“With self-discipline most anything is possible” — Theodore Roosevelt
ISSN 2277 – 5153 VOL VIII ISSUE 03 JANUARY 2014 ` 100
Embrace the self-discipline approach that never fails p28
Editor’s insights
No more broken promises
Manoj Khatri manoj.khatri@completewellbeing.com
infinitemanoj ManojKhatri
Assuming that our goals aren’t unrealistic or vague, there’s only one reason that keeps anyone from persisting in their resolve— failing at selfdiscipline 02 JANUARY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 03
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merican Basketball player Wilt Chamberlain, who claimed that he slept with 20,000 different women in his life, once made a New Year’s resolution to stop fooling around so much. Upon hearing this, Jay Leno quipped, “He wants to find the right two or three hundred women and se le down!” I don’t know whether Wilt Chamberlain kept his word but I do know that not many people do. According to one study by an American University, only eight per cent of the people who make resolutions stick to them. In fact, 25 per cent give up even before a week has passed. What’s more, our propensity to achieve resolutions weakens as we grow older. Those in their 20s are three times more likely to achieve their resolution compared to those in their 50s. What makes resolutions so difficult to keep, despite their enormous popularity? Assuming that our goals aren’t unrealistic or vague, there’s only one reason that keeps anyone from persisting in their resolve—failing at self-discipline. But not anymore. This New Year, we bring to you a radical approach to self-discipline—an approach that actually works. And it’s nothing like you can imagine. In this month’s cover story, authors and Zen practitioners Cheri Huber and Ashwini Narayanan turn the traditional concept of self-discipline on its head. Pointing to the problems of the old idea of self-discipline, they tell us why it is designed to fail from the beginning. The authors then introduce us to what they call Compassionate Self-Discipline—a counter-intuitive technique that is gentle and non-judgemental. Their way helps us to transcend the real reasons that keep us stuck, and puts us on a path of self-mastery. What do you want to achieve in 2014? Do you want to eat right? Exercise regularly? Sleep on time? Get organised, save more money, spend more time with family, start writing that book, finish that painting, visit Kilimanjaro…? Whatever it is, you can be assured that once you’ve mastered yourself, you will be able to keep every resolution. Because, promises are meant to be kept. Happy New Year!
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TRENDING THIS MONTH >>
A new paradigm in self-discipline 28
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86 Making a smooth comeback
62 Tips for expectant and new
Career & workplace
after a sabbatical
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VOL VIII ISSUE 03 JANUARY 2014 03
58
INDULGE >> Food & nutrition
51 Experiments with brown rice By Padhu
MANAGE >> Health & vitality
58 How to avoid common running injuries
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EXPLORE >>
UNLEARN >> Health & vitality
54 How harmful chemicals sneak into your food and water
By Akshay Chopra
Marriage & intimacy
70 Are you to be blamed for your partner withdrawing into a shell? By Jamie Turndorf
Chef
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76 There’s always a silver lining By Michael and Sheryl Bergdahl
Complementary therapies
74 What’s so special about guided visualisation
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40 Ways to show your mom you
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UNWIND >> Spa therapies
80 Taruveda spa in Jaipur
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Parenting
42 Does you teenager need a friend or a parent?
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46 The cup that gets you up: Tea By CompWell
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82 Tiger spotting in Tadoba
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TRANSFORM >> Consciousness
92 With faith nothing is impossible By J P Vaswani
REGULARS >>
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CW Talkback Events Happy happenings Write Notes CW Select Month Freshener Look who’s talking Confession booth New kits on the block Reflections
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Happy happenings
Why did this acclaimed musician go in search of gypsy children?
G
oran Bregovic is Bosnia’s most famous musician. But this 63-yearold former rocker is now testing new waters, as he goes in search of gypsy children who are musically talented. Bregovic, whose international music has been inspired from Balkan and Gypsy melodies, believes that these gypsy kids, or Roma as they are called, are immensely talented in music. But, due to their poor economic conditions and marginalised status in society, they are unable to harness their art. It is for this purpose that Bregovic established his foundation Gorica, named after the biggest gypsy se lement in Sarajevo. Gorica will arrange scholarships for kids who desire to pursue their education in music, but cannot afford it. His noble gesture has thrilled the inmates of Gorica as they broke into celebration when Bregovic came visiting. “No public figure has ever done something like this for us. We are so grateful”, said one of the se lers.
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A cup of tea brings the world closer
S
purred by a genuine interest in people, Guisepi Spadafora came up with the idea of serving free tea to strangers, just so he could have pleasant conversations and know people be er. Staying in and serving from a bus that he has named ‘Edna Lu’, Guisepi considers his method as his way of service, and the best way to bring people together. A traveller, he roams over North and North-West United States in his ‘tea-bus’ serving cups of joy and warmth. His idea sprang from his previous job in a film production company. He lived in a pick-up truck at that time and used to cook dinner at the back of his truck. He would be joined by people from all walks of life—from TV producers to prostitutes and those living in the gu er. He enjoyed having conversations and in order to prolong them, started serving tea. Guisepi has served 21,621 cups of free tea till now. Free things are enjoyed by many, but when they are served with love, they become magical. Catch more of Guisepi on his website FreeTeaParty.org. VOL VIII ISSUE 03 JANUARY 2014 05
Discover parenting
Should I be friends with my teenagers? Barbara Greenberg answers this oĞ-asked question by parents of teens
06 JANUARY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 03
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Barbara Greenberg is a teen, adolescent, child and family psychologist. She is the co-author of Teenage As A Second Language: A Parent’s Guide To Becoming Bilingual, as well as 10 e-books on parenting teens: drbarbaragreenberg.com
IN MY ROLE AS a clinical psychologist and a speaker, I have spoken to hundreds of parents and teens and there is one question that comes up repeatedly from parents all over the world. That question is “Should I be friends with my teenagers?” Parents are confused about this issue because while they feel they will get closer to their teenage kids if they act like friends, they are also concerned they will lose their authority as parents.
Friends can’t be authority figures I understand parents’ apprehensions. I am also aware that most parents simply want the best for their teens. I must tell you now where I stand on this ma er. Parents should NOT be friends with their teens. Teens tell me regularly that they want their parents to be parents and their friends to be friends. Teens are o en embarrassed when parents dress and act like teenagers. They need their parents to be authority figures in their lives and to set limits and rules, which cannot be done by someone who behaves as a friend. It is understandable that parents want to be close to their teens and have their teens open up to them. But a parent does not need to be a friend for this to happen. I have heard of more than one parent who has got drunk with their teenage child in an a empt to create a friendship and grow close. This is unacceptable because the child will get all the wrong messages from the parent. There are even instances of divorced mothers who ask their daughters for dating advice. This puts the teens in an awkward position and results in role reversal. Teens are not mature enough to advise their parents; nor should they be put in this role prematurely. Another thing I repeatedly hear about is parents confiding in their teens about their partner. This too puts the teens in a difficult and untenable position. Parents should discuss adult issues with their own friends; not their kids. Teens do best with parents who are both authority figures and nurturing. They need structure and love. Teens do not do well with excessively permissive or authoritarian parents. They thrive with loving parents who are not afraid to set boundaries and say no to ensure their teens’ safety. And parents must be comfortable tolerating their teens’ anger because this is a volatile age with raging Complete Wellbeing
emotions; but I can assure you that they will recover from it fairly quickly.
GeĴing teens to open up So, if being friends with your teens is not the way to get close to them you are probably wondering how to get them to talk to you. For this, I am going to share the following secrets: 1.
Teens respond best to non-direct requests for information. Instead of asking “How was the party?’ try asking “how was the drive?” This is more oblique and should eventually get them talking about what you really want to know. Teens like to control the rate and pace of information that they give you.
2.
Try your best to remain calm while your teen is speaking to you. If you overreact, they will think that you can’t handle things, and I promise that they will stop talking to you.
3.
Don’t interrupt teens when they are talking to you. Teens complain to me all the time that their parents cut them short. Your goal is to listen and get the information, right?
4.
Be available to your teen. Teens grumble about their parents not being accessible; while parents tell me that they are always there for their kids. The problem is that parents are distracted by their cell phones and other technology, so the teens perceive that the parents are not really present in the moment. Provide opportunities when you can focus exclusively on your teens. Consider taking a walk or a drive with your teens, which will provide ample ways to unwind, both for you and them.
5.
Try to not talk negatively about your teens’ friends. When you talk about their friends, they feel that you are talking about them.
6.
And finally, do your best to be non-judgemental. To subscribe to Complete Wellbeing, send ‘CW SUB’ to 07738387787
VOL VIII ISSUE 03 JANUARY 2014 07
Explore
perspective
I cook to show you I love you
08 JANUARY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 03
Complete Wellbeing
Swatantra Sarjano is a former professional photographer who made India his home more than 35 years ago. He became a sannyasin and lived at Osho Ashram in Pune. He now lives in Goa where he runs an authentic Italian restaurant ‘My Place’ and is the author of Food Is Home.
When I returned home a few months later, I couldn’t wait to show my mom all that I’d learned in the countryside. So one day, while she went out for some errand, I prepared some homemade fe uccine topped with a ‘ragout sauce’ [tomatoes and minced meat] and when she returned, I served her my masterpiece. My mother simply couldn’t believe it— she was ecstatic, because she had never eaten something like this before. She kissed me over and over again asking how it was possible that I could cook so well! That day I learned how easy it is to make somebody happy just by cooking some food for them and that become my gospel: “I cook today because I don’t know a be er way to tell you how much I love you!”
Osho once said in discourse: “Those who have eaten the food cooked by Sarjano have tasted enlightenment in his spaghe i!” Swatantra Sarjano shares what cooking means to him
MY LOVE FOR COOKING is very ancient. Who knows, perhaps I was born with it! I was brought up by my mother. As a child, I saw my mother working at the sewing machine practically all day, except for a couple of short breaks, when she prepared some food for both of us. Her food was basic—simple and quick. But it was very tasty—because, even if she only cooked for half an hour, she would put a lot of love into it and I always ate two portions every time! When I was seven, she got the brilliant idea of sending me on vacation. She thought I should get some fresh air that summer, so she took me to a village. The folks had a simple life, without the facilities of urban life—not even electricity or running water. But their food was delicious. I loved the place right away. They would prepare a fire early in the morning and keep it alive all day, using it to cook their meals for the day. They made homemade pasta, sometimes lasagna or gnocchi or other authentic local delicacies. I loved their food so much that I wanted to learn how to make it, so I spent that summer learning how to cook—fe uccine, cannelloni, ravioli and more. Complete Wellbeing
The cooking kid From that day on, I cooked whenever I had a chance—for the birthday party, a special celebration, any occasion, and soon I earned the reputation of ‘the cooking kid’. This reputation followed me even to Pune, where I moved to in 1978, enchanted by Osho’s vision. One day, Ma Deeksha, the huge Italian mama who was in charge of the ashram kitchen, called me to her office and told me that she had heard stories about my passion for cooking from almost every Italian present in the Osho commune. She said she was wondering if I would like to cook for my fellow travellers. “Wait a minute,” I said, “I’ve only arrived a couple of weeks ago, and I’m enjoying all the meditations in Buddha VOL VIII ISSUE 03 JANUARY 2014 09
Cooking is not a secondary activity, something you do with one hand [while the other holds a cigarette], nor something you do with one eye [while the other is watching television] — Sarjano
‘how good, how fabulous, how delicious’. I hid behind a tree and cried, because everyone seemed delighted with my dish! And that’s how I started to cook every day!
The greatest secret of cooking Hall… I have no time right now! Come back to me in a month or so, and then we can talk about it.” But she was adamant. She said, “You don’t have to cook every day, just come one day and make one of your special dishes for everybody. Please!” How could I have said no to such an invitation? So I agreed. I started thinking immediately about what could be my first meal for the ashram.
500 portions of joy I had an Italian friend in those days. I knew he, had visited Sicily, where he had spent a week learning the art of making mozzarella. So I went to this guy and asked him if he could make 50 kilos of mozzarella for the next day! “50 kilos!” he said, “and what do you want to do with all this mozzarella?” “I want to make 500 portions of ‘eggplant parmesan’.” “Okay, you will have your mozzarella for tomorrow at noon!” The next morning I woke up early, went to the kitchen, and told them that I need 50 kilos of red tomatoes and 50 kilos of eggplants, plus a box full of fresh basil. By 5 pm, when the canteen opened, there were 500 portions of my creation on display. After all the hard work, I felt tired and decided to go straight back home for a nice shower. There were two ways to leave the kitchen: one from the back, which bypassed the eating area, and another through the front. I took the second way, a little curious to see how people had received my creation. What I saw was just unbelievable—it gives me goose bumps even today, after 35 years! People where feeding each other, with ecstatic faces and whispering words like 10 JANUARY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 03
My culinary tricks are simple. In fact, they are so obvious that most people overlook them completely. For example: Did you wash your hands before starting to cook? You will be surprised to know that millions of people start cooking without first washing their hands. In the East they say, ‘cleanliness is next to godliness’. When we cook, we are preparing something that will go inside the body of our guests. Washing our hands before starting to cook is, to me, the first sign of respect and love. The food we prepare, touching it with our hands and our feelings, goes inside the bodies of our loved ones. It follows then that we should be aware that we are involved in a very delicate, subtle, yet powerfully alchemic process. Cooking is not a secondary activity, something you do with one hand [while the other holds a cigarette], nor something you do with one eye [while the other is watching television]. Cooking has to be recognised for what it is: a noble, loving, caring activity, which affects our physical, psychological and emotional health. Once you become aware of this, your attitude is bound to change. You realise how deeply you can heal [or poison] someone with your daily cooking. Once you see how you contribute to the wellbeing of the people you are feeding, and accept that existence is all about nourishing the ones you love, you will be overwhelmed with gratitude for such a beautiful responsibility, which is no less than a blessing. Once you realise the splendour of cooking, you will wish that you could nourish everyone better, for this will become your greatest joy in life, and you will not wish to spend a day without cooking for them. The greatest secret about the alchemic art of cooking is this: it’s love that is cooking.
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Pin rt wo hy
“The first and best victory is to conquer yourself.” — Plato
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Do you hear me?!
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If this is one of the frequent rants you find yourself yelling at your partner, chances are that it might not be exactly their fault. Here are some methods you can employ to make them more receptive to you
By Jamie Turndorf
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VOL VIII ISSUE 03 JANUARY 2014 13
Jamie Turndorf is a relationship therapist, emotional communication expert, media therapist and advice columnist read by millions. She is the author of the critically acclaimed book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First: A Step-by-Step Guide For Resolving Relationship Conflict.
IMAGINE YOU’RE GOING toe-to-toe with your mate, when suddenly he turns stone deaf. Since he’s not listening to your point, you raise the volume, hoping that will kick in his hearing. As you get louder, he gets deafer and more defensive. Now you’re really livid, so you crank your emotional thermostat to the max and blast him with even more heat. Now you’re shouting to the back of his head. Millions of women worldwide are painfully aware of the way men distance themselves whenever conflict erupts. The technical name for this conflict pattern is the demand/withdraw negative escalation cycle—or Husband Withdrawal for short. According to statistics, it’s the number one cause of relationship and marital conflict and divorce as well as domestic violence.
What causes Husband Withdrawal? Men’s bodies experience a biochemical imbalance that causes them to flee when danger strikes. This hyper-reactivity is biologically hard wired—its origins dating to prehistoric times when men were hunters and survival depended upon their ability to quickly flee dangerous prey. The angry wife [or girlfriend] is the modern day version of dangerous prey! When a woman bares her fangs and berates her guy with verbal attacks, his biochemistry thinks he’s facing a ferocious tiger. This sparks autonomic nervous system arousal, which triggers the fight-flight response. Not wanting to physically fight their partners, most men flee instead. Fleeing behaviours fall into three categories. The most obvious form of fleeing is physical withdrawal in which a man avoids contact with his partner, stays away from home, or spends countless hours at his work.
According to statistics, husband withdrawal is the number one cause of marital conflict and domestic violence The second way is to mentally check out. In this case, the man is physically present but mentally gone. He will appear deaf, dumb and blind, as he practically drools on his tie and exhibits what I call a no hablo ingles expression. The third type is verbal fleeing in which a man justifies, makes excuses and defends himself in order to verbally escape responsibility.
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Not knowing that his behaviour is caused by biological programming, a woman thinks he doesn’t care enough to stick around and resolve the issue. Her hurt morphs into anger, which only triggers more biological fire alarms and more fleeing. This is how the cycle of out-ofcontrol fighting is born.
How can you break the cycle? While heated fighting triggers the chemical imbalance that causes men to flee, cooling the relationship climate literally shuts off the response. When the climate is cool, Husband Withdrawal magically disappears. Here are three primary ways to bring about Relationship Climate Control: The first is to identify and eliminate what I call Fight Traps—faulty fighting tactics that heat the climate and cause more withdrawal and more fighting. Fight Traps fall into two categories: Open Warfare and Secret Warfare. Open Warfare are those direct forms of acted out anger such as Name Calling, Character Assassination, Guilt Tripping, I Told You So, and Paybacks, to name but a few of the many traps that I outline in my new book. Secret Warfare Fight Traps are indirect expressions of anger, which heat the climate all the same. These include I Forgot, Recruiting Allies and Silent Treatment, among others. The sad fact is most people act out when they are angry, using words and actions that are designed to hurt the other. While getting one’s rocks off may feel good in the moment, on the rocks is where your relationship will end up if you don’t ditch your Fight Traps. The second way to cool the climate is to Train Your Brain to fight for you, not against you. What do I mean by this? Distressed couples fall into what I call the Echo Process—a negative cognitive distortion that causes them to unconsciously hear their parents talking when their partners speak. Relationship trouble inevitably erupts when we negatively distort what we see and hear. Here’s an example: Every Tuesday night a wife prepares chicken for dinner. One particular Tuesday, her husband says, “Is tonight chicken night again already?”[meaning: how fast time flies]. Without realising it, she heard her parent criticising her cooking. So, she snapped at him and said, “If you don’t like my chicken, you can cook for yourself.” And the fight was on!
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The final way to cool the climate is to identify and heal what I call the Old Scars from childhood. Old Scars heat the relationship climate and fuel our fights in two ways: Old scars make us overreact to minor events in the present: Through a process that I call the Emotional Lake Effect, the unconscious mind constantly links present-day slights with Old Scars we suffered as kids. Think about an actual lake-effect blizzard that gathers moisture and energy as it moves across large expanses of warmer lake water and dumps mounds of snow on the lake’s leeward shores. Similarly, as the mind dips into the reservoir of your unconscious, it dredges up memories of similar hurts that you suffered as a kid, causing a torrent of pain over similar past offences to surface. This explains why fireworks are going off inside you even though the current event doesn’t seem to warrant such an explosive reaction. Because your associations are happening on an unconscious level, your ‘feeling memories’ are disembodied from the original traumatic events. As a result, it’s easy to mistakenly assume that the monsoon of emotions you’re experiencing is the result of whatever your partner just said or did. The next thing you know, you’re aiming your broadsides at your partner and dumping old emotional baggage onto him or her without realising it. This heats the environment to a sizzle. Take the following example: Bob repeatedly checks his office messages when he is out with Mary. Mary becomes increasingly agitated by this behaviour and finally blows up at him. Why is she so furious over a seemingly innocuous action? Because, Bob triggered memories of her mother, who never had time for her. So, when a trivial incident occurs in the present, it surges that already overloaded circuit in her brain, and she blows. Such associations usually occur without any conscious awareness. You can’t shake the feeling In addition to causing a disproportionate reaction, Old Scars also make it hard for us to let go of our feelings. Because our associations aren’t happening consciously, we experience an emotional memory that’s ‘disembodied’ from the earlier traumatic event. Not knowing this makes it impossible to address the real issue and resolve it. Hence, we remain stuck with
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intense feelings that we can’t shake. Obviously, this heats the climate and creates more fighting. To complicate matters, when you aren’t aware of what the core issue is, you end up fighting about the overt issue that started the
To achieve a Happy Ending, discuss your Old Scars with your partner, and the emotional support you needed then and now ball rolling—the lack of foreplay, his being glued to the TV, the garbage sitting in a heap on the kitchen floor. The overt fight content acts like a smoke screen that conceals the real issue: the Old Scar that lurks beneath. Until the real emotional issue is identified, you never achieve resolution, fights go unresolved and the climate just gets hotter and hotter.
How stripping can solve your conflicts Believe it or not, stripping is the way to resolve fights caused by our Old Scars. No, I’m not talking about getting naked! I’m talking about a technique that I’ve created called Stripping Away the Overt Fight Content to uncover the Old Scar that lurks beneath. To do this, you Draw a Fight Map in which you remove the content from the equation [the who did what to whom] and instead chart the emotional course of the fight: identify what you feel now; when you felt this way as a kid; and what was going on when you felt this way as a kid [who was doing what to you?] Last but not least, identify your Happy Ending—that is what you wanted and needed from your parent that you never received. To achieve your Happy Ending this time around, discuss your Old Scars with your partner, explaining the kind of emotional treatment you needed then and now. Through this process, you and your mate become healing agents to each other—which is the ultimate and most divine purpose of our intimate unions. A side benefit of healing your mutual Old Scars is the fact that the relationship climate cools down. For more relationship help, buy her latest book Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr Love’s 10 Simple Steps To Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Connection published by HayHouse To subscribe to Complete Wellbeing, send ‘CW SUB’ to 07738387787
VOL VIII ISSUE 03 JANUARY 2014 15
Trending this month
Finally,
the self-discipline approach that never fails!
Self-discipline can help us align our thoughts actions with our values and priorities, so that we can live a life we have envisioned. But contrary to the widely held idea, self-discipline is not about being harsh, critical or self-reprimanding. It is about being gentle and affectionate to yourself—like that loving mentor who has only your best interests in mind.
16 JANUARY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 03
By Cheri Huber and Ashwini Narayanan
Complete Wellbeing
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VOL VIII ISSUE 03 JANUARY 2014 17
WHEN WE STOP TO consider it, there are no two less likely pairings than ‘compassion’ and ‘self-discipline’. Together, they border on being oxymoronic. Compassion evokes kindness, empathy, appreciation and caring, while self-discipline evokes the opposite: rigidity, harshness, disdain, and judgement. For many, self-discipline would be a rather dreary and uninspiring topic, but if we reframe self-discipline as self-mastery, the tone and focus changes. Suddenly, we are in the lo y world of Rumi, Lao Tzu, the Bhagavad Gita and Buddha! Here is what they have to say on the subject. Be victorious over yourself and not over others. When you aĴain victory over yourself, not even the gods can turn it into defeat. ~ Buddha Those who have conquered themselves... live in peace, alike in cold and heat, pleasure and pain, praise and blame... To such people a clod of dirt, a stone, and gold are the same... Because they are impartial, they rise to great heights ~ The Bhagavad Gita Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power ~ Lao Tzu Let’s ask God to help us in self-control, for one who lacks it lacks His grace. ~ Rumi The quest for self-discipline is actually a quest for mastery. We seek to transcend what keeps us from fulfilling our heart’s desire. It is a journey of love, a return to a joyful and authentic state of being, an orientation towards living that stems from a long-forgotten kindness, compassion and
Compassion evokes kindness, empathy, appreciation and caring, while self-discipline evokes the opposite 18 JANUARY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 03
ease. It is the cultivation of a lifelong practice of presence. As Dancer and choreographer extraordinaire Martha Graham once said, “Whether it means to learn to dance by practising dancing or to learn to live by practising living, the principles are the same. One becomes, in some area, an athlete of God.” When we consider discipline in the light of mastery, we are approaching it through the lens of its roots in knowledge, teaching, learning, practice, and training as opposed to its conventional meaning of self-control through criticism and punishment. Let us examine the beliefs we hold around the conventional meaning of discipline. This will assist us in moving to a different paradigm of discipline, one that is based on self-mastery through compassion.
Conventional Self-discipline The dictionary defines self-discipline as training ourselves to obey rules or a code of behaviour, using punishment to correct disobedience. We could say there are several assumptions hidden behind this definition. 1. ‘Right’ and ‘wrong’ are fixed standards against which an offence is being committed. 2. There is something wrong with the thinking or behaviour of the person that needs to be fixed. 3. Inflicting punishment, pain or suffering is the way to correct the person. Le unchecked, they will continue to be ‘bad’. 4. Worse, without the imposition and enforcement of a code of conduct, deviation from which needs to be punished, no one can be trusted to do the right thing. It is no wonder that self-discipline is not more popular. It is one of those things we all aspire to, wish we had, admire when we see it in someone else, and feel we should cultivate but are singularly unenthusiastic about committing to. Let’s look next at the outcome of the old model of selfdiscipline, which involves imposing a code of conduct, monitoring for compliance, and penalising for non-compliance. Does it actually produce the behaviour change we are going for? What does it really accomplish?
The problem with conventional self-discipline Rhea can’t remember a time when she has not struggled with weight. She recalls clearly an incident from her childhood when an aunt remarked how chubby she had become and laughingly recommended that she should stop eating sweets. Her mother subsequently put her on a diet. She remembers sitting disconsolately at the dinner table, watching her brother gorge on sweets, while she ate her rice
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Conventional self-discipline is rooted in the erroneous belief that ‘I am the problem’.
and vegetables. She remembers her mother yelling at her when she discovered Rhea sneaking sweets on the sly. She remembers her father’s disappointed face, her grandmother rolling her eyes, her sisters pained expression. “Do you want to be fat? We are trying to help you. Don’t you have any self-control? What’s wrong with you? You are so undisciplined!” Rhea is 34 now and a veteran of several weight loss programmes and still carries on that struggle. “I lack selfdiscipline,” she confesses. “If only I could make myself exercise every day, if only I could trust myself to ignore the siren call of a greasy samosa! But I can’t. No will power! No matter how hard I try, I can never keep my commitment. I am so weak, I hate myself sometimes. I feel like such a loser. There’s just something seriously wrong with me!” We can all relate to Rhea’s experience. Perhaps the subject is not weight loss but a desire to sleep more, spend more time with family, play fewer video games, meditate daily, stop drinking coffee, eat on time etc. But the common denominator, when we are trying to change a behaviour, is
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that it always seems to come back to “I just can’t do it. I lack discipline. I feel bad. There is something wrong with me.” We can see, therefore, that the conventional model of self-discipline serves to reinforce the belief that who I am is the problem and needs to be fixed—usually through punishment. It does not produce the outcome we were going for, be it weight loss, decreased caffeine consumption, a better night’s sleep, or anything else we want for ourselves. Said another way, the identity [something wrong with me] reinforces the model [you need to be punished because there is something wrong with you] and the model [you deserve to be punished] reinforces the identity [there is something wrong with you]. In this closed system, there is no room to actually change behaviour.
VOL VIII ISSUE 03 JANUARY 2014 19
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