The Day We Met Jonathan Rodriguez
“Until the lion writes his own story, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.” -African proverb The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising, illustrating and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, and positive self-projection to author new life narratives. Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff ’s Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these young men, their families and our collective communities. In collaboration with
The Day We Met Jonathan Rodriguez
OK, so here I am sitting in jail for murder and going through it. I was having a great visit with my mom. The last 5 minutes of the visit she tells me, Oh yeah, by the way, I forgot to tell you that you have a kid. I laugh. Me, What? No I don’t. I’m for real, she says. So at this point I ask her what she’s talking about? She says, you have a little girl. I’m still thinking this lady has blown a head gasket. So I’m like, OK, I think you’re mixing up your kids, lady. I’m Jonathan, the good one.
Moms says, you’re Jonathan, the dad. She explains Ashlee had a six year old little girl. Me? I haven’t seen Ashlee in forever. How long? she asks“Shit, I don’t know. Then the officer says visiting over, times up. My Mom tells me she loves me and we’ll talk. I’m like darn, yes we will talk and she laughed out loud. I get back to the deck and I call her. I’m going over what just happened in my head. She just said that I have a kid. Me. How is that possible? Me, a kid? Can’t be true! I always thought I’d be married first. What am I thinking? I don’t have a kid with Ashlee. How? When? Where? Mom finally picks up after like the tenth call. I’m pissed and confused. What took you so long?” I had to get to the car, Jonathan. I just left.
OK, I got a call from Ashley’s parents a few days ago. They said that she was in a car crash and died. There were drugs in the car and they took her kids. DCFS won’t give the kids to the parents for whatever reason, so they called me to let me know that you have a kid. I have a grandchild and I need to come get her from DCFS. Mom says she asked for a picture and they sent her one. She took one look and flew to Texas.I looked at the time, It’s been five minutes, but it felt like a lifetime to me. What are you talking about? Go slow!
Mom stayed in Texas for a few days, talking with the grandparents. She says the little girl knows who she is the moment she sees her. I’m lost. She says that she knows me from pictures. Who is this kid? She says Ashlee told her who I was but, that I was dead. She tells me that her and the grandparents talked and the grandparents think she should stay with them until I get out. I ask Mom why she’s telling me all of this now. She says because the grandparents sent papers in the mail. They’re trying to take my rights away for good-to keep her and move away.
Here I am already going through the worst shit ever and I get this shit? I’m hurt. I’m pissed. Why me? Why now? Is all I can think. Is this real? Is this some F’d up dream? Is she even mine? I don’t even know. I take a few days to call my Mom back. The day I think I’m going to call, we get locked down.
The next day I get woken up for a lawyer visit. I’m thinking it’s too early for this. I almost don’t go. I get there and I’m like I think you got the wrong guy. That’s not my lawyer. He says you’re Jonathan Rodriguez? He asked my birthday and I give it to him. He says it’s me. Cops walk out. What’s going on? I ask Who are you? He says that my Mom hired him. He’s here for a DNA test. For what? I ask. He tells me that it’s for my kid in Texas.
Next thing I know I’m being told that I am going to Will County. My Mom came to see me and told me that the judge at Cook County wouldn‘t let me go to Texas for court, but the Will County judge would that’s why I was moved to Will County. My mother paid for the trip and they took me by bus, it took forever to get there. The entire time I’m going nuts not knowing what to do
I get to Texas and my mom comes and sees me. She tells me to calm down and asks why am I so scared? I tell her I don’t want to see her like this. I think she will be better off without me. She gets up and leaves out of the visiting room. She comes back a few minutes later with the lawyer. He tells me the little girl won’t be in the court. So I feel OK. A little while later I go to court. The Judge says, Hi. I say Good Morning, your honor.
I’m lost in my own world.
Next thing I know the Judge asks me. Son, are you OK? I say, yeah. He asked me what’s wrong and I tell him nothing. He stopped court and asked me to come talk to him.
Now I’m like what the hell is going on now?!
The cops take me back to talk to the Judge and he again asks if I’m OK. I say yes. He then asks why I don’t want to see this kid? I say I’m scared. He asks, why? I said because if she is my kid, I don’t want her to see me like this. He asks like what, and I say like a monster. He asked me if this was my first child and I said yes. He laughs and tells me he can tell. He asks why I don’t have anymore and I tell him I wanted to be married before I had kids.
He asks if she is mine, what’s the back story? I told him me and Ashlee were engaged but before we got to the date, for the second time, she up and left after a big fight. He asked if I hit her and I said no, though she hit me. The cops took her to jail a few times. He asked why did I stay with her? I told him at the time I still loved her. He said he knew I wasn’t lying, because he called in a favor to the Orland Park Police. Do I know what they told him, he asked? I said no. He said a lot more than what I’m telling him. He said she used to beat my ass like she was the man of the house. I laughed out loud.
He gave me some water to drink and we went back to the courtroom. When we get back in court he tells the lawyer it’s his turn to talk. He asked the grandparents what’s going on. Again they said I was never there. That I didn’t want anything to do with this little girl and that I used to beat their daughter until she called the cops. They said that she left to get away from my crazy family.
Judge asks, is that all? They say no, that I’m a killer, a monster, and that I’m in jail for murder and they don’t want the little girl to grow up like that. The Judge asks again is that it? They finally say yes. The Judge laughed.
He looked at me and asked if I have anything to say. I say they’re lying. He says is that all and I say yes. He looks at the grandparents and said that he is sorry for their loss, but with all due respect that story that they told, he does not believe it. He says that he called the sergeant of the Orland Park police department and he told him everything. He says that I’m a modest young man. He tells them that my mother showed him the Facebook messages they sent that said I didn’t know about her. Ashlee didn’t want to tell me until she knew if she was going to come back one day. Judge says to them, you say right here how you didn’t believe that was right. You told your daughter that I was a good man and always did right by her and would be a great dad. That she even went as far as to tell her, to try to get back together with me so we can be a happy family. Is this not what you wrote? They’re looking dumb and says that they just wrote that to make my Mom come down here to get the kid back from DCFS.
He said I think you’re lying. He told him if we were bad people, we wouldn’t be going through all this to get a kid that we don’t even know is mine or not. Bad people don’t do that. They said they think it’s because the little girl is going to get money from the crash. He asks my Mom and she says she didn’t know anything about any money. He tells them he thinks it’s the other way around. They tried to talk and he cut them off.
He tells them he is going to read the test. Looking at me he asks if I have ever seen the kid. No. He asks me if I want to and I say I don’t know. Look at me, he says. It’s OK, son. You are not a monster. He says that I’m a man going through the troubles of God and that it is going to work out. I put my head down, feeling like I’m going to cry.
I stop myself then the Judge says who are all the people in court with me? I say my Mom and he says and who else? I look up and around then it hit me. I was so scared to look around that I didn’t see my family there--my sisters, brothers, aunts, Dad, uncles, cousin, even my pastor was there. The whole gang. I let a tear fall. Judge, I tell him, my family.
He asks my sister who she is and what she was doing there. She says that she’s my sister and that she’s here for me. He asks why and she says that I’m her little brother and that she came for support. He asked what if the kid’s not mine? She says then it was still OK that it was good to see me face to face. He asked if she thought I would make a good dad. She said I already am. He asked how and she says that I always have all the kids. I take them out to do things: the zoo, the show, movies, park, jump zone, go-cart, and make sure they do their homework before taking them.
Everyone sits down and he reads the paper. I’m sweating now. I look up and says he is sorry. He looks at me with a face and says it again. I’m sorry, son, but…. He tells me she’s mine.
I’m shook.
My world has just been blown apart. He tells the bailiff to get me some water.
The grandparents try to say something and he tells them he’s had enough out of them.
He looks at me and asks me if I wanted to see her now. I say no. He says why and I say not like this. He calls the cops who brought me and tell them something. They take off my cuffs and shackles off. The bailiff gives me a shirt and some pants. Judge tells me to change into them. I’m so lost and go back and come out. He says how about now? I say I’m scared. He says, Son, of what? I say what if she cries when she sees me? What do I say?
How do I tell her who I am where I’ve been?
He stopped me and tells the bailiff guy to go get her. I tell him, No! But he waves him on. I’m going nuts and the cops say, Don’t run. I sit down and I can’t look. She’ll see me. She comes in and she goes to her grandparents. They tell her to talk. She says her name is Maya. He asks her to come up on the bench with him. Shy so shy, I look at her. I see she’s cute. I start having to wipe my eyes so I don’t cry. The Judge asks her how she’s doing and she says fine. He asks her if she sees anyone in the room that she knows. She smiles and says Yes. He says who. She looks up and says her mommy, her poppa. I look around and her grandparents say that’s what she calls them. Then the judge asks her, anyone else/ She looks and says her new grandma and pappa.
He says anyone else? She smiled at me, looked at me and says Yes and my Daddy.
I am shook. He said, where? She points at me. I’m crying and don’t know why, but I’m crying. He asks her does she want to hold me and she says yes. He gets up and brings her to me. She grabs me and I start bawling like a baby, hugging this kid. This kid that I don’t know. She is crying now, making me cry even harder. I think I scared her my first time seeing her. I look around and everyone is crying-cops, judge, mom, everyone. This little girl is hugging me like I’m her best friend in the world who just came back from summer vacation.
Crying, I ask her why is she crying? She says because she misses me. I tell her I miss her, too.
The Judge says he’s going to give me a few minutes to talk with her. She’s funny, cute, smart. We talk a little then the judge asks her if he can talk to her Daddy for a few. Then we can play for a few when we get done. She says yes, but when she finds out he wants to make her wait in the other room where she was, she cries.
He asks her why she is crying and she says she wants me to go with her. He promises her that I will be done in a few and that he will make sure that we get some time together. She goes out with the people who brought her in. The Judge says so, now what do you think? I said that I love that little girl before I knew her. He said I knew that when I seen her.
So now what are you going to do? I say, I don’t know. He says that her grandparents are fighting to get full custody of her and don’t want me to see her today. Is that what I want? I tell him NO. He said he didn’t think so. He asks me what I wanted to do. I tell him that I want to keep her or have my Mom and family to help keep her if she wants to go with them. He said what if she doesn’t want to go with them? I said I don’t want to scare her or make her cry. He tells me to tell him what I want and he will do it. I look at my mom, and he says I’m talking to you. I say, I don’t know yet.
He says he’ll help. He tells them to bring Maya back in. He asked her where she wants to go. She looks at me, my mom, her grandparents, at my mom again, then the Judge tells her to come tell him in his ear. She told him something. He told them to take her out.
Look at me. He asks me again what I want. I tell him I want...he stops me.
What if he told me she don’t want to stay with me? She just wants to see me when she can? I tell him I will do that as long as they let me see her. My family look at me, pissed, and shake their heads.
The judge asks the grandparents the same thing. They say she’s too young to know what she wants. They think she belongs where she has been. That we can see her when she is older, when she knows what she wants.The Judge laughed out loud.
He tells them he is sorry that their daughter passed. He says that Maya wants to stay with her Daddy and asked if her sister can come, too. He tells them that he is going to give me full custody. That they will have to meet my conditions. That when they want to see her they would have to fly to visit. like it. He asks me what now? I tell him if I can give power of parenting to my mom until I get out. He says yes, and that’s what he wanted to hear.
He told me to get my baby and come have some lunch on him in his room. So we went on to eat, play and talk. I told her that I have to go back and my Mom wants to keep her. She said OK and asked if she can play with the other kids, too. I said, yeah. She asks when will I be home. I told her in a year. She said OK and she loved me. She gave me a kiss then we cried and hugged. Then she told me that her favorite color is blue. That’s my favorite color. That she knew me from my picture and that she loves puppies, because I love puppies. Her mommy had told her that. She knew a lot about me from her mom and that was great.
I love it. I love her.
Maya
Jonathan I am from Chicago From tacos and red beans and rice. I am from the white house on the block, The house with 50 kids. I am from the Manor to the park. I’m from a strict and loving family, From Rodriguez, Soto and Miranda I’m from the “if you fuck up in class, they’ll get that ass at home.” From a problem put off today, is still a problem tomorrow I’m from after Church don’t change your clothes, Because the Father is coming to eat. I’m from Mexican rice to Arab money, Arrachera, lamb. From having a loving family To trying to get back to them, And start mines with my new baby.