“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together” — Woodrow T. Wilson
ISSN 2277 – 5153 VOL VIII ISSUE 04 FEBRUARY 2014 ` 100
The foundation of every happy relationship p20
Editor’s insights
A blessing called friendship
Manoj Khatri manoj.khatri@completewellbeing.com
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The one ingredient essential for the longevity of all relationships, including romantic love, is friendship 02 FEBRUARY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 04
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hether it is between spouses, parent/child, co-workers, friends, siblings, boss/employee, every relationship involves two imperfect human beings trying to make sense of their lives. Their conflicts arise due to, more than anything else, the inability of one—or both—to accept the other as just he or she is. Yet, if there’s one relationship in which this quality of acceptance is found in abundance, it is friendship. Somehow, we are able to forgive friends more easily; we judge them a lot less harshly; we disagree with them without becoming disagreeable. Lapsed time too seems to have no effect on true friendships—we start off where we le off as if we never parted. No wonder we are most comfortable being ourselves in the midst of our friends. True friendships are characterised by qualities such as tolerance, understanding and mutual respect. The late Alan Loy McGinnis considered friendship as the springboard to every other love. In his bestselling book The Friendship Factor, he wrote, “Friendships spill over onto the other important relationships of life. People with no friends usually have diminished capacity for sustaining any kind of love. They tend to go through a succession of marriages, be estranged from various family members, and have trouble getting along at work. On the other hand, those who learn how to love their friends tend to make long and fulfilling marriages, get along well with the people at work, and enjoy their children.” As humans, we can’t help being in relationships. To love, to share, and to trust one another is intrinsic to us. It is also true that some of the most difficult challenges in our lives come in the form of relationships. It follows then that unless we master the art of happy relationships, we can never feel fulfilled. This is the month when love is celebrated. And the one ingredient essential for the longevity of all relationships, including romantic love, is friendship. So, this month’s issue is dedicated to friendship. Vagdevi Meunier, a clinical psychologist, explains how we can develop the qualities of friendship that enrich all our relationships. As you will realise when you read this month’s cover story, subtle changes can bring about huge improvements to the way we relate. All we need is a little effort in the beginning. The rest will be done by a blessing called friendship.
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SUMMARY OF CONTENTS TRENDING THIS MONTH >>
Friendship—the key to every relationship By Vagdevi Meunier Psy.D.
PRINTED AT | Rajhans Enterprises PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY | Manoj Khatri, on behalf of Complete Wellbeing Publishing Pvt Ltd., at Rajhans Enterprises, No. 134, 4th Main Road, Industrial Town, Rajajinagar, Bangalore - 560044, and published from Complete Wellbeing Publishing Pvt. Ltd., 502, A wing, Sagar Tech Plaza, Saki Naka Junction, Andheri-Kurla Road, Mumbai 400072. Tel/Fax: 022-6742 0900 Editor: Manoj Khatri © Complete Wellbeing Publishing Pvt Ltd., All rights reserved. Reproduction, in part or in whole, in print, electronic or any other form, is strictly prohibited. DISCLAIMER | Complete Wellbeing is dedicated to providing useful, well-researched information on holistic health/wellbeing, but its contents are not intended to provide medical advice/diagnosis for individual problems or circumstances, or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Readers are advised to always consult their physician/healthcare professional/therapist, prior to starting any new remedy, therapy or treatment, or practice, or with any questions they may have regarding a medical/health condition. The views expressed by writers are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor, publisher, or Complete Wellbeing. Using masculine pronouns ‘he’, ‘him’ or ‘his’ for subjects of unknown gender is considered prejudicial. We respect both genders and hence use feminine and masculine pronouns interchangeably. Complete Wellbeing is not responsible for advertising claims.
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20 In the spotlight
34 Aamir Khan on movies,
happiness and much more
By Shama Bhagat
DECIDE >>
RESOLVE >>
44 The best foods for dinner
52 Do you suffer from rage?
Food & nutrition
By Akshay Chopra
Self-help
56 Stop wishing you had a better body By Ginger Burr
Mind & emotions
By Samuel “Gentoku” McCree
Relationships
80 Make peace with death By Prasad Rangnekar
VOL VIII ISSUE 04 FEBRUARY 2014 03
DISCOVER >> Food & nutrition
50 Sprouts: why you should be eating them
By Kajal Thosani 62
EXPLORE >> Self-help
54 A love letter to yourself
Leisure
76 Gardening therapy and its benefits
62 How a mother changed her beliefs
By Angela Lam Turpin
Travel
70 Four must-see heritage sites in Singapore
By Somali Roy
MANAGE >> Common ailments
18 Dealing with urinary trouble By Chandra Prakash Shetty
Sleep
40 Don’t miss out on sleep when traveling
By Lea Tran
By Deborah Shouse
Perspective
40
UNLEARN >>
By Rich Silver
Career & workplace
88 Promote yourself, but in the right way
Marriage & intimacy
By Sara Canaday
60 Myths about divorce By Jane Greer
Parenting
66 Is there such a thing as healthy competition?
By Shruthi Rao
TRANSFORM >>
REGULARS >>
Consiousness
08 10 13 14 68 75 92 94 96 98
84 Living like a cloud By Osho
86 What a voice in the garden revealed
By J P Vaswani
INDULGE >> Food & nutrition
46 Sweet nothings for Valentine’s Day
By Samina Patel
CW Talkback Events Write Notes Happy happenings CW Select Month Freshener Look who’s talking Confession booth New kits on the block Reflections
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hen I am invited to make small choices so I can enjoy big changes in my life, I accept—especially if it comes like an answer to a prayer. Burning the midnight oil has become a habit with me and though I am conscious about healthy habits, I was obviously losing my grip. I recently turned 50, and I knew I must worry. I wished for a strong nudge to motivate me to revert to a healthy lifestyle. Eat Move Sleep offers exactly that and delivers on its promise with practical ideas to improve your odds of a longer, healthier and more fulfilling life. Bestselling author Tom Rath, who has a reputation for inspiring millions over the last decade with his words, presents the reader with a whole new lifestyle option. Who can say “No” to making simple changes when the reward is natural health? The Eat, Move, Sleep Equation is easy to solve and interpret. You start your day with a healthy breakfast to increase your odds of being active. This helps you eat well. When you eat the right foods and stay active, you sleep soundly. If you don’t sleep well, you crave unhealthy food and can’t be active. This adds up to making your day go downhill. Tom Rath shows how you can ace all three elements in a number
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sabella Tree presents a key in the form of this book, that will open the secrets of Nepal’s Living Goddesses—young girls who are
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Small changes, big impact Eat Move Sleep By Tom Rath
With hectic lifestyles being the order of the day, every individual has to make wise choices and good decisions to ensure a long and healthy life. That we all need to eat healthy, be active and get enough sleep is no secret. We all understand that health is wealth. Eat Move Sleep shows us the impact of eating, moving and sleeping on our life and offers specific action points to help us make small adjustments to our daily routine. This book can change how you think, feel, and act every day, regardless of your age and help you make better choices. Eat, move and sleep well today to have more energy tomorrow, better relationships, be more productive at work and in your community.
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of ways. By tackling them together, rather than only addressing one at a time, you increase your chances of success. There are 30 chapters in the book. Each chapter has three research-based findings and concludes with three ideas that you can apply in your life. If you challenge yourself to use even one idea per day for a month [30 days] you can be well on your way to making good decisions for yourself.
regarded as Devis and worshipped by Hindu monarchs. With knowledge garnered through years of research and travel, Tree explores some of the closely guarded legends of this concealed world.
My Way: Success Mantras From 12 Achievers Edited by Derek O’Brien • Published by: Rupa Publications • ISBN: 9788129130884 • Pages: 160 • Price: `195
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t is believed that the path to success needs to be followed with a strict set
My takeaways from this book >> Forget fad diets, unfriend inactivity forever and sleep longer to get more done >> Feast at sunrise, fast at sunset >> Smaller plates, smaller waistline >> Make sleep a family value >> Ditch the sleep medication and sleep better >> Exercise alone is not enough. Working out three times a week is not enough. Being active throughout the day is what keeps you healthy.
By Vidya Sury
of rules and regulations. But here are testimonials from 12 of India’s top achievers who narrate how they overcame the odds to surmount the summit of glory. With an armoury boasting the ranks of A.P.J Abdul Kalam, Azim Premji, Donald Trump, M.S Dhoni, Narayan Murthy and others, this is a prized collection that is sure to send your confidence and motivation skyrocketing.
VOL VIII ISSUE 04 FEBRUARY 2014 05
Manage
sleep
Snooze on the go Sleep always takes a hit when you are travelling. Here are some tips on how to get some rest on the move
By Rich Silver WHETHER YOU’RE PLANNING to travel by plane, train, or road, there are three factors to consider for sleeping well in your new place and on the journey:
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IF IT’S NOT MEALTIME AT YOUR DESTINATION, SKIP THE AIRLINE MEAL SO YOU STAY IN SYNC WITH THE TIME ZONE YOU’RE HEADING TO
1 Prepare before you leave
Being well-rested before any trip is the best preparation you can make. Here are some sleep hygiene habits you should try to follow at least two days prior to your departure. Relax. Get in the habit of winding down an hour before bed. Rushing around before you hit the mattress o en means a mind that rushes around while you’re in bed. Take a warm bath to melt away the tension of your day. Stay away from checking e-mail or watching high-tension programmes on the TV just before going to bed. Avoid alcohol in the evening. Alcohol is a major sleep disruptor. It can help you fall asleep, but when it wears off in three or four hours, you’ll pop awake. Then getting back to sleep can be difficult. Cut out caffeine several hours before you intend to sleep. Caffeine stays in the system for a long time, making it difficult to fall asleep. Many medications also contain caffeine. Taking these medications earlier in the day may help you sleep better at night. Check with your doctor about this if you have trouble falling asleep. Having chocolate in the evening may also keep you up. Say no to nicotine. Smoking acts as a stimulant, so if you are a smoker, reduce the quantity few days before you are scheduled to travel. 08 FEBRUARY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 04
Snack. Having a small snack an hour or two before bed is a good idea. It keeps hunger from waking you up. Tart cherries are one of the best foods for sleep because they contain melatonin. Oatmeal, cereal, bananas, walnuts, peanut butter, and tofu are also good. If dairy products and eggs are part of your diet, eat them. They contain tryptophan, which helps with falling asleep. Avoid big meals before bed. It may be tempting to indulge in greasy, high-fat foods at dinner. However, you’ll pay a heavy price with indigestion. These foods also disrupt sleep cycles. If you’re excited about trying the local cuisine when you travel, consider making lunch your biggest meal of the day. Turn off your cell phone. Or at least keep it on silent mode to make certain it doesn’t ring and wake you up. Also, light from mobile devices can disrupt sleep. So if you insist on keeping the device on in your bedroom, lower the brightness setting. And keep the phone a couple of feet away from your eyes. Will you be flying? Jet lag is a sleep disorder that disrupts your biological clock. It can cause insomnia, stomach upset, exhaustion, bad temper and foggy thinking. How you reduce the effects of jet lag depends on how long you’ll be travelling, how many time zones you’ll be crossing, and which direction you’re going. If you’re only going to be gone two days, don’t bother trying to readjust your time schedule. Eat and sleep at the same times as you do at home. But if it’s a long trip, across many time zones and for several days, adjust your bedtime before your trip. If you’re flying east, go to bed one to two hours sooner than you normally would, two or three days before your trip. If you’re heading west, practise goComplete Wellbeing
ing to bed one to two hours later than normal. You can also use light to relieve jet lag and help you sleep better. If you are flying east, and crossing fewer than eight time zones, get out into bright sunlight in the morning. If going west, seek exposure to sunlight in the evening. If you’re travelling east over eight time zones or more, avoid morning sunlight until a few days have passed. If you’re flying west, you should avoid light in the evening hours for a few days. You can avoid being exposed to bright light by wearing sunglasses, even indoors. And if you don’t have access to sunlight, consider carrying a small blue light box with you as you travel. Special advice for people with sleep apnoea If you have obstructive sleep apnoea, and use a CPAP [continuous positive airway pressure] machine to help you sleep, there are important precautions you should take before flying. First, call the airline and find out their policies on using CPAP during the flight. Different airlines have different policies and a lot of what you need to know may not be found on airlines’ websites. Some allow battery-operated machines. Few allow you to plug into the aircra power supply. And some airlines only allow a certain type of CPAP machine.
2 Adapt as you travel
I’ve always liked trains. However, they’re cramped, they sway and they rattle. To sleep well on a train, you have to adapt to the conditions. The best advice is to always carry ear plugs and a sleep or eye mask with you. An inflatable pillow comes in handy too. If you suffer from motion sickness, it’s tough to sleep when you’re dizzy or nauseous. So talk to your doctor before you leave to see if taking a medication is a good choice Complete Wellbeing
for you. Some people succeed in calming their motion sickness using natural remedies such as ginger tea or ginger supplements. When flying, it’s important to adapt to the new area you will soon be in. For example, sleeping during a flight journey helps if it’s night time at your destination. If it’s not mealtime at your destination, skip the airline meal so you stay in sync with the time zone you’re heading to. The point is to sleep well in your new surroundings, adapt your life right now to what is happening at your destination.
Rich Silver researches and writes about sleep on his website at www. sleeppassport.com. He has a background in nutrition and enjoys hatha yoga.
3 Settle into your new place
If you’re going to be staying in a hotel, here are some strategies for good sleep: >> Keep the temperature in your hotel room at between 18 and 22 degrees Celsius. This is the ideal temperature for sleep. >> Call your hotel ahead of time. Make sure you don’t get stuck with a room near the elevators, vending and ice machines, above an exercise area, or near the front desk. >> Studies show exercise significantly improves sleep quality. Bring your exercise clothing and shoes and get in a 30-minute workout at the hotel’s gym. Or simply go for a brisk walk every day. Keep in mind that no matter where you stay when you travel, a dark room is essential for a good night’s sleep.
A note about melatonin Melatonin is a hormone released by the pineal gland in response to darkness. In supplement form, it helps some people fall asleep quicker and sleep better. And studies have shown it to be effective for jet lag in doses of between 0.5 to 5 mg. Ask your doctor about how you can use it as a supplement. To subscribe to Complete Wellbeing, send ‘CW SUB’ to 07738387787
VOL VIII ISSUE 04 FEBRUARY 2014 09
Unlearn
marriage & intimacy
Breaking up? Beware of these four myths that stump most people who go through a separation
By Jane Greer
WHETHER SEPARATING, divorcing or breaking up, you are all moving towards the same thing: ending a relationship. No ma er who initiated it, there are a lot of expectations that come along with that, and many myths about how life will be on the other side. Here are four misconceptions that many people are surprised by when they realise things aren’t how they expected them to be.
Myth number one: Once you are divorced, you will get along with your partner. Many people expect that their ex will suddenly understand them or respond to them the way they always wanted them to. That is far from true. The fact is that you got divorced because you couldn’t get along and make it work in the first place. Ending your marriage or your relationship won’t change that. The reality is that the anger that led to your divorce can get more intense during the process, making your interactions even more heated. In fact, taking the steps towards ending your union can turn into a continuation of sharing exactly the same feelings you did in your marriage, but you are now a ached to different and o en more difficult issues. Try to keep in mind that your relationship status has changed but the person you were with in that relationship hasn’t. They will continue to act in the way they always did. Now that you are out of the relationship, try to do the opposite of what I would tell you if you were still in one: move from the 10 FEBRUARY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 04
‘we’ to the ‘me.’ Of course, your goal is not to become your ex’s enemy, but now that you have pulled away from each other, you have to begin to accept that and stop wishing you can change the relationship for the be er. Remember that it is no longer necessary for your ex to understand or agree with your needs or your way of thinking. And it is no longer reasonable that you want your ex to give you the emotional support he or she once did. To get through your divorce and move to higher ground really means le ing go of the hope that you and your partner will finally be able to relate to each other in a positive and thoughtful way. If you couldn’t do that when you were married, there is no reason to think you will be able to do that now.
Myth number two: Once you’ve made the decision to end things it will truly be over. The fact is that breaking up is a long road full of ups and downs and second guesses. O entimes, it means le ing go of the vision of your life that you once had with your spouse and, if you have children, as a family unit. That is very hard to do; so people o en remain in contact, even keeping up some of the old habits like turning to an ex for support when they have a leaky roof or need help with a sick kid. Try to fight against that urge and instead put new support systems in place separate from your ex so you have someone else to go to right away if you need help. Complete Wellbeing
What I always say is that divorce often ends legally well before it ends emotionally. So when we start a life together, and believe that the connection will last forever, sometimes we aren’t that far off. Unfortunately, in this case, it can end up holding you back from moving forward. In order to stop that from happening, try to define your world the way it is now, single and separate. That takes time, work and effort. To really be able to do that you have to work to tie up loose ends and eventually let go. Divorce is all about giving up your past as you have known it in order to create a new future. Adding to how daunting that can be is the fact that you are now doing it alone.
Myth number three: Now that you are divorced you will no longer be sexually attracted to each other. In fact, sometimes people are quite surprised that right after a break-up becomes official, the sexual attraction they used to have not only does not go away but becomes rekindled. They might even find themselves being sexually intimate with each other. The likelihood of this is greater if the separation happened suddenly—either through a discovered infidelity or betrayal. In that case the sexual energy can become dormant because of the anger between you. Once things are clearly over and settled, that sexual energy, which was never extinguished but had just been buried, can come to the surface and reignite.
Myth number four: That your ex’s new partner is getting the better deal, walking away with your ex a er you’ve done all the hard work to make him or her a better person. This is a common fallacy—the idea that your Complete Wellbeing
former partner is now thriving and doing well in the new union. While that might be how it looks, the truth is you ended your relationship with that person for a reason. You had irreconcilable differences and had to deal with behaviour that made it impossible for you to stay together. Just because you are no longer with that person does not mean he or she doesn’t still have that problematic behaviour. The only difference most of the time is that someone else is dealing with it. It is likely that those issues that came up when you were together still rise to the surface and continue to cause conflict in the next relationship. Unless your ex has done some real soul searching and changed his or her ways, those things don’t easily go away. Their new connection might look perfect, but if you had a chance to really see inside you would discover that it is not any better than what you shared together. Knowing this can help you feel relief and be glad that you are no longer dealing with it all. There are no hard and fast rules about ending a relationship, each one is different. No wonder there are so many myths intertwined with the process. If you are able to recognise these four expectations as myths, and know before you are faced with them that the process of breaking up will most likely not be smooth sailing, your journey just might be easier. To subscribe to Complete Wellbeing, send ‘CW SUB’ to 07738387787
Jane Greer is a marriage and family therapist, author, blogger, and radio host. Her latest book What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, is available online. Connect with her at www.drjanegreer.com. VOL VIII ISSUE 04 FEBRUARY 2014 11
Explore
perspective
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Am I a good mother? Angela Lam Turpin recounts how she went from being a clumsy, self-doubting mother to a confident mom
I’M NOT A GOOD MOTHER. It was a recurring thought—as persistent as the rain pounding on the roof of our tiny apartment during the worst winter storm the Russian River in California had experienced in years. The thought surfaced at every tiny task I tried to accomplish: as I struggled to Velcro the tabs on the vinyl cover of the cloth diaper, when my baby cried and I could not comfort him, when my breasts were too swollen to release the milk my baby tried to suckle, and while I paced the narrow hallway rubbing my baby’s back trying to get him to burp so he could finally fall asleep. Complete Wellbeing
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BEFORE MY SON WAS BORN, I WAS A CONFIDENT WOMAN. BUT THIS BABY, WITH HIS URGENT NEED TO BE FED, CLOTHED, AND LOVED, CAST ME INTO A GULLEY OF SELF-DOUBT My husband did not struggle with parenting as I did. He knew instinctively how to change a diaper, how to comfort the tiny person who had been thrust so mercilessly into a foreign world, how to massage my breasts to get the milk to flow, and how to ease a gas bubble from the pit of the baby’s stomach to escape from his mouth so the relief of sleep could finally overcome him. The natural joy my husband experienced as a father le me feeling inadequate and alone.
I was a clumsy mother fumbling for a way to fit into my son’s life Before my son was born, everything had come easily to me. I earned good grades. I was the first to be promoted. With each success, I gained confidence until I felt invincible. But this baby—with its urgent need to be fed, clothed, and loved—derailed my confidence and cast me into a gulley of selfdoubt. I constantly waffled between what I should or should not do, unable to remain firm with any course of action. Practice didn’t make me feel any more comfortable. I still compared myself to my husband. Why couldn’t I handle the task of parenting with the same poise? The more I doubted my ability to parent, the larger my insecurity grew. My son seemed to sense my unease. He responded with more cries, more discomfort, more pleas for the father who knew exactly what to do and when to do it.
The turning point in my life By the time my son was 15 months old, he was diagnosed with multiple disabilities. My son’s neurologist said, “Don’t blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done differently to prevent any of this. He was born this way. Our job is to find a way to help him develop to his full potential, whatever that potential is.” For some reason, the compassionate conversation with my son’s neurologist sparked 14 FEBRUARY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 04
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Angela Lam Turpin is an author, artist, and athlete in sunny California. She believes health and wellness are the foundation for success. Join her journey at www.angelalamturpin.com
a tiny voice in my mind that whispered, “You can do this. You are the best mother for him. You can help him be whoever he is meant to become. Just trust yourself.” That positive thought was the first step in overcoming self-doubt and gaining confidence. Confidence is our greatest personal resource, according to Marci G. Fox, PhD. In her book, Think Confident, Be Confident, Fox writes that we can face any situation knowing we can handle it if we have confidence. Everyone suffers from self-doubt at one time or another. The key to overcoming it and gaining confidence is as simple as changing your self-talk, believing you are capable, and finding the courage to risk trial and error in your journey to develop the skills you need to become successful. “When you become aware of a negative thought, stop it,” personal coach Lynda Noppe said. “Then reframe it to a more positive reflection.” My recurrent thought, I’m not a good mother, became, I’m the best mother to help my son. But self-talk is not enough to overcome self-doubt. You need to take action. “Inaction leads to frustration. Frustration leads to anger. Anger prevents you from achieving your potential,” according to Noppe. “If you continue your efforts and do not stop, you will notice a change in the way you feel about yourself.” My first action was to educate myself about my son’s disabilities. Although I couldn’t fly across the country to attend oneon-one sessions with developmental specialists, I could read about their lesson plans in their books and practise them with my son in our living room. That’s how I taught my son how to take his first step when the orthopedic paediatrician said my son’s leg muscles were too weak to ever learn how to walk. I celebrated the success by taking pictures of my son’s first steps and phoning my husband at work. If you have uncertainty, you might dismiss your accomplishments. To Complete Wellbeing
develop self-assurance, you need to stop and give yourself a pat on the back.
There is always learning in every failure With each tiny victory, my self-doubt shrunk and my confidence grew. I started to trust myself as the expert instead of looking outside for validation and direction. That doesn’t mean everything I tried worked. It means I learned from everything I tried. When a therapist suggested I thrust my son’s hands into a bucket full of sand to lessen his tactical sensitivity, my son responded by tantruming. I grabbed him tightly and suddenly he calmed down. That one failed attempt unwittingly became another victory, for although my son didn’t respond to the sand box therapy, he did respond to my extra-tight hug. I got rid of the touch-and-see books full of different textures and replaced them with deep tissue massage to deactivate my son’s sensitivity.
That magical space called Intuition Eventually, I learned to trust in my experience and my feelings. When a specialist made a suggestion, I no longer agreed if it didn’t feel right. By stepping away from doubt, I had learned to trust my intuition, that magical space where we know what is right without having to logically explain it to anyone. When we trust our intuition, we act on hunches that take us farther than we ever believed was possible. Trusting my intuition led to the courage to ask for the therapies and treatments I felt would work best for my son even when the experts disagreed with me. My son is grown now. He still wears diapers and speaks less than 50 words, but he loves music, going to church, and being tickled. Each day we experience something new on our adventure together. I am a good mother. To subscribe to Complete Wellbeing, send ‘CW SUB’ to 07738387787
VOL VIII ISSUE 04 FEBRUARY 2014 15
Trending this month Let your best be for your friend. In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of liĴle things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. —Kahlil Gibran
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A relationship that has the qualities of friendship strongly established will withstand conflict and strife more effectively. It will reduce stress and tension in the dyad as well as within each individual, and create the conditions for humour, play, respect, and closeness. Let Vagdevi Meunier guide you on how to develop these qualities
The
friendship factor A HUSBAND AND WIFE are fighting. She calls him an idiot; he calls her stupid. An observer might call this the marital war zone. What makes this metaphor appropriate in this situation is that the two parties fighting are acting like adversaries or enemies, each trying to defeat and crush the opponent. When the argument ends, neither one feels closer to the other. In fact, the argument is more likely to end with an act of defiance—like one of them leaving the house—an act that signals abandonment and rejection rather than respect and consideration. What makes two lovers and soulmates so toxic to each other? We leave this scene and go inside another home where a father is trying to discipline his teenage daughter. His voice is raised, his eyes are fiery, and he is shaking a finger in her direction in a threatening manner. The daughter is si ing on the couch with a sullen, defiant look on her face. If you stopped the father and asked him what he feels towards his daughter, he would tell you he loves her and only wants the best for her. But a casual observer would not see love or care in his behaviour. They might notice instead that the father is trying to assert his authority over his daughter [and failing] and trying to put fear in her heart so she will not repeat whatever mistake she has just made. The atmosphere is tense, angry, and clearly unfriendly. Rajiv and Ranjit are senior programmers at an IT company. Similar in build, hairstyle, and appearance, they are often mistaken for brothers at company meetings. But the Complete Wellbeing
vibe between them is far from friendly. They frequently argue fiercely for their ideas and try to gain the upper hand during team meetings. They share a team manager who has often tried to get them to sit down and smooth out their tension but all her efforts have been in vain. Their nickname in the office is The Two R’s, which some whisper behind their back, stands for the Rebel and the Rowdy. The team manager is desperate for a solution because both these young men are highly intelligent and are assets to her team. What could she do to turn this around? The same dynamic is being played out in board rooms and living rooms, between co-workers or friends, between sisters and brothers, boss and employee, as we saw between the parent-child dyad or the spousal system, where conflict overtakes the goodwill in the relationship. During such tense arguments, the emotional hallmark of the conflict is the sense that one is fighting an enemy or opponent, and that trust, care, and respect have left the scene. According to world-renowned relationship researcher and author, Dr. John Go man, there is a secret ingredient VOL VIII ISSUE 04 FEBRUARY 2014 17
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Why subscribe Complete Wellbeing is an award-winning magazine that helps you live to your highest potential across all dimensions. It recognises and respects your myriad facets along with your deep desire to be the best you can in all the roles you play—spouse, parent, friend, professional, colleague, boss, neighbour, citizen… Loaded with insights on a diverse array of issues that matter to you; all presented in a friendly, strain-free and compelling manner. Featuring some of the most inspiring people of our time—Richard Bach, Thich Nhat Hanh, Wayne Dyer, John Gray, Andrew Mellen, Margie Warrell, Deborah Tannen, Charles Tart, Anita Moorjani, Terry Paulson, Robert Kiyosaki— Complete Wellbeing helps you to achieve greater clarity of thought and action so that you live your most magnificent life. Make Complete Wellbeing a partner in your journey of life. /CompleteWellbeing
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