Had No Plans

Had No Plans

11 - 16

An

ll e tr

n h Jo

n o s

Until the lion learns to write his own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection.

These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities.

While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books.

In collaboration with

Had No Plans Antrell Johnson

What’s up, big bro? I’m missing you down here.

I’m looking back at when I last saw you. It was on my birthday, November 12, 2016. I didn’t have any plans, but you dragged me out of the house. We didn’t think this would be our last day together. I remember every detail from that day.

You called me. I was layed up with a female. You like, “Come outside.” I hopped out of bed, put my clothes on, went toward the door. My female yelling at me, “Where you think you going? Let me guess, to them nothing-ass hoes.” I turned around and said, “Bae, I’m finna come right back. That’s Tone and Phat-Man outside. Come on the porch, give me a kiss.” She said, “No,” then said, “I don’t like you ass.” I respond, “But you sure do love me,” with a smile. She gave me a kiss and said, “On my grandaddy, if you don’t come back in tonight at a right time, I’m not gonna be here whenever you decide to come in. Now think I’m playing.” I said, “You don’t wanna get fucked up?” She didn’t, so I walked away and got in the car, and Phat-Man drove away.

After about thirty minutes in the car, I was scared ’cause Phat-man was driving crazy. We was smoking, drinking. You and I was in the back talking about how we finna get this money.

Thirty minutes later, we made it to our destination and got out of the car. Me and you stood back by the car talking, and Phat went inside the house. You told me, “Lil bro, stop taking up for them shorties, they always in some bullshit. Leave that shit where it’s at. You got my lil cousin pregnant. I’ll be damned if I let you leave her out here by herself.” I respond, “I got you, broskie.”

When we walk in the crib, there was Hennessy, Patrón, Rémy, you name it, on the bar stand and pool table, with a lot of weed. I told you that I had to go ’cause shorty was blowing my phone up. You said, “Nigga, it’s your birthday, pussy. Fuck her, you lucky I’m not telling my cousin.” I say, “Damn, that’s the type of shit you on, huh?” We both start laughing. After that, you took my phone for the whole night, and told me, “I got shorty ’nem upstairs fixing us some tacos.” I laugh out loud. Our conversation was stopped by Phat-Man running down the stairs. Phat-Man said, “Man, shorty with them glasses on look decent and got a shape on her.” I jump off the bar and ask, “Phat-Man, where she at?” You smile at me and say, “Look, you not thinking about shorty now, with your thot ass.” We laugh. I run upstairs, damn near falling upstairs to where the females was.

After I saw her and exchanged a few words, I came back downstairs to where you and Phat-Man was. I told y’all, “I got her!” Y’all both said, “On what?” I said, “On B. I got her!”

re

The

taco

s

d , an

ld

I to

,“ you

ng alki t l l ’a er of y anoth y?” airs h t b t s a r o .I u the wn. p, b se b t’s po ow up u n u w s a o ’ at Le ec do me d thr ing , “B said, “ onna a “Wh d c . i m d a o e g i ou sa es as es c n sh you ” Sh le G. Y hat I w up.” ass r whe l ? ” , g y t ke az ub w he he sha e cr up Do ou said ill thro th t eeted i a w w t l r o w k w r Y i g g o g l ,I oo t.”

“H and the We al er, and sh eal fas omach d w h o a ” . k o t s Is as ys sg her os r goe ook You ach ot se tac g on m l ” she . e h e e n zy n, s cra ook at e of th t nothi l m l a a ’ l n “D o e “Y t pu aid, by.” W e bite I don’ s e Sh t lil ba “Let m ga, if , u ig abo ” I said you, n . cup “I told , i sa d our with

Shorty walked over to us and asked for a cup. You told her, “Tell my lil brother happy glo-day first.” Her face drop, and she pushed me and said, ”T-baby, why you didn’t tell me it was your birthday?”

I was about to respond, but you stopped me and said, “Hello! Say happy b-day.” She grabbed me, and we walked in the room and closed the door. We wasn’t in the room 60 seconds before you came beating on the door. She opened the door and said, “What, Tone? Didn’t you tell me to say happy birthday?” You walked past her and said, “It’s both our birthday.”

She laughed and shook her head and walked out the room. I told you, “On Boochie grave, you a clown.” You said, “Shut up pussy, I did you a favor. You don’t need to be cheating anyway.” We left out the room, and went to tell shorty ’nem we about to go get some more weed.

They ask if they can trail us. We look at each other and said, “Okay.” When we got in the car, you said, “Since they wanna follow us, we about to hit Lake Shore Drive.”

Damn, Bro!

Or ay. ook d c he or t p and f o int et u get “to g o t ut me abo elling e tw p, t wha aslee e m I’m king while s a e ay, y d p of m r e ev on to ne o h ing p my , jump g e in call hous ” u e o i t. y t iss ur aun a blun m yo up ally I re ing to r roll o com ething som

I remember the first time I met you. I never thought we would

turn out to be so close.

pt riding past in that Phat-Man, and Trell ke u, yo d an e, on ph in us know me at that one back. You didn’t That day, I took your co ph ka on De t ge to ing Man was try black rental car. Phatays heard about me. time, but you had alw

I was walking, and Trell and them pulled up on me. I started talking real crazy. I was about to fight Phat-Man. I was talking real disrespectful towards him, and you told Phat-Man, “You gonna let this nigga talk to you like this?”

Trell said, “That’s T-baby, Deonka baby daddy.” Instead of him doing something, y’all just drove off.

When y’all pulled off, I walked across the street and started talking to some girls I knew that were sitting out there drinking.

I was drinking and laughing with them, when one of them said, “Do you see that boy on the corner? He look like he up to something.” Another one of them said, “Girl, that’s his in-law,” talking about me. I respond, “WTF, you mean—” She says, “That’s yo lil girlfriend cousin.” So I walk towards you. When I get closer, you put your hand out to shake mind. We shake, and you say, “I’m Tone, Trell big brother” I’m like, “Yeah.” You like, “That was me in the back seat of the car.” You go on to say, “You got my favorite lil cousin pregnant, and if you hurt her, we gonna have a problem.” We both laugh. I ask what you drink, but I can’t remember what you said. I said, “Come on, let’s walk to the Blue store and get a fifth of Hen-dog.” As we were walking, you said, “We need to start hanging together, ’cause you been hanging with my little brother but he not really built like that.” I said, “Aight.”

We walked back to 66th and started chilling and just talking. You was like, “I bet my OG wondering where I’m at.” You was sitting on the church out of sight when your lil brother Trell and Unc pull up, asking if I seen you. I say, “Nawl,” lying for you already. We sat there chilling for a while, and I ask where you stay and you tell me. I’m like, “Man, why the fuck we didn’t just go over there?” You start telling me all kinds of stuff as we walked towards your house. I give you the rundown about my life, and you said, “We stuck with each other.” I ask, “Why you say that?” and you say, “Because I’ve finally found someone that’s going through the same shit I’m going through, and I just told you some shit I’ve never even thought about telling anybody, and you just listened and didn’t judge.”

We sat on your front porch, and your mom came to the door. I said, “Hey.” She said, “Hey,” but looked like she was upset. When she left, you just shook your head. You ask me where I was going. I told you, “Your auntie house.” You ask, “How you gonna get there?” I said, “I’m finna walk.” You said, “Boy, you tweaking. I’m about to call Phat-Man and tell him to come get you.” He came, and you got in the car. Phat-Man was smiling. We both asked him why he was smiling, and he said, “Both y’all niggas crazy.” Y’all dropped me off, and I told you I was gonna pop out in the morning. You said, “Aight, bet. I’m gonna meet you halfway if you don’t have a ride.”

From that convo that day, I knew we were gonn a be A1s from Day 1. It’s like I felt your pain, and we both realized that we weren’t the only ones going through things. You always kept it 100 and said what was on your mind. You weren’t scared of nothing and nobody.

Man,

you an

die.

n hoo

dam d that

y, sa at d an king p o u p d lo o p an na se, n o u e g e ho r e th u w nd o y ou ke ar i l lt ing I fe ook . l . re he hile day t w r 't en sad the r e r o u w et o any o y ps e se ’t u g lik u ’ca sn kin d I wa drin r i we d.” nd t l a e ea e f s d king s a u o ho t I w sm ! r o h re u r , B in yo oug we n h y a t M ing you The k l . , a W eah mily “Y ur fa yo

I walked off from everybody because I knew I was about to break down. I went and sat on the stairs where nobody really walked past and started talking to myself, like, “Tone, you really gone? Don’t do this to me. You better come through this door, call my phone.” As I was saying this to myself, somebody knocked on the door. I started to smile, and was ready to treat you for playing with me like this. Once I heard them come in, I peeked around the corner. It wasn’t you this time.

I broke down crying. I could barely breathe. Running nose, face looking like somebody just threw water on me. Wishing I can change what happened.

Not wanting anybody to see me hurt, I try to stop crying, but it seems like it got worse.

Then your little brother called my name. I tried to hurry up and wipe my face, but he came around the corner and saw me on top of the staircase. I looked up, his eyes got so big it looked like they were about to pop out his head.

Before I knew it, Laddii was in my face, pulling me closer to her, saying that it’s going to be okay, that we’re going to get through this together.

ad to , so I h s e lv e n I fix thems ow ca joying H n ” e , g s a thinkin ody w re and everyb o e m k li g med cryin it, see tarted , s d I n , u ib o g ar our cr lookin I left y d e n t r e a h t re. W As I s t of the u o e v lea this?”

I

re n

ey we

e th felt lik

e me.

rt lik ot hu

ped ally stop n fi a m is ma ars. cause h e b g lse to te in e y r e c n p o o y t e walk e to s g ever at. As w telling m ke this, it’ll brin h t s r a e t w f a ll y side e me li her Tre leave m ouse se ttle brot t li h o r e n u h o t ld y ii wou While body in ut Ladd d if any B oy!” n . f a f , o g d in ok my b cry alke o t w y e e h h , t own Damn, came d aying, “ s t p When I e k ig Tone back, B

Now that I look back at that moment, it made me look at a lot of things different. I found out it’s nothing I can do to bring you back. When someone really loves you and wants you to do better for yourself, try to start right away, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. The streets will always be there, but the people you really love will not.

Now I’m gonna put these streets in my back pocket and sit on them. I learned so many things in these past two years that I thought I would never understand, like growing up and being a man. A further representation of how I’m improving not just for me, but for you, for my kids, and all the people that think a young black kid from the Holy City/westside, Englewood/southside—the poor, the hood, whatever you want to call it— can’t have his life together because of where they’re from. I will prove them wrong, even though I’m fighting this first-degree murder and attempted first-degree murder charge.

t!

I am innocen

And I bett will fore er th ver a h me, but n I was ave fait h, lit b man , an tle do t efore. I and no d to ’m h t look ey know sitting look at at lif m i e fro they he n the D y curre e l ma p n p very ed me. artmen t situat io The t diffe y he of Cor n as a rent r ba l p e pers c e pec d me b tions b d thing ,b tive. e e And come a cause p ecaus e I’m for t e b opl ett hat I tha er fathe e lied o n r nk t hem , a bett er .

In Loving Memory of Tone

Antrell Johnson I am from a cold world, From hurt and pain.

I am from the Holy City, Churches, dealing, cats and dogs.

I am from weeds growing everywhere.

I am from Sunday dinner at Grandma’s and big noses, From Morris and Johnson.

I’m from fake love and all love, From “you gonna be just like yo dad” and “bad as hell.”

I’m from a Christian mother, who made me go to church.

I’m from Chicago, Chicken tacos, taco salad.

From my Auntie Tren always Talking about she going to the Taste of Chicago For her birthday, but her birthday is in December.

From the picture held by family members that I hate, Because they make me look like a female.

Until the lion learns to write his own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright © 2019 ConTextos