Boos in Briefs
R e a l. U N co m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
Monster Teachers: Students Beware
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Spooktober 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Fifty-Three
P a Te
The Strangler By: Spook-er Dinowitz ‘17
• Juniors blame witches for poor grades on Scarlet Letter tests • Mr. Kelly and Stagecraft class construct real haunted house; get kicked out by stressed teenage monster • Bat Infestation temporarily closes Brophy Chapel • Mr. Middlemist starts petition to get staff-wide Star Wars costumes on Halloween • Mr. Mazzolini creates supernatural technology and becomes a ghost buster • Students wear Trump and Clinton masks on Halloween; win award for scariest costume • Shadow student dies from Gauntlet of Death; haunts Heideman for rest of the year • Students start Clown Student Union to protest unfair discrimination • Mad chem teachers create evil potions in lab; students still can’t write the chemical equations for the potions • Statues come to life around campus on night of Halloween, and they’re, like, really stressed about the AP Calculus test this week • Saturday JUG held in the Upside Down; overseen by the Dean-agorgon • Seniors see Halloween falls on a Monday this year; 23 scared to death, 15 taken to hospital with reported cases of the spooks
There’s always been a feeling of mystery and eeriness around Brophy during Halloween. Wolf howls have been heard, a single bat has been looming over campus, and strange experiments have been conducted with the use of lightning. Nobody has known the real reason for these strange occurrences, but now, thanks to our Wrangler team of supernatural investigators, the veil of secrecy has been lifted. One of our detectives, Marty Shelley '19, has discovered that Mr. Tom Danforth '1693 is the real Frankenstein monster. His guttural grunts and snarls have given slight indication of his monstrous nature, but his new neck bolts seemed to really give it away. Not to mention, his
ghastly shuffle through the hallways further strengthens this new discovery. Also, Mr. Chris Agliano was revealed to be the Wolf Man. Howling throughout Brophy hall, Mr. Agliano had been keeping his secret since he
was first bitten many years ago. Each full moon transforms him into his lupine form, which explains his mysterious period of absence earlier this year. Our final discovery on campus came to the Wrangler in the form of a coffin with an acoustic guitar lying beside it. The guitar belonged to none other than Mr. Lane McShane '1449, who was outed as being a vampire. With his slick fedora and tinted glasses, McShane is always trying to avoid getting destroyed by the sunlight. Also, it is no coincidence that he is moderating the new “Garlic Haters” club. However spooky these teachers may seem, their excellence in the classroom overshadows their monstrous alter-egos.
The Legend of the Absent Bronco By: "Monsterous" Michael Murphy ‘18
Mysterious things have been happening on the Brophy campus in the past weeks. The zombie-like students have been commenting on the strange disappearance of the Brophy mascot, the Bronco. Nobody has seen his likes around campus the past few days, other than at night to promote Brophy. On top of that, no student (other than the Cult of StuCo) knows the identity of the evasive Bronco. These strange circumstances have led to a series of myths and tales surrounding the Bronco as to where he goes during the day in the month of October. A quick warning: these stories are too
spooky for children under the age of 13, so reader discretion is advised. Legend says that the Bronco was just an average student 7 years ago. Some of the faculty remember one Jekyll Hyde ‘08 being a very discreet and inconspicuous student among the masses of Brophy. Just like the average Brophy student, he was smart, kind, and obsessive over the newest game. Until the day of October 13th, which landed on a Friday that year. As the story goes, Jekyll was walking through the Brophy campus after a fun Friday Night Lights when, all of the sudden, he realized he was alone. He started to see shadows
lurking towards him through the chapel, slowly approaching where he stood in the Mall. He quickly tried to Skype the police on his Thinkpad, but to no avail. In the moment when Jekyll thought his life was over, a shadowy figure arose from the Ignatius Statue to reveal the face of his stalker! After all that build up, it was just Dean Higgins, reminding all students to drive safely and pick up trash from the night’s festivities. As for the Bronco, Jekyll volunteered to be the Bronco the next monday after his spooky run-in that Friday, and it’s been him ever since.
Brophy Struggles with Clown Epidemic
Coming soon to Netflix
By: Nate Anderson ‘19 and Jack Keeton ‘19
By: Patrick Lee ‘19
In addition to the numerous clown sightings across America, our own Brophy community is reporting clown sightings. Mr. Donlan’s clown, Chuckles, has been sighted lurking around the Brophy campus. There have been numerous sightings in Eller and even some cases of soiled pants. When Mr. Donlan was asked to comment on the subject he said, “No comment.” Students are beginning to be concerned about this recent trend with clowns. Because of this, we
Dat One: This spooky thriller, featuring your favorite Brophy personalities, is coming to a Netflix queue near you.
have decided to employ Wrangler members as watchmen around the Brophy community under the name “Clown Watch”. The team leader has commented recently on their progress of catching Chuckles: “We have lost four of our initial ten members to cases of ambivalence. Nobody seems to care about the clown issue anymore.” Although this might be one of the more scary social media fads, we will keep you apprised in the updates of the investigation.
Reported Hauntings Postpone the “Dutch"
Brophy’s Very Own Obituary Section
By: Ray-Gun Link ‘20
By: Nik-killer Kirk ‘19
All around campus, there have been reports of strange occurrences: sightings of strange figures; people where they shouldn’t be; lights in construction zones turning on and off, on and off again in the dead of night. All of the reports trace back to Brophy’s newest addition on campus, “The Dutch". Dozens of students at Homecoming reported seeing ghastly figures inside of the new gym. At first, students assumed that Brophy went all out for the Harry Potter theme; yet later in the night, students started
hearing screams coming from the gym and all of the figures had vanished. Cowardly freshman left the Homecoming dance early as they attempted to conceal their high pitched squeals in front of their dates. In this past week, construction workers in the gym told The Wrangler that they had heard mysterious sounds coming from the unfinished basement. Some construction workers have refused to come onto the site again, claiming that it is haunted. For the past ten years, the gym has been postponed
for unknown reasons and these hauntings could be the cause. After much field work, The Wrangler team has found the answer. “The Dutch” has been built on an ancient Indian burial ground. There is no other explanation (except some conspiracy theories made by Mr. McShane '1449 that shouldn’t be noted). This finding has, yet again, postponed the building of the new gym as construction workers run scared. Brophy staff says a solution is unknown at this point in time. Who ya gonna call?
Mr. Austin Pidgeon '08 Epitaph: “Here lies the most indie teacher to ever exist and creator of hit songs ‘Spread Your Wings like a Pigeon’ and ‘Fly Slow'." Cause of death: Head trauma after nasty crossover broke his ankles and caused him to fall to the basketball court. Mr. Doug Cox Epitaph: “Here lies the most famous math YouTuber to ever grace the face of the Internet." Cause of death: Extreme sleep deprivation after going eight days straight doing nothing but making math videos. Mr. Andy Mazzolini Epitaph: “Here lies Brophy’s very own Walter White, aka Mazzenberg.” Cause of death: Freak chemical explosion after attempting to recreate the chemical process in Breaking Bad. Mrs. Kristin Venberg Epitaph: “Here lies the 'mom' of history, economics, and Brophy in general.” Cause of death: Avalanche in the Swiss Alps while simultaneously skiing and taking APUSH notes.
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Preditors
Listen to our new podcast, Horseplay!
Max Basile ‘17 Cooper Dinowitz ‘17 Michael Murphy ‘18 Mark John Haak ‘18
Moderators
Mr. John Damaso ’97 Ms. Serena Crosson Mr. Steve Smith ’96
A.M.D.G. The Strangler © 2016
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