JOURNEYS TO GROWTH & TRANSFORMATION

In collaboration with:

"Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter."

- African Proverb

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. We have worked with hundreds of Authors in Chicago who have been affected by violence, trauma and marginalization to begin the process of healing through self-reflection and writing.

Through drafting, revising, and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection and critical thinking skills, while building camaraderie and positive self-projection, all to author new life narratives.

ConTextos' program through Firehouse was a journey of co-creation. Such an experience is neither linear nor easy. Building a cohesive, trusting space in which people are able and willing to read, discuss, write, share, and give feedback takes time and a connective leaning into Authors Circle values, such as being brave, being candid, expanding one ' s comfort zone among others. One must feel seen and heard in order to even begin thinking about sharing his story. In picking and reading this compilation, you are taking step to confirm that these Firehouse Authors and their stories matter.

A Word from the Firehouse / 5000 West

At the Firehouse, we work diligently with the acutely under-resourced to provide tangible, real life options for change. Under the guidance of Pastor Phil, we help participants find their niche/lane and ride it into a new life. Through programming such as culinary arts, journaling/expressive writing, auto mechanics, barber/cosmetology, dance and technology, Firehouse is dedicated to showing participants that the world is bigger than their experiences. Our main objective is to “help the under-resourced secure safety, discover their passion and turn their passion to paychecks.”

Derrick White, Navigator/Outreach Director

What you are about to read is powerful, authentic, valuable and extremely real on every level.This is a compilation of genuine stories and thoughts loaded with meaning, Coming from an amazing group of young men who are passionate about amplifying their voices as well as complicating the narrative that is being pushed by society regarding young black men growing up in Chicago, which never captures who they are and how they really feel. These pieces of literature are sacred and were inspired by a journey we took alongside one another, sharing space organically while learning more and more about ourselves throughout the entire process. We listened to one another respected one another and most of all wrote what was on our hearts and minds each time.

These young men represent themselves and every voice that goes unheard in our city. Coming from the Firehouse Community Arts Center in North Lawndale, Every one featured in this publication is striving for greatness and isn't afraid to engage in deep self reflection while always staying committed to their own growth as human beings. Trust me when I say this about my brother's greatness will be achieved...Enjoy the book!

Trevor ConTextos Authors Circle Facilitator

TREVOR

CHOP

ALWAYS HAVE FAITH, COURAGE, AND POSITIVITY.

Never give up, keep it going.

Out of sight, out of mind. Within the light was a lie.

He died happy, knowing he lived.

The cuts healed, her heart didn't.

Life isn't promised, death is guaranteed.

Strive for greatness and never settle.

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because My daughter needs me. Because My grandmother needs me. Because I need me.

LETTER WITH NO ADDRESS

Wassup dawg, just checking up on you.

You know I'm grown now, and I understand everyone makes mistakes. Life is too short to not speak with one another. I just wanna cover up old scars. I really want us to get to know one another. You know, go get a drink and have a few real conversations that are past due . . .

THINGS I CAN'T TAKE

Things I can't take . . .

Life for granted.

Losing someone close to me.

Giving up on my baby.

Giving up on myself. Not having no motion.

Things I can Take….

A trip. Advice.

Making Money.

Living my best life.

SHORT STORY

Growing up I didn't have anywhere to go, so I would stay with friends. I didn't have much, so sometimes people would look down on me for that reason. I felt like this made me strong and gave me motivation. It also allowed me to see who was really there for me and who I had in my corner. Most importantly, it let me know I had to get up off my ass and go hard, to stand for something and never give up on myself. Just because you are loyal, doesn't mean you have love.

DEE

I'll tell you why I’m so strong.

Because growing up I seen a lot of things.

Because I went through multiple situations.

Because I came into this world in a very powerful way.

Because growing up, I was made fun of.

Because I had to step up and be the man.

BecauseI had to adapt to all situations in life.

Because I lost people who were close to me.

I am from Homan and Maypole

From the pole where its cold.

I am from Maypole where they leave you where you stand.

I am from the windy city.

Where the mind is strong.

I'm from Melvin and Andrea .

From being brought into this world.

And from a strong black woman who raised us.

Im form you ain't gon be nothing in life.

And from being told i was ugly.

I'm from proving people wrong.

I'm from Chi-raq.

Cheaters never win, winners always prevail these streets ain't a game play ya cards right.

I'd rather grind to get what I want, than to have it handed to me. Life is like a puzzle, grab all the pieces and make art learn to control your emotions then you create the outcome.

Growing up in Chicago on the West Side, I saw a lot of shit. See, like me, a lot of African American kids don't get the chance to live as a child in their childhood days. Growing up in the hood, you ' re faced with many different scenarios of life at a young age: drugs, violence, death, police brutality, racism and family issues. It's not about what happens to you in life, it's about how you get up and bounce back.

As a child, it started off as a nice fairytale world with happiness, but that quickly changed. Back then, growing up in the hood was cool because the hood was protected by the gangs. Yeah, they sold drugs on the block but they also protected the block. They built bonds with the people of the hood, gave the kids money and food, threw block parties, and just overall had a good time.

Death hit me in a number of ways at one time. I couldn't understand at the time, and that's what shaped me. I lost my Dad, my great great grandmother, my uncle and one of the block big homies. The very first time I was smacked with death in the face, I didn't know how to cope and didn't know what to do. I already had it hard coming into the world, cause when I was born the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck, but I showed no fear and persevered. This was not the first or the last thing I faced.

As a toddler, no one was watching me and I ate paint chips out the wall causing me to get lead poisoning. I was hospitalized for several weeks and it didn't look too good, but once again I persevered. Fast forward past that, I started to do martial arts. Everything I dealt with, I could now release and deal with it. With me doing that, I overshined and made crazy accomplishments.

I did tournaments, soared through the rankings and was a walking weapon. Then I later fell in love with sports, mainly basketball.

Basketball overshined martial arts but I still had it in my back pocket. I started seeing life differently. I became more disciplined, more awake and understanding. I could see my black people hurting off drugs, mental health, violence, beef and a lot of other things. I started to carry myself in a different manner, as in wanting to be the future and change my community to help my black people. It's not about what you get out of life, it's about what you put in.

FUBU

LESSONS ARE JUST BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE.

Save money for a rainy day.

Allah blesses those who want better. Get rich or die trying, doing. Four L’s live love learn laugh

Because I have a great family.

Because I have a healthy body.

Because I have a roof over my head and food to eat.

Because I overcame depression and drug use.

Because I accomplished my goals.

Because I could’ve given up, but instead I kept going.

Because I am a child of Allah.

Because I have good people who wanna see me prosper.

Because of my past insecurities that made me grow.

Because God gave me strength.

I can say by the time I got older, I lost touch with my mud brothers all due to pride and miscommunication. But it's all nothing but love. NLMB, we’ll touch bases soon.

That’s iron sharpening iron, something I had to understand and also learn from.

I am from Fifth city where they get money but it ain't pretty.

From the land of the iron man and that one way you better slow down.

I am from a warm loving house that I miss bad.

I'm from big Kevin and Margret.

From life they the reason i'm here today.

And from the way I talk to the way I walk.

I'm from hard work and being hard headed.

And from being bad, smart, risky and a protector.

I'm from believing in myself and no one else.

I'm from the raq, Im a trench baby.

KISE

GETTING MONEY NEVER BROKE MY HEART...

We all go through something. Push.

Life is hard but money helps.

Being you can make you rich.

Bigger the risk, bigger the reward.

Love, since you asked, I'll tell you why I'm so scared and hurt.

Because maybe your love ain't as deep as mine.

Because everybody’s fake.

Because ain’t no love out here.

Because I don't feel you.

Because you can get hurt or killed.

Because you can stress me out.

I'm from 3300 Roe block

From empty lots and bad thots

I am from Brick walls and fast cars

I am from well cut grass

Tall trees and falling leaves

I'm from Mom’s sunday dinner and my son stalking the kitchen

From taking my son to the park

And from stopping at the restaurant because my son is always hungry

I'm from you gotta learn to do it yourself cause i can't do it for you

And from take that trash out and clean your room

I'm from making it happen and cracking

I'm from the trenches but trying to be the richest

I can’t take no L’s.

I can’t take showing them love.

I can’t take this life.

I can’t take being broke.

I can take getting money.

I can take whatever life has for me.

One time me and my guys were riding in a stolen car. We got chased by the police, ended up jumping out of the car near Marshall High School, and started running. The car kept going, hit a police car, and banged up one of the officers. We eventually ended up getting caught, everyone except one person. Crazy part is that the police arrested two guys who were getting out of school and said they were in the car with us, but they weren't. I had never even seen these dudes before. They were misjudged because the officers assumed they were with us, and they got locked up for something they had nothing to do with.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE SCARED TO HAVE A KID

You shouldn’t be scared to have a kid or kids. Even though there’s so much a black boy and black men will go through, it shouldn’t scare you. Instead, it should make you love harder and smarter. The right Love can change anybody's life.

NOT NORMAL

Something that’s not normal is going from being a free and wild kid, running around with no worries in the world, but knowing what time to be home.

I used to run outside with a smile. Now I have to have a whole game plan on all the moves I’m about to make. I walk out the door with no smile and my head high; looking, checking to make sure I’m good and ain’t nobody waiting on me.

LILJEFF

ONLY PERFECT PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT RESULTS.

Keep going and never look back. Only perfect practice makes perfect results.

I got shot and they died.

Life’s more than meets the eye. Let Fear in, time runs out.

Lil Jeff, why are you always so mad?

Since you asked, I'll tell you why.

Because I didn't listen.

Because I was hanging with the wrong crowd.

Because I got shot.

Because I didn’t shoot.

Because I went outside.

Because I was thirsty.

Because I tried to save them.

Because they left me.

Because I couldn't eat.

Because I wore a neck brace.

Because I cant use my arm.

STEROTYPES

I went to an interview for a job at McDonalds all the way in Lincolnwood. At the time I lived in Roseland. The interview was going all good until the interviewer looked at me and asked what happened to my neck. Why did this even matter? I thought I told her that I had been shot. She automatically jumped to conclusions and asked me if I was a gangbanger. I thought to myself, “Why does it make me a gangbanger because I’ve been shot and I’m black?” I’ll tell you why… Stereotypes.

NOT NORMAL

I was normal once before. Now I’m everything but normal. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I have to look at this big dumb ass scar on my neck, a swollen face, droopy eye, and a skinny arm. It’s fucked up, but I’m learning to accept it. It’s normal now though.

MIKE

DON’T BE AFRAID TO SHOW OFF.

Don’t be afraid to show off.

If wise I would have won.

Race yourself compete with no one

Take a moment to look at life

Move correctly you won't be seen

Mom, since you asked this is why I'm so angry.

Because of my past trauma.

Because of my father.

Because I made bad choices.

Because I was left in the dark too long.

Because I almost died plenty of times.

Because I'm not where I wanna be right now.

BecauseI haven't seen life.

Because I don't know myself yet.

Because I can't provide for you right now.

I can't listen to people who weren't there with me.

I can’t steal, it's not me anymore.

I can’t have patience.

I can’t listen.

I can’t break my form.

I can’t jeopardize my life.

HOMELAND

I feel like my homeland is a peaceful/violent city where you can have fun, love, live, laugh and learn but you have to remember what happens in Chicago.

MISUNDERSTOOD

I feel misunderstood almost everyday, I just feel like no one really understands me and it causes me to prevail more.

PNEVER STAND DOWN. SPEAK UP ALWAYS.

Able to adapt to any situation.

Be your own version of you.

You need me, I need you.

Being a father is first priority.

Just stay cool, you will succeed

You show respect, you earn respect.

Teach the young respect the old.

The best advice applies to you.

Stay away from all negative things.

Get the table, we all eat.

Being alone doesn't mean you ' re alone.

Being smart leads to good things

To the world, since you asked I'll tell you why I’m so angry.

Because I lost a big brother that wasn't my blood.

Because I lost two big brothers to gun violence.

Because I lost my grandfather.

Because I lost my favorite auntie.

Because I lost my grandmother to Covid.

Because I lost my uncle to Covid.

Because I can't seem to have any luck in this world.

Mom Since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so happy

Because I have two beautiful kids.

Because I’m getting my life on track.

Because I want you to be proud of me.

Because I'm writing a book to express my feelings.

Because I feel like God has something great planned for me.

Because I lost a lot but I'm going to make the most out of it.

Because I'm starting to stay away from negativity.

Because you gave me life.

People lying to me.

Explaining myself to someone.

Not having my kids in my life.

Not challenging myself.

Someone else taking care of me.

Telling me you gone do something and never do it.

Chances.

Having another baby mother.

Living alone.

Someone not opening the door.

Advice.

Having more children.

Trying to reach my goals.

Taking care of my kids.

Dear Chicago,

Ain't you tired of the gun smoke? Got kids with no hope. All they learn is to smoke and sell dope.

Who gone look out for them if you ’ re on the run, can't move without a gun, is that fun or are you dumb?

Here’s a lesson to learn If you don't stop, you gone be six feet under or sharing a bed with your cell mate with yours right under that should make you wonder.

We are too busy chasing dumb shit All they want is clout. I think sometimes you should listen and watch your mouth. Maybe your brain would sprout, give you something else to think about. Because if I hear “ on that car ” one more time, I’ma blow up like a blimp, and my daddy was a pimp, used to walk with a limp. He exposed me to that life, even sat in my face and lit a crack pipe. Aw… this is life. I knew that wasn't right, then I saw the light, gotta pay close attention and see cause it's still gun smoke. No matter how life goes, it's like we are all hanging from a rope, just waiting for the next one to go. I hate my city, but I love it so bad. It might be sad. All them good times we had but it makes me mad. I lost my brothers and friends. When will it end? You're probably killing your kin just look at your skin. We need to make amends because you ain't gonna get a chance to do it again.

It’s been six years without you, lil bro. The last time I saw you we were outside late drinking and kicking it on the block. You walked up to me and asked me if you could have the last of my liquor. I told you no and you walked off on me with an attitude and said “Fuck you, bro.” I looked at you and said, “Fuck you too.” I didn't think nothing of it because we always had our little altercations like that. One thing I didn't know was that it would be my last time speaking to you, and I feel bad knowing that those were our last words to each other. I feel like I lost a forever connection with you because of that.

Me, I have no more tears. I’ve never been an emotional person at all. It takes a lot to get to me, but when I became used to seeing death, all my tears went away. It was death after death and I really thought I was next. So I started to feel ready for it to happen to me. I was starting to not feel at all for anybody, because I figured “How can I stay close to somebody knowing that I may lose them soon?” I had to see the light. It opened up my eyes because I could have been a whole lot worse than what I am. Now that my life is changing in a good way, I can just feel the happy tears coming my way, and I can't wait to cry for that.

I remember a specific time when I felt judged was when I was trying to hold some good news away from my family. I didn't want them to know about it until I fully knew it would be solidified. It made them feel some type of way, because they felt like that was news I shouldn't have kept from them because they always want to know about the good changes that I'm making in my life. This made me realize that next time I should be more open to sharing good news with them. But, to be honest, I was just a little nervous and not sure what they would think about it.

As a little black kid growing up in this world, a good thing to remember is when somebody is trying to guide you in the right direction, please try to understand that in that moment, whether you listen or not. It will have a big impact on your future.

People tried to tell me all the time that I was a smart kid. Some people even believed I could be something special in this world, but what did I do? I didn't listen at all. I chose to hang with my friends and run the streets. Don't get me wrong, I loved hanging with my friends, and we always had fun together. You can never get those times back. As we got older, things became more serious. Now when you get older you ’ re supposed to be more responsible, and it took me a long time to understand that because we were still stuck in doing childish things.

Some people are going to tell you that you need to stop hanging around your friends and start thinking about your future. It may seem like that person is always riding your back and you might not want to hear it at that moment, but it’s true. The older you get, making bad decisions tends to have bigger consequences, and you have to be ready for it.

I started looking at life differently once I lost a close friend to gun violence. He was like a big brother to me and he didn't deserve to die. Now this either goes two ways. You’re gonna want revenge, but what's that gonna prove? So I chose not to do something that would jeopardize my life as well as the people’s lives around me.

So when I started to remember all the voices in my head of people telling me what this type of life can possibly lead to, it clicked but I

didn't stop I just slowed down.

The only thing that changed was me making my own decisions and not letting people influence me to do things I didn't wanna do. You're going to spend a lot of time trying to figure things out in this life. The best thing to do is start as young as you can. It won't be as hard if you don't wait too long. You can still have fun but make sure you ’ re doing something positive towards your future, and stay away from all the negative things life has to offer.

Just know when someone is sending you positive energy, just take it in act on it and pass it on to somebody else. I like to believe in sending positive energy into the future, because what you put into life is what you will get back out of it. Make it easy for yourself so you don’t have to learn the hard way.

Another thing that changed me was having my first child. It let me know I really have to change so my kids won't have to go through some of the things that I did. All I want to do is provide for them and protect them, because I believe that family is the most important thing in life. Trust me when I say this, times will get hard and life will test you to see how strong you really are. This is the part I’m at in my life. I'm being strong right now and I have faith that things will get better for me. I feel it's only right to pass it on to others so that you know that you ' re not alone and people go through some of the same things. We are always stronger together. Thank you for listening.

Sad to say but people get killed everyday Where I'm from it became normal for people to joke about it. I’ve never once in my life played with something like that. A lot of bad things happened to people who really didn’t deserve it, so that's why it's not funny to me. I’ve lost two brothers to the street life. Only thing on my mind was revenge. I wanted whoever did that to my brothers to get the same treatment, but I'm really the type of person who thinks before I make a bad decision. I sit back and look at all the things that took place after someone has been killed. I'm looking for whoever else feels the same way I feel. I can see all the fake love around and people telling you that it’s gonna be okay or letting me know “If you need anything, I got you. ” I really had no one to talk to about these things in fear of them telling someone else. The streets don’t love nobody and the sooner people know, the sooner it can get better. It’s definitely going to take some time and a lot of hard work.

Revenge these days is a good feeling to some people. They even get a rush from it. I don’t have one hating bone in my body for anyone who’s never done anything to me. I knew that life wasn't for me because when someone dies, I feel sad and worried for the person and their family. It never really made me want to go and kill someone. I just figured that they would get what they deserve. I can't say that I’ve never had those kinds of thoughts, but I've lost so much I learned not to put my energy into those types of things. It's sad knowing you can't even walk to your car without being nervous. You can't even take your kids to the park you once played in. Revenge is the last thing on my mind. I wanna rise above all of this and try to help make a change in my community. I know I'm not out looking for revenge and revenge shouldn't be looking for me.

A: Always keep your head in the right direction.

B: Be mindful not to waste time.

C: Complete all things in life.

D: Don't ever quit.

E: Eat and stay healthy.

F: Feel good to change.

G: Get on the right track.

H: Have the strength to get something done daily.

I: Illuminate all negative energy.

J: Joke to make someone laugh.

K: Kill them with kindness.

L: Losing doesn't mean you ’ re lost.

M: Meet new people.

N: Never let them see you sweat.

O: Only think positive.

P: Predict your future.

Q: Question anything you don't understand.

R: Read to gain more knowledge.

S: Stay strong even when you ’ re down.

T: Tears only last a little while.

U: Utilize all resources given to you.

V: Volunteer sometimes.

W: Wake up and be happy.

X: X-ray your mind and see your thoughts.

Y: You know what you have to do.

Z: Zoom in on life to get a clearer picture.

ROB

I AIN'T GOT TOO MANY WISHES.

And if I had another wish.

Lakers can't get over the hump.

I am from 3836 W. Wilcox

From video games and basketball

I am from the woods

Trees, birds and dogs

I am from my Mother and Father

From basketball with my Mom

And from I get being funny from my Mom

I'm from staying focused

And sharing is caring

I'm from Christianity the cross has a strong resemblance to the sword

I'm from Rush hospital

RYAN

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD CHASING TAIL.

Shid. It is what it is.

Aye! Naw bro. This is weak.

Well since you asked, I'll tell you why I'm so mad.

Because I fucked up, and I know it

Because I just can't shake these old habits.

BecauseI’ve been down and things ain't been looking up.

I can’t take Goofies, I can’t take Uncle Toms, I can’t take our gas prices.

I can’t take Donald Trump’s hair, I can’t take big backs and dirty white lows,

I can’t take raisins.

SHELL

MY EYES HAVE DECEIVED ME DAILY.

Outside of everyone, I choose you.

TYVELL

CAN'T STOP, WONT STOP, GIVE UP

Can't stop, wont stop, give up. Stand up when pissing, man up. Leave her no drama, no case. Motivational speaker, rub off I’m speaking.

Drink water, eat healthy, stay dominant. No condom, more kids, blessings, headaches.

Since you asked, this is why I'm so observant Because Being quiet allows you to peep everything, and they won't notice you there.

Since you asked, this is why i'm always the flyest Because Don’t no lady want no dusty looking dude.

Since you asked, this is why I'll always keep a sidekick. Because What one female don't know the next one will

I can't take hypocritical people.

I can't take not being able to provide for my family.

I can't take the moment I’m told I’m pregnant.

I can't take the chances of me not running my money all the way up.

I can't take the thought of me not progressing in the gym.

I was raised and brought up on the other side, where the big five reside. But when we got older we started to grow apart, well at least I did. There would be times when I felt like I was missing out but I wake up everyday blessed to be able to see and talk with my kids and lay up with something like Judy lol… But a lot of my friends and homeboys didn't get a chance to make it. I strived for more and sought guidance. Not saying they didn't. We all took different paths. Most days I just wish they came with me. Now everyday I wake up and everything I do is for my three hearts.

I Am me as you can see, I Am not a boxer like Muhammed Ali. But I Am me.

I move around like a butterfly. When i'm upset, I’m gone sting like a bee.

I told you once.

I Am me.

I graduated from being manipulated, and the streets became agitated. Big words.

I'll end it with motivated.

I Am me.

Kids and us are coming up in this place we call the ‘ raq (Chicago). In our homes, we have witnessed sacrifices and seen things we aren't even able to fathom such as break ups, robberies, home invasions and evictions. These are the ones I hate the most. For those who don’t know, let's just say I didn't always have it. But I can say I'm thankful for where I am and where my family’s at today. This is the most humble I’ve ever been. “Growth.”

There’s been plenty of times where I felt misjudged. It's happened a lot, but once I'm in a room or around these people who misjudged me, it all changes once they see how I conduct myself and speak. I was at an event one time and some people judged me as if I didn't belong there. Their minds changed when I contributed to the conversation they were having.

And to my hero, that's who I chase now. When I was 15 years old I had a very important person in my life. He came to me and asked “Who is your hero?” I said “I don't know, I gotta think about that. Give me a couple of weeks.” I came back two weeks later and this person comes up and says “Who’s your hero?” So I thought about it and said “You know who it is. It's me in ten years when I turn 25.” Ten years later that same person came up to me and said, "So are you a hero?” And I was like not even close, no no no. She said, “Why?” I said because my hero is me at 30. So you see everyday, every week, every month and every year of my life my hero is always 10 years away. I'm never going to beat my hero. I’m not going to obtain that. I know I'm not and that's fine with me because that keeps me motivated. It's someone to keep chasing.

FIREHOUSE COMMUNITY

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