African Proverb
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter
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Kevin J. Sabbs Father's Image
When you were a child what did you dream of being?
Maybe someone famous, a doctor, police officer or even a lawyer. Some would even say, “I want to be just like my father.” Well for me that wasn’t the case, I wanted to be better. I'm going to tell in this book how my life mirrors my fathers, and how difficult it was trying to reverse some of the things that I seen from him.
The Young Generation might not know this song by this group The Temptations titled “Papa Was a Rolling Stone,” well I think they made that song specifically for my father. But who am I to talk? Sometimes the apple don't fall too far from the tree. My father was a real magician growing up I say this because one minute you see him the next you didn't or another trick was like someone put him in a box and sawed him in four parts because he had to split his time between four families that he created but enough about him for now he'll be popping up in and out of this book just like he's been doing throughout my life.
Fast forward to my pre teenage years when everything was changing, from my body to my friends and even my life. I consider myself to be a very attractive person and many women felt the same way. Once I found this out, which was around 7th grade, I took full advantage of this. Also when I found that I could manipulate many of the beautiful women that I came in contact with that made it even better.
I knew it was wrong but it was easier to justify doing wrong then it was doing right. Fast forward some more I'm going into High School where there was a whole different variety of women. My father wasn't around enough to tell me what I was doing was wrong and even if he was I don't think he could have given me that lesson cuz he wasn't taught.
I began having sex in high school, another lesson that I had to learn on my own. I had so much sex in high school with so many different women that people thought I would impregnate the whole female population in the school. It didn't help that I was a star athlete and popular around the school. It carried on the whole time I was there until I met this fine ass cheerleader.
She was too shy to talk to me so she sent her friends over to hook her up with me. We dated for some months before we had sex. When she ended up getting pregnant she didn't want to tell me cuz she didn't know how I would react to the situation. I had a lot going on for myself and so did she. We both were looking to go to college, for me sports and her for her smarts. We both made the right decision to keep the baby. It was the best decision.
Throughout the pregnancy I was very attentive to her every need and want. The only bad part about the pregnancy was that I was still cheating and manipulating women. I never thought she would find out or maybe I never cared. Me doing this put her under tremendous stress and she went into labor two months before she was supposed to. When I made it to the hospital and saw my child in the incubator so tiny and defenseless I broke down in tears. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Endiyah. Born on Thanksgiving Day due to her being so small and under nurtured we were unable to take her home with us.
I spent every single day at the hospital until they allowed her to come home. It was on Christmas Eve and it was one of the greatest gifts I could have received. Having a baby Girl meant the world to me. I couldn't wait to be her protector and provider. Something my father didn't do. While I was trying to be father of the year on one hand I was back to my tricks again with the women.
During my relationship with my newborn’s mom, I started another relationship with another beautiful woman around the same time my daughter was conceived. I couldn't control my desires for other women. I wonder if my mom had to go through this with my father, my guess would be a yes.
Being around this other female plus getting into it with my child's mom made me want to be with the other female even more. This woman truly stole my heart. She was fun to be around and to top it off she was smart, a go getta, and she was beautiful. We had sex and she got pregnant so we decided to make our relationship official so I could be in both my children's lives.
This became difficult for me because I wanted to have my cake and eat it as well so I played both sides of the fence and didn't do a good job at it. This caused a rift in the relationship and put a lot of stress on her which caused complications with her pregnancy and again my child was born early.
My mind was racing, and all I'm thinking is not again. Milyah was born June 13th the same day that her mom was more than 19 years earlier. She was another special child for me because she came out looking just like me and I wanted to do what I planned to do for my first child.
Me and her mom grew to have an understanding relationship and I slowed down with the cheating and picked up a new habit lying. I thought I was doing the right thing and it turns out I was doing nothing but making the situation worse. I didn't know how to love anyone or anything because I didn't know how to love myself. I never witnessed my dad love my mom.
I watched my Mom struggle with six kids working two jobs and still being able to make it to school and sporting events. That's another story on its own. I can go on and on about my mom. She loved us so much that she became an enabler to us.
Me and my second child's mom broke up for a while because I couldn't control my desire for women. I managed to manipulate my way back to her and we agreed to work on our relationship and start over in a new state.
Sunny California was our destination.
If you ' ve ever been to Cali or you’d seen it on TV then you know that there is nothing but beautiful women and cool places to hang out at. I took full advantage and started sleeping around again. I also did a lot of networking in California and met this Asian guy who was trying to start a security company and was interested in starting it with me.
One of the few things I picked up from my father was how to hustle and market myself and be handy. Anyway, I eventually had to go to a trade school to get my credentials to start the business with the Asian guy. While attending the school I met this bad ass Hispanic chick who was trying to become a LAPD. I told her I was starting a security company and I needed employees. She told me one of her family members was looking for work and I agreed to hire them both.
I knew she had a crush on me from the way she used to stare at me and how she talked to me so I invited her on a trial run with the company for one night. We were giving off solid Vibes with one another that night and the night ended at her place for a one-night stand. Long story short, we had sex and she got pregnant.
The first time we had sex what are those odds? LOL. The worst part about this is that me and my daughter's mother was still together supposedly working on our relationship and I couldn’t control my desire for other women. She told me she was pregnant and me being the coward that I was I lied to my daughter's mom and told her it wasn't mine. She found out the truth and we broke things off and went our separate ways but she still allowed me to be a father. Me and my pregnant girlfriend started over and made our relationship official.
We began to feel each other out as the pregnancy went along and it was real love between us. If you came this far in this book then you might have caught on to my pattern. Yes, I messed up that situation with all my lies and my cheating. What I put her through also made her have complications with her pregnancy and she had our child early. She gave birth to my beautiful baby boy and we named him Nehemiyah. Now out of all three of my kids' lives she was more special.
I know that might sound bad but let me explain this. She blessed me with my only son to carry on the namesake and he can create one himself. She also was the only woman to love me for who I was and help me with my mental issues. She was there for me even when we were separated, kind of like how my mom was and still is for my father.
I'm sitting here in this position right now because I couldn't control my desire for other women. I'm 38 years old with three beautiful kids and three baby moms. I guess you can say that I kind of altered the way me and my father mirrored each other. In a way I feel like we share the same stories because we still love the women we had kids by. Throughout all these relationships with these different women I never felt important, so in turn I never treated them like they were important.
My message to those who read this is love yourself and show your offspring how to love. Also realize that life is a struggle but it's all how you handle those struggles that will determine which direction your life will go. Lastly we have to understand ourselves before we can understand other people and also understand our children. I realized that I was chasing everything I wanted but nothing I needed. But while being incarcerated I've come to the conclusion and realization that I already had everything I needed and nothing that I wanted. I guess the apple don’t fall too far from the tree.
Father's Father's Image Image
Kevin J. Sabbs
I Am From
I grew up on the South Side of Chicago
From 69th and Racine, the Englewood area
Raised in a single family home
Went to The Real Gladiator school, where only the strong survive
I’m from a family of morals, where we look
After each other
I’m from where sports kept a gun
Or drugs out of your hands.
I’m from learning how to cook at an early age
Took me places that you could only imagine.
I’m from where the women in my family
Are so strong and “ can’t” shouldn’t never Roll off your tongue.
I’m from where we don’t only call on God when we are in trouble.
I’m from the South where our motto is “Catch it, kill it, and cook it.”
I’m from Marketta, aka OG Triple, The roots of our family tree.
I am Kevin Sabbs
A ConTextos Author.
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
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