The Wrangler December 2013 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty– Nine
News in Briefs
Chaparral hires Chicago Cubs to talk about losing streaks
Are you smarter than a quiz bowl student? No
Freshmen buy hair off of swimmer for more manly mustaches
Calderon moves to Hollywood after riveting Fine Arts Showcase performance
Freshman preparing to look at class notes painstakingly taken amidst N-Game session
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Real. Comfortable. News.
Mustaches and fast times at Brophy High
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By Chase Bishov ’14
“The year is 1982. And it is tubular. We are disobeying the old fogies and taking joy-rides in my dad’s Buick GNX while listening to this new artist named Prince,” said one Brophy student with a mustache that pointed strongly towards a future as an ice-road trucker. Reports have permeated throughout campus that thirty-eight students and teachers have traveled back into the decade of mediocre culture. Some have speculated that the C.O.T. (cause of time-travel) is due to the overall bodacious feeling of a thick mustache and curly perm that many of the Movember participants have so carefully groomed. One timetraveling student said, “I don’t know, man. Chill out.” And then added, “Where’s the beef?” for no reason whatsoever.
Band’s attempt to time travel to the 90s, the 1890s that is, to visit John Phillip Sousa and his Sousa AllStars. The time-travelers were reported to have used their time in 1982 wisely. In an interview with Mr. Klein ’86, he revealed about the inter-stellar trip, “Let’s just leave it at a moon-walking Michael Jackson, breakdancing, good mullets, and rebellious valley girls.” However, after a rabid Cabbage Patch kid incident, a handful of students were given a “Justice Club” detention on Saturday. At the end of the trip, one traveler noted, “Wow, Brophy Hall looks so much different!” He was later found saying over intense laughter, “NOT!”
From this incident, connections have been drawn to the past incidents. Similarly, the Brophy Marching
Mr. Hubble takes up entire sixth period talking about Turkey Drive
A group picture of the Movember team from their trip back to 1982. Not pictured: Ron Burgundy ’75. Photograph taken by Chandan Saini ’14.
Celebrities (teachers) make surprise appearance
By Anand Swaminathan ’15
By Joe Pistorious ’14
Whenever a celebrity walks onto Brophy's campus, it's always a big deal. "In the past few weeks, the buzz has been growing louder and louder because of two very popular celebrities that have been seen daily on campus," says the student head of entertainment affairs at Brophy. The two celebrities that have supposedly taken the spots of Mr. Williams ’07 and Mr. Agliano go by the names of Anders Holm and Wario. A freshman and intense Mario Kart enthusiast said, "Mr. Agliano randomly disappeared a few weeks ago and this weird guy with a yellow hat and purple overalls has been trying to teach us about Genesis."
A Bronco Black Friday
Last Thursday in Mr. Williams’ AP Psychology class, his students became quite inquisitive at Mr. Williams subtle change in hair color. "I noticed a slight tint in the redness of his hair" said one Brophy senior. “One has to question whether Williams has taken this time off to slum around his house and ‘get weird’,” he added. The teacher doppelganger issue has become more and more real. Last week, it was reported that one Spanish student frantically proclaimed, “is that Mr. Ramsey teaching us… or Rocky?”
Printed on recycled Roundups
The Decision: Battle School or the Jedi Academy? By Alec Gonzales ‘15 and Andrew Wingersky ’15
As the second semester approaches, Brophy’s English director, Mr. Scott Middlemist ’87, and his son are faced with an increasingly important decision regarding where Mr. Middlemist’s son will attend school next year. Although Mr. Middlemist previously intended to send his son to the Jedi Academy (home to proud alumni such as Luke Skywalker ’33), he and his son are now having second thoughts. Lately, Mr. Middlemist’s son has looked towards Ender Wiggin as a role model. Knowing this, the Middlemists are now highly considering Battle School as an alternate option for Mr. Middlemist’s son.
tending his dream school.”
grammar and spelling. Sometimes, he would rant about the importance of the English lanAlthough his love for his son is rivaled only by guage to the whole class. I would have to get that of his love for concrete details, it is clear Yoda to come in and stop him. Aside from that, that Mr. Middlemist is being very accepting he was a great student. He was a natural fighter of his son’s newfound interest. It remains to be and was blessed with an uncanny ability to seen, however, whether his son’s interest in learn the ways of the force very quickly.” fighting the Bugger menace is just a phase, or if it truly has replaced his father’s love of Lightsa- The ultimate decision ends with Mr. Middlebers. Maybe Mr. Middlemist’s son desires mist’s son. In the past his father has urged the best of both worlds, however, and will slay him to attend the Jedi Academy, but recently, the Buggers with the famous Middlemist Mr. Middlemist has allowed him to form his Lightsaber, which has been handed down own decision regarding the future of his educathroughout the generations. Ultimately, the tion. Mr. Middlemist’s son said this when future is unclear, and the final decision remains asked about his situation, “Master Scott, as he When asked about what his decision will be, to be seen. likes me to call him, has been trying to get me Mr. Middlemist was quoted as saying, to go to Jedi Academy, but right now, I don’t “Currently, we cannot quite come to a conclu- Mr. Middlemist’s son, at this point, has been really think he cares, or at least it seems. Last sion. I have wanted to send my son to the Jedi accepted only to the Jedi Academy. Obi-Wan night, after I paid my due respect to the alAcademy all my life. A personal dream to have Kenobi, the head of admissions, says that he is mighty Ender Wiggin himself, I caught Master kin taught by Master Yoda himself, it has been a great candidate. His father and grandfather Scott crying himself to sleep at 4 A.M. I think it for me. The problem I am faced with is that my are both alumni, and when asked about them, is because he really wants me to go to Jedi son’s attachment to Ender Wiggin has become Kenobi said, “Ahh, the Middlemists… the eld- Academy, but I’m not so sure. The only other increasingly evident. After I caught him worest was fantastic. He caught on very quickly reason he might be crying is because I got a B shiping his gold-trimmed shrine of Ender last and learned the ways of the force very rapidly. on my book test last week.” night at around 3 A.M., I’m not so sure I could Scott was great too. The only issue I had with sleep at night knowing that he would not be at- him was that he would occasionally correct my
Dean Higgins gives himself JUG amidst facial hair controversy By Chase Bishov ’14
After struggling through the awkward years of puberty, Dean Higgins knew, as a man of men, that he had to have the best ’stache on campus. But as the his ’stache continued to grow, he began to feel more and more uneasy about it. One student reported seeing him “pacing through the halls, staring at the front-facing camera of his yellow iPhone 5C, in obvious distress and self-argument.” One can only speculate what has happened to the poor man. Inside sources have reported seeing Higgins before and after school in the West lot, walking around with rubber gloves on. Amongst reports, one student responded, “I do not know what he is doing with those gloves, and I do not want to find out.”
Campus-wide frustration permeates as students have now been more able to get away with petty infractions. One student commented, “Its almost as if the teachers don’t care.” Students have even gone as far as to not wear collared shirts, in spite of the Leviticus’s mandate for Ralph Lauren-made clothing on campus at all times. A handful of science students have gotten away with browsing the Internet during class, claiming they desire “practical knowledge.” In the end, everyone saw it coming. Dean Higgins’ first JUG. The staff of Movember, certified facial hair enthusiasts, enjoy the turmoil. One member said, “Higgins makes us shave before school and he JUGS us before seventh period for our Examen-time shadow.”
Shot by Chandan Saini ’14 hidden away inside the St. Ignatius fountain. Editors Chase Bishov ’14 Chase Hart ’14 Staff Photographer Chandan Saini ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Political Advisor Rob Ford
The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email: Wrangler@brophybroncos.org
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2012
Decisions, decisions, decisions… A candid moment capture by Chandan Saini ’14.
Brophy Admin rolls out new health care system amidst zombie scare By Chase Hart ’14
As the horror filled month of October has passed, Brophy administrators have taken actions against what they believe is the greatest threat to Brophy students, a zombie epidemic. Brophy Principal Bob Ryan XXI announced today that the school will be providing free health checkups and random zombie virus screening across campus. He added, “Don’t worry, the sign-ups will not be done through Blackboard.” Pandemonium swept through the campus after an all-night zombie movie marathon with Ms. Karp in the Black Box theatre, in which the Brophy staff left frightened and anxious. This new plan, dubbed “RyanCare” will soon be up for
hot debate in the student political clubs, although the RyanCare website has unfortunately been experiencing “issues.” Teenage Democrats believe it will better the community by embracing those who accept the zombie lifestyle. Opponents of RyanCare include the Teenage Republican Majority Leader who believes that the money for this program should be better spent targeting the real threats, vampires and werewolves. Students should expect to see a rise in military presence throughout campus. Also, it is advised that students learn to tell the difference between sleep-deprived AP students and zombies. Green Journalism