Hoodrich Balling Heart Broken Motherfucker
Big Bee
90th
African Proverb
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter
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My story is about how I got addicted to balling, in bold terms, being outside, blowing money fast but not doing the right thing with it. How I got addicted to it and didn’t realize it was an addiction until I ran out of money but was still figuring out how to live that life: popping bottles, spending money on and chasing women.
My journey started when I was around 22 years old, on my actual birthday, and I traveled to Atlanta for the first time. It was my first taste of people who really had it. When I first got out there, my cousin came to get me in a nice ass car. We drove into the city, downtown. I told my cousin how raw his car was and he said, “it’s cool. This [Audi A7] is my toy.”
As we continued driving, my cousin pointed out four different spots where he had condos. He asked me which one I want to stay in. But first he wanted to show me his house, a mansion which was about an hour away from downtown. It was in a gated community on a golf course, surrounded by other mansions where my cousin said celebrities lived. Riding through the neighborhood, I thought his house won’t possibly be like the other mansions, but his was just as big and nice.
When we pulled up I saw the rest of his cars in the driveway: an R8 Audi, a Rolls Royce and a Lamborghini. There was also an old Impala. We went inside, and I was just like “Damn!” The ceilings were really high, with a pool table, big ass fuckin kitchen. When you walk in, the space was just open. You could see everything. There was also a pool with a waterfall in the backyard.
As I’m looking at all this I’m thinking, “I’m confused. How does cuz have all these things? What was he doing and why were we all still living some type of way back in Chicago?” It was through his clothing line. Then we got back to the real big question for the weekend: “Where do you want to stay?” My answer was easy. “I want to stay here (in the mansion).”
After I got settled in and dropped off my bags, we headed to the mall to get me something to wear for my birthday. Funny thing is I had my birthday outfit on, Nike shoes, cool jeans. My cuz was like “Come on, cuzo. You gotta wear something else for your birthday.” He took me to Saks. We went in there, a big, wide open space. Cousin said, “pick something out. Whatever you want.” Versace was the drip at the time.
I wasn’t really feeling the style because I wasn’t up on it yet. Then I saw myself in the mirror. I got on a black and gold shirt, all black jeans, a black and gold belt and black and gold shoes. I look good. I go to the cash register and the bill was $3000. I was like “Damn, cuz. You don’t have to do all that.” Cuz said, “I ain’t trippin.” My cousin got himself a red vest with fur around the hood. It was $3500. His shoes were $1200.
After getting me a new outfit, my cousin and I get back in the R8 and head out to a famous Atlanta club called Magic City. We pull up with one of my cousin’s friend’s John and his car is followed by a big black SUV full of women. My cousin introduces me around and tells everyone that it’s my birthday. The club is big and open and there are more people inside than I would think since it’s only 5:00 pm. We head upstairs to a roped off VIP area. Now I’m just looking around getting the feel of this famous place.
We get settled in and it was clear they spent a lot of money in this place and time there cause all of the women were peeping out where we were. One of the females was from Chicago like me so we got to talking but we didn’t know no people in common. John had a stack of singles with tape around it. He tossed a bundle on my lap. I’m thinking I’m gonna hold it for him. A few minutes later he’s like “throw that shit.” I didn’t have the stomach to throw 2K cause I didn't roll that way at that time. So I started to throw a lil bit and then put a bit in my pockets. The dancers are watching. Cuz see what I was doing so he started throwing his own money.
At this point John is real drunk and Cuz is like we need to get away from him. John wants to stay but Cuz wants to leave before John starts fighting security or something. Cuz and I met up at the door and left John behind. It was no big deal cause they hang out all the time and this happens. My pockets are stuffed and I can barely sit. Cuz don’t like it. He says, “that’s shits embarrassing. You can’t be out here like that.”
Then we hit up Instant Blue, a day spot. It was chill with hookah and pretty women. I would later find out that it was on the ground floor of one of my cousin’s condo buildings, The Eclipse. We met up with one of his homies Mr. Rugs (Fabulous’ brother). He introduces me again and says it's my birthday. I’m peeping out the scene and just keep thinking, “How does everybody got the nicest jewelry, the nicest cars? How does this money not matter? How is everybody rollin’ like that?” Everywhere we go, people say, “There’s Buck (my cousin).” We stop someplace and he attracts a crowd. We stayed there for like an hour or two and when the bill came it was $1100. Now I had had a couple of drinks and cuz maybe had three. He was paying for all these other people too.
Before we left we went upstairs to his condo. I went straight to the balcony to peep the view. The crib was all Black. He had a glass waterfall. We didn’t stay long. He just needed to grab some money so we could head back out. Now keep in mind that this was my first time really drinking. At this point I realize that I was more than a little tipsy.
Next we stopped at Cheetah’s, a famous strip club. It is a high class experience. There’s no throwing money, though the women apparently make more money here. The vibe was like Grand Theft Auto with guys in a strip club in suits, smoking cigars. When we first got there we had to pay $5 to get in and then my cousin dropped $100 bill in the tip jar. The lady at the door looked up and was like, “Hey Buck.” We were in the roped off area here too.
Then we hit up another spot called Folly’s, a strip club. It was really like a hoe house. They were playing hood music which was to my liking. If you wanted something extra you said the code: “What that VIP talking about?” But I wasn’t on that. I just wanted to chill and take in the scene. The girls were all over me, one of them starting giving me a massage from behind. I’m like “Hold on. I’m aight, but I don’t look this damn good.” The women were like “Let me dance on you. ” They were tryna get paid. I’m taking shots, getting singles, money is being passed around. I went up to the stage and threw a little and put the rest in my pocket.
Next stop was Rose Bar, an upscale club. When we pulled up there it was like 12 people out front. As soon as we got out the car, they were like, “there’s Buck.” Buck got 7 or 8 bottles but we only stayed about 45 minutes. Cuz said it was boring and we should go someplace else. By this time, I’m drunk drunk. We were just driving around trying to find the next spot. I basically blacked out. Buck dropped me off at the Eclipse condo then he went back out to finish the night.
The next day Cuz was like “ you crazy as hell. You walked in the crib, laid down on the balcony floor and threw up all over the place.” When I woke up I was hung over, my head was banging. Cuz is ready to get back at it, but I don’t have the stomach for any of this. We went to a nice brunch place but I couldn’t keep down anything. Everything I ate or drank came right back up. So he took me back to his house where my stuff is and leaves me there, which is fine by me.
There was something about his big ass crib that gave me a boost of energy. So I laid my happy ass down and took a power nap. Got up at around 3pm, showered, put on sweat pants. I was most interested in chilling out and checking out the neighborhood. The whole time I’m recording everything and playing stuff on Facetime, showing the house and everything. People were like “where you at bro? What’s going on?” I was just making up all kinds of stories: I won the lottery. Or I got signed.
Sitting in this big ass house and remembering the day out we had yesterday, it dawned on me, I gotta get in the mix, I need to get in the loop. I’m willing to do whatever I need to make this happen. When Cuz showed up with lunch from Chick Fil A I asked him “how do I get in the loop.” His reaction was basically like “just enjoy yourself. If it comes to you, it comes to you. ” His online marketplace was popping with every kind of knock off high end clothing and accessories. Cuz told me I needed to find my own customers and make my own revenue.
Now Boom, we going to fast forward 4 years later. I finally figure it out. Now I’m riding nice, got a nice crib, wearing every high end brand you can name and of course balling like crazy every place I step foot in.
Big Bee is what I go by. Bee because my name is Brandon and Big because I do it Big everywhere I go. I became a reflection of my cousin overnight. Now every club I step in dancers, bottle girls, wanna know where I’m sitting and who I’m working with tonight because they know I’m a big tipper. Make money during the day, spend money at night, back to back, night after night. I used to make fun of people when they say the phrase I’m saving right now. I thought that shit was so funny because that mean this life too much for you and you going broke, but I was a player. I’d still invite you out. I'd just pay for everything like I did 95% of the time.
Even though I was having my way, it was hurting a person I really love which is Courtney my girlfriend. Courtney been with me before I had any type of money. I’m talking about sleeping on an air mattress and we would literally wake up on the floor. Even though she enjoyed the money and being spoiled like she deserve, but with having money made me a target for bad bitches and of course I was falling into the trap that came with the life.
Courtney hated it and after years of dealing with it she broke up with me. Now for the first 3 months I was happy, I was like Yes, I’m finally free, and it felt good.
Then the holidays came around and I didn’t have nobody to spend them with. I was watching everybody on IG with they girl opening up gifts and shit. That made me realize I was lonely. Then I was starting to miss her which made me check her IG to find out she had a new boyfriend. As black as I am, my face turned red, my chest started hurting.
Then boom that’s when it hit, I was one hoodrich, balling, broken, heartbroken motherfucker.
Big Bee 90th
I Am From
I am from ChiRaq.
From 90th and Marshfield.
I am from pork in beans and hot dogs.
I am from one for the 4 and 3 for the ten, five for the dud.
I’m from Nichol Valentine, my mom and that’s it.
From real gangsters
And from “don’t get caught lackin’.”
I’m from “ go get what you want and pray later.”
And from Paul Pears to Paul Barri.
I’m from keep heavy motion.
I’m from Jackson Park.
From we eat tacos on the 1st when that Link hit.
From Benji Mack, my mom, who kept me fly as a kid.
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb