Christopher M.
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
The Truth in a Gut Feeling
Christopher M.
In the mid summer of 2023 I was at my homie Kenny’s crib off the drug known as X, and some weed sitting in the chair, eyes wide, open and hitting the wood. Kenny said let me hear the new shit, brudda I know you got it. I began to plug my phone up into the latest Rode Wave and Durk but first was Brent Faiyez.
Instantly bro gets to nodding in his head and saying “Onna G this is what I’m talking about right here, matter fact how are you and Tae been doing?” Tae was this girl that I had a weird attraction to. She was messing with this dude named Lil Cuz. I know a goofy ass name LMAO it speaks for itself, but one day she came around me fresh as hell. It was her birthday and I saw her, I was like damn what today is and what she got going on.
Later that night Tae and her man Lil Cuz was at my homie Kenny’s crib right off 35th and King drive. I pulled up in an Uber and came in fresh as hell with light blue purple jeans on, and all black and white, Dolce and Gabbana shoes, with a black and white, Dolce and Gabbana shirt. You already know if you know me I’m definitely rockin all black white Sox fitted cap.
I get in the complex of Kenny’s crib and do a knock that I only do, he still comes to the door and asks who it is. I respond and tell him open the fucking door before I kick it open. He gets to dying laughing and opens the door with his gun and we shake up.
I tell him “Put that little shit up ” . As he lets me in He says " man onna G this bitch gonna get the job done though.” I laughed and shook my head and walked towards the room to greet everyone Tae, Lil Cuz, Desto, Lisa, Nayomi, and Jdot. They look at me and say damn foe nem you keep that shit on even if you are going to the store. I began to laugh and say you never know who you see shit you know me LMAO. I began to roll up and ask what we were doing today. Jdot gets up and walks to me and asks, "Let's go to the store let me wrap with you. I began finishing my wood and made sure I had my belongings then told everybody we ’ re gonna be back.
As we ’ re going down the stairs of the complex I asked Jdot, “what's on your mind bloody? How you feeling?” He then tells me, “Man, Tae couldn’t stop talking about you, you must have laid that law down,” he says dying laughing. I nudged him laughing also as we walked out the door.
I tell him “No bro that’s the crazy part. We ain’t even do nothing, shid shorty been been calling me nonstop and texting.” Jdot looked at me and laughed some more. As we walked into the store and get a FaceTime call from my brother Kenny. I answered and asked “Man what yall beggin ass want man? What yall do? Time our walk to the store?”
He began to laugh and say “On the G stop it you know I gotta make sure y ’all straight, but for real grab some backwoods, love G,” he then hung up. I began to laugh and say I knew it. I grab us some snacks and woods, then me and Jdot decide to finally head out the store as we joked and laughed on our way. I tell Jdot “9/5 day is coming up. We gotta grab a fit and show up and show out because Mone gone bring everything else, you know how cuz get. He laughs and says, “hell yeah brother I’m not gonna lie. I’m a little low on funds, so we ain’t going all out.”
I looked at him like I saw a ghost and tell him, “how and what do you spend all your money on lil bro? If you ’ re doing any spending, it should be partial or to make money. You have to spend it, not waste it.” Jdot looks at me and smiles and says " you always be acting wise and shit sounding old-school, but I’m glad I met you when I did.”
I smile back as we walk into the complex. I’ll tell him “yeah fuck you that’s because I got the chance to grow around real gangsters and wise men in life. But I got you on the outfit but you gonna have to hit a wall to see this shit about survival. Jdot soaked up all the knowledge I spat to him and tells me, “Thanks bitch you know I love you and I feel you for sure. ”
We made it back to Kenny’s door, knocked on the door and as usual, he answered with his gun, I just shook my head and walked in. As I flame up the wood I rolled earlier I start to receive a Facetime call from my big Cuz, Konnie. I answer and ask what’s up cuz WYO you got some moves for me?
He looks through the camera and smile shaking his head and says “That’s one thing I love about you lil cuz, you stay on it about your bread but no I was just making sure you was cool and shit chopping it up with Mone.” I laugh and tell him “Man you know what’s going on. Everybody gone eat, and one thing about it I always try to feed everybody, but what cuz on? Let me wrap with him real quick.”
He looks at me through the camera and says “Be careful trying to feed everybody because some people will bite your hand off because they want more but here go Cuz.” Mone grabs the phone and smiles and then says “Damn lil nigga you always smoking. What’s up you good though? You need something?” I shake my head and passed the wood and say “You know that cuz be stressing but I’m good. I need to rap with you in person for some investment ideas and let me get that Nissan out of the driveway from your house in the suburbs.”
He laughs and says “Lil nigga you too young to be stressing and bet it up. I got you just slide on me when you get a chance, love lil cuz. Stay dangerous.” Konnie grabs the phone from cuz and says the same I let out a deep exhale and know I have to take one step at a time, but constantly getting a feeling I don’t have too long. I stop thinking about it and come back into reality to notice Tae staring at me through my soul. I caught myself smirk. You already know Jdot and Kenny sitting there looking dumb as hell, smiling making it obvious but I laugh and pay them no mind.
I then decided to go to the beach downtown so I tell everybody what I was thinking. Then they agreed and started getting ready. I grew tired of always coming to the block most times, so I decided to expand my mind a little more. Finally we made it to the lakefront and as they started walking further, I told them “I meant the lakefront not the beach. Y’all see I got on y ’all ass. Must be crazy. ” They stopped and laughed as they came back and sat with me.
Everybody started rolling up, and we chilled and popped halves of X listening to Rylo Rodriguez, and looked out into the scenery of Lake Michigan. It’s starting to get late. We normally would stay out but I was ready to get my Pretty Ricky on with Tae. We’ve been on each other the whole day Lil Cuz was still at the house off Xans sleep.
As we are all getting out of the black SUV Uber. Everyone bussin and on point. We make it inside of the complex, everyone gets to the door. Kenny unlocks it and we walk in. Jdot turns the light on then we see Lil Cuz in the kitchen laying down on the floor snoring with dog shit on the side of him and Kenny’s dog Lucy on the other side. We all began laughing at him and went in the front room and all smoked again.
I text my OG and make sure she is straight and continue to play my music. We stayed up at least until 3 to 4 AM. As everybody doze off, Tae up in the other room but I’m nodding. I opened my eyes and noticed Tae staring into my eyes while taking them at the same time.
I then knew she was going to be around for a minute. After she was done you know I was put to sleep she then lay next to me and do the same. Yes Lil Cuz still on the floor in the kitchen with shit. The next morning Kenny shook me out of my sleep and said “Wake up brudda. OG just called my phone and she said it’s urgent. Cuz got shot up ” .
I instantly get up and grab my phone to see I got missed calls from damn near half of my cousins and plenty of calls from my OG. My breathing starts to feel heavy and all of a sudden I feel nausea.
I call my OG and she answers the first ring and says “CJ, they done took him from us. I’m on my way from work to the hospital right now. Meet me there. Let me call cuz, ” she said crying heavily and flying on the highway hanging up. I instantly throw my stuff on and rushed out the door and called Summer who I had a missed call from. She instantly says, “they got Mone cuz. I’m at the hospital right now. Where are you at?” I tell her “I’m right here on 44th and King Drive. Finna call Uber but it’s saying no drivers around. I’m finna say fuck it and hop on the bus.”
She then says “Well come on cuz I need you, they done got my uncle cuz. I need you. “ I nod and tell her I’m on the way and end the call. Me being stubborn, I hop on the bus and dazed off to a relapse of us having fun and a conversation about money and life. Summer calls me again and takes me out of my daze. I answer and she says “Where you at? You cool?” I’ll tell her I should almost be there then realized… “Fuck” I done got on the wrong bus. I tell cuz what happened and she knew I was off and feeling like nothing, because I never be that loose.
I finally get on the right bus and my phone buzzes while I’m still on the phone with Summer. It was Tae asking if I’m ok and did I make it. I left her on read, still angry at myself for not getting up with him while I had the chance. Not realizing that them gut feelings really mean something. I get off the bus and meet Summer halfway then walk back to the hospital where the rest of the family were. Seems like I made it just in time when the doctor came out and told us there wasn’t no saving him, they did everything they could do.
Everyone shed tears even the ones who wouldn’t normally did. We all lingered for a minute then everyone met up at granny crib to discuss and cool down a bit and gather our thoughts. I sit on the couch in my thoughts to see and really know Money Mone was lost. Forensics came back later on around to find out he was killed with 7.62’s and 223’s.
My headandsoulfelt like itgot hit by a semi truck. Iwas taught many things andguided greatly from big cuz, mostly about feeding the fam andalways keep going no matter how low in life you go down. Ifyou lookup to people or a lovedone in life don’t take their deathas a loss, but take it as a new base to your chapter in life andtry to go beyondwhat they believedin or didin life stay consistent anddurable.
Christopher Marshall
I Am From
I'm from Princeton Park
From hooping and trapping
From Sam's, the store with food smells
I'm from Fresh Air with chirping birds
Birds in the nest and trees
Air with Breeze
From Felicia W and Mani G
From driving down Lakeshore with Mani
And from rolling up and cracking jokes and fun
I'm from closed mouths don't get fed
And don’t eat with a hole in your mouth
I'm from 95th
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
