The Wrangler
May 2013 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-Five
News in Briefs
Tainted pins infect dozens of juniors with senioritis Meraki becomes Sentient, blocking all websites at Brophy Local inhabitants of Gulf of Mexico still view oil spill of 2010 as being crude and unusual. Art critic Marcus Kelly enjoys new Florence exhibit at Phoenix Museum of art, citing it as being “sick.” Plans for next year’s brown bag movement have already begun Failure for next year’s brown bag movement is within sight. Danforth recommendation letter mistaken for Communist Manifesto.
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Brophy cancels trips to Manresa, students outraged
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By Alexander Khan ’13 The Student population of Brophy remains angry and confused as new details emerge about the cancellation of trips due to State Department travel restrictions, and things are not getting better. Last Friday the Higgins administration published an official list of the canceled trips. Students were outraged to find that included on the list were Manresa, the Central side of the canal, the Brophy chapel confessionals, and Xavier.
taken one night by a group of girls who needed prom dates. We escaped and survived at Xavier by wearing the native dress, a plaid skirt and Xavier blouse. It was a harrowing experience…don’t go there.” These words of caution however, do not resonate with everyone.
collared shirts and flip flops is essential to the growth of Brophy Students.”
This program was canceled because the administration thought that too much contact with dress code violations would negatively affect students. Fortunately, the trips to the Jesuit Garden, Loyola AcadeTim Broyles ’89, who is a professor of the my, and North Korea have not been canstudy of Brophy State Department restricted celed and sources say that new trips will travel areas, said in a counter press confer- be created to take the place of the canceled ence that was held three feet to the left of ones. the Higgins conference, “We should be In a short press conference on Monday, Left: Mr. Dean Higgins said, “These places are un- able to go to these areas to help. Did you Tim Broyles know that one out of every one Xavier studer strict travel restrictions. The woods concendents spend less time in school than the around Manresa are full of dangerous anitrates his mals, three students were attacked, luckily average Brophy student because they get powerful they all survived.” Though many students out two weeks earlier.” The statistics on and disapthese areas are shocking. According to the dislike the change, the threats are real. pointed Last year on a trip to Xavier, the area with Center for shocking but necessary statisgaze toward tics, nearly 100% of all Xavier students one of the highest threat levels the State the Higgins cannot find a movie quality Tin Man cosDepartment has ever issued, four students administratume to wear to the Oz Prom. Mr. Broyles went missing and were only found three went on to say that, “The program that we tion. weeks ago. have for students to walk along the CenIn an interview with Van Ished ’13, one of tral side of the canal and pick up unthe boys who made it out, said, “We were
Higgins attempts to pass bill to ban cat photos Special Opinion by Nicholas Lydon ’14 Tensions on campus continue to rise, as Mr. Higgins threatens a mass censoring of all cat related images in his new bill entitled “Catspa.” An act such as this would be devastating to sites such as Funnyjunk, Tumblr, and 9gag due to their dependencies on these feline images. Dean Higgins claims that, “This will increase GPAs school wide, but many students cry out “at what cost.” Mr. Higgins managed to pass the bill through the House of Tech easily; however, students questioned its legality as photos of Mr. Pettit holding a 64 oz. soda container, have recently surfaced. Students have attempted to fight back against this controversial bill by having a parent sponsored petition created, but have run into several road blocks. Adam Min ’13 asks “How am I supposed to go home and explain to my parents what a meme is?” It is clear that if this bill were to successfully pass that severe rioting would ensue. Some speculate that this riot could rival even those that occur each day before lunch, in what we here at The Wrangler have entitled “The Big Riot Thing Before Lunch”. Our catchphrase guy is out of town, but I digress. The final decision on the matter will be decided before the end of the year, so we will have our answer shortly, but until then you can continue to browse your favorite comedic sites while at school. All except for Reddit that is. Really, Brophy? Digital Illustration by Alec Knappenberger ’13
Nostradoody By Reid Bard ’14 During a recent lunch break, an unnamed freshman discovered something miraculous in the far right stall of the boy’s bathroom in Brophy Hall. Father Reese stated that, “What this young man has found will change the school forever.” This anonymous freshman uncovered a message, thought to be dated back to as far as 2012, that read, “I <3 doody.” News of this has spread quickly leaving the public to question, “Who is this mysterious prophet, and what is he trying to tell us through his immaculate and cryptic message?” In his newest book, Mysterious Stall Message: Prophet or Phony, Mr. Damaso hypothesizes that “Maybe this prophet is misunderstood, we
don’t truly know if he <3’s doody, or if it is simply an allegory to the role utilitarianism plays in societal pressure now a days” (Damaso 103). Efforts to persuade Dean Higgins into commenting on the issue have proved fruitless; however, we have evidence supporting a connection between this mysterious message to the Vatican. Further carbon dating of the message, conducted by Mr. Mazzolini has failed because, “The students have broken all of my beakers”, so we will not know for sure if the dating of this message correlates with Pope Francis’s induction as pope. Right now all we have is speculation, including a sworn statement by Mr. McShane that he saw someone he described as, “Lee Harvey Oswald” coming out of the bathroom with a pen. We will keep Brophy updated as more news comes of this.
Brochella camp out: result of the opportunity gap?
Above: What can we say? The man hearts Doody.
Wrangler pie chart effectiveness
By Eddie Faillace ’14 Recently, Brophy celebrated this year’s Summit on Human Dignity on the topic of the Opportunity Gap. Even more recently, the senior class celebrated its quasi-annual “Senior Ditch Day” by camping on the front lawn. Coincidence? Empirical evidence would show: maybe. Our leading satiricalists believe that the Brochella affair is the direct result of the Opportunity Gap in action. If the camp-out scene were really a “Ditch Day Event” then why didn’t the Seniors ditch? The Wrangler knows why. “Because the Gap, man” said Hugh Morris ’15. The Seniors who set up camp in the front lawn on the morning of April 29th have tragically been affected by the Opportunity Gap and forced to live on the grassy, but comfortable, front lawn. Safety is no longer assured, not even to the student body. Josh McHockinTosh’13, a popular and now free-range student, said, “You can’t ditch the gap, bruh. Lawn-life is real, guy.” No further coherent comments were ascertained. The administration has made efforts to evict the seniors from their sodded seats, but many seniors are claiming Squatters’ Rights. By Arizona law, squatters may possess land they do not own, but have been openly living on for more than ten years. Senior squatters currently argue their amassed four years at Brophy are evidence enough for their claim. Seniors also accuse the faculty of both sexism and alignment with Monsanto. When asked how to solve the ditch dilemma, Deacon Stickney replied, “I’m sure there are some banks that will give you a toaster.” Truer words have never been spoken.
Pie Chart by Reid Bard ’14 Printed on recycled Roundups