Any Path Can Take you There
Brian Maturen
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives. Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities. While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books. This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
Any Path Can Take you There Brian Maturen
Bang Bang! Bang Bang Bang! I co uldn’t tell you ho is my legs are on w many shots it fire & I can’t feel was exactly. All th em I know . I can hear sirens panicking, I grab wailing through my phone out of th e m a y ir. p ocket. “I need V I’m thought I have. Th enus to come he en I think about lp m e” ca is lli the first ng an ambulanc right. “Can I get e but my brain ju up?” …. I'm so tire st is not working d. Then…. Lights out… Everything goes dark.
Th e y g e t sa y w h he r e? ” en you ’r e was d yi th e la s t n g , y o ur th o ugh life fl a tIh a d . sh e s b ef To u nd e o re y o ur e r sta y nd t h a es . Y e tIh aw a ve e t o r l l , ... t h ew i ey l nd t o t i e d . “H he beg ow did inni ng. I
Aug 22, 1988 I was born David Cruz, I was put up for adoption and 48 hours later I was Brian Maturen. Regardless of what my name was, the adoption process left its mark. I learned later in life adoptees have serious abandonment issues. This makes sense because I grew up with this secret fear that I’d wake up one day and my Mom, Dad, & everyone I ever loved would be gone. Nothing scared me more than the thought of being all alone.
A p r il F o o ls d th a t I b la m a y , 2 0 0 1 , I was ed m sa v e 13 . M y s e lf h im ” . He y Dad I t o ld d ro w n d ied m y se e th a t d&I lf . “ J o day i t r ied ke s o nat to sa n me ra v e hi .” I t h m, bu gic accid o u gh en t . t I fa t, “ h e The w iled. ’s g o “I w a o ne fo s r ev er n’t go rst part w as & it s o my fa d enoug h u lt , I killed to him.”
To make things worse, after the tragedy my mom moved us to Michigan. I had a close circle of friends I considered family. They all grew up on the same block as me. She ripped me away from that. My fears of being alone had manifested in every way. I started highschool in Ann Arbor Michigan with no friends. I responded to my insecurities with the same anger & aggression I saw from other kids in the streets of Chicago. I was trying to give off the wrong message in an attempt to make friends.
I started skipping classes & getting into trouble. One time I got arrested for trying to steal from CVS. I was trying to impress these kids that were seniors in highschool. As a result my mom had me sent away to a treatment center in Utah. I guess she felt she did the right thing but it just
further reinforced my belief that I wasn’t good enough for anyone to want to keep me around. Everyone always gave me away for someone else to deal with.
I hated the treatment center. Three weeks in and some kid hung himself in one of the bathrooms. I soon learned that their therapy methods were new and “experimental.” In some ways they caused more trauma than they did good. Later in life I discovered a branch of activism advocated by Paris Hilton. She apparently went through similar trauma experiences with Utah treatment centers.
One time I found a scratch in the mirror & figured by reporting it to staff, I’d look good in their eyes. We had a group to see if any one would own up to it, which I already felt was a little extra. Who knows how long it had been there. Staff said “everyone write down who you think it was.” By the end of it everyone either wrote my name or this other kids name. I’m thinking “what the fuck kind of place is this?” One of the kids kept mugging me & insisting it was me. Instead of de-escalating the energy like adults, the staff just fed into the nonsense & kept throwing therapy terms in my face ‘till I snapped.
I e nd e d u p g e tt ing put white la on a p u wnchair nishmen fo r 3 d a t called remain y s . sitting in “Yellow You w e r Z o n e .” Y e s taff sigh n’t allow a cra zy o u ha d t e . If you d p e r so n . t o leave th to sit in disobey e the hall ed t h en chair or way in a t h ey p u to talk t t you in o a nyon the “tim e, a n d h e out” r ad to o o m, a s if you w e re
See, there were no outdates at this treatment center, which was called Island View R.T.C. You went home when your assigned therapist decided you’ve made enough progress in the treatment program. I could beg my mom all day and it didn’t make a difference because the therapist was already in her ear, manipulating her into thinking that Island View was where I needed to be. I just wished she realized I didn’t need to be in a treatment center. I needed my mother, and my family. In all actuality, I needed my dad but he was gone.
S in c e th r o th e o u td w th e n e a te d e p xt g uy u e nd e d nd e o r th e n “ p r o gr e b us t o m ss,” t h e ake them logical c se l v es lo onclusi on f ok g or m ood o . Th is m s t t e e n age ean tIc r ould s was t o n’t t rust
any of my peers, knowing they’ll use anything against me to make themselves look good. The staff fed into this behavior. Of course now that I’m older I realize they (staff) must of realized this the whole time. The question is why they allowed us to play into this sick game.
The “therapy” border lined on mental & emotional abuse. Island View seemed nice on the outside. On the inside it tore me apart in ways I never imagined. Outside therapy is gentle, the therapist needs you to keep coming back to pay them. On the inside its emotionally brutal & relentless. The staff claimed to have our best interests at heart, but beneath the veil, they were just people with jobs who worked for other people with agendas. And no one actually knew the end game of these agendas.
By the time I was 17, I made it out. I figured my mom didn’t want to deal with me at home so I used that to manipulate her into a decision. I convinced her to help me get an apartment back in Chicago. I said I’d enroll in the community college. It worked out and I was on my way back to my friends & my home. I did go to school at first, but soon lost interest. The street was my school. All I cared about was being out & impressing my friends. I learned real quick that you can’t get caught slipping in Chicago & to always keep my head on a swivel.
My friends ended up joining one of the neighborhood gangs during highschool. I felt like I had something to prove and joined too. I got in some more trouble and my mom cut me off. She didn’t understand, I just wanted to be a part of something. How could I ever be alone if I had a whole gang behind me?
I fell further into cycles of violence and street gang activity. I built a reputation that made girls want to be with me, and made people respect me more (or so I thought). The few people I did beef with before I joined a gang didn’t want to beef no more that was for sure.
The thing about the streets is they take you further than you wanted to go, keep you longer than you wanted to stay, and make you pay more than you wanted to pay. I’ve been chased by police, chased by other gang bangers. I’ve been jumped, set up and robbed at gunpoint
b y p eop le I thou g ht w e r either f e friend ro m d ru s. I’ve b g o .d . o ee n s h o r gettin t a t, a n g sh o t a d watch nd killed ed a lot .
of my fr
iends d
ie
There’s a saying in Chicago about guns. “Rather get caught with it than without it.” I used to think PTSD was something only veterans of war dealt with. I never imagined it would creep into my awareness, my daily life, and my nightmares. When you have to constantly look over your shoulder, you realize how much hate comes with staying alive, and that people only love you when you’re dead.
ed me to be, got the best of me. I Years of trying to be the person I thought everyone want h hopping. I had a drug habit, but had 4 kids with 4 different women. I was homeless, couc r contacted me. My mom felt any most of all I felt more alone than ever. My family neve the therapists at Island View had help she had to offer would just “enable” me. Something hints of disappointment in her voice instilled in her mind. When we did talk, I always heard & it hurt.
I couldn’t help but be jealous of my friends. They were worse off than me in the sense that they’d been to jail or prison but no matter how “bad” they were, their parents always had a place for them to fall back on and money to help them get out of trouble. Why couldn’t I have that unconditional love & support? Why did I feel like the black sheep, like I was disowned?
Since then I’d also found my birthmom. I felt for a while like this would fill the gap & give me the sense of belonging I always longed for. I soon realized at my age everyone expected me to be able to hold my own. I was grown so why shouldn’t I be able to? Why couldn’t I shake this feeling that the world owed me something? The world is cold and I had to accept it.
Enough was enough. I was at a point in life where I briefly considered suicide. Then I thought about if I died, who would it hit the hardest? The answer to that question smacked me like a train. I thought of my youngest child's mother Venus. I was so mad at myself because I had left her. to ack b ed u rn t I ed, m a sh e. A m o et n o ys d a w . al a d ha nc e h e e ls t h e r c e n no yo ver m e a e e at w h l d g iv , r u he to h e w o e d o n p in g s d a o Ih st h u j he r
Venus had so much love in her heart for me, she gave me a reason to keep going and try again. I promised her a better version of myself. I quit using drugs, left the street life, and found myself a job. I was tired of the pain, tired of addiction, tired of people being disappointed in me. I took control of my life and slowly but steadily things started to fall into place. I couldn’t of done it without Venus, she was my rock. Everytime, I’d start losing focus, she’d help bring things back into perspective. I had to make sure my babies (my kids) never experienced the bad sides of life. From youngest to oldest I had Aaliyah, Mia, Adonis and Liliana. Mia isn’t mine biologically, but I treat her like she is. I also have a middle son named Xavier. I don’t get to see him or hear from him though because of complications with his mother and her husband.
Me o ld , V e n f o r e st d u s a n w i a ll m a u g d A h th a m e y k id t e r ' s l iy a h b , as s a m u n d ir t h d l iv e d ch co u a y , o as w e ut o ld f f Ic o u in a l l f in a a h o y ll ld an affo y mo tel fo dt v r r ie d t o e d i r a b o n dt g a k iv e t o o u t 9 in g ur m m th e o n e a p a o n th y s r m o u to th tme n . O n to J e n w ir m t . I h u n e a 1s e e o th d er s en o t , 2 0 ke nd s a . I ha ugh 20, s m d t r o o my m uc h e h a k id s sI ca n.
I fell out of the street mentality for good. I enjoyed being a father and a fiance to Venus. We went on vacations and did fun things as a family. I visited my mom in Michigan and I could tell she was finally proud of who I’d become. My biological mom was proud of me too, she had supported me getting back on track when I had finally decided to change my life. I finally felt the love and acceptance I had always longed for from both mothers.
d w ha e g my n n i k n I o i dit o ne ome rs of con t s , s a ithou ew e n w y t d d te ba , bu re a c I it g o so m e . t n o e t l o d ra w ke u p u l d h a v e o o t w I o d ha .Ic in e . g ic I ie n d th e l r o l f n y a o d an a ll id e r e o w e r e d u t it s p n I o , rp Ic day t o v e e s. th a t a e O ne e r m c h ged o a t n se q u e n t t c w ro n a co to r e s ib l e s o p b r a in f in g o t h in k
As a result I was shot 4 ti mes. A bulle lose massive t had nicked amounts of my artery in b lo o d my thigh cau . S o m eh o w to the hospit I hung onto sing me to al. ICU docto a thread of rs and nurse li fe s were able as I was rush to save my li ed fe by the gra ce of God.
y ly m n o ot or n them. f g ct t in figh ld affe on the m ’ I u ent. one co set me d i c t g n h e i b ein g w h a a t. t s i f o th me h ic h sult ik e w w l e r , o c i h d a n a il as sidered t my D ife's iro a J s y n L . o nt I lo C o u w is h I c w h e n from k k c o I s o a in C y k id s . g e I w a w a y b y l t y a en m rm c u r r b u t f o e sa m e f o u n d I’ m , t h b ou d om nd t f r e e e a r o u d j u st a a y ’r Th e hIh t a kp dar
Th e fi d o s r st f e w in mon sta b g , p e o p l e t h s in t b ed ge he . mys e l f b J a il p o t t in g e C o u n ty w l it ic x to r eca v ic i s is ere o us t u e s d e a jo ne s ro ug w I kn C hr h s o ke , . In ow h is t ia w i e t j a il I’ m r e n ’ . Al l I s ’ s l ik n pr e ng b I t a e th fo u og a n d m e tte r th e b l in a g a w w a s s e e g in g , l e r a m . I i a n ne g n y n th g, f d le fe way a no a a i i g a s t h e r r n in g h e l b l e . h d t I ’d g t in g t iv it y . in g sse d o th e ow j a il P , th ro w C t c e ll n so e blin and pe eople o , r e g o c h a n t o b e a o n t ex t d. I op v er fa o g a rd less e myse part of s prog r away was so le gett ra in f lf a of w t my both th m and rom th asham g ha t e i e s th ro d of ha p s pen ots. Th e prog e Life menta l s to r L i i ty o am s e m e s w il l e f and arning n su th a a r t’s o ma eIn c ut o f my ever ha tively v c on trol e to .
My favorite character from the X-Men movie, Professor X says, “Just because someone stumbles and loses their path, doesn’t mean they’ve gone for ever.” Even though I’m back to being alone, I know I have a family outside that loves me. I walked this lonely road searching for happiness everywhere except for on the inside. I now realize it’s been inside me this whole time, I just had to claim it.
I’m patiently waiting to get back to my family. This experience taught me to never take life for granted. There’s more than one type of cell. I used to carry mine with me wherever I went. I’m finally free mentally. I know soon justice will set me free physically and bring me back to my
’ re you e r e w h h e re . ” ow t n k you n ’t e o k d a nd nt fe, a ath ca i l f p o ole a ny h , t g i n bb oi e r a o u ’r e g h t wn ey n d o w w h er e l l fa o ’t kn a t’s n h t o d ne n y o , “ if y o u a r o r il y . F m e m b e m a f e g. R n i o g
I hope all who read my story use it as words of inspiration and insight. I’ve literally taken pieces of my soul and put it on paper to help empower anyone struggling with life. Anyone who has been greatly misunderstood and judged for who they appear to be on paper. Blessings to any and everyone who flips these pages. I love you - Brian
Brian Maturen I Am From I am from the Northwest Side of Chicago From M-Town and from Riis Park I am from the 1800 Block of North Nordica I am from the deserts of Utah Dry, hot days, long hikes and camp fires I’m from Andrew and Virginia Maturen and from Diana Cruz From Capture the Flag and alley basketball games And from keeping your head on a swivel I’m from “get out the house and go play outside” And from “if you get your bike stolen, you’re not getting another one” I’m from all faiths, religions and spiritualities I’m from an adoption clinic in Chicago From grilled cheeses, italian beefs, tacos, bags of chips and candy From Chucky Herrera, Guero Rios and Chito Ocon, my guardian angels I am from overcoming pain and adversity I am Puerto Rican I am David Cruz and Brian Maturen
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright
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