Da
vid
Du
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Dear Self
ey
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives. Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities. While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books. In collaboration with
Dear Self David “Fly” Dudley
You been through a lot. I guess it be different for anyone to lose a child.
But wait- I’m gettin’ ahead of myself. It seems like yesterday that Darius was born. I remember that. 2017. That baby boy was born at 3:18 in the morning, exactly. You were on house arrest at the time, all while Darius was being born into this world. You were on the phone with Caprice during the whole labor.
You remember you heard that...beep...beep...beeep...beep sound. You started to panic and yell through the phone at Caprice, asking, “What’s going on?”
It wasn’t nothing. The doctor just knocked the cord out of one of the machines. But all in all, Darius was born in this world with Sickle Cell. But he was one of the handsomest babies ever.
Being he was your first born, I know how you felt not being there for your son due to being on house arrest. Once he was washed up and cleaned, they took pictures and sent them to your phone and you fell in love.
Throughout the years, watching him try to talk was funny. Now he’s walking and talking. Unbelievable. You will never forget the first year and a half of Darius’ life. You were still on house arrest that whole time, but you were able to connect with your first born
When he time, while Caprice attended work or did her. by keeping him everyday, all day most of da like look t don’ king him to sleep thinking, “This boy was just months old, you would hold him. Roc me.”
But damn, I know he’s mine. Even though you was on EM, you would take Darius to the park from time to time. Your baby’s momma’s mom would say, “Dat boy look just like you.”
It’s crazy cause in your mind you would respond with, “Stop lying. You know Damn well this boy don’t look like me.”
But you just knew he was yours because Darius looked just like your brother: same skin complexion and everything. Your brother didn’t look nothing like your own dad,
so you knew the connection was real. During the duration of you being off house arrest, you was with Tia all the time. You even got so comfortable you moved in with her so y’all woke up to each other.
Capric ef posted elt some kind Tia up on you of way about r page. the situ ation.
I even
remem
ber wh
en you
first
Here comes Ms. Confusion Maker arguing up under her picture. “Who is that Bitch? I hope you aint been having her around my son cause if you have it’s gone be a mfn problem bitch.”
I remember you replied, saying, “First off, Ms. Wesley, watch your stupid ass mouth and stop tryna bring everybody in my damn business. With that being said, spin up off this post.�
Anyways, enough about that negative energy. Losing a child was never the plan.
All you wanted to do was be the best father ever
but, you harboring so much emotion leads me to understand why you hardly trust anyone. Trust is a strong word just like hate: also love is, too. And that’s exactly what you gave your first born Darius: Love & Affection.
But life somehow has its twists and turns.
It’s crazy things ended up goin’ the way it did
because if it didn’t you would still be in the
blind.
Everything happens for a reason, and I’m glad, well not so glad, but I’m happy you know the truth because she would have kept going on and on until something like this happened.
It’s crazy that another girl pops up pregnant and you end up in jail fighting for your life and then the unthinkable happens. David: “Yooo, wyd Bae?” Caprice: “Bae shit! You tweakin” David: “Huh! How am I tweakin? Stop cappin Bro. We just got off the phone 30min ago. You tryna start something with me cause you don’t wanna put the money on my books or somethin?”
Cap issu rice: “ N ‘Co e is I w aw, s t n THI gratu as jus upid. M t l SA a RIE tions on Fa oney c a o LB ITC n the ebook int the new H? scro issu And b e you aby g llin and . I bee irl’ y n bet ou scrolle West not a er d n lie c aus d this past a n Unio ned e I’m Arie po finn l girl ‘ st tha the m t p a in box ose to someo oney 1 5m ne b this bitc e havin tagge in ag o. h!” g. W d y HO ou in The THE sa FUC ying K IS
David: “Caprice, calm the fuck do wn. FRFR stop ta ain’t no pregnant lking to me all cr . What are you ta azy and shit. Arie lking about? Hel l lo Caprice...Hello oo.”
Caprice: “Yeah I’m still here. I’m just tryna see how you finna lie your way outta this one. Cause for a fact you know I do my homework. Plus I know these people ain’t lyin’ bro. If this girl pregnant, you can forget about me and my kids. I told you once another bitch end up pregnant you was done for. And I meant that shit. I dealt with a lot from you. This baby shit I’m not finna tolerate it.” (The second call has just disconnected.) ****
You remember a year later when Bianca came to visit with that bad news that would change your life forever. Bianca: “I didn’t know Caprice BD name Quono.” David: “Stop playin’ man. You tweakin’.” Bianca: “I ain’t tweakin’. This shit all on Facebook. Uhh, Caprice ain’t tell you?” David: “Nah, she ain’t tell me nothin’. What’s going on, man?” Bianca: “Well uhh, it’s all over Facebook. She posted a picture of Quono and RIP her baby daddy.” David: “Damn! She ain’t doin’ nothin like that. Stop playing.” I just couldn’t believe this. All this shit I done did, bought clothes, shoes, pampers, invested my last dollar into this world. I feel like a mother fuckin sucker. My cuzin Shay Shay’s voice popped into my head sayin’, “Boy, you gone be crushed when you find out that lil boy ain't yours.” ****
Imm e was diately a ft abou t. Yo er the vis Davi u it w were d: “Y so d ith Bian o. Ye c istra Capr ah, u ught a, you g ice: “ h he , n ot kn ot on t llo. Y Wha h Davi owin t? W ou g d: “W hat y g wh e phone ot so dadd w hat’s at to ou ta meth y? W lkin b belie ith Capr all th ing y ice t h v i ou w out? s at th e. Capr o se ant t e fuc stuff I b Stop e wh ice: “ o tel een k go playi at th W l h i m n e ho to n a e at ba o Davi w r ? n?” in ab ith m ” ld yo d: “B d ne o e ut yo .” u da ws ianca som u po t? C ebod t o ause sting ld m y els e. I was pics e? T of Q hat s You wer gonn uono en’t hit is a fin , talk e d ven emb a way in bo wom arras t ut he o an e sing. com noug yo b ” e u p aby h to there tell m and e yo t ell yo self. u my **** Why self.” I had to he ar th is fro m
Your w bega hole wo rld w n to s was a think lur, every s crushe ing. d. thing arou You sta r nd w ent b t to hype rv lack. “Dam entilate. He n! Ho w I g ad starte et he d to re?� p was ound, w the o o nly th rds ing I
Being told something like that in jail really brung you to a low point, which really locked those floodgates to your heart. This goes with the saying: “Love don’t live here anymore.”
With e down very less on to yo u be comes caus a e in m blessin, at y hea rt I k least tha now you n t’s what I ’v eed a ble e been t old. ssin. Now
I’m p
assin
g it
But like I said before, losing a child was never the plan. Knowing you’d never see your child face aging hurt to the core, and knowing you could never touch your child again or ever play with him the same, changes you forever.
Makes you think- was the love ever there? I know I have you reading a lot, but there’s a message behind everything that happens in life.
One thing I want you to consider is controllin your life. I want you to make yo own way. Never allow someone to control you. Never be afraid, stand on what you believe.
Stand up for yourself and be comfortable with being alone if it comes to that point. Never again lower your standards for nobody. Love is more than words. Love causes you to do the unthinkable, which brings me to this question: Who really loves you?
ys be s who is still there, and guess who will alwa When no one’s there, when all have left, gues the Let bit. lil a t you think. Show your muscles, flex there? God & me. You’re stronger than wha ge. Where your 20/20 vision at? world see, let your family observe the real chan to tie his s you act like a boy who needs his Momma Are you a man? Of course you are, but at time shoes.
Are you a man? Of course you are. A man is on his own, and if he a respectful manner.
needs help, he asks in
that owes you Are you a man? Of course you are. Act like a man and the only man friends. Not a called so your Not . anything is the man in the mirror. Not your Father man who knows a like woman. Not nobody. You are a man, am I correct? Start acting he’s a man. Stop acting like a boy.
The Boy you used to be is gone. He has grown up but as long as he thinks and acts like the little boy in his mind, he will show boy-like behavior. And people will see it clearly, just like looking through a glass door like the cell you in.
Peace, Fly. One Love.
David Dudley I am from White Sox fitteds.
“Stay in a child’s place.”
From Dial soap and Palmolive dishwashing liquid
I’m from Christianity and people fallin’ out from catching the Holy Ghost
I am from the Hood, where it takes a village to raise a child.
I’m from The Eastside of Chicago
Each one, Teach one. I am from weeds & sunflower seeds,
From “the family that prays together, stays together.”
That I could see from Grandma’s basement window.
The five foot, mocha colored, Indian woman with a combed back Afro,
I’m from “tell the truth and shame the devil.”
My Grandma.
From Patricia Crosby and Edgar Dudley
And her all-white living room, that nobody could go in,
I’m from Grandma’s Progressive Baptist Church every Sunday And smells in the kitchen. From “Don’t talk to strangers,” and
Flamin’ Hots with cheese, fried green tomatoes
On the fireplace mantle are pictures of proms, Graduations of me and my siblings, her grandkids. Which showed me how much Grandma cared.
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