Daniel Bowles
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
Daniel Hurt People, Hurt People
Four letters, one word. Love is Beauty and Chaos all in one, more powerful than any gun. Love is what drives most people. Love gives you a warm feeling on the inside, makes you smile just the thought of butterflies in your stomach when they come around like being on cloud 9. Love makes you smile just thinking about that person or makes you laugh just because you like being on Cloud 9. There's no Mountain high no Road too long no River deep to stop us from loving someone.
We're always told the beauty of love but never the chaos it causes. How it can make every day long miserable like a never ending nightmare being trapped in a room with the walls closing in, being filled with water.
Love is like skydiving; it's a free fall and you have no control over the final outcome. Once you committed to loving someone.
Now let me tell you my experience with love and why I view it the way I do.
For me love is a 5 4 ft tall light skin goddess with brown eyes, big soft plump lips, a beautiful smile that can brighten the darkest room with chubby cheeks with dimples sitting on top of them. Curvy hips, thick thighs, a body that would turn any head.
I remember the first time I saw her like it was yesterday. standing in the hallway looking like a snack it was love at first sight. Everything slowed down like something out of a movie when Zendaya came on the screen in Euphoria. I knew she'd be mine, I knew I found my soulmate.
I was hurting from a past experience that sent me down the dark road of depression. I was self harming to feel pain and getting high to avoid pain. I was lost.
Kiyah changed that. She helps me deal with pain, anger and frustration. She helped me start my healing process and find other ways to cope.
She was my happy place, my new drug, with her there was no pain, no doubt no depression. Everything ceased to exist.
I didn’t need to be high, her love was enough. We were inseparable. It didn’t matter what we were doing, even if it was nothing, as long as we were with one another. She trusted me and I trusted her, I put my all in it.
Wish I could tell you we were still together, but this is no movie. All good things come to an end.
Mines ended because I was weak. Simply put, I cheated. I hurt myself but I hurt my queen, my soulmate, my best friend, my world, my everything.
I caused her the most pain. I knew what she had been through. I knew how she felt about me.
Why do we hurt the ones we love?
I was hurting and went back to depression. I didn’t wanna do anything. I wanted to be alone.
She forgave me but that feeling wasn’t there. The connection was fading.The damage was done and the relationship was breaking.
She broke up with me on the phone. I went home that morning and smoked 21 Grams. How can you be stupid to believe she stayed with you after you did what you did. How can you leave someone you love? Did four years mean nothing to you? Were you faking?
It was stupid to believe she’d stay with you after what you did.
I wasn’t shocked she left, just that she had another so soon.
If you love me, how can you leave me? Not once did I stop to think she was hurting because of me.
She didn't deserve the heartache and the pain. She loved me when I didn't love myself. She showed me the beauty of love. She helped me with my depression. I fucked it up.
I was selfish when I cheated, selfish when I didn't consider her feelings, selfish when I put my pain on her and put her through what I went through.
Not once did I stop to think she was hurting because of me and put up with all she could.
How can I throw away 4 years? How can I stop caring about her feelings? How can I put my problems on her?
Kiyah was my drug. I was dependent on her and when I didn't have her I shut down. We can allow others to help, but we can’t be soul dependent on them.
We have to help ourselves, we have to want to heal and do the work. We can't depend on other people to do it for us. We cause the most pain to ourselves when we pick and choose what has the power to affect us. We can't be so dependent on them.
I learned this lesson the hard way. Lucky I still have my best friend here with me after everything we ' ve been through. Hope you can learn from me. Keep your best friend and cherish the ones who are here.
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
