Wrangler No. 43

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News in Briefs Fisko takes Turkey Drive too literally • Lewkowitz mortgages the Innovation Commons while shopping for Cyber Monday deals

By Cooper Dinowitz ’17 ON YOUR LEFT: You will see the speed camera photo taken of one of the turkeys driving on Camelback.

• Absurd amount of students out sick with “Fallout Fever” after release of Fallout 4 • Fisko’s Boyz II Men 4 Others astounds audience at FAE • In order to catch up with the seasons, Mr. Kelly paints Brophy’s leaves brown and red • Rumors emerge: Mr. Lewkowitz 3D-prints entire Thanksgiving meal • Waffles replaces Snoopy in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade • Brophy students buy new Thanksgiving meals from Michael’s with Freedom Pay cards • Mothers working in Varsity Shop trampled by freshmen buying the all new exclusive Brophy toaster • Freshmen performing at FAE interrupted by Kanye West during performance

Every year around this time, Brophy students generously donate to the Turkey Drive. Run by Mr. Paul Fisko and the OFJ, the Turkey Drive is a great way to raise money for a good cause during the holidays. This year, however, rumors emerged that Fisko’s beloved Turkey Drive may be shifting its charitable focus. Fisko announced earlier this week that the Turkey Drive will be donating money to give out driver’s licenses to actual wild turkeys.

“When I first saw the words turkey and drive together, a lightbulb just went off in my brain,” says Fisko. “Turkeys shouldn’t have

to waddle around from place to place, and it is our duty as men for others to get their feathery bodies behind a steering wheel!”

As funds are streaming in from sixth period classrooms, the OFJ is becoming stuffed with eager turkeys dreaming of cruising down Camelback at top speeds of 15 miles per hour. One eager fowl, Mr. Turk Keye, had this to say about the process: “Gobble gobble gobble! Gobble go.....bble. Gobble gobble?”.

Some Brophy faculty members and students, however, are outraged with the idea of wasting

money on supporting Fisko’s pro-turkey scheme. “We already have the Aux, POP, North, and South lots. What’s next, the Turkey lot?” says Mr. Patrick Higgins.

“What about giving licenses to chickens!?” says freshman Cluck Gobbleson.

The issue of turkey transportation has long been up in the air, but hopefully through his diligent efforts, Mr. Fisko has solved that problem once and for all with the new and improved Turkey Drive. The only remaining question is this: what will Mr. Fisko do for the Elf Drive?

Men’s choir “Lipgate” scandal ... Olson to blame?

By Max Basile ‘17

missed student.

If you would like to report an anonymous tip concerning Lipgate, please contact (123-WRANGLER). Every call counts. With your help, we can put an end to this trickery once and for all.

“It all started five years ago. We were unprepared, underpaid, and overdressed,” recalls ex-Brophy Men’s Choir student. “We had to go on and perform in one hour, and we just weren’t ready… I’m sorry, can we take a break?”

podcast “The Brophy Lasso” (now available on iTunes). Members of the podcast attempted to have Mr. Olson defend his case during their latest addition.

These were the last words we ever heard from this alum since he exposed the hidden truth after all these years. According to a covert resource, Brophy Choir lip syncs.

Mr. Papa Olson has since tried his best to lay low, though his influence ON YOUR ANTI-LEFT: is estimated to have spread. There Anti-Lipgate propaganda are dozens of incidents tied to this produced by anti-Olson “conspiracy,” stretching all the way anti-enemies. from California to right here in Central Phoenix. Studies estimate five and a half out of every fifteen Broncos have been affected by Lipgate.

Sources appear to trace Lipgate all the way back to 2003, when Papa Olson first came to the Brophy scene. Concrete evidence has yet to surface, though suspicion and speculation should be at an all time high as the semester reaches towards the annual Winter Choir Concert. Concert-goers are predicted to be on high alert as recent allegations reached the locally renowned and highly informative

“No comment,” stated Mr. Olson.

“I was so distraught when I found out they didn’t actually sing. I couldn’t do any of my homework for the rest of the semester or show up to school!” exclaimed a recently dis-

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The Wrangler

Mr. B. thwarts undergound turkey smuggling during FAE

Mr. McShane’s extreme Thanksgiving

By Gray Olson ‘17

By Nikolas Kirk ’19 As said by Dean Higgins, “the mighty Mr. B. has once again proven his affinity for justice.” In a recent series of events, Mr. B. put an end to Mr. McShane’s unnoticed Thanksgiving plots: an underground turkey trading ring and a conspiracy to crash the Fine Arts Extravaganza.

“He’s the perfect inside man,” said Mr. B. “He teaches at Brophy, he moderates clubs, and he sings for the Turkey Drive, all top-notch disguises to pull this kind of thing off.”

Mr. B. first caught on to Mr. McShane when he saw students giving him money during his performances outside the Great Hall.

“It was a little fishy. The same students kept giving him large amounts of money.

I had to investigate,” said Mr. B. A well-executed sting operation that involved the use of long hair, rock band T-shirts, and some knowledge of rock ‘n’ roll allowed Mr. B. to quickly realize Mr. McShane’s source of income: an underground turkey trading ring involving much of Brophy’s staff and faculty.

“I saw the trading grounds. They were filthy, loud, and, for some reason, reminded me that I needed to buy a turkey

for Thanksgiving,” said Mr. B. However, hedecided against thwarting Mr. McShane right away. Instead, Mr. B. continued his sting operation to learn more about Mr. McShane’s operations. After several JUGs from Dean Higgins for not following dress code, Mr. B. finally got into Mr. McShane’s tight-knit ring of student officers. That’s when he learned of the FAE conspiracy.

McShane’s plans to crash the FAE were deeply entwined with his involvement in Musician’s Exchange, which was scheduled to perform that night. He hoped to take over the stage and rock out with his own rock band. The students were a means to accomplishing his dream. I wasn’t shocked when I found out. He had already proven to me he was an opportunistic ring leader. However, I knew I needed to stop his plans,” said Mr. McShane in his own defense. “Plus, that turkey ring getting me money to produce my ‘Thanksgiving’s Greatest Hits’ album.”

Mr. McShane will be tried for his actions.

“The jury will consist of Brophy faculty who didn’t participate in the turkey ring, and the judge will be none other than Waffles, said the court reporter.” Regardless of the result, this story goes to prove Mr. B.’s wit and persistence when it comes to justice.

The Wrangler’s favorite protein-packed holiday dinner recipes

By Ben Schneider ‘17 As the month of November passes us for another year, we once again reminisce of devouring mass amounts of potatoes, stuffing, bread, sauces, and turkey until reaching a tryptophan-induced coma on a holiday we like to call Thanksgiving.

Yes, these foods are absolutely delicious, and, of course, we would never mean to deprive you from the normal holiday festivities. But beware, each year, as you slip into your turkey coma of peace, on your insides, a fierce and perilous war begins to rage, a war on your gainz.

By Bryce Grove ’19

The very gainz you put your own blood, sweat, and tears into are under attack, and only you can save them. You may be questioning yourself at this very moment: “What did my gainz do to deserve this treachery?!” or “How can I stop this merciless massacre of gainz?” Fear not because The Wrangler has prepared a list of recipes so that your next Thanksgiving is so packed with protein, it’ll make the Michael’s teacher barbecues look like a vegan salad bar out of Flower Child.

Submit to wrangler@brophybroncos.org.

(DISCLAIMER: There will be no ice cream given to you in The Wrangler).

Jello Salad: 50 packets of Gatorade chews will feed about 10 people, 5 if you’re huge.

Mashed Potatoes: First, make sure you bought extra chicken nuggets.

Good, now grind those up

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Stuffing: Step 1: Ditch the bread... and whatever else is in stuffing; Step 2: head to Michael’s to buy 10 servings of chicken nuggets; Step 3- Remove all breading.

TOPICAL TWEETZ!!!

Editors Alex Bhatt ’17 Max Basile ’17 Cooper Dinowitz ’17 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96

A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2015

and mix them with a protein shake for a better texture.

Sometimes it’s tough to get them thick enough, so make sure your powder to water ratio is extra high.

Turkey: The key here is the seasoning. Mix 2 cups of pre-workout with your favorite mass gainer and coat the entire Turkey with the mixture.

Expect about 5 days of of cook time in a Great Hall microwave.