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“The Dutch” construction zone being converted into monster truck arena
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• Students who buy lunch becoming increasingly tan from waiting in hot, sweat-inducing lunch line
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News in Briefs
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October 2015 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-One: The Freshmen Edition
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The Wrangler By Nikolas Kirk ’19
• Freshman Class stays up past bedtime during the Frosh Retreat, falls asleep during first period • Freshman ICU levels rise as Smashy Road becomes more popular • Students convinced that Mr. Lewkowitz plans to take over world with 3D-printed Transformers • Freshman short of cash starts petition for AJ’s to accept Freedom Pay • Freshmen adding and dropping clubs at record rates • Class of 2020 projected to coin phrase, “Only early 2000’s kids will remember this…” • Shadow gets JUG, still confused as to what that means • PLAN test projects that freshman will grow up to become John Cena • Administration starts using “#hashtags” to appeal to “the youths”
RIGHT ON TOP OF THESE WORDS: Professional monster truck drivers practice their routine on the relatively new construction site. In a surprising turn of events, Father Edward Reese, S.J., and the Board of Trustees have recently voted to change “The Dutch” construction area into a monster truck rally arena. The construction zone, located next to the Brophy Aquatic Center, is currently a large, open hole in the ground with sloped edges that form a perfect arena. The Monster Truck Association of 'Murica (MTAOM) has yet to officially announce the completion date of the new arena. However, there seems to be no turning back from the plan now. The conversion is set to begin immediately, and monster truck trailers, drivers, and staff are currently setting up camp in the parking lot adjacent to the construction site.
Many students and faculty quickly responded to this decision. “I cannot believe they would put the MTAOM over student sports and activities, but then again, I do love monster trucks,” said coach Mr. Scott Heideman. When teacher Sr. Córdova was alerted of the decision, he replied, “¡Calidad papá!” Student Jamal Wallace ’19 said, “Doesn’t Fr. Reese understand that ball is life?” “What’s “The Dutch”? I thought that construction was for a repository to store Mr. Middlemist’s students’ tears,” said another student. “The change in plans will help bring in more revenue for Brophy, and just simply make it that much more awesome than other
Looking back at the Frosh Retreat
By Van Scott ’19 & Karson Hawkins ’19
ON MY RIGHT, NOT YOUR RIGHT: A look through the eyes of a sleep-deprived freshman after the Rick Roll wake up call. ON YOUR LEFT, NOT MY RIGHT: This scientifically conducted poll shows how freshmen felt about their retreating experience.
valley high schools,” said Fr. Reese. He then added that, “I know that some of the Brophy community is against this decision, but just think of how awesome Friday Night Lights will be with a monster truck rally! Plus, Waffles loves the idea, so it must be implemented,” said Fr. Reese, in response to the complaints made by faculty and students. In fact, Fr. Reese is so committed to the plan, that he bought his own monster truck named Breakfast of Waffles. Many are petitioning the decision made by Fr. Reese and the Board of Trustees, but as the days pass, the monster truck arena seems more and more likely to be constructed. The arena should be completed by the end of this year. It will be open to the Brophy community by the next school year.
Poster vandalism leads to increase in Brophy security
By Brenden Hoogesteger ’19
On Monday, September 14th, Mr. Shores walked into his classroom and found one of his posters had been tampered with. The poster, as shown on the right, read, "What is love?" with the phrase "Baby don't hurt me" scribbled underneath. Mr. Shores suspects that one of the freshmen did this over the Frosh Retreat as an attempt to be funny. Mr. Shores declined to be interviewed for this article, due to a mourning session he is holding for his beloved poster.
about whether Mr. Buchanan wants this Segway for "safety" or if he wants a Segway for "cruisin’." When asked about his intentions of the Segway, he said, "This Segway will only be used for security, nothing more, and nothing less."
Mr. Buchanan is just as upset as Mr. Shores, and has now requested a Segway so that he can patrol the campus and "prevent something like this from ever happening again." Some teachers have their doubts
Lastly, Mr. Buchanan and Mr. Shores wanted The Wrangler to inform the student body that "whoever did this, we will find you. We will JUG you."
Mr. Shores and Mr. Buchanan have joined together and made a petition to acquire a Segway, because they "want to prevent any more tragedies from occurring."
RIGHT TO THE LEFT: The aforementioned vandalized poster in Mr. Shores’s room.
Lunch line delays due to new security checkpoints
By Karson Hawkins ’19
Due to Brophy's new security system, which is expected to be fully implemented by Spring 2016, the process of buying lunch will be made increasingly complicated. New "safety stations" will be placed every few yards, and each consists of two metal detectors, thumb scanners, and a ten-question survey (not including a tricky true or false section). Even worse, you have to take off your shoes. Waitnin Lyne ’18 states, "There's no such thing as too careful,” and is hopeful for a safer dining experience. However, other students have a different view of this new system, ranging from "it won't bother me too much,” to "the pizza isn't worth four dollars if it's cold.” With mixed reactions from the student body, only time will tell how this will sit with the Broncos. Through much research by the Wrangler Wresearch Facility, we found out more on just what the security precautions were for each station. Each metal detector is normal, but the thumb scanners and the survey is where it gets interesting. Each thumb scanner is equipped with thermometers that test whether you're at 212 degrees or not, and such a question has been found present on the true or false section of the survey. "You can't take these kinds of
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things lightly," says Coach Heideman. Other questions on the survey include things such as: • Do you have any malicious intentions towards the Brophy dining population? • Are you an agent from the government who may have any malicious intentions towards the Brophy dining population? • Do you believe Michael's should charge four dollars for their pizza if it happens to be cold, and if they did would it make you feel any malicious intentions towards the
LOOK UP: That tricky true or false section.
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Michael’s reported having reactions just as mixed as those of the students. Some decided not to worry about it, but many were concerned for their futures, including Leopold Lee, a humble and hardworking employee. "The thing is", he said towards the conclusion of the interview, "I'm having serious doubts that our pizza will be worth four dollars if it's cold". While Michael'sis working hard on finding more advanced technology to keep their food hot, the leaders of such an industry, Hot Stuff,is denying them even the opportunity to buy the kind of gadgets needed to keep pizza hot for more than twentyminutes, which is the expected wait time if these security precautions take effect.
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Cut out this image for 50% off a copy of Mr. Kalkman’s new album!
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Join The Wrangler! All material in this edition of The Wrangler was produced by members of the Class of 2019.
Editors AK Alilonu ’16 Ivan Lashinsky ’18 Joe Welty ’16 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
These are among many other possible questions predicted to be on the survey. The Wrangler's advice: study up.
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@BrophyWrangler’s Top Tweets
Brophy dining population? • Do you believe that people should be allowed to play Smite on Xbox? • When was the last time you played a rage inducing video game? • Did it give you feelings of any malicious intentions towards the Brophy dining population?
Freshmen can do it, sophomores can do it, juniors can do it, and seniors can but probably won’t do it. You can too! Send material for The Wrangler’s print edition or its Twitter account to wrangler@brophybroncos.org. A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2015
PHOTO BY ALEJANDRO
HERNANDEZ ’19