Fahrenheit 5000 by ConTextos Chicago

FAHRENHEIT 5000 A ConTextos Magazine

Firehouse Edition Volume 1, Issue 2 April 2021

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people atrisk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. We have worked with hundreds of Authors in Chicago who have been affected by violence, trauma and marginalization to begin the process of healing through self-reflection and writing. Through drafting, revising, and publishing memoirs, participants develop selfreflection and critical thinking skills, while building camaraderie and positive selfprojection, all to author new life narratives. ConTextos' program through Firehouse was a journey of co-creation. Such an experience is neither linear nor easy. Building a cohesive, trusting space in which people are able and willing to read, discuss, write, share, and give feedback takes time and a connective leaning into Authors Circle values, such as being brave, being candid, expanding one's comfort zone among others. One must feel seen and heard in order to even begin thinking about sharing his story. In picking and reading this magazine, you are taking step to confirm that these Firehouse Authors and their stories matter.

Derrick White, Navigator/Outreach Director

Photo from The Firehouse Website

A Word from the Firehouse / 5000 West At the Firehouse, we work diligently with the acutely under-resourced to provide tangible, real life options for change. Under the guidance of Pastor Phil, we help participants find their niche/lane and ride it into a new life. Through programming such as culinary arts, journaling/expressive writing, auto mechanics, barber/cosmetology, dance and technology, Firehouse is dedicated to showing participants that the world is bigger than their experiences. Our main objective is to “help the under-resourced secure safety, discover their passion and turn their passion to paychecks.”

IN THIS ISSUE 06

Leaving Something Behind

I Never Looked For It

It's A Family Affair

Pulling No Punches

Demonte David Devontae Corshion

Jermaine Taurean Quai

Jermaine Ronnie Devontae Quai

Brandon

*All photos and art will be labeled with the respective artist's names. 4

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, Chicago, 2021

Everyone must leave something behind . . . . The good writers touch life often. -Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

KATE M. SMITH, 5000 WEST, CHICAGO 2021

Never Too Late David

Kate M. Smith, Chicago, 2021

Pastor Phil, I appreciate everything you’re doing for us to help us to become better men out here. Honestly I don’t know where I’d be at without the help of this program. This program gives us a lot of opportunities to do a lot of positive things in life. It took me a long time to realize that you have to take advantage of programs like these. Pastor Phil you may not know, but when I was 3 my daddy died. My father’s death left my mom a single parent with 3 kids. My mom was a sweet, nice, caring person that didn’t use the word “No.” She gave us the world and when I was 10 she died. Here I was just 10 and both my parents were gone. After my mother died, I went to stay with my sister first and then my Granny took me in. 7

My sister did her best but living with her would be challenging and rough on her. She was only 18 years old. She used to have to get me up and take me to school and make sure I had what I needed. While she was doing the best she could for me I was getting in trouble for fighting. Fighting led to me getting suspended a lot. My sister did her best but I was too much. The situation was too much, so at the end of my seventh grade year, my Granny had to step in and take me. At first I didn’t want to go live with my Granny but I’m glad I gave it a chance. Everything was going good at first then I started getting in trouble again. My Granny got me involved in all kinds of activities. She had me on all types of sports teams: baseball, basketball, and football. I didn’t want for nothing living with my Granny, she made sure I had everything. I couldn’t have asked for a better family. Even though I had a support system I still found my way to trouble.

Kate M. Smith, Chicago, 2021

My first real trouble with the police came when I was 17 and I caught my first ever pistol case. I was a juvenile and I got out on house arrest. I messed that up because I cut my band off and got locked back up. I eventually went to trial and beat the case. A year later I had another run in with the police. This time I was arrested for having a Cheddar Bob moment (I shot myself). I shot myself by accident and they charged me with reckless discharge of a firearm. I was locked up for 6 months and then came home on house arrest. And just like before, I cut the band off. A month later I turned myself in to the police. While I was locked back up I got a letter in the mail telling me that my homie J-Bandz got killed. I was hurt and all I could do was cry. 8

On July 12th, two months after J-Bandz was killed, I got out again on house arrest and just like before I violated. I couldn’t seem to stay in the house so I kept violating house arrest by going outside, and as a result, ended up getting locked back up for a gun. That was October of 2017. This time I ended up doing 2 years for the gun charge. When I got out in 2019, I was released on house arrest, and yep, you guessed, I violated it. I was out one 1 month before I violated. I stayed out for 4 months but eventually I got locked back up for another violation. I don’t know if I was lucky or just blessed but I was put back out on house arrest again. This time would be different though because this time I had a plan. All the other times I didn’t have a plan: I just wanted to get back to the streets, now I wanted more for myself. I got involved in a program and I was finally able to not only complete house arrest but I’ll be finishing parole in about 5 months. Pastor Phil, today I look at life a lot differently. I went through a lot to get to this space I’m in now and I hope I can use my story to help someone, if nothing else, realize that it is never too late to get yourself together.

Kate M. Smith, Chicago, 2021

Devontae

Kate M. Smith, Chicago, 2021

When I was 20 years old I was done with High School. I was determined to keep going in life with no bullshit. I planned to be the greatest I could be. Boxing was something that I wanted more and more so I was hanging out with those who had similar interests. But, then I started to hang where I shouldn't have been with people I shouldn’t have been around. The homies I was hanging with were negative, angry and not trying to do right with themselves. I knew I had to stop hanging with them because I didn’t want to be in jail over their shit. I started to get my shit together and do the right things. I was doing what I had to do to be successful in my own way but I hadn’t gotten control of my anger. It just kept coming back. One of my homies wanted to fight me over a girl. I felt like that was crazy and fucked up. I didn’t understand it and when I found out what it was over was the end of the line. It did teach me one thing though and that's that everybody was not my homie. 11

At the end of the day I was going to be by myself. I worked nonstop until my body started to hurt but I loved to work and boxing. I liked it and I didn’t care if nobody liked me or wanted to be around me. I push forward with my life to be the greatest and most successful of all time and look back, a-b-c, and say, "I did it." I made it where I wanted to be. Thanks to the people and family that supported me, my mom and family. My team who pushed me to a new level. But I still have a long way to go. A new life starting soon, no time to waste.

Kate M. Smith, Chicago, 2021

Corshion Letter to my Dawgs To all my fallen squad, Mannn! It's crazy; I haven’t really seen y’all in a minute. It's crazy because I neva saw any of this coming. Jerome, Caprice, Kobe and Trail, all 4 of y’all are gone. We were like brothers. NO! We still are brothers. I will neva forget yall. That night, August 16th 2015, was one of the worst days of my life . It’s crazy how a great day turned into the worst day. It went from us having fun shooting dice to a tragic murder scene. We were shooting dice on the corner when two dudes approached. They was walking fast and one had a shirt on his face so I couldn’t really see him. He pulled his hand out his pocket real fast and just started letting go. Everybody ran, well, tried to run, but everybody didn’t make it. As I was running I could hear and feel bullets flying past my ear. I got away, but when I came back I saw two of my brothers laying on the ground. All I could see was blood running from them and gunshot wounds. I tapped on Jerome, he was still breathing. Caprice had a hole in his face. I was just hoping they were gonna make it. Jerome didn’t make it. CP was still breathing, but on a machine at first, but they pulled the plug.

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

When I lost them two I didn’t know what to do next. I didn’t know anything. I just wanted somebody to hurt like my brothers' people did. Two years later in 2017 we lost Kobe, another one of my brothers, my lil brother. I always try to 14

show my homies a better route. I just wanna do right and live long and put my people on. When Kobe died, that’s what we was on. Me and a few of the guys were at work while the younger brothers were out to eat with the other job. They came back and walked to the gas station on the way back. Kobe was gunned down in front of the job. That destroyed me. Kobe was like the lil brother I always wanted. I really ain’t expect that to happen, especially not to him. Nobody did. Not long after that I went to jail for some B.S. I got out on house arrest but ended up getting booked again and doing a year. Five months after I got out I lost my big/lil brother Latrail. Latrail was my best friend for more than 10 years. The way we lost you was bogus and we still don’t know the story behind it. Your kids love you and we all miss you bro. I wish I could have my brothers back. I wish we were all still here on earth living it up: smoking weed, running red lights and shooting dice. I have been through a lot, seen a lot, and did a lot. I don't blame nobody for nothing that happened to me in these 24 years. I have lived and I’ve seen a lot and a lot has happened to me, but I'm still here, still standing strong ,and still tryna put my people on. I'm sorry y’all lost yall lives. I guess God needed y’all the most! I LOVE Y’ALL UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN LOVE <3

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

I never looked for it, it found me. -Kalief Dinkins Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

Taurean

Kate M. Smith, Chicago, 2021

I was 13 when I first got shot at. I didn’t understand what was going on until after it had already happened. I just wanted to get some snacks from the store. Me and my brother were walking up the street in the summer and it was 90 degrees outside and we couldn’t stop sweating, so we went to the store to get sum snacks and something to drink. When we first walked up it was some kids around our age but a little older than me standing in front of the store. They were looking at me and my brother funny, but I didn’t pay any attention to it. When we got in the store we walked to the back where the drinks were and grabbed us some Arizonas then we went to the side where the chips were and grabbed a couple bags. After that we walked to the counter to pay for the snacks and my brother asked the cashier for a pack of Swishers. He asked how old we were and my brother got mad and started cursing him out and he just gave us the Swishers. When we walked out of the store the boys were still standing there in front of the door, and when we walked past them they started mugging us again. My brother said, ”Fuck is they looking at.” I was like “I don’t know.” We kept walking and then one of them yelled at us and said, “Y’all supposed to be right here?” My brother yelled back and said, “Fuck you Shorty.” Then all of a sudden we heard a loud bang and then we started running. My brother said “they Blowing Shorty!” We heard like 6 more loud bangs and then it stopped and we kept running. My brother was mad as hell and he told me to go home. I was confused on what just happened, but I didn’t ask any questions. I just put two and two together and from then on I started to move different. 18

Quai Long Live JBandz! Shit be crazy as hell. I never would have thought it would’ve ended like this. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. It seems like when you’re trying to do good bad things always follow you. It was May 10, 2010 and I had been out of prison for about a month when I got into this program on Ogden. I was supposed to be in Pastor Phil’s upcoming program at the Firehouse but he directed me to Coach’s program because he knew I was fresh out, needed money, and needed to be doing something right away. I had been in the program for about 2 weeks on the day I will never forget.

Kate M. Smith, 500 West, Chicago 2021

I was sitting in class when Jbandz called and asked if he could get some money off my link card. We were real close so he knew it just came on. I told him to come and get it. They had just left a meeting down the street for Pastor Phil’s upcoming program. They walked to the church and I exited my class to give him my card. I walked outside and it was him and about 3 more of our friends standing there with him. I shook everybody’s hand and gave Jbandz my card. We talked for a minute or two and then it happened. 20

A black car pulled up and started shooting one person was out the window shooting a choppa. We all ran until the shots were done. With the shooting stopped I instantly turned back around to make sure everyone was okay. I found him lying there on the ground bleeding. The people from the program ran out to see what was going on. I was so mad and hurt after I saw he wasn’t breathing, I couldn’t stand there and take it. I had to walk across the street, I considered him my little brother, I felt some kind of way because he was there to meet me. I had to call the pill man because the thoughts in my head seemed unreal. Like Damn it could’ve been me! That day turned me colder. Long Live JBandz!

Kate M. Smith, Chicago, 2021

It's A Family Affaire

Kate M. Smith, 500 West, Chicago 2021

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

Becoming a Disappointment Jermaine

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

Chapter 1 Just because I hang with a certain type of crowd doesn't mean I act like them. Even though I might do dum shit and hang with “criminals” does not make me a criminal. I'm different. I think and act differently than most people, for example if me and my homies out and they decide they are about to go get a hot car I'm not gonna be like "aite. yeah let's go." To me that's some goofy shit. I'm hitting their ass with "aite, I’ll catch up with y'all later," or some, "I gotta go handle something." The whole time I'm going to go find my fat ass something to eat and I’m going in the slot and getting put up. I hate people that be like "oh since you hang with them you act like them.” Never judge me by the company I keep or be around. Even though they my homies and I'm riding with them right or wrong, do not, and I repeat, do not mean I act like them. When I was younger, in the lil hood I used to live in, after school me and a group of friends used to go around the hood and beat people up for no reason whatsoever. We used to kick in garage doors and dance on top of people's cars. What I mean by we is I really mean them. I was just always around, lol. One day this lady that was in the hood we was in called the police and we all got caught including me. Because I was there, the police took me home then went to my house and told my mother what had happened. 24

She came down stairs, got in the police car and we went back to the block where everything went down at. The lady was going off, she was yelling and was like "all these bad ass kids all they do is run around and fuck with people shit. All they do is get bad grades and fuck up." At that point my O.G. stepped in and was like "I don’t know about them other kids, but my son is a straight A student" and she began to pull out my report card and sho nuff I had all A's. The lady was shocked and at this point she was talking directly to me. “Lil boy why the fuck you hanging with these lil boys and your grades look like this, you better than that. You should not be hanging out with them." I couldn't say anything because one. she was an adult and I didn't talk back to adults and two, she was right.

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

I was too smart to be with them. So I took that and ran with it. I started getting into more trouble and I started failing all my classes smh. My OG told me since I was too smart to hang with them I started acting like them. I fell off so bad and was so far behind it was hard for me to catch up. Years later, I'm a grade behind and I'm struggling because the stuff I was supposed to know I don't because I was too busy trying to fit it in with the wrong crowd. A crowd that at the time I thought was a good one. Two years, three years, four years go by and I'm still far behind. Now this once smart kid is now a failure and a disappointment to my mother and the rest of my family. The kid they know can do better is doing all the wrong things. I had to be placed in a special class to get special help just so I can learn what it was I needed to know to catch up. 25

Chapter 2 Now I'm 10 years old and I'm still behind in school and the hate and disappointment in my mother's eyes when she looked at me hurt me more than anything. I acted like I didn't care but deep down I did. I didn't show it because I was taught to never show weakness. I was heated when my OG found a new boyfriend(Christopher). Everything started changing. It went from them just talking and seeing each other to my mother having a conversation with my aunt FeFe and I overheard her say she was pregnant and that this man was moving in. The pain that I had inside became hate. I had really started acting out because I had a lot of anger inside that I didn't know how to express. I really started doing shit I had no idea or business doing. I was going around saying shit I had no business saying. I was going around starting fights with people, hell I even got to a point that I was taking my anger out on my classmates in school. All of this because I didn't want my OG having another baby. At first I thought she was playing, but she was really for real about having another baby. I promise to God in my head, my OG that I love oh so dearly, was every name besides momma you could possibly think of. Months later my lil brother was born. I really didn’t want him around. I would open all the windows and turn the air conditioner on high so he would be cold. As he got older I would think of more things to do so that he would have to go back. A few years after my brother was born we moved to the west side of Chicago on Homan and Douglas and that’s where Big Mainski was born and Jermaine would slowly die. To my family I was Jermaine, but to everyone else in the hood, I was Big

Kate M. Smith, Chicago 2021

Kate M. Smith, Chicago, 2021

Mainski. At first it started off with fights here and there. The more I was outside the more people would come to know Big Mainski. While living on Homan and Douglas I had the biggest fight ever. It was between me and some of the Breed shorties from off Homan. It started because I was playing sicko mob music. These goofy's didn't know if I was sicko mob or not, all they knew was that a boy they didn't know was walking through their hood rapping a pop song. We started fighting and I was defending myself from like four or five niggas. The fight went from a small fight with them trying to jump me to a bigger fight as the boys I was hanging with got involved. That was the day I decided to stop fighting and become Big Mainski the Savage. I started hanging around people with guns, hustling and playing with pipes myself. Every time a fight broke out I was always in it. I didn't Care how big or tall you was if I felt like you was tryna pull my card I was punching you in your shit. When people would ask who I was I would always say I’m Big Mainski. The moral of the story is that Big Mainski is Jermaine’s inner demon and that there were a lot of things that went into me becoming Big Mainski. That’s not saying Jermaine was a great person but Jermaine could and will get way more outta life then Mainski and I know that now. Mind Over Matter.

Ronnie I remember being a young, nice, innocent kid that meant no harm to nobody. I used to love drawing a lot. I started drawing at 4, I was too raw at drawing to be my age. Not only did I draw, I loved rapping. I was always somewhere with a pen and a paper putting a song together. I started rapping when I was about 7 years old. I was a big fan of music. I also used to dance. I enjoyed doing a lot of things as a kid and always loved to have fun. I always wanted to go outside to the park and things of that nature. I was also a very smart kid. My Mom did well making sure not just me, but all of her kids were on the right track so that we didn’t struggle in school and that we had good grades. From pre-k up until 5th grade, I always made the honor roll and got rewarded for being a good student.

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, Chicago, 2021

Kate M. Smith, Chicago, 2021

As soon as I touched 6th grade things didn’t fully go left, but things were slowly changing. By 6th grade I was at that age where I started realizing a lot. My mom has always been a single parent, so it was a lot of stress on her. I just never knew how stressed she was as a kid. I always knew my father was dead, but it started to fuck with me as I got older because my siblings had their father, and I used to feel down every time their father would come around and mines didn’t. A lot just started happening. I witnessed a lot being a kid and it left me wondering “Why?” That’s when I think I started to really change even more. I don’t know, something just didn’t sit right with me at all and I started changing: my attitude started changing and everything. The more I saw the more I started to see my family’s true colors. We were nothing but the best to our family, and all they did was screw us over. It was just something about my immediate family that made the rest of the family hate on us. My aunties were stealing from us. They smiled in my mother’s face but they really were jealous and wanted her life. I rather not even speak on what my uncle was doing or my grandparents. Everything that was going on in the family didn’t do anything but make me more angry and I stopped caring about a lot.

I just needed love. I was no longer the same. My anger was bad, and now I was always into it with my mother. I was running away from home. It was just so hard to control my anger, and it still is, but I try to stay cool. But anyway, I ended up getting involved in the streets because I just didn’t care. I started hustling trying to make some money. Don't get me wrong, we really didn’t struggle. My mom did what she could and did what she was supposed to do for her kids. We never starved or nothing, but I just felt like I needed my own, and I felt like what my mom was providing wasn’t enough. I wanted more so I started hustling. Being in the streets hustling turned into something more than that. I started losing homies in the streets and losing loved ones period. That turned me all the way up. I eventually started participating in gang activities.

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

I did a lot and experienced a lot being young, but I’m at the point where I’m older now, and I'm fully aware of everything going on. Niggas done showed they true colors, and that’s why I will never trust a soul. I showed love to people and didn’t get that same love back. That’s why today my circle is real small.

Devontae The Story of Mom and Family Support and Love When I was little it was all about my mom who not only gave my brother, sister and me life, she tried to give us the world. She would always tell us how she was blessed to have us. I think she was trying to make up for our dad not being around. My mom would tell us stories about how happy she was, but she would also tell us the truth about all the painful things she’d been through. Sometimes it made me feel like nobody cared about our family and so we had to stick together. Growing up it was just us or sometimes my mom’s side of the family. My dad was not around nor was his side of the family. Birthdays came and went and they never showed up. I remember my little sister’s first birthday. My mom had gotten her a Mickey Mouse cake and ice cream and had invited all my cousins but none of them showed up. It was just our little family. I was only 10, but I was so mad for my mom and sister. I wanted to make them pay. I wanted to screw them over like they screwed us over. I knew my mom was upset. My father was in jail and she didn’t have any help.

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

Kate M. Smith, Chicago 2021

Being young with no father around, I sometimes felt like there was no future for us. I would be so hurt when I would see other people with their dads that I would want to cry. If not for my mother showing me, my brother, and sister support, I don’t know what we would have done. We learned early that we had to have each other’s back and look out for one another. My brother and I had to learn how to fight and do most things on our own because we didn’t have a father around to help us or protect us. We had to help and protect each other, so that’s what we did. 34

Letter to V Quai I’m sorry shit is the way it has to be for now, but we both know it could have gone another way. I’ve always been well mannered and carried myself differently. I was forced to mature early and you know why all too well, but this isn’t about me right now. It’s about lil cuz. I love your son like my mother had him. I always did. It was something about him that made me love him. Maybe because he was bad and reminded me of myself. As he got older I wasn’t around a lot because I was away doing prison bids. I know you blame me for him being the way he is when in reality we both know you’re the one to blame. You’ve been a Vice Lord since I can remember and he knows it too. Our house was Vice Lord headquarters. We weren’t sheltered from too much we saw it all. So I can’t possibly take all the blame.

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

I was in jail all of 2015 fighting for my life. When I first heard of how he was moving I was in Div. 9. Someone from the neighborhood got locked up and was put on the deck with me. He told me he was out there in it. When I came home after beating my case in 2016, he was already one of the main lil dudes on the block. I was hearing his name so much that I knew I had to have a talk with him. 35

When I saw him I asked him if this was what he really wanted to do, and he said he was in this shit already. Since I was someone that was respected in the hood I cuffed him. I made sure he kept some money in his pocket and taught him how to properly move in the streets. I did my best to make sure he had protection. I’m sorry that things are how they are right now, but they could be worse. He could be dead and that’s what I was hoping to prevent. Things aren’t over for him, they are actually looking good. I pray that things go good and he comes home early next year. When he comes home this is your chance to really raise him. I actually want to help him. I’m doing different/positive things now and now I can teach him how to move differently to move as a positive young man.

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

Pulling No Punches

This is Pointless Brandon

Kate M. Smith, Chicago, 2021

Let's be real honest here, this shit is pointless. I mean why tho? Why do I have to tell you about my life when my life is not yours? Maybe we have something in common, maybe we don't. The point is I don't know you and you don't know me and you want me to write about my life or my struggles whether good or bad. Let's be real honest here I want to write. I have stuff that I want to get out, but honestly, not about my life. Even if I write something about my life all it’s gonna do is piss me off and make me think too much. So why in the hell do I have to tell you about me when I have nothing to talk about? All this does is piss me off and makes me not write at all. I rather write about my other story that doesn't relate to life. I rather speak of it than write about it. I would rather have someone come talk to me and make a documentary out of it. 38

If you want me to talk about my life then talk to me and I'll tell you all about my whole life if I remember some of it. Again this whole shit about writing about your life is pointless. If you don't want to write about it then speak about it or make a song about it. Writing may last forever but speaking about it may last a lifetime. You can think I'm crazy but give that shit a shot. Don't take my words from this book, take my words as if I'm speaking in front of you and use your voice for something more than just writing your lifestyle.

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

CONTRIBUTORS Authors Circle: Brandon Corshion David Demonte Devontae Jermaine Quai Ronnie Taurean ConTextos Facilitators: Johnny Page Isaiah Manning Layout, Design & Photography: Kalief Dinkins Kate Smith dr moore Thanks to: Firehouse Community Arts Center (FCAC) Pastor Phil-FCAC Founder & CEO Derrick White--Navigator (Professional Mentor) & Program Director Marcellus Moore--Navigator (Professional Mentor)

Kate M. Smith, The Firehouse, 2021

Fahrenheit 5000 A ConTextos Magazine Firehouse Edition