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April 2015 Summit Reminder Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-Nine
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The Wrangler
News in Briefs What does restorative justice mean to you? by Max Kufel ’15
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• Quality of Summit speeches found to be proportional to length of speaker dreadlocks • “Nothing wrong with criminal justice system,” insists Polo Ralph Lauren-clad, Sperry Top Sider-wearing student from greater Scottsdale area • P.E. classes incorporate new “Green Mile” as part of Summit curriculum • J.J. Abrams mistakenly uses Summit poster as promo for upcoming Star Wars film • Putting hands over ears, wildy ululating students’ defense mechanism of choice for this year’s Summit • Six injured, three missing, one diagnosed with agoraphobia after stampede for seats during keynote speech • Minotaur reported in gym labyrinth actually identified as Tom Danforth
There really is no justice in this world. I have been locked in this transparent cage for years now, each day blending into an endless monotony. Twenty years I have lain here, serving out a sentence for a simple money laundering offense. Defeated, I have found it best to just give up. So I lie here, prisoner to my woe and humilitation. Adieu, dear observer, adieu. *Editors Note: At the time of print, we learned of the passing of this fish. RIP, dear friend.
To me, the most prevalent issue with the Summit each year is the fatal incompetency of the student body to comprehend the scope and the potential consequences of the topic at hand. Aside from childish attempts at eloquence, many students seem to mistake being informed with being outspoken, forming opinions founded in radical ideology unfit for academic discussion of legitimate value. I so belong in the Ivy-Covered League.
Little do y’all know, w/ my dope skills in tellin’ you yo body fat ratio, I can also tell you how likely you are to get this real money fam game strong. Roll up into the pod with your woes and I’ll throw you a fire mixtape to bump about restorative justice. After I give you some cold hard facts about your BMI, we’ll go savage on some Chipotle burros FTB and take a fat nap afterwards. We were talking about Victoria Justice, right?
What is cooking for today, Broncos? PING. PONG. PAPIIIII. The little Bronquitos are having their Summit right now… and you know what that means, DUOLINGO, veinte minutos! This Summit has outlined very well the benefits of Restorative Justice, but before I go into things… TA, TE, TI, TO…… *Pulled out air horn and blew three times*
Freshman motivated to “set world on fire,” Brophy becomes sentenced to life in prison for arson Blue Shackle School by Anand Swaminathan ’15
After being inspired to allegedly “set the world on fire” at the recent Summit closing ceremony, Brophy freshman Kin D. Ling ’18 has been taken into custody by the administration on multiple accounts of arson. The fourteen yearold and self-described “freshly pubescent” is now facing a life sentence without parole. “I was sitting there on Loyola Field just a few weeks ago, and I was so taken away with the speeches, “ explained Ling to reporters. “Hearing all those stories and lessons from the closing the ceremony, I was inspired to make a difference, to work toward achieving a more reasonable measure of restorative justice in this country. I knew I had to do one thing: follow the example of St. Ignatius of Loyola and set the world on fire.” Brophy authorities were swift to respond to the situation, pursuing and forcibly detaining the freshman immediately after hearing first reports of Ling’s fiery ambitions. Authorities detained Ling after purportedly detecting traces of soot and ash in his blood stream. Kin D. Ling, however, tells a different story: “I was just sitting in my car plotting a means to promote greater equity in our nation’s racial incarceration tendencies with an overarching goal of furthering general social justice for humanity when Mr. B came to my window and ordered me out! I heard some yelling about a fire, and before I knew it, I was lying facedown and handcuffed in the parking lot.”
by John Sittu ’15 & Alec Gonzales ’15
The Brophy Disciplinary Review Board quickly initiated trial proceedings, declaring a “zero-tolerance policy for worldwide arson.” As Ling explained to reporters, however, he was granted sparse defense. “I wanted a Speech and Debate coach to serve as my defense, maybe even a Mr. Damaso! Instead I got Danforth,” Ling explained, feeling no further explanation was needed. The Disciplinary Review Board considered a variety of punitive measures for Ling, even entertaining the idea of dousing Ling’s flame by fire extinguisher squad. After weeks of prolonged discussion, however, it was finally decided that Ling would be sentenced to life in prison on three accounts of pyromania and an intention to smoke out. Ling has been assigned to a cell in the Keating Bathroom, where he has begun to serve out his sentence. “I just wanted to fulfill St. Ignatius of Loyola’s clarion call to service and to honoring the human dignity of all people. Now, I’m a fourteen year-old serving a life sentence without parole because of a simple misunderstanding. There is no justice in this world!” Ling most recently told reporters that he is hoping to soon begin an appeals process, also adding a quiet request for a poster of Rita Hayworth and rock hammer.
PICTURED ABOVE: The Brophy Chapel proudly blazons new Blue Shackle Award Brophy has recently been certified a “Blue Shackle School” after successfully punishing a record number of students. The two-ton, royal blue iron shackles hang from Brophy’s famed tower, signifying JUG excellence and promoting nesting grounds and procreation for the rapidly declining pigeon population. Administrators from Xavier have scoffed at the new symbol, saying such brazen display of a blue symbol makes the school seem “too much like a prison.”