August 14 issue of Complete Wellbeing

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant aĴitude.” — Martin Luther King Jr.

ISSN 2277 – 5153 VOL VIII ISSUE 10 AUGUST 2014 ` 100

The master key to

your freedom Step out of your self-imprisonment p24

Editor’s insights

Unlock that energy

Manoj Khatri manoj.khatri@completewellbeing.com

infinitemanoj ManojKhatri

The question is: how does one go about forgiving someone who has wronged us?

02 AUGUST 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 10

O

n 5th December 2013, Ronnie Smith, a chemistry teacher in a school in Benghazi, Libya was shot and killed by unknown gunmen while on his morning jog. In response to her husband’s murder, his wife Anita wrote a letter to the Libyan people in which she forgave the attackers and professed great love for the Libyan people. She was later interviewed on CNN where she once again reiterated that she forgave her husband’s killers.

In forgiving the murderers of her husband, Anita Smith ensured that she was extending great kindness—towards herself. Yes, you read that right. Forgiveness is an act of kindness to self. By forgiving the attackers, Anita freed herself from a lifelong bondage of hatred, anger and pain. She refused to punish herself for the misgivings and mistakes of others.

That pretty much sums up the objective of our cover story this month—that unless we forgive, we are destined to live a life of bondage. It’s like we sentence ourselves to a prison—of resentment. Like Brother Ananda Abhaya Karuna says, “Resentment is always about the past, but it takes place in the present.”

Brother Ananda, a long-term prisoner at the Branchville Correctional Facility in the United States, was invited to give a talk on anger and temper management to his inmates and the staff of the prison. Though I’ve written about forgiveness on many occasions, yet I find Brother Ananda’s insights compelling: “Forgiveness is not condoning unacceptable behaviour or making excuses for others. It means that we let go of the obsession we have with wrongs committed against us and refuse to let that person hurt us anymore. In forgiveness, we neither pretend [that] the past did not happen nor [do we] forget the past. We simply choose to live in the present, remembering some things so that we don’t hurt ourselves again. Put in another way: we remember without hate.”

But the question is: how does one go about forgiving someone who has wronged us? Colleen Haggerty will tell you. She knows. She lost her leg in an accident caused by a reckless 21-year-old, and for whom she harboured enormous resentment and anger for 15 long years. When she finally realised that her anger and hatred was only robbing her of peace and joy, she decided to let go.

As you read Colleen’s heartrending journey of letting go years of pent up bitterness, you will see that forgiveness unlocks tremendous amounts of emotional energy. It’s like a master key to the doors of heaven, which we keep locked with our own resentments.

Once you’re done reading Colleen’s account, I invite you to be kind to yourself and try the power of forgiveness in your life. Then write back to me with your experiences.

Complete Wellbeing

www.completewellbeing.com Vol VIII Issue 10 AUG 2014

RNI No. MAHENG/2006/21415

/CompleteWellbeing

EDITOR & PUBLISHER | Manoj Khatri EDITORIAL ADVISOR | Dr Grazilia Khatri SR COPY EDITOR & FEATURES WRITER | Wynrica Gonsalves ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR | Amit Amdekar SR GRAPHIC DESIGNER | Mukesh Patel EDITORIAL OFFICE 502, A wing, Sagar Tech Plaza, Saki Naka Junction, Andheri-Kurla Road, Mumbai 400072.

Tel/Fax: 022-6742 0900 E-mail: editorial@completewellbeing.com

EA TO PUBLISHER | Vidhu Marar CONSULTANT | Rahul Baji ADVERTISING SALES | M Shankar E-mail: adsales@completewellbeing.com

BULK SUBSCRIPTIONS Call: 022-6742 0900 SMS: ‘CW BULK’ to 7738387787 E-mail: copysales@completewellbeing.com

/StayWell

SUMMARY OF CONTENTS TRENDING THIS MONTH >>

The giĞ you give yourself-Forgiveness

By Colleen Haggerty

SUBSCRIPTIONS Call: 022-6742 0900 SMS: ‘CW SUB’ to 7738387787 E-mail: subscriptions@completewellbeing.com PRINTED AT | Rajhans Enterprises PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY | Manoj Khatri, on behalf of Complete Wellbeing Publishing Pvt Ltd., at Rajhans Enterprises, No. 134, 4th Main Road, Industrial Town, Rajajinagar, Bangalore - 560044, and published from Complete Wellbeing Publishing Pvt. Ltd., 502, A wing, Sagar Tech Plaza, Saki Naka Junction, Andheri-Kurla Road, Mumbai 400072.

Tel/Fax: 022-6742 0900 Editor: Manoj Khatri © Complete Wellbeing Publishing Pvt Ltd., All rights reserved. Reproduction, in part or in whole, in print, electronic or any other form, is strictly prohibited.

DISCLAIMER | Complete Wellbeing is dedicated to providing useful, well-researched information on holistic health/wellbeing, but its contents are not intended to provide medical advice/diagnosis for individual problems or circumstances, or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Readers are advised to always consult their physician/healthcare professional/therapist, prior to starting any new remedy, therapy or treatment, or practice, or with any questions they may have regarding a medical/health condition.

The views expressed by writers are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor, publisher, or Complete Wellbeing.

Using masculine pronouns ‘he’, ‘him’ or ‘his’ for subjects of unknown gender is considered prejudicial. We respect both genders and hence use feminine and masculine pronouns interchangeably.

Complete Wellbeing is not responsible for advertising claims.

Complete Wellbeing

24

DECIDE >>

Relationships 52 Does lying really save the other from pain?

By Ernest Dempsey

Exercise 68 5 rules of strength training

By Akshay Chopra

RESOLVE >>

Mind & emotions 48 How I got rid of my anxiety attacks

By Pauline McKinnon

Common ailments 88 Dealing with eczema

By Rameshwar Gutte

VOL VIII ISSUE 10 AUGUST 2014 03

MANAGE >>

Money matters 36 Wills and nominations

By Chitra Iyer

Mind & emotions 54 What you can do to help a suicidal friend

By Minnu Bhonsle

Sleep 85 Reduce your sleep debt

DISCOVER >>

58

Career & workplace 40 Good managers according to Chanakya

By Radhakrishnan Pillai and D Sivanandhan

Parenting 60 Mother to a special daughter

By Deepa Garwa

EXPLORE >>

Perspective 58 Use your imagination

By Ratan Singh

By Wayne Dyer

Complementary therapies 70 Boabom

INDULGE >>

By Yemado

Food & nutrition 62 Easy recipes for

reluctant-to-cook husbands

44

By Meha Desai

TRANSFORM >> Consciousness 34 Learn to forgive and forget

By JP Vaswani

UNLEARN >>

Travel 92 Uncharted Burma

By Sankara Subramanian

Mind & emotions 44 8 common myths dispelled

REGULARS >>

Consciousness 82 My spirituality is better

10 Events

By Valorie Burton

than yours

By Vinesh Sukumaran

08 CW Talkback 14 Write Notes

16 Happy happenings 65 Month Freshener 76 Culture club 80 CW Select 90 Confession booth 97 New kits on the block 98 Reflections

90

04 AUGUST 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 10

Complete Wellbeing

Happy happenings

To save dogs is what this nine-year-old wants to do for his birthday

Pic for representational purpose only

INSTEAD OF RECEIVING a mound of presents for his birthday, nine-year-old Ethan Katz wanted to save dogs from kill shelters. His love for rescuing dogs started when the family adopted their first pet dog from a shelter.

In order to raise funds, Ethan and his father designed t-shirts to sell. They specially created them for City Dogs Rescue, a dog rescue organisation based out of Washington, D.C. On Ethan’s page for City Dogs Rescue, he wrote: “My name is Ethan Katz and I am eight years old. I love dogs. I have two dogs that are very sweet. My birthday is on May 29th. This year for my birthday I want to raise money for my favourite rescue organisation—City Dogs Rescue.

We rescued my dog Brooklyn from City Dogs in November. I made this t-shirt to sell for City Dogs.”

The sales from his t-shirt collection garnered so much that he was able to rescue three more dogs!

This man can do without arms what most of us can’t do with them IBRAHIM HAMATO, a man from Egypt, is an example of how nothing is impossible.

He was only 10 when he lost both his arms in a dreadful accident.

Ibrahim used to play table tennis prior to the accident, but with both his arms amputated he thought he would not be able to play again. But he still went ahead and tried and, after faltering for a while, he was able to play again. “After I had an accident when I was 10, I tried to hold the racket under my armpit but failed. Three years later, I started to learn how to use my mouth but I was only able to hit the ball across the net,” he confessed. With patience and practice, Ibrahim not only managed to play but excel at the sport. He started frequently wining games against good players who had no physical disadvantage.

Last year his dream came true when the people who organised the international table tennis championship invited him to Complete Wellbeing

the finals in Tokyo. There, he got the chance to play against a few champions. He played against former World Champion Chinese Wang Hao, world number nine Jun Mizutani from Japan and Vladimir Samsonov.

They were all impressed by his playing technique, especially because he could play very well even with his enormous handicap.

Ibrahim Hamato proved to the entire world that indeed nothing is impossible. However, he had his moments of difficulty too. “It was a big challenge for me especially in the beginning when people thought I wouldn’t be able to play well or compete with other players, not just paralympians”. But this criticism proved to be a booster for him and motivated him to “practise more and more”.

Picture courtesy: International Table Tennis Federation

VOL VIII ISSUE 10 AUGUST 2014 05

Unlearn

mind & emotions

Woman, do you

believe these?

06 AUGUST 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 10

Complete Wellbeing

Movies, literature and popular culture depict a ‘happy’ woman as one with a successful career, married to the man of her dreams. She has adorable kids and lives in a massive house. But what if all this is a lie?

By Valorie Burton

THERE ARE A FEW ASSUMPTIONS that many of us buy into when it comes to happiness. Let’s just go ahead and debunk them now. Some are surprising. Some you may resist. But raising your awareness about them will help you make decisions and set expectations that serve you. They will help you to be happy on your way to your life’s vision rather than simply holding your breath until you arrive.

Myth 1: You know what will make you happy “If only” is a phrase that causes many women to stumble on the road to happiness. But research actually confirms that we are pretty poor predictors of what will make us happy.

We think a relationship will make us happy; a new job will make us happy; being in charge will make us happy. But the truth is: happiness is a state of mind. What makes you happy is your attitude towards your life. In fact, happiness has been defined as “how you feel about the life you are living.” And if you can’t be happy while you don’t have everything you want, you likely won’t be happy when you get everything you want. Because if your happiness is based on checking off a list of things and people you need to arrive at, the list will magically keep growing.

Myth 2: Success brings happiness Pretty much everything we pursue in life we do because we believe it will make us happier—whether it’s love or a career or weight loss or money. Success is no different. But the myth that success produces happiness is simply untrue. It is actually the other way around.

The attitude, positive emotion and optimism that accompany happiness create success.

Complete Wellbeing

VOL VIII ISSUE 10 AUGUST 2014 07

Studies show that happier people are more likely to get promoted, make more money and persevere in the face of challenges.

Valorie Burton is a best-selling author, speaker, and life coach dedicated to helping people get unstuck in every area of life. She is the founder of The Coaching and Positive Psychology Institute and has served coach to clients in over 10 countries.

Myth 3: Happiness is about what happens Circumstances actually account for just 10 per cent of your happiness. Study after study shows that after difficult or even tragic circumstances, people bounce back to levels of happiness close to where they were prior to the change in circumstances. So the miserable ones remain miserable while happy people adjust to the new circumstances and regain happiness.

Myth 4: Women who work are happier and more fulfilled This also is not true. Women who stay at home report greater happiness than those who work. I don’t find this particularly shocking. As much as I love what I do and know I’m living my purpose, there are days I daydream about not working at all. Can you relate? Fulfilment can be found in many ways, and millions of women have found it without 9 to 5.

Myth 5: Having children will make you happier This is by no means to suggest that you shouldn’t have children, but multiple studies over multiple decades show that married women with children are less happy than married women without children. For that matter, you can imagine that single moms report higher stress levels and less happiness than single women without children. Children are a gift from God, but in today’s world, they also bring a level of stress and anxiety that impacts happiness.

Myth 6: If I could just make more money, I’d be happier It’s true that if you are living in poverty and get a boost in your income, your happiness will skyrocket. That’s because meeting your needs is essential for happiness. However, beyond a certain threshold more money will not bring more happiness. Once needs are met, money is not the biggest determinant of 08 AUGUST 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 10

happiness. Giving some away will make you happier. So will living below your means.

Myth 7: Marriage makes women happier and men feel confined You’ve seen this stereotype on every sitcom.

The married man complains about how he has to get his wife’s permission to go out with the guys or is frustrated by his wife’s nagging or incessant to-do list. You get the idea that men are dragged into marriage kicking and screaming. And the women, of course, are all just dying to get married. It is an intriguing cultural stereotype because study after study shows that men are actually happier in a marriage than women. And when men divorce, they are more likely than women to remarry—and they remarry sooner than women.

Myth 8: ’Having it all’ will make you happy This is up for debate. By the looks of things, more and more women are opting out of trying—or have tried and just can’t seem to ‘have it all’ even if they want to. 43 per cent of generation X women who are college graduates don’t have children. Of the ones who do, record numbers are opting to leave the workforce and stay home with their kids. And the ones who are working and raising children face stressors and challenges that erode happiness. This is not to say there are no women who ‘have it all,’ but achieving ‘it all’—the husband, kids, stellar career, knockout body and happiness—requires an alignment of circumstances few women have.

So how about you? Which of these myths have you bought into? And how does it impact your feelings about where you are in your life? I invite you to drop the myths and start over with a new concept of what it takes to be happy. It is about renewing your mind and washing away all the beliefs that actually sabotage your happiness and learning the skills of happiness that actually work.

Adapted from Happy Women, Live Better by Valorie Burton. Published by Harvest House Publishers.

To subscribe to Complete Wellbeing, send ‘CW SUB’ to 07738387787

Complete Wellbeing

MONTH FRESHENER Infuse life into your days 1

Use your non-dominant hand; find out how much you can do with it.

SAT

3

9

SUN

2

SUN

SAT

10

Friendship day How about creating hand-made cards and bands for your friends?

Raksha Bandhan Strengthen the brother-sister bond; tie a knot of love.

Let your thoughts flow. Sit by the window and write a poem.

TUE

6

Discard/give away something that you rarely use.

7

8

Photography day Go out, click random pictures and embrace your love for photography!

WED

Offer to teach your help some essential skill that they may not know.

20

THU

Consume more herbs and less salt today.

FRI

14

22

FRI

This Independence Day, pledge to free your surroundings from litter.

SAT

Wake up earlier that usual and spend time meditating.

15

16

Women’s equality day Show respect to the women around you.

SAT

23

WED

27

THU

28

FRI

21

THU

FRI

19

THU

5

WED

TUE

26

TUE

11

4

Start your day with some energising music.

25

MON

MON

MON

29

Dig into your movie collection and pick up a classic; watch it with your spouse.

Make someone smile; it won’t cost you anything.

Give your iPod a break and listen to the radio instead.

SAT

Activate your vocal chords and sing, even if it’s in the shower!

SUN

Prepare something special today and share it with your next-door neighbour.

30

31

MY NOTE

www.completewellbeing.com

FRI

August 2014

Decide

relationships

in your teeth Are you afraid of telling the truth for fear of a backlash or to avoid hurting the other? Ernest Dempsey gives some useful advice

IT’S THAT SICKENING feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. You feel it in the pit of your stomach, and the stress it can cause leaves you in a state of misery. Your instincts tell you to say one thing, but your brain tells you to say something completely different, something that will keep the peace so that everyone can continue on happily in a blissful state of denial.

You’re faced with one of the toughest decisions to befall mankind: should you lie to your partner, or should you be completely honest?

We lie for a good cause… right?

We’ve all done it. We don’t really want to do it, but it comes almost naturally. That’s probably because we would prefer not to hurt the ones we love.

If you have a husband or wife who wants to sing but is a terrible singer, you might be inclined to encourage them to sing; despite their apparent lack of talent. That situation can be applied to countless other scenarios where one person in a relationship lies to the other in order to maintain the happiness level. A er all, most people don’t really enjoy conflict, especially if the

10 AUGUST 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 10

Complete Wellbeing

conflict begins with something that one party could take as particularly insulting, like telling them their voice is terrible.

When we lie to those we care about, are we really doing the right thing? It may seem that we’re saving them from pain. For any person, being in a relationship means that we don’t want our partner to be hurt.

The problem is that by pretending that everything is okay, we are merely postponing the hurt. And when the person finally learns the truth about what you’ve been telling them, they may never trust you again.

that something was wrong?

Then she mentioned one thing. She said that initially the guys were really into her and always wanted to kiss her. But as the relationship progressed, they seemed to kiss her less and less.

An idea hit me. Maybe she had bad breath… But I couldn’t say that. And I actually didn’t know. Plus, I didn’t want to be the one to test it out. That was something I would rather let one of her girlfriends tell her.

I went about carefully laying the groundwork for building up to the possible solution to her problem. I told her it could be one of many things. I listed several items that might have been a turn off to guys, bad breath being one of them.

She asked me point blank if that was an issue, to which I responded that I didn’t know, but maybe she could ask some of her other friends about it.

The beautiful girl and her predicament

None of us wants to offend someone else’s personal air space and none of us wants to look like an idiot.

I have become a much more upfront person in the last few years, and am usually willing to be brutally honest with friends who ask me questions with potentially hurtful answers. I never found out whether my friend actually had bad breath or not. But if I were her, I would have wanted to know.

Have you ever go en something stuck in your teeth?

I have. This happens to most people, especially if they’ve eaten spinach because you can’t always feel if there’s spinach wedged between your pearly whites. And if someone doesn’t let you know about it, you will walk around for the next few hours with something green sticking out to everyone you smile at.

When it comes down to whether or not you should lie in a relationship, you have to ask yourself a very simple question. Would you want to know the truth?

Inevitably, you are doing far more harm than good by lying and delaying the foreseeable. How would you feel if someone you cared about told you that you were good at something, only to find out everyone else thought you were terrible? It would be way worse than finding out you had some spinach in your teeth.

I knew a girl who was extremely beautiful. She had an exotic look to her that any magazine would have loved and she had the smile to match. Her personality was equally as a ractive, so I really enjoyed hanging out with her whenever I could.

One night, she and I were talking about the various guys she’d been dating over the course of the last few years. She couldn’t understand why none of her relationships had worked out. The guys seemed to like her, and everything always appeared to be going fine.

But inevitably, the guy would break things off with her almost out of the blue. Each and every time, she was blind-sided by the breakup.

When she asked me what I thought the problem was, I honestly couldn’t say at first, because I didn’t know. So, I asked her a series of questions to get to the root of the issue. The line of inquiry went through every possible avenue I could think of: How were their conversations? Was the chemistry good? Were there any indicators Complete Wellbeing

Ernest Dempsey loves talking to strangers. He writes because he enjoys helping and entertaining people. He is author of the Sean Wyatt series. Contact him at ernestdempsey.net

Spinach in your teeth

What about you?

Are you afraid to know the truth about something in your life? What are the consequences if you don’t know the truth? Or are you afraid to be honest with someone you care about because you don’t want to hurt them?

Ask yourself the simple question. Would you want to know?

VOL VIII ISSUE 10 AUGUST 2014 11

Explore

perspective

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”

— Albert Einstein

Your greatest power We have the potential to do anything, because we have within us the power of imagination

By Wayne Dyer

12 AUGUST 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 10

Complete Wellbeing

WHILE WALKING DOWN a crowded street in London many years ago, I noticed a window display devoted to the English poet William Blake. There was a quotation on a sign in the window that I read over and over. The words seemed to touch my soul, and I was prompted by an internal calling to write those words on the back of an envelope. Blake’s 200-yearold words resonated strongly with me. I had a curious knowing that I’d one day be writing about what he’d had to say.

Fast-forward some 10 years later to the day I began writing this chapter about that most mysterious function of our human lives—our imagination. During the morning before se ling in to write, I was searching for some tax records in a desk drawer. Unsought, the Blake quote scribbled on the back of an envelope, which had long ago been misplaced, appeared. As I grabbed the 10-year-old envelope, I pondered for a moment how Divine synchronicity is always working, moving the pieces around while our ego believes we are in charge. Here I was, ready to begin writing a chapter on how to use your imagination, and today of all days, these scribbles reappeared a er a decade of being ‘lost.’ How could I ignore this synchronicity?

So I share these words with you from my spiritual mentor back in the 18th century: “The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a Green thing that stands in the way. Some see Nature all Ridicule and Deformity... and some scarce see Nature at all. But to the eyes of the Man of Imagination, Nature is Imagination itself.”

The power within The greatest gi you were ever given was the gi of your imagination. Within your magical inner realm is the capacity to have all of your wishes fulfilled. Here in your imagination lies the greatest power you will ever know. It is your domain for creating the life that you desire, and the best part of it is that you are the monarch with all of the inherent powers to rule your world as you desire.

The essence of this great gi is found within another observation made by William Blake, the intuitive poet who lived at the time of the American Revolution. Writing in The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, he made this wry comment that is the great secret for living a life of creative manifestation: “What is now proved was once only imagin’d.” Allow yourself to contemplate this. As this one line of great wisdom sinks into your consciousness, your imagination will then begin to take over.

Look around you. Everything that you can experience with your senses was once in someone’s imagination. This is the great truth that you must come to realise for yourself. In order for something to get into this Complete Wellbeing

world where things exist and are proved, as Blake says, they must first be placed firmly into your imagination. Without your imagination as the reason for future creations, the process of creativity is halted. You have this great power within you. It is a power that is virtually unlimited, and it has been given to you as your birthright.

Form comes from the formless

Wayne W. Dyer is the author of more than 30 books. His talks and the story of his own growth from an orphan to a doctor have helped millions change their lives for the better. His website: drwaynedyer.com

Before pu ing this gi to work, it is crucial for you to know that virtually all spiritual teachings have spoken of the power that Blake comments on in that insightful sentence, “What is now proved was once only imagin’d.” In the year that I spent researching and living the Tao for my book Change Your Thoughts—Change Your Life, this truth jumped out at me in the lines of the 40th verse of the Tao Te Ching. “Being is born of nonbeing” was Lao-Tzu’s observation 2,500 years ago. The visible world of being originates in nonbeing. Some 500 years later Jesus would tell his followers, “It is the Spirit who gives life” [John 6:63]. I could go on through all of the great spiritual traditions and offer you quote upon quote that states that it is in the invisible formless realm that the originating spark of life begins.

Today, the world of quantum physics confirms that the universe is made of formless [spirit] energy, and that particles [that is, things] do not originate from particles [things]. Everything springs from something that is akin to your imagination. You can’t touch, taste, see, hear or smell it. It has no boundaries. You can’t prove it with mathematical formulas or scientific verification. Yet we all know that it exists. These invisible thoughts that you have—these ideas that continue to percolate within you, these fanciful images that are always with you—are beyond the scope of science to prove or disprove.

Channel your imagination I love this observation made by Max Planck, the father of quantum theory: “Science cannot solve the ultimate mystery of nature. And that is because, in the last analysis, we ourselves are part of nature and, therefore, part of the mystery that we are trying to solve.” You simply know that you have an imagination, and that this imagination is the Source of all being. It is up to you to channel and use this magnificent endowment to work in the creation of all that you choose to place in that imagination.

Excerpted with permission from the book Wishes Fulfilled by Dr. Wayne Dyer; published by Hay House

To subscribe to Complete Wellbeing, send ‘CW SUB’ to 07738387787

VOL VIII ISSUE 10 AUGUST 2014 13

Trending this month

THE MASTER KEY TO

YOUR FREEDOM

Long-held resentment becomes a burden that hurts us physically and emotionally. But then forgiveness doesn’t come easily. And even if we decide to forgive, we have no clue how to go about it. Colleen Haggerty offers some insights from her own struggle to forgive

14 AUGUST 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 10

Complete Wellbeing

Forgiveness is not about overlooking someone else’s mistakes, it is about leĴing go of your own judgement about them - Anonymous

Complete Wellbeing

VOL VIII ISSUE 10 AUGUST 2014 15

THERE IS A LOT of talk these days about self-care.

One of the best ways I’ve ever taken care of myself wasn’t by receiving a massage, geĴing a pedicure or buying myself flowers. No, the best way I’ve taken care of myself was by forgiving the man who took my leg from me.

Most of us have a story about how we were wronged, cheated, abused, hurt, deceived, or betrayed. There are as many stories out there as there are relationships. The exact details of how my accident happened don’t maĴer. What maĴers is that I was hit by a car when I was 17 years old. My leĞ leg was immediately amputated and my right leg, though severely injured, was saved. And what matters is that I held on to my biĴer, angry feelings toward Harvey, the man who hit me, for 15 years and that the accumulation of these harboured feelings ended up limiting my life—emotionally, physically and spiritually. What maĴers is that once I forgave Harvey, I felt unburdened, empowered, and free.

When I have conversations with people about my forgiveness journey, I encounter both awe and resistance. Many people ask me how I did it and in their question I hear a yearning. Not always to forgive a past wrong doing, but to at least release their

own pent-up resentments. I’d like to share some comments I oĞen receive from people who want to forgive, but don’t know how. These comments are all familiar to me—I’ve said them to myself many times over the years. Here is how I turned these comments into questions and how I answered them for myself.

“What he did to me was so horrible, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness.”

During the 15 years aĞer the accident, whenever I thought of Harvey, forgiveness was the furthest thing from my mind. Instead, I thought about hurting him. Or I felt sorry for him because he had to live with himself aĞer what he did to me. He was reckless and stupid and uncaring. In all those years, he never contacted me to apologise.

Whenever I was restricted from participating in activities with my friends because of the limitations imposed by my leg, or whenever my prosthetic leg caused me pain, I silently cursed Harvey. Internally, I felt like the biggest victim on the planet. I felt like I was owed something—what, I didn’t know; by

Not forgiving means living in a self-created prison of resentment, bitterness and anger

16 AUGUST 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 10

Complete Wellbeing

whom, I didn’t know. I knew my limitations were more than just physical and for so many years I felt trapped in a tangled web of resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge. A part of me wanted to free myself from this snare.

A er 13 years of trying to stuff the sadness, anger, and bi er feelings I held toward Harvey, they morphed into something else: fear. My life was ruled by fear; I became afraid to drive because I was sure I would get in another accident. Every time I was on the freeway, I imagined that car—or that car—or that car—merging into my lane and hi ing me. I imagined my car exploding in flames or flipped upside down or skidding into the guardrail.

I saw myself trapped in my car or bleeding from all over my body or trying to escape. I had no control over what the other drivers would do or what would happen to me. It didn’t ma er how careful I was, I could still get hurt again. Sometimes I would sob uncontrollably as I drove. I didn’t know what post-traumatic stress disorder was at the time, but it was overtaking my life.

It was shortly a er this that I decided to go to therapy.

Si ing in my therapist’s office was like being in a cocoon of comfort. During one of my first visits, I was explaining to her how the accident happened.

I had learned to talk about ‘this moment of my life’ with practised authority. I spoke with li le emotion, since I became master at hiding my feelings.

As I was explaining why it took so long for the ambulance to arrive on the scene of the accident, a siren started wailing outside my therapist’s window.

My voice cracked, but I continued my narrative. My therapist gently asked me to stop talking. “Listen to that siren, Colleen,” she said, as the siren howled louder. “How does that make you feel?”

Ever since the accident, the sound of an ambulance sent my heart racing, which made

I KNEW MY LIMITATIONS WERE MORE THAN JUST PHYSICAL AND FOR SO MANY YEARS I FELT TRAPPED IN A TANGLED WEB OF RESENTMENT, ANGER, AND THE DESIRE FOR REVENGE Complete Wellbeing

“Sitting there with my therapist in that warm room, I allowed myself to give in to the anguish.”

me feel foolish and weak, not strong like I had convinced myself I needed to be. Si ing there with my therapist in that warm room, I allowed myself to give in to the anguish. I couldn’t respond to her, I could only sob.

This is when I knew I needed help. This is when I knew I wasn’t living into the fullness of my potential. So the real question I had to ask myself was: Who would benefit if I released these feelings and forgave? Harvey may not have deserved my forgiveness, but I certainly deserved a chance at a happier future.

“I’m waiting for forgiveness to happen.”

I a ended a forgiveness workshop which included a short ritual. The facilitator asked us to write down a transgression that we wanted to forgive. I took a VOL VIII ISSUE 10 AUGUST 2014 17

To continue reading subscribe to Complete Wellbeing

To subscribe on Zinio » http://bit.ly/cwdigital To subscribe on Magzter » http://bitly.com/cwmagzter Want to subscribe to the print edition instead?

Visit http://store.completewellbeing.com OR

Send ‘CW SUB’ » 07738387787 * Print edition available only within India

Subscription plans starting from `999

Why subscribe Complete Wellbeing is an award-winning magazine that helps you live to your highest potential across all dimensions. It recognises and respects your myriad facets along with your deep desire to be the best you can in all the roles you play—spouse, parent, friend, professional, colleague, boss, neighbour, citizen…

Loaded with insights on a diverse array of issues that matter to you; all presented in a friendly, strain-free and compelling manner.

Featuring some of the most inspiring people of our time—Richard Bach, Thich Nhat Hanh, Wayne Dyer, John Gray, Andrew Mellen, Margie Warrell, Deborah Tannen, Charles Tart, Anita Moorjani, Terry Paulson, Robert Kiyosaki— Complete Wellbeing helps you to achieve greater clarity of thought and action so that you live your most magnificent life.

Make Complete Wellbeing a partner in your journey of life. /CompleteWellbeing

/StayWell