inefficient. 300 cubits long by 50 cuguard on the roof refused to comment. bits wide, please. I can save all species of animals on Earth in 200 by 30 tops.”
Brophy Broncos record yet another loss to Xavier Gators By Steven Soto ’13 The Broncos experienced a tough loss after being pummeled by their sister-school, Xavier Prep, during the first match-up of the holiday season. Even though football season has died down and basketball is now underway, students have been kept busy by something else. December marks the beginning of the Christmas season so students from both campuses are dusting off their multi -colored trees, holiday wreaths, and, of course, light-up deer. Christmas decorating, an-up-and-coming sport characterized by over-usage of festive lights and ornate bulbs is proving to be a challenge for the Broncos. In fact, some are beginning to call it the Achilles’ heel of athletics for the all-male school.
The winner of last Thursday’s matchup was determined by the amount of electricity used by Christmas lights– one watt equals one point. Other miscellaneous points were awarded for the amount of general holiday representation on the campus. Without a doubt, the Gators won the contest. During the match-up, the Broncos
seemed to simply underestimate the Gators’ offensive line. Judges praised Xavier’s festive trees and shiny lights. The judges then compared Brophy to a city morgue. “We just were not ready for them,” remarks Brophy team member David Rallen ’13. “I mean, who expects Xavier to have inflatable snowmen or ice skating rinks for that matter?” The Bronco leadership has also experienced some challenges. “Our previous coaches were just caught off guard by the Gators, but it’s okay: we’ve brought in a professional,” explains team owner Father
Brophy administration has had its fair share of fallout after the loss. In response to trustee outrage over Brophy’s bah humbug-eqsue campus, Father Reese called for an im-
mediate press conference to address public concern. Wrangler staff who attended the conference reported that the money raised from certain fundraising campaigns such as the Elf Drive and Brophy’s tax credit campaign will now be used to pay for “immediate campus remodeling.” The press conference ended with Fr. Reese’s opti-
mistic promise, “Your tax credit, Christmas’s future.” Until then, the Broncos either have to “seriously step Edward Reese, S.J.. The Broncos’ up their offense” or just pray that decoration team will be coached by Mr. Ian Aston who is an expert in the Backstreet Brophy releases a Christmas album on time to boost holiday field of holiday decorations. Coach spirit. Aston sent a press release on Friday that read: “Sure, a loss right out of the gate may seem unorthodox for BroRight: Two seniors attempt phy. We do not lose. Just wait for to pilfer a “Holiday Tree” what my guys have planned for the from Xavier rematch.” Brophy is scheduled to replay the Gators late next week.
Photo Illustration By Austin Tymins ’13 Printed on recycled Roundups