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“The Dutch” construction zone being converted into monster truck arena
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• Students who buy lunch becoming increasingly tan from waiting in hot, sweat-inducing lunch line
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News in Briefs
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R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
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October 2015 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-One: The Freshmen Edition
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The Wrangler By Nikolas Kirk ’19
• Freshman Class stays up past bedtime during the Frosh Retreat, falls asleep during first period • Freshman ICU levels rise as Smashy Road becomes more popular • Students convinced that Mr. Lewkowitz plans to take over world with 3D-printed Transformers • Freshman short of cash starts petition for AJ’s to accept Freedom Pay • Freshmen adding and dropping clubs at record rates • Class of 2020 projected to coin phrase, “Only early 2000’s kids will remember this…” • Shadow gets JUG, still confused as to what that means • PLAN test projects that freshman will grow up to become John Cena • Administration starts using “#hashtags” to appeal to “the youths”
RIGHT ON TOP OF THESE WORDS: Professional monster truck drivers practice their routine on the relatively new construction site. In a surprising turn of events, Father Edward Reese, S.J., and the Board of Trustees have recently voted to change “The Dutch” construction area into a monster truck rally arena. The construction zone, located next to the Brophy Aquatic Center, is currently a large, open hole in the ground with sloped edges that form a perfect arena. The Monster Truck Association of 'Murica (MTAOM) has yet to officially announce the completion date of the new arena. However, there seems to be no turning back from the plan now. The conversion is set to begin immediately, and monster truck trailers, drivers, and staff are currently setting up camp in the parking lot adjacent to the construction site.
Many students and faculty quickly responded to this decision. “I cannot believe they would put the MTAOM over student sports and activities, but then again, I do love monster trucks,” said coach Mr. Scott Heideman. When teacher Sr. Córdova was alerted of the decision, he replied, “¡Calidad papá!” Student Jamal Wallace ’19 said, “Doesn’t Fr. Reese understand that ball is life?” “What’s “The Dutch”? I thought that construction was for a repository to store Mr. Middlemist’s students’ tears,” said another student. “The change in plans will help bring in more revenue for Brophy, and just simply make it that much more awesome than other
Looking back at the Frosh Retreat
By Van Scott ’19 & Karson Hawkins ’19
ON MY RIGHT, NOT YOUR RIGHT: A look through the eyes of a sleep-deprived freshman after the Rick Roll wake up call. ON YOUR LEFT, NOT MY RIGHT: This scientifically conducted poll shows how freshmen felt about their retreating experience.
valley high schools,” said Fr. Reese. He then added that, “I know that some of the Brophy community is against this decision, but just think of how awesome Friday Night Lights will be with a monster truck rally! Plus, Waffles loves the idea, so it must be implemented,” said Fr. Reese, in response to the complaints made by faculty and students. In fact, Fr. Reese is so committed to the plan, that he bought his own monster truck named Breakfast of Waffles. Many are petitioning the decision made by Fr. Reese and the Board of Trustees, but as the days pass, the monster truck arena seems more and more likely to be constructed. The arena should be completed by the end of this year. It will be open to the Brophy community by the next school year.