The Wrangler
May 2013 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-Five
News in Briefs
Tainted pins infect dozens of juniors with senioritis Meraki becomes Sentient, blocking all websites at Brophy Local inhabitants of Gulf of Mexico still view oil spill of 2010 as being crude and unusual. Art critic Marcus Kelly enjoys new Florence exhibit at Phoenix Museum of art, citing it as being “sick.” Plans for next year’s brown bag movement have already begun Failure for next year’s brown bag movement is within sight. Danforth recommendation letter mistaken for Communist Manifesto.
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Brophy cancels trips to Manresa, students outraged
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By Alexander Khan ’13 The Student population of Brophy remains angry and confused as new details emerge about the cancellation of trips due to State Department travel restrictions, and things are not getting better. Last Friday the Higgins administration published an official list of the canceled trips. Students were outraged to find that included on the list were Manresa, the Central side of the canal, the Brophy chapel confessionals, and Xavier.
taken one night by a group of girls who needed prom dates. We escaped and survived at Xavier by wearing the native dress, a plaid skirt and Xavier blouse. It was a harrowing experience…don’t go there.” These words of caution however, do not resonate with everyone.
collared shirts and flip flops is essential to the growth of Brophy Students.”
This program was canceled because the administration thought that too much contact with dress code violations would negatively affect students. Fortunately, the trips to the Jesuit Garden, Loyola AcadeTim Broyles ’89, who is a professor of the my, and North Korea have not been canstudy of Brophy State Department restricted celed and sources say that new trips will travel areas, said in a counter press confer- be created to take the place of the canceled ence that was held three feet to the left of ones. the Higgins conference, “We should be In a short press conference on Monday, Left: Mr. Dean Higgins said, “These places are un- able to go to these areas to help. Did you Tim Broyles know that one out of every one Xavier studer strict travel restrictions. The woods concendents spend less time in school than the around Manresa are full of dangerous anitrates his mals, three students were attacked, luckily average Brophy student because they get powerful they all survived.” Though many students out two weeks earlier.” The statistics on and disapthese areas are shocking. According to the dislike the change, the threats are real. pointed Last year on a trip to Xavier, the area with Center for shocking but necessary statisgaze toward tics, nearly 100% of all Xavier students one of the highest threat levels the State the Higgins cannot find a movie quality Tin Man cosDepartment has ever issued, four students administratume to wear to the Oz Prom. Mr. Broyles went missing and were only found three went on to say that, “The program that we tion. weeks ago. have for students to walk along the CenIn an interview with Van Ished ’13, one of tral side of the canal and pick up unthe boys who made it out, said, “We were
Higgins attempts to pass bill to ban cat photos Special Opinion by Nicholas Lydon ’14 Tensions on campus continue to rise, as Mr. Higgins threatens a mass censoring of all cat related images in his new bill entitled “Catspa.” An act such as this would be devastating to sites such as Funnyjunk, Tumblr, and 9gag due to their dependencies on these feline images. Dean Higgins claims that, “This will increase GPAs school wide, but many students cry out “at what cost.” Mr. Higgins managed to pass the bill through the House of Tech easily; however, students questioned its legality as photos of Mr. Pettit holding a 64 oz. soda container, have recently surfaced. Students have attempted to fight back against this controversial bill by having a parent sponsored petition created, but have run into several road blocks. Adam Min ’13 asks “How am I supposed to go home and explain to my parents what a meme is?” It is clear that if this bill were to successfully pass that severe rioting would ensue. Some speculate that this riot could rival even those that occur each day before lunch, in what we here at The Wrangler have entitled “The Big Riot Thing Before Lunch”. Our catchphrase guy is out of town, but I digress. The final decision on the matter will be decided before the end of the year, so we will have our answer shortly, but until then you can continue to browse your favorite comedic sites while at school. All except for Reddit that is. Really, Brophy? Digital Illustration by Alec Knappenberger ’13
Nostradoody By Reid Bard ’14 During a recent lunch break, an unnamed freshman discovered something miraculous in the far right stall of the boy’s bathroom in Brophy Hall. Father Reese stated that, “What this young man has found will change the school forever.” This anonymous freshman uncovered a message, thought to be dated back to as far as 2012, that read, “I <3 doody.” News of this has spread quickly leaving the public to question, “Who is this mysterious prophet, and what is he trying to tell us through his immaculate and cryptic message?” In his newest book, Mysterious Stall Message: Prophet or Phony, Mr. Damaso hypothesizes that “Maybe this prophet is misunderstood, we
don’t truly know if he <3’s doody, or if it is simply an allegory to the role utilitarianism plays in societal pressure now a days” (Damaso 103). Efforts to persuade Dean Higgins into commenting on the issue have proved fruitless; however, we have evidence supporting a connection between this mysterious message to the Vatican. Further carbon dating of the message, conducted by Mr. Mazzolini has failed because, “The students have broken all of my beakers”, so we will not know for sure if the dating of this message correlates with Pope Francis’s induction as pope. Right now all we have is speculation, including a sworn statement by Mr. McShane that he saw someone he described as, “Lee Harvey Oswald” coming out of the bathroom with a pen. We will keep Brophy updated as more news comes of this.
Brochella camp out: result of the opportunity gap?
Above: What can we say? The man hearts Doody.
Wrangler pie chart effectiveness
By Eddie Faillace ’14 Recently, Brophy celebrated this year’s Summit on Human Dignity on the topic of the Opportunity Gap. Even more recently, the senior class celebrated its quasi-annual “Senior Ditch Day” by camping on the front lawn. Coincidence? Empirical evidence would show: maybe. Our leading satiricalists believe that the Brochella affair is the direct result of the Opportunity Gap in action. If the camp-out scene were really a “Ditch Day Event” then why didn’t the Seniors ditch? The Wrangler knows why. “Because the Gap, man” said Hugh Morris ’15. The Seniors who set up camp in the front lawn on the morning of April 29th have tragically been affected by the Opportunity Gap and forced to live on the grassy, but comfortable, front lawn. Safety is no longer assured, not even to the student body. Josh McHockinTosh’13, a popular and now free-range student, said, “You can’t ditch the gap, bruh. Lawn-life is real, guy.” No further coherent comments were ascertained. The administration has made efforts to evict the seniors from their sodded seats, but many seniors are claiming Squatters’ Rights. By Arizona law, squatters may possess land they do not own, but have been openly living on for more than ten years. Senior squatters currently argue their amassed four years at Brophy are evidence enough for their claim. Seniors also accuse the faculty of both sexism and alignment with Monsanto. When asked how to solve the ditch dilemma, Deacon Stickney replied, “I’m sure there are some banks that will give you a toaster.” Truer words have never been spoken.
Pie Chart by Reid Bard ’14 Printed on recycled Roundups
The Flip Side
Brophy sends Tony Fuller overseas to aid in relief of North Korean tensions
Border Standoff: Central vs. Brophy By Ty-Juan Swasey ’ 15 and Reid Bard ’14 A border dispute over the canal has launched an all out war between Brophy and Central students. The North (Central High) emphatically claims that they own the canal, while Brophy pushes for split ownership, as was tradition. However, in an attempt to intimidate Central high, Brophy has placed its strongest students at the border (As Seen Below).
Photo Illustration By Reid Bard ’14 Photo Illustration By Reid Bard ’14
Teacher’s pet with Mrs. Kaufman By Austin Tymins ’13 and Alexander Khan ’13 AT: How is God at work in your life? DK: I see God in all things… AT: Oh Sorry, I meant: How is God at work in my life? DK: What, how could I answer that, how would I know how God is at work in your life? AT: Well I though because you were an English teacher you would know some good stuff for me to say during the Examine. DK: I guess that you could say that God has helped you to get through hard times and has allowed you to see the goodness in all people. AT: That’s good. I am definitely going to use that next time AT: Next question, what is the meaning of life? DK I thought these were going to be simple questions. The meaning of life is something that philosophers and great thinkers have thought about for ages… AT: Next Question DK: What?
DK: Is that a math question? It is. I’m not going to do your homework, this is an interview. AT: What made you decide to vote for Mitt Romney? Was it a) His ability to connect with the audience b) His perfect hair c) Paul Ryan I chose c. DK: I didn’t vote for Mitt Romney AT: Next Question. AT: What is your favorite hobby? DK: I like reading, and I am a world class chef and BMX racer. AT: Thanks, I can definitely use that in my Harvard essay! DK: What? AT: Next Question AT: Do you have any words of wisdom for the graduating class of 2013? DK: You can’t choose the thug life, the thug life chooses you AT: What do you think of the Wrangler? DK: No comment.
Higgins revealed as Star Trek fan
AT: Next Question DK: Ok
By Eddie Faillace ’14, Alexander Khan ’13, and Reid Bard ’14
AT: Is this your card? DK: Are you doing magic? AT: Is this your card? DK: No AT: Well how about now! DK: Wow! How did you do that? That is my card. AT: It’s magic AT: How do you feel about Brophy’s new rule allowing pets on campus DK: I am positive that doesn’t exist. AT: ….. DK: Are you alright? AT: I need to make a phone call. Some time later AT: Who is your favorite musician? DK: Definitely Lil Wayne, he spits mad rhymes. I have all of his CD’s I listen to them on my way in to school in the morning. I’m surprised you haven’t seen me, I drive a white Escalade with the Sub-Woofer in the back.
This year on May 6th, Brophy celebrated the revenge of the sixth, engaging in an all out lightsaber battle, only to be stopped by Dean Higgins. Investigations lead by Mr. Pettit and the guys at K13 have revealed a shocking truth, Mr. Higgins is a Star Trek fan. He put an end to the lightsaber fight out of his sour despair and hatred of Star Wars, and in his fourth and most recent draft of his romancenovel, Set Phazers to Love, Mr. Higgins says, “Star Wars is for Yarnekkian Syboks and Twoozelwhos.” As one can see this hatred of Star Wars and love of Star Trek runs deep, and each and every year he awaits the month of May with umbrage and anguish. In his office, sources say, there is a red phone that is a direct line to William Shatner ’54. He was once seen
on the phone asking Mr. Shatner for advice on new JUG methods so that he could boldly go where no dean has gone before. Upon the discovery of this information, the Wrangler sat down with the dean for an interview, “the lightsaber just does not make sense,” he said “clearly it is not as feasible as the Phaser, HA HA HA Star Wars is ridiculous.” He then went on to phaser us, “Star Wars loving Nargflarks” out of the room, yelling things such as “pew” and “pewpew.” These harsh words have angered many diehard Star Wars fans at Brophy who vowed to keep battling every May. Mr. Higgins states, “Wait until next year… Mwuhahahahaha.”
Photo Illustration By Reid Bard ’14 Left: A picture found by Mr. Pettit that Mr. Higgins meticulously photo shopped to use as his computer background.
AT: How do you feel about the Congressional Budget Office’s estimation of the cost of the Army’s Ground Combat Vehicle Alternatives Program? DK: What? What are you talking about? I don’t even know what you just said. AT: If two trains leave the station at the same time, one heading west and the other east. The westbound train travels 20 miles per hour slower than the eastbound train. If the two trains are 900 miles apart after 5 hours, what is the rate of the Editors Reid Bard ’14 Nicholas Lydon ’14 Alexander Khan ‘13 Moderators Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Mr. John Damaso ’97
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2013
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