Boos in Briefs
R e a l. U N co m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
Monster Teachers: Students Beware
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Spooktober 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Fifty-Three
P a Te
The Strangler By: Spook-er Dinowitz ‘17
• Juniors blame witches for poor grades on Scarlet Letter tests • Mr. Kelly and Stagecraft class construct real haunted house; get kicked out by stressed teenage monster • Bat Infestation temporarily closes Brophy Chapel • Mr. Middlemist starts petition to get staff-wide Star Wars costumes on Halloween • Mr. Mazzolini creates supernatural technology and becomes a ghost buster • Students wear Trump and Clinton masks on Halloween; win award for scariest costume • Shadow student dies from Gauntlet of Death; haunts Heideman for rest of the year • Students start Clown Student Union to protest unfair discrimination • Mad chem teachers create evil potions in lab; students still can’t write the chemical equations for the potions • Statues come to life around campus on night of Halloween, and they’re, like, really stressed about the AP Calculus test this week • Saturday JUG held in the Upside Down; overseen by the Dean-agorgon • Seniors see Halloween falls on a Monday this year; 23 scared to death, 15 taken to hospital with reported cases of the spooks
There’s always been a feeling of mystery and eeriness around Brophy during Halloween. Wolf howls have been heard, a single bat has been looming over campus, and strange experiments have been conducted with the use of lightning. Nobody has known the real reason for these strange occurrences, but now, thanks to our Wrangler team of supernatural investigators, the veil of secrecy has been lifted. One of our detectives, Marty Shelley '19, has discovered that Mr. Tom Danforth '1693 is the real Frankenstein monster. His guttural grunts and snarls have given slight indication of his monstrous nature, but his new neck bolts seemed to really give it away. Not to mention, his
ghastly shuffle through the hallways further strengthens this new discovery. Also, Mr. Chris Agliano was revealed to be the Wolf Man. Howling throughout Brophy hall, Mr. Agliano had been keeping his secret since he
was first bitten many years ago. Each full moon transforms him into his lupine form, which explains his mysterious period of absence earlier this year. Our final discovery on campus came to the Wrangler in the form of a coffin with an acoustic guitar lying beside it. The guitar belonged to none other than Mr. Lane McShane '1449, who was outed as being a vampire. With his slick fedora and tinted glasses, McShane is always trying to avoid getting destroyed by the sunlight. Also, it is no coincidence that he is moderating the new “Garlic Haters” club. However spooky these teachers may seem, their excellence in the classroom overshadows their monstrous alter-egos.
The Legend of the Absent Bronco By: "Monsterous" Michael Murphy ‘18
Mysterious things have been happening on the Brophy campus in the past weeks. The zombie-like students have been commenting on the strange disappearance of the Brophy mascot, the Bronco. Nobody has seen his likes around campus the past few days, other than at night to promote Brophy. On top of that, no student (other than the Cult of StuCo) knows the identity of the evasive Bronco. These strange circumstances have led to a series of myths and tales surrounding the Bronco as to where he goes during the day in the month of October. A quick warning: these stories are too
spooky for children under the age of 13, so reader discretion is advised. Legend says that the Bronco was just an average student 7 years ago. Some of the faculty remember one Jekyll Hyde ‘08 being a very discreet and inconspicuous student among the masses of Brophy. Just like the average Brophy student, he was smart, kind, and obsessive over the newest game. Until the day of October 13th, which landed on a Friday that year. As the story goes, Jekyll was walking through the Brophy campus after a fun Friday Night Lights when, all of the sudden, he realized he was alone. He started to see shadows
lurking towards him through the chapel, slowly approaching where he stood in the Mall. He quickly tried to Skype the police on his Thinkpad, but to no avail. In the moment when Jekyll thought his life was over, a shadowy figure arose from the Ignatius Statue to reveal the face of his stalker! After all that build up, it was just Dean Higgins, reminding all students to drive safely and pick up trash from the night’s festivities. As for the Bronco, Jekyll volunteered to be the Bronco the next monday after his spooky run-in that Friday, and it’s been him ever since.