The Wrangler February 29, 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-Two
News in Briefs
Doc Ewing throws out back in Civil War live action role play AJ’s hires unnamed Xavier girls to model next line of tea
Lax season resumes, growth of flow not in vain
Soccer coaching staff struggles with washing poop smell off of jerseys
Chinese exchange students misinterpret meaning of Red Army Spring break immersion trip inside a Bronco to utilize the “Magic School Bus”
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Real. Comfortable. News.
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No apocalypse but English Department still feels effects By Kyle Chalmers ’13 An anonymous source confirmed on the cold night of December 21st 2012 that many members of the Brophy’s English Department communed and prayed for the end of the world not to come. They made a covenant with each other that if their world did not end, they would live life differently. With the Mayan prophecy having been false, the teachers honored their sacred covenant. The staff of Brophy has never been the same since that night: particularly Ms. Deborah Kauffman and Mr. Scott “Aragorn” Middlemist ’87. Ms. Kauffman, who had formerly been known for her understanding and kind disposition, has turned to a new life. According to a reliable source, she made a promise to her colleagues, that night, to be more fearsome and angry with students similarly to Grendel with Hrothgrar’s kingdom in Beowulf. In a
quote from Ms. Kauffman, she uttered, “I have found that good writing is what I am after. Nothing provokes good writing like fear. Nothing.” There have been many reports of students being chased out of her class for neglecting to read their books or for their badly-written literary assignments. The Wrangler sent a journalist to interview her, but he has not been seen since. Recently released news from the English Department confirms that Mr. Middlemist has now shockingly switched his interests from Star Wars (his life’s devotion and obsession) to Lord of the Rings. Mr. Middlemist wanted to return to the roots of fantasy with orcs, elves, and hobbits. He no longer teaches his class the ways of the Force, but instead calls them his “Fellowship” and takes them on impossible ventures to find and destroy the one Ring. He forces them to also call him
“Mr. Aragorn (Rightful Heir to the Throne of Gondor)” whenever they refer to or address him. It makes for quite the MLA conundrum. Also, instead of riding his pod racer to school, he now rides on his horse, Shadowfax. Currently we believe “Mr. Aragorn (Rightful Heir to the Throne of Gondor)” is somewhere in the Rocky Mountains with a group of freshman searching for the Mines of Moria in order to gain quick passage to Rivendell…………………………………… ………………………………………………… ……………………………………………. They still may not pass. Or Middlemist’s class for that matter.
Administration grade delay causes student relief By Joe Pistorius ’14 Last week, Mr. Tony Oldani professed the reasons grades had been pushed so far back. Firstly, according to Mr. John Damaso ’97, “Grading Scantrons, although it may seem easy, is much more complicated than everyone thinks. Even though it only takes me a few minutes, it can take other teacher’s many weeks.” Many should not and will not continue to question the embodiment of wisdom that is Damaso. Seniors and, in some ex-
ceedingly rare cases, very lazy juniors, believe that this is just a ploy to make students keep doing work just in case they might have bombed finals and are now forced to actually study; something that is foreign to them.
received on his history final said “You know, I’m fine with grades taking their time, it gives me more time to not be grounded.” Gup’s inevitable eventually came. With a 14.3% on his AP U.S. History final, he was politely asked to leave Brophy (explaining why no one has Many are relieved that the grade heard of him). According to his release delay postpones the inevishrink, he is now currently groundtable: an inevitable they don’t want ed and facing an even worse fate, to face. Taryn Gup, a Brophy stu- attending St. Mary’s. dent, was afraid to see what he
New Economics class to teach Vemma selling techniques
Above: Student is so stressed out by grades, he resorts to taking Photobooth photos
Extended Fridays cause students to find outlets of entertainment Matt Burleson ’16
By Chase Hart ’14 After an adrenalin filled three-hour meeting, the Brophy Social Studies Department has given the go ahead on a new specialized economics class called “Vemma in Action”.
based off the wellrespected pyramid scheme model. Students make money by signing up other students to buy Vemma, once those people (henchmen) sign up recruit others, more money goes to the top of The pitch for this class the of the “Great Giza” was put together by cur- itself. Many Vemma rent seniors with the vendors have no idea slogan “Who needs to what they are selling learn this boring busi(and don’t care), focusness stuff when I’m ing only on getting making 200 bucks a new recruits. month?” Vemma is a company that borrows As of now there are four ideas of some of Amerimajor pyramid ca’s best financial virtu- “families” run by sepaosos, including Charles rate “bosses” that conPonzi, Bernie Madoff, trol a majority of Vemand even Chef Michael ma selling students. A himself. Straight out of throwback to the Mafia Egypt, the Vemma busi- days, the Pyramid Bossness model is largely es are secret and capi-
talistic, each controlling different Brophy buildings as territories, although Brophy Hall remains a major battle ground as students try to sign up the administration. Mr. Matt Williams ‘07 volunteered to lead this new class. Mr. Williams spent his summer months developing a successful mind control technique. His AP Psychology students are now left wondering why they all have several hundred cans of Verve energy drinks stockpiled in their kitchens and no money.
Above: This graph displays the high level of intellectual competence of Brophy students. The great benefits of having an extended Friday cannot be overlooked
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