Wrangler No. 34

The Wrangler March 2014: Summit Recap Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-four

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Real. Colorful. News.

Community voices: How do you feel about race today?

“Inequality? Discrimination?

Racism? We don’t have those things where I come from. I respect all colors: black, violet, yellow, and normal. I have never once heard of a case where someone in the state of Arizona has faced discrimination because of the color of his or her skin. I guess we’re just more progressive here.”

News in Briefs 

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Track team found to be biggest race-ists in school Audible sigh heard around campus as students give up racism for Lent OFJ uses Obamacare website software to offer workshop sign-ups Principal Ryan set for cameo appearance on upcoming season of “Toddlers & Tiaras” Students taking March SAT unable to make a selection in race/ ethnicity section Students fail to study for Implicit Associations Test; officially branded flagrant racists

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Period 5 classes now too tense and divided after Workshop Day to actually continue learning

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Alleged plot to drain color from students’ faces coincides with hosting of Blood Drive

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“Well, in my intergalactic travels across space and times, I’ve made the acquaintance of several different species. I can sincerely say that the human species is the only one to squabble over race so much.

We are doomed. I’m heading for Mars as soon as possible; Live long and prosper yo.”

“All these filthy muggles, always fighting over rubbish like discrimination and racism. Just wait until the Dark Lord rises again and puts you all in your place. And by dark, I mean his foreboding evil and inhuman malice, not his skin color. Merlin’s Beard! Everything has to politically correct in this day and age.”

“As the black power ranger, I’ve been able to witness the role of race in the media and entertainment up close. Having one black power ranger on your galactic justice team is basically like “having one black friend;” that doesn’t make you racially sensitive. Excuse me for a second, I have a battle to fight with Lord Zedd.”

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“Racism? That’s not a thing. I like to keep this on the downlow but I’ve been in jail a few times. What I found there was incredible: Asians, blacks, whites, men of many different colors, were all united in their hatred for me. It was an inspiring and heartwarming experience.”

Bathroom stalls become forum for intellectual, News in Briefs productive dialogue about Summit  Alarmed students ask parents for birth certificates, realizing no one is safe

By Anand Swaminathan ’15 After hearing Sr. Calderon’s shocking revelation that someone had scrawled “this Summit is BS” on a bathroom wall, members of the Brophy community have formed an initiative to fight against ignorant bathroom vandalism. This initiative has been titled Students Against Ignorant Bathroom Graffiti on Our Bathroom Walls Because it is Bad (SAIBGOBWBB).

Over the past few weeks, the vandalism of partitions of Brophy bathrooms everywhere has seen an increased thematic shift from feces and Hitler-related jokes to intelligent, sophisticated debates about Summit-related themes. Students have probed issues such as racial inequality, subconscious discrimination, and historical segregation, successfully proving that multitasking is possible.

Junior Pret Enshous ’15 who suffers from irritable bowl syndrome and, as a result,

frequents bathrooms several times a day, shared his thoughts: “I’ve really come to look forward to my journeys to the restroom. As I sit on the toilet seat, I often find myself lost in the sophistication and intricacies written over the partitions. I’ve decided that I like my bathroom graffiti like I like my girls: refined, eloquent, thoughtful, and insightful. The summit on masculinity is over, so I can say that, right?”

Meanwhile, critics of SAIBGOWBB have held that productive graffiti compromises the traditional vulgarity and lewdness that so many Brophy students have come to cherish in their bathrooms. Senior Graff Eetee ’14 explained, “Back in my day, a kid could use the restroom and not have to worry about being drawn into intellectual, thought-provoking discussion about race in twenty-first century. Things just aren’t like they used to be.”

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Students rediscover racial simplicity of childhood days by watching reruns of “That’s So Raven”

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Meanwhile, “Cory in the House” found to be first black man in the White House before it was cool

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Saint Patrick’s Day condemned as celebration of green power

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Students struggling to understand concept of “Day 4” after Summit scheduling

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Extra credit proves to be greatest motivator for exploration of human dignity

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Loyola Academy 6th grader sums up entire Summit with one question

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Above: Sample bathroom stall filled with beautiful, impassioned discussion about the 2014 Summit: Beyond Colorblind

Summit puns finally reach peak

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Students attribute heightened kinship, communal understanding to extremely close proximity of bleacher seats Calvin Terrell feels no need to attend Summit as students finally understand nuances of tin vs. aluminum

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Students still waiting for Summit to reveal what the Fox says Anxious murmuring before student questions at assemblies reaches record highs Summit 2015 announced: The Microphone Dilemma

*If you cannot see this edition in color you are colorblind and have officially failed the Summit. Congratulations!

The Flip Side

OFJ Bracketology: Summit Workshop Runner-ups

By Max Kufel ’15

Historical Revelation: Walls Divide Brophy

By AK Alilonou ’16 Look up. Look at a wall outside a Brophy building. Look back down and keep reading. That wall was most likely beige. We live in a world run by beige walls. The over -representation of the color beige at Brophy sparked the pubic outcry that has led to the administration’s integration of beige and eggshell-colored paint for the first time in the school's history.

On the morning of the controversial announcement, the faculty released this statement: "We believe that, on a wall of opportunities, the diversity of our paint is what has made Brophy great and will continue to do so."

Ever since the Paint Color Act of 1952 guaranteed that eggshell paint could stay on the Brophy campus without being scratched out, the color eggshell has been relegated to the bottom of the spectrum, being used only in designated toilet stalls. The firing of maintenance worker Peggy Shelle for refusing to remove a blotch of eggshell paint from outside the Blackbox Theater is widely held to be the catalyst that initiated the Brophy Paintbrush Movement.

The figurehead of this movement, Peyton Tarp '13, drawing on his origins of being born in a Brophy bathroom and experiences of imagining eggshell-colored buildings while alseep during sixth period Examine, used his dream to advocate for the equal application of eggshell paint on the Brophy campus. Unfortunately, Peyton couldn't see his dream come true: he was targeted by members of the beige supremacist group the AKK (Angry Kolor Krusaders), who drowned him in a vat of beige paint as a morbid senior prank.

One of the perpetrators, who referred to himself as Bay G., found 'not guilty' by a court in an allbeige room, commented on the desegregation of the walls. "The Krusaders believe that Brophy is an institution founded on the color beige and that its being tainted by eggshell sl*dge is going to tear apart all that it has stood for."

Actually colorblind facing intense discrimination from community

By Anand Swaminathan ’15

Even today, in the fulfillment of Peyton's warped dream, we find ourselves in a world of beige privilege, where color is still a factor of success. The favoritism of beige when choosing paint for important buildings, constant graffiti assault on eggshell-colored walls, stereotyping of eggshell paint as where all the bad kids game before tests, and profiling eggshell walls as the scenes of crime are just a few of - that eggshell the daily struggles paint has to face on a regular basis, not to mention the strong crackdown on the undocumented painting of Brophy walls.

"Although this is still a school where kids don't walk in eggshellcolored parts of campus at night, we hope to see eggshell paint gradually become an accepted part of Brophy," said Xavier activist Polly Croam '16.

And it just might be. On the first anniversary of Peyton's enlightening nap during Wednesday late start, Brophy has seen the acceptance of mixing paint colors, the contribution of eggshell paint to important buildings, and possibly the unprecedented repainting of Brophy Hall. In a world run by the beige brush, there just might be enough room for other colors of paint in the BCP Dream.

Wait, what? Cream-colored paint?

No way in hell.

Above: Mr. Unrein struggling to cope with the hazing and intimidation he has faced as a man of no color.

As Brophy students are increasingly becoming aware of the dangers of being “colorblind,” they have taken to strongly opposing all those who claim they are unable to see color. Unfortunately, teachers and students who are unable to medically see color have also fallen under these vicious attacks from the community.

faculty has asked that I drink from separate coffee mugs; I don’t even know what color coffee is! I’ve even been told to stay at the back of the teacher’s lounge. My mom tells me that I should be proud of how I was born, but it’s getting so hard.”

In recent days, color supremacist groups at Brophy have resorted to extreme measures.

This newly sprung discrimination has taken Colorblind students have been horrified to various forms. According to various reports, find vibrant, detailed color wheels sprayactually colorblind students have begun to painted on their cars. Even more, some receive mean looks in hallways, threatening members of the administration are calling Skype messages, and intimidating notes for segregated art classrooms so that colorfrom the Dean’s Office. seeing students are not distracted by delinquent “blindees.”

Mr. Chad Unrein detailed his recent experiences as a clinically colorblind man: Mr. Unrein summed up his predicament “What started out as a joke among the fac- when he explained, “Ever day is a struggle. I ulty has spread to full-fledged discriminajust hope that one day I’m not judged by the tion and outright ostracism. I’ve found color I cannot see, but by the quality of my notes reading “We don’t want your kind vision.” here” slipped under my door. Most of the

Above: Unaware of its privilege, this beige wall in Eller is able to enjoy a life of favoritism and normalcy.

Meanwhile: This seemingly innocent eggshell-colored wall has sown the seeds of racial tension in recent Brophy history.

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Special Investigative Report: Rainbow v. Board of Education

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By John Sittu ’15 Fellow students, you’ve been tricked. Duped. Bamboozled. Smackledorfed! You see, the Brophy Board of Regents, while proposing to enlighten students with its so-called “Summit,” has been involved in a delicious scandal—and all right under our very nostrils!

Brophy has kept the issue hushed, but The Wrangler has taken it upon itself to uncover the facts in a very, very special Wrangler: Investigative Report.

Despite its Summit on Race, Brophy has taken racism to a whole new level. How, you ask? Brophy discriminates against all colors. More specifically, all the colors combined— the rainbows. Brophy Board of Regents has passed BCP 1062, a bill still waiting for approval, which would effectively give Fine Arts teachers the right to deny education to rainbow-colored students.

The initiative for the bill is based on the belief that having rainbow-colored students in the classroom directly conflicts with the principle of traditional monochrome values. The bill’s supporters hold that even seeing in color is clearly a choice—and an obviously evil, unnatural one at that. They cite abundant passages from the Bible that are not writer-biased or taken out of context in any way whatsoever that strongly advocate anti-rainbowism. Advocates of the bill often quote the Gospel of Saint Van Gogh, saying that the key to a successful piece of art is “as little color and as much white space as possible.” They say St. Van Gogh never once used a color in all his works—a well-known fact often interpreted to be the opposite by rainbowcolored opponents to the bill, who have claimed to have “seen his art.” “Yeah, right,” bill backers retort.

The most fervent of these bill backers belong to the notorious West Bropho Fratfist Church. The champions of the bill have a stronghold in Eller Building, where they remain dedicated to the hard work that it takes to hate everyone. They maintain not only that the 1062 would restore the individual’s freedom to exercise artistic liberty, as the First Amendment to the Bronco Constitution mandates, but that extra colors

are just too costly for the school in this time of economic strife.

The tests are like any other colorblind test, except if you can see “you’re a dirty racist” spelled out in color, then, as the test states, you are not only not beyond At first, 1062 seemed to just be another example of the colorblind, but not colorblind at all and, therefore, a classic, age-old struggle between uncompromising dirty racist. Just one more example of The Wrangler’s factions, so I decided that the story wasn’t worth digdrive to do good in the community. This has been the nifying, and therefore perpetuating, with media atten- very, very special Wrangler: Investigative Report. tion at all. But, that all changed when I opened the ceramic room’s art shelf and found a whole $1—plenty for extra colors. It smelled of corruption—these colors didn’t rhyme. Naturally, I had to investigate.

Slathered Mr. Marc Kelly’s own wet clay to cloak me from his art teacher’s infrared hipster glasses, I crouched in the near-deserted ceramic room’s trash bin with my trusty tape recorder to overhear the following conversation betwixt Kelly and an unknown Board member.

Kelly: “It’s just too much color for a monochrome drawing, Brotha. If God wanted us to draw in all colors, He wouldn’t have made dogs see in black and white. Plus, with all the extra color supply cash I’d be pocketing, I could buy all the extremely obscure and vaguely creepy indie coffee shop music I could ever want.”

The rest of the recording was cut off when a ceramic art project was hurled into my trash bin and shattered against my recorder, with Kelly laughing “Whoopsie!

Looks like some clumsy student “accidentally” broke another kid’s project. Have the best day ever—IN THE TRASH! LOL!” Little did bill proponent and armhair enthusiast Marc Kelly know—The Wrangler was hot on his furry trail.

After learning of this dastardly scheme, and in an attempt to rectify Brophy’s hypocrisy on the issue of colorblindness, The Wrangler will be administering colorblind tests to the student body free of charge with any donation of $25 or more.

Graphical Analysis of the Summit:

Breakdown of Summit Assemblies

Student reasons for trying Summit field trips

Student behavior during Workshop Day

Super important disclaimer below

Advertisements, Classifieds, and More:

Letter from the Wrangler Overlord/Editor

By Anand Swaminathan ’15

Medical Breakthrough: the Racism Cure

Helps to treat:  ID 10 T syndrome  Irrational dislike of someone who looks different than you  Refusal to acknowledge human similarity  Years of hatred built up in your heart pathways  Brain dead-ness Side effects may include:  White guilt  Crushing realization that you have been a total jerk  Sudden desire to treat all human beings with respect Do not use this product if:  You have a history of heart trouble (this medicine will get you right in the feelers)

We at the Wrangler pride ourselves on our thoughtful, sincere, and comprehensive reporting of the news.

Unlike our competitors (not to point fingers, but CNN and Fox News we’re subtly referring to you), we take it upon ourselves to cover the events of our world, or at least the Brophy community, in a productive and unfiltered way.

to promote the human dignity of all those in the Brophy community, we would still like to apologize to the following groups in advance for any overlooked insensitivities in our stories:

That’s why in this edition, which focuses on the 2014 Summit: Beyond Colorblind, we’ve heightened our game to a level even Walter Cronkite couldn’t reach on his tippytoes. In this issue of the Wrangler, we’ve rolled up our sleeves to wrestle with pressing, controversial racial topics such as bathroom graffiti, rainbows, and walls. All this with a journalistic integrity that even Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly could be proud of.

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The Office of Faith and Justice (Mrs. Hornbeck, we swear we would never do anything to hurt you!)

Antarctic-Americans Undocumented literal aliens taking refuge here on Earth Those who do not work out to be “Sexy” Tom Danforth

Hopefully, you understand that even the most enlightened and sincere of journalists can sometimes mistakes in the pursuit of the truth.

However, we must offer a disclaimer to our readers: this edition may get uncomfortable at times, it may playfully (or apathetically, who knows) tickle your inner sensitivities, and it may cause you some violent squirming both in a physical and a transcendent, metaphysical sense.

Though we did our best

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Visual approximation of my face in anticipation of any unintentional offense done to members of the Brophy community

Membean Introduces: New Level 6 for Extremely Challenging Summit Buzzwords

Word Lineup: 1. Black blach. adj. (IKT?) 2. Calvin Kelvin. n. (unit of measuring how "hot" a speech is) 3. Heckzyessnoperiod5 hekz-yesh-nopurd-fye. n? (slang used by youth to indicate readiness/excitement for upcoming Summit cultural enlightenment) 4. Terrell terril? Tuh-rell? n. (modifier of "Calvin," characterized by powerful speaking and general awesomeness) 5. Dignity Dig-knitt-ee. n. (based on root word, means forced digging) 6. Keynote keen-wah. n. (a grain--from the French "quinoa") 7. Synergy (!?)

8. Reagan. Raygun. n. (powerful futuristic gun in COD zombies...right? definition unclear--see Youtube for more info) 9. Privilege. Priv-lij. n. (disclaimer: word often difficult to see) 10. Microphone Mike-row-fōn. n. (from the root word--means microscopic chance of actually working) 11. Sum-mitts summitz. n. (assorted baseball gloves) 12. Buzzword bzzzzzzzz. n. (direct quote from Buzz Lightyear. Example: "To infinity, and beyond colorblind!")

Editors Anand Swaminathan ’15 John Sittu ’15 Max Kufel ’15 Photography Editor Chandan Saini ’14 Copy Editor Seth Harris ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Liaison to good sense Mr. Perry Petrich Non-Existent Discrimination Consultant Congressman Al Melvin

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The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested?

Email: Wrangler@brophybroncos.org A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2014

Now you too can neglect to recognize the racial and ethnic factors that comprise your friend’s identify!

Goes with any outfit!

Non-prescription: only requirements are bigotry, ignorance, and superficiality!

Helps you block out all the inconvenient glare of our nation’s history of discrimination and oppression!

Only costs two easy payments of your sensitivity and thoughtfulness!

Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.