Why Did It Happen by ConTextos Chicago

Why Did It Happen

Tory J. Bibbs

Until the lion learns to write his own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives. Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities. While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books. In collaboration with

Why Did It Happen Tory J. Bibbs

A story I always heard coming up from Mama is, “Boy, the shit you think you doing been done before. Times changed, characters remain the same.” She’ll go on and on. I hated that shit, I really did. I always felt things could come easy. The choices I make now is definitely a reflection of my past. Every morning before school, my ma would warm up Super Donuts she got from the GFS store. I never knew what GFS meant back then. As we went in, I would say, “Giant Foods Store.” Ma would say, “For someone who talks a lot, you say some dumb shit.”

We’d laugh as me, my older brother Wesley, and my little sister Kayla went in. I called it Giant Foods, because it was big and everything in there was bulk. We all loved it, and Ma always got a big box of Super Donuts. She would always make me and Wesley walk together to school when we were younger. She knew I looked up to him. One of the reasons is because I’ll always find myself in his shoes and clothes. We would argue but never fight: “Mama ain’t having that.”

My ma always made a wa y for all of us. It wasn't the best, but she definitely go needed. I'll never forget the t us what we day my mother was having a baby—her light-brown-a eyes were the brightest tha nd-green t day. Her boyfriend was ha ppy as well, but my little sis never liked him. We never ter and I liked anybody our mother called herself talking to, bu family. He didn’t live with us, t no w he was but he was there. I didn’t ca re much. He tried to get me up to him by taking Wesle to open y and I to play ball by our school. It was a good start tho ug h. I love little Michael “BJ” Ne lson. When he was born, he looked happy, full of joy. We him cry from outside the roo heard m.

The doctors wouldn’t let us in, but when he came out and the docs were done, they walked us in. When I saw him, I didn’t know the look I had on my face, but I could imagine the look was quite funny. Ma and the doctors were laughing as they put him in my arms: “Say hi to your baby brother, Michael.” Baby Kayla said, “Damn, Mama, he looked just like him.'' I thought so too. It felt good having another dark sheep in the family. He was born July 3, 2000.

The Fourth of July was here. My ma and grandma were preparing the meat for the grill— beef ribs, wings, and tips. I noticed Antonio, Mama’s boyfriend, wasn’t there. He wasn’t at the hospital either, but my mother didn’t care. She was so happy. She went on and on, talking with Grandma, Granddad, and my aunts and uncles. As I played with my cousins and brothers, we waited for night to come. I had little Michael on my lap with a Sprite in my hand. Kayla recorded us. She also recorded Mama whipping my ass when she saw what we were doing. That day was so much joy for Ma. I remember she ran in the house when TNT and bottle rockets went off. That day was full of laughs.

Every day after school, Ma would make us help out with Michael. I would make his milk when Ma didn’t feel like doing that nasty thing with her upper body. Wesley would say, “What’s with that?” referring to Kayla. Kayla would sit on the floor and watch. I’m like, “This not Arthur or Barney.” She would sit in ama zement. I sometimes fed him this Gerber cann ed baby food that he’d go crazy for. He’ll make this face that was so funny, like he was mad at the world when I put the spoon down. I tried to not tease him, and I do mean try. I had this Blue’s Clues teddy bear my ma got me when I was little. BJ would go crazy over Blue ’s Clues. He wouldn’t cry, but if I took it from him, he’d give me this look, like, Boy, if you don’ t put my shit down—

play with always would I . es ey er h ortness light in ed he had sh always had a tic o a n M I . s. im ay h d em id to let him up and kiss Man, I miss th ith him. Ma sa d I’d pick him w an g n e, yi m la p to l e ed again I wer BJ. He’d craw eek it happen en Kayla and h w w t , ex n n o o en rn th te af out what’s was fine, but of breath one that she’ll find sleep, and he id im sa h e sh ed a, ch M at ld octors said sleep. I w him. As he to l, where the d g in ita ld sp o o h h e as th w k little BJ to when Wesley worry. Ma too to t o n d an n going o rong. nothing was w

I thought maybe asthma, like my cousin Lil Matt had, but BJ seemed fine, still smiling, crying when he was hungry. A month before my 7th birthday had come, it started back up again. He would have trouble sleeping. It became harder for him to breathe when he would eat. Ma said enough is enough, and took him back to the hospital. She didn’t take us with her. Kayla and I didn’t want her to go alone. She went to the same hospital, and the doctors said something, I can’t remember. I remember she came home, throwing the door. She looked at Kayla and I with tears in her eyes, and told us to go upstairs and get in bed. We went. BJ was sleeping. I guess the doctors gave him some medicine, because I never heard him snore before. I stayed up that night. Kayla joined me at the top of the stairs. As we heard the door open, we heard voices. It was Ma and our Uncle Matt, drinking and talking.

We heard them talking about BJ and the troubles he had been having. Kayla asked me, “Is he going to be okay?” I told her I had no idea what was going on. We went to my mother's bedroom, where BJ was asleep. I took him his Blue’s Clues, and we watched him. As Kayla laid on my arm, I just looked at BJ, not knowing why Ma was crying. But I wondered why Ma was crying for him. He looked so happy, sound asleep snoring. Ma came upstairs and saw us. I remember her smiling, and telling us, “Baby, go to bed. You have school in the morning.” I noticed the tears. I told her, “Ma, my baby brother is fine.” She said, “I know, baby.”

The next morning, we were late to school. Ma stayed asleep. I kissed her, and Uncle Matt walked Kayla and I to school. Wesley was there already. In school I didn’t pay much attention. I was thinking about Ma, and what her and Michael were getting into. I raced home after school, forgetting about Wesley and Kayla. I had to answer for it, too. Uncle Matt and Kayla walked in. I ran from upstairs to ask where Ma and BJ was, and he said, “To get a second opinion.” Wesley came in soon after Kayla. We cooked eggs and toast with Uncle Matt, and then Wes and I were playing Halo on Xbox.

Ma came in with a fifth of light liquor and BJ in his car seat. He was chewing on his toy key ring. Kayla took him out the seat. Ma was walking funny to the kitchen where Unc was. Kayla and me laid on the floor, playing with BJ. Ma’s frien d Jernell came over, and another friend. All four were talking. I can’t remember about what, but it had to be funny. They all were laughing. Ma put on music, and told Kayla and me to go upstairs and to take BJ with us.

to get a irs to ask to feed him, and Ma said yes, and We went to Ma’s room to play. I went downsta him. ing rite. I was watching TV and Kayla was feed can of sweet potatoes ’cause that was his favo said, “No, I seemed fine. I said, “He just growing.” She She said, “Tory, he acting funny again.” He don’t like “I , said ’t even give him half the can.” Kayla think I gave him too much.” I said, “You didn up said, “He aight. Put him to sleep, since he been it,” as she ran downstairs to tell Ma. But Ma since this morning.”

s. my arm in im next had h asleep d I still n ll a e f , d la n y .I a co s on. K o Kayla t in a se t a h t it w x w e s n n p artoo id him d wen ll aslee more c , as I la d my eyes an . He fe o s n id a m e r s s a I u in my close , bro,” .m., ’ca ll good them. I had him ve been 11 a a I d r , ’s a p It e “ u h . rms re, I came to ha in my a still down the As she . It had im V h T d d a e s tch . I still h ncle Matt wa We wa a’s bed yU M n o , and m oom. m to me o o r Ma’s my r left out esley in W h it pw to slee

I don’t know how long I was out, but I heard crying. I ignored it, thinking it was my ma again. I thought it was something maybe the doctors had said, but it wasn’t her. Kayla come in my room and said, “Baby brother looking funny.” I said, “He’s sleep, move.” She said, “No, Tory, he booboo’d and he’s not moving.” I said, “Don’t say that. Go tell Ma to change him.” She said, “I did. She sleeps and won’t get up.” I said, “Okay, damn,” and got up and went to Ma’s room. Michael wasn’t moving. I touched his face to see if he’ll move. He didn’t. I didn’t noticed he wasn’t breathing until I put my hands by his face. Kayla was starting to cry again.

I told Wesley to come. When he saw BJ, he began yelling, and a loud panic from Kayla too. Uncle Matt heard us and ran to us to see what had happened. Unc went to go get my mother. As he called the police, he told us to go downstairs. We didn’t. Kayla, Wesley, and I just cried. Ma came upstairs, pushing us aside. As she picked BJ up, she started rocking him in her arms. Tears began running down her face. She wiped something from his eyes and kept rocking him. I remember her tears hitting BJ’s shirt. I heard, “Bro, you called him?” and, “Yea, sis.” Ma fell to the floor. Unc caught her. She began yelling with Michael still in her arms. Kayla crawled to her. Wes and I stood there, not saying a word. “I got you, I got you,” Unc said.

“The firefighters out front, Ma,” I said. She didn’t say anything, so I ran downstairs to open the door to the policeman and many others behind him. He said, “Where are they?” I pointed upstairs. They all ran upstairs where my mother was. He told me to stay put. I didn’t. I ran up behind him. The men from the hospital took BJ, and my mother went with him to the hospital. The police asked us what happened. “I don’t know,” I answered, “I was asleep.”

Wesley said that Kayla just kept crying. Uncle Matt picked her up and said to the officer that Michael had been having some problems lately. They left about a half an hour later. I asked Unc, “Is BJ going to be alright?” He said, “God has him” I just looked at him. Then I looked out the front window. I remembered thinking what Unc meant.

I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to think. I jus t hoped everything was ok ay, and that BJ was coming Matt got us up in the car. back home. Uncle I remember it was raining as we raced to the hospital wh Kayla nor I knew how to pra ere Michael was. y, but we prayed before we got out of the car and walke door. As we all went in, we d through the were silent. We had no wo rds, but you can still see the the uneasiness on our fac un certainty and es.

I was looking for my mother, but didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t see her. Uncle asked what room BJ was in. The nurse told us, and we went upstairs to where they were. The doc wanted to let us in, but the police was there. Ma was talking with them. They didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t ask us much, as we sat waiting for answers. A nurse and the doctor walked from the room and said that Michael had been pronounced dead 12 hours before he made it to the hospital.

He was dead before, they can’t even help him, that’s what I was thinking as I walked away, head hurting, heart beating fast. I couldn’t think. Ma was crying so loud, I know everybody on the floor heard. Kayla and Unc joined her. Wes and I remained silent. I walked to a big window close to the exit. It was raining very hard, and I even saw thunder. I just stood there listening to Mama cry and yell. I just watched the car go by as the rain fell. Ma and Unc went in, and Kayla and I just waited outside. Kayla walked by me and grabbed my hand. She started crying again. My head felt like a heartbeat.

I hugged her and cried too, as I said, “He okay, sis.” We both just stared out the window at the rain. Unc walked out the room, and Wesley walked in to see him. Kayla was still in my arms. I felt snot on my shirt. The nurse tried to talk to Kayla. I remember him saying, “He’s in a better place now. He has no pain. God called him home, sweetheart.” Kayla said nothing. As she stopped crying, I rocked her back and forth.

My eyes opened as Unc walked out to take us in. I stayed back. Kayla walked in. I remember thinking, This can't be real. Hours felt like minutes. I sat on the floor. The rain stopped as I noticed the sun coming up. I didn’t hear my mother crying as I walked toward the door. When I walked in, everyone surrounded BJ’s bedside. I don’t think I could think; I just stood there at the foot of his bed looking at him, my mind completely blank. Soon the doc said it was time to go.

. We got home, and Ma and The ride back to the crib I don't remember. Kayla and I were asleep None of us went upstairs that Kayla slept on the couch, and I slept on the floor. Unc stayed up. morning.

We didn’t go to school the next day, or the day after. My mother called Auntie Verje and many other family members to share the awful news about my baby brother. My mother had a different look in her eyes, one I’d never seen before. I know her heart was in pain, too much pain to bear. (Thinking back, I wish I could’ve been better to you, Ma, but me being me, I blamed you for everything.) Ma started drinking more. I was too young to fully understand why she was blacking out, yelling. It was too much pain, and with no help or love there when she needed it.

I fell into a deep hole, seeing my mother in so much pain. I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t care much for seeing my ma mad. I was mad when she cried. She tried so hard not to show any emotion at all. When I or Kayla was around, Mommy would change.

The day of the funeral, I saw a new side of Mommy. Like I said, Mommy never really showed us that side, but when she saw her baby boy not breathing, she couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t contain it. From that moment to the day of the funeral, we all saw something in our mother than we never have before that day.

Wesley by me, I didn’t and Matt on the other side, and As I sat by Kayla, with Ma, Unc, n to him. I couldn’t saying. I didn’t much pay attentio understand what the pastor was e the morning d. My mother hadn’t stopped sinc crie I as ting hur was d hea my think, and ring their words, we the people in there were done sha of. When the pastor was done and and I stood by my brother down forever. We arrived my lay d we’ re whe site the to t wen y did all this re. I didn’t understand it then. Wh the n’t was er fath r’s the bro little mother. My occur? Was this God’s plan?

Did I do enough for BJ...? Why my mother didn’t get the answers she needed...? Why did the doctors allow this to happen...? Why did my mother pretend BJ was fine...? Why did BJ not make it...? Lord, why did this happen...?

Sequel

After my brother had left us, it took a big toll on my family. My mother fell deep into addiction. School wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t for me. Times got harder. God never left us. Years later, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m the father of a beautiful girl. This is my new beginning.

Tory J. Bibbs I am from a gated community, From Super Donuts and OJ before school. I am from a home where Mommy is Daddy, Love, blood, only most water is dirty. I am from “hard head, soft ass,” And for every action, there’s a reaction. I’m from Momma rules is law and my heavenly father rules our religion, From a home that prays together, and hold one another down. I’m from the city where many try to make a name, And do whatever to succeed by any means. From doing nothing, you fall for something, and doing anything, fall for anything. I’m from Anita and Shug. I'm from Roseland to Cal-park, Grandma never let me out the gate. From corned beef and potatoes, sweet lemon tea.