R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
ac bl k, ! ac ite bl h k, d w ac n bl , a n k, ac ow bl br in n, ow row b
April 2015 Summit Reminder Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-Nine
N
The Wrangler
News in Briefs What does restorative justice mean to you? by Max Kufel ’15
k
• Quality of Summit speeches found to be proportional to length of speaker dreadlocks • “Nothing wrong with criminal justice system,” insists Polo Ralph Lauren-clad, Sperry Top Sider-wearing student from greater Scottsdale area • P.E. classes incorporate new “Green Mile” as part of Summit curriculum • J.J. Abrams mistakenly uses Summit poster as promo for upcoming Star Wars film • Putting hands over ears, wildy ululating students’ defense mechanism of choice for this year’s Summit • Six injured, three missing, one diagnosed with agoraphobia after stampede for seats during keynote speech • Minotaur reported in gym labyrinth actually identified as Tom Danforth
There really is no justice in this world. I have been locked in this transparent cage for years now, each day blending into an endless monotony. Twenty years I have lain here, serving out a sentence for a simple money laundering offense. Defeated, I have found it best to just give up. So I lie here, prisoner to my woe and humilitation. Adieu, dear observer, adieu. *Editors Note: At the time of print, we learned of the passing of this fish. RIP, dear friend.
To me, the most prevalent issue with the Summit each year is the fatal incompetency of the student body to comprehend the scope and the potential consequences of the topic at hand. Aside from childish attempts at eloquence, many students seem to mistake being informed with being outspoken, forming opinions founded in radical ideology unfit for academic discussion of legitimate value. I so belong in the Ivy-Covered League.
Little do y’all know, w/ my dope skills in tellin’ you yo body fat ratio, I can also tell you how likely you are to get this real money fam game strong. Roll up into the pod with your woes and I’ll throw you a fire mixtape to bump about restorative justice. After I give you some cold hard facts about your BMI, we’ll go savage on some Chipotle burros FTB and take a fat nap afterwards. We were talking about Victoria Justice, right?
What is cooking for today, Broncos? PING. PONG. PAPIIIII. The little Bronquitos are having their Summit right now… and you know what that means, DUOLINGO, veinte minutos! This Summit has outlined very well the benefits of Restorative Justice, but before I go into things… TA, TE, TI, TO…… *Pulled out air horn and blew three times*
Freshman motivated to “set world on fire,” Brophy becomes sentenced to life in prison for arson Blue Shackle School by Anand Swaminathan ’15
After being inspired to allegedly “set the world on fire” at the recent Summit closing ceremony, Brophy freshman Kin D. Ling ’18 has been taken into custody by the administration on multiple accounts of arson. The fourteen yearold and self-described “freshly pubescent” is now facing a life sentence without parole. “I was sitting there on Loyola Field just a few weeks ago, and I was so taken away with the speeches, “ explained Ling to reporters. “Hearing all those stories and lessons from the closing the ceremony, I was inspired to make a difference, to work toward achieving a more reasonable measure of restorative justice in this country. I knew I had to do one thing: follow the example of St. Ignatius of Loyola and set the world on fire.” Brophy authorities were swift to respond to the situation, pursuing and forcibly detaining the freshman immediately after hearing first reports of Ling’s fiery ambitions. Authorities detained Ling after purportedly detecting traces of soot and ash in his blood stream. Kin D. Ling, however, tells a different story: “I was just sitting in my car plotting a means to promote greater equity in our nation’s racial incarceration tendencies with an overarching goal of furthering general social justice for humanity when Mr. B came to my window and ordered me out! I heard some yelling about a fire, and before I knew it, I was lying facedown and handcuffed in the parking lot.”
by John Sittu ’15 & Alec Gonzales ’15
The Brophy Disciplinary Review Board quickly initiated trial proceedings, declaring a “zero-tolerance policy for worldwide arson.” As Ling explained to reporters, however, he was granted sparse defense. “I wanted a Speech and Debate coach to serve as my defense, maybe even a Mr. Damaso! Instead I got Danforth,” Ling explained, feeling no further explanation was needed. The Disciplinary Review Board considered a variety of punitive measures for Ling, even entertaining the idea of dousing Ling’s flame by fire extinguisher squad. After weeks of prolonged discussion, however, it was finally decided that Ling would be sentenced to life in prison on three accounts of pyromania and an intention to smoke out. Ling has been assigned to a cell in the Keating Bathroom, where he has begun to serve out his sentence. “I just wanted to fulfill St. Ignatius of Loyola’s clarion call to service and to honoring the human dignity of all people. Now, I’m a fourteen year-old serving a life sentence without parole because of a simple misunderstanding. There is no justice in this world!” Ling most recently told reporters that he is hoping to soon begin an appeals process, also adding a quiet request for a poster of Rita Hayworth and rock hammer.
PICTURED ABOVE: The Brophy Chapel proudly blazons new Blue Shackle Award Brophy has recently been certified a “Blue Shackle School” after successfully punishing a record number of students. The two-ton, royal blue iron shackles hang from Brophy’s famed tower, signifying JUG excellence and promoting nesting grounds and procreation for the rapidly declining pigeon population. Administrators from Xavier have scoffed at the new symbol, saying such brazen display of a blue symbol makes the school seem “too much like a prison.”
Incarcerated senior considering Students driven to insanity single, double, or solitary confinement by ‘solitaire’ confinement by Anand Swaminathan ’15 living options for next year by Anand Swaminathan ’15 Saying that he is looking forward to the increased independence of living away from his parents next year, senior Kahn Vicht ’15 is mulling his single, double, and solitary confinement rooming options for prison next year. Vicht was convicted on multiple accounts of “grapeon-ground-dropping” and “tardiness,” and is now serving out a life sentence.
“But I’m just not sure how I’ll do with a cell mate – our living styles might be drastically different. Meanwhile, a single might provide some needed privacy from the stresses of prison life. Then there’s solitary confinement – the psychological terror, torturing isolation for extended periods of time, and general dehumanization just sounds so thrilling!
After being detained and sentenced, Vicht was given the choice between a single, double, and solitary confinement jail cell in Florence Prison. Vicht, however, is indecisive. “It’s commonly advised to do a double for your first year, since you have prison buddy right from the start, explained Vicht.
Kahn Vicht turned to the recently formed Florence Prison Class of 2044 to Life Facebook page for more advice. Helpful inmates passed on wisdom to incoming prison mates, posting comments from “In-prison dining options suck LOL” to “you really have to seek out attention from the guards on your own.” Many inmates have also chimed in on their living experiences, reviewing the solitary confinement option as “awful” and “degrading” and “the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Vicht has continued to weigh his options, even resorting to a pros and con’s list’ He explained: “Cramped spaces, limited lighting, extended periods of isolation, psychological deterioration — that’s what prison is all about! I just feel like solitary confinement will give me the best balance between having privacy and being able to stay in touch with the voices in my head. What do you think, Gerald?”
ABOVE: Vicht brandishes new prison tattoos depicting a pros and cons list for his rooming options next year.
Vicht reports, though, that he is most excited for the chance to simply live on his own, meet new people, and begin the first day of the rest of his life.
UP THERE: In isolation, a student mulls over his crimes against society, and also the queen of spades. A new policy from the Dean’s Office sentences repeat-offender students to “solitaire confinement.” These egregious leeches on society are separated from their peers and are forcibly thrust into an intensive game of sequential reasoning and variable matchmaking. Some students have reported playing the sequel “spider solitaire,” in which they play the exact same game but with ravenous arachnids crawling all over their bodies.
Privatization of JUG spells trouble for students by John Sittu ’15 Harsher punishments, longer sentencing, larger, unpayable requirements of Get-out-ofJUG-Free cards—these are the mounting challenges that face students in their upcoming years at Brophy. As the JUG program integrates the private JUGging sector, it is becoming more and more cost-effective for the administration to give contracts to outsider JUG offices with rather dubious intent.
gotten tough,” said Sal Mait ’18. “I’m a freshman with a beard, goshdarn it. This is not the life I wanted to live.”
However, despite claims that privatization is cheaper, it is devastating the economy. More incarcerated students means less revenue generated by Anand Swaminathan ’15 & Alec Gonzales ’15 from dances and events, and the replacement of maintenance guys with JUG drones is starving local families. And often the private facilities inWhen asked what he thought cur costs larger than agreed to about the burgeoning private contractually, and suspiciously JUG industry, Mr. John Bu- cite items such as $40,000 chanan said, “It really stiffens “pencils for rule-book copymy stache to stand (with my ing.” arms crossed) witness to such injustice. These places have “And to make even more clear incentive to turn lowly money, they’re cutting corners ICU misdemeanor perpetraon student rights, too,” said tors into hardened, beltless, Han Cuff ’15. “No gloves and tardy freaks of nature.” smaller bags force us to pocket trash, and sometimes even And studies show that recidcarry via mouth. The fiendish ivism rates are indeed on the helions don’t even let us comrise. Something in these JUG post.” facilities is transforming their inmates for the worse. But hope yet remains in the “Shawshank “Paul Fisko” “Extra Credit” “Recidi...relingering outcries of injustice “The place changes them, from the community. Redemption” cidiviv...recidiman,” says Brophy counselor vism?” and Duck Dynasty back-up ac- “We have to rehabilitate the Editors tor Mr. Gil Martinez. “In the offenders, not incentivize their Anand Swaminathan ’15 yards, the kids learn to double recidivism,” said Jay Ell ’17. Alec Gonzalez ’15 their beard growth, and there- “Despite that these kids are Max Kufel ’15 fore their recidivism rates. The leaving JUG at the overripe, John Sittu ’15 facilities are conditioning their decaying old age that is Tom JUGees to return to JUG later, Danforth, they may one day Moderators just as the JUGees are condibe in our classes, or right beSo you think you’re funny, eh? Well, so do we! tioning their beards. It’s where hind us in the lunch line.” Mr. John Damaso ’97 The Wrangler is seeking student contributors. I learned myself.” Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Amount of hoopla
Student response to Summit “buzzwords”
Wrangler@brophybroncos.org
Prison Insider Martha Stewart
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2015
Ex-cons report stories consistent with Martinez’s: “I’ve