July 2014 - Become a person of influence | Develop the art of drawing out the best in people

“Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another.” — George Eliot

ISSN 2277 – 5153 VOL VIII ISSUE 09 JULY 2014 ` 100

Become a person of

influence

Develop the art of drawing out the best in people p46

Editor’s insights

Persuade, don’t manipulate

G Manoj Khatri manoj.khatri@completewellbeing.com

infinitemanoj ManojKhatri

Wherever there are people, the need for persuasion becomes imminent, sooner or later 02 JULY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 09

reek storyteller Aesop said, “Persuasion is often more effectual than force.” More than 25 centuries later, his observation is as valid. The people who usually influence us are not those who use their power of authority or brute force but those who inspire us with their ideas. Such people derive their power from our trust in them, which they earn from their character and intentions. Somehow, they connect with us deeply—we believe them, we trust their ideas, and open ourselves up to them. We are willing to follow them and embrace their approach and perspectives because they feel like our own ideas.

Take the example of Mahatma Gandhi, who stirred the hearts of millions of Indians to join his non-cooperation movement against the British rule without the use of any power or force. Imagine for a moment the period in which Gandhi lived—there was no electronic media, no internet, not even landline phones to connect people. But the effect that Gandhi had, cut across caste, religion and social status, making him one of the most influential leaders of the 20th century.

Ken Blanchard, best-selling author of The One Minute Manager, says, “The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority.” Gandhi didn’t have any official authority. His approach was to lead by example, persist with his convictions, and be willing to take the risks that came with it. His ideas were inspiring because they were simple.

Gandhi persuaded people by appealing to their higher vision. But the art of persuasion is not just the prerogative of great leaders. It comes in handy in our everyday life too—at workplaces, in businesses, in relationships and in society.

Wherever there are people, the need for persuasion becomes imminent, sooner or later.

But persuasion is not to be confused with manipulation, which too is employed by many people to get others on their side. Manipulation implies convincing someone for your own benefit; it is not concerned with the interests of the other.

Authentic persuasion, on the other hand, is undertaken only with one objective—to help the other.

Internationally respected author and speaker John Maxwell brings out this distinction emphatically as he outlines the seven principles of effective persuasion in our cover story. “Effective persuasion is a result of relating, not ruling. It speaks to the heart as well as to the head. Therefore, persuasion does not make use of force or intimidation,” he writes. Using the story of Zuke Berman, the famous trial lawyer from New York, the author helps us understand the delicate art of persuasion, which mainly involves stepping into the shoes of another.

Filled with anecdotes, this month’s cover story will persuade you to adopt the noble approach offered by Maxwell in your own attempts of persuasion. So go ahead, expand your influence, and make a positive difference to the world.

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EDITOR & PUBLISHER | Manoj Khatri EDITORIAL ADVISOR | Dr Grazilia Khatri SR COPY EDITOR & FEATURES WRITER | Wynrica Gonsalves ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR | Amit Amdekar SR GRAPHIC DESIGNER | Mukesh Patel EDITORIAL OFFICE 502, A wing, Sagar Tech Plaza, Saki Naka Junction, Andheri-Kurla Road, Mumbai 400072.

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Tel/Fax: 022-6742 0900 Editor: Manoj Khatri © Complete Wellbeing Publishing Pvt Ltd., All rights reserved. Reproduction, in part or in whole, in print, electronic or any other form, is strictly prohibited.

DISCLAIMER | Complete Wellbeing is dedicated to providing useful, well-researched information on holistic health/wellbeing, but its contents are not intended to provide medical advice/diagnosis for individual problems or circumstances, or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Readers are advised to always consult their physician/healthcare professional/therapist, prior to starting any new remedy, therapy or treatment, or practice, or with any questions they may have regarding a medical/health condition.

The views expressed by writers are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor, publisher, or Complete Wellbeing.

Using masculine pronouns ‘he’, ‘him’ or ‘his’ for subjects of unknown gender is considered prejudicial. We respect both genders and hence use feminine and masculine pronouns interchangeably.

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TRENDING THIS MONTH >>

Why you need to learn the art of persuasion

By John Maxwell

MANAGE >>

Personal care 72 How to care for your skin in the monsoon

By Rashmi Shetty

Sleep 76 What if you overslept for days?

By Himanshu Soni

Common ailments 78 Know if it is Alzheimer’s or just forgetfulness

By Patti See and Rahul Chakor

46

UNLEARN >>

Money matters 82 Key money myths: Shattered

By Manoj Arora

INDULGE >>

Food & nutrition 86 Delicious and easy egg recipes

By Radhika Subramanian

VOL VIII ISSUE 09 JULY 2014 03

DISCOVER >>

Self-help 58 You too can be a minimalist

SPECIAL FOCUS: WATER 22 Water is the soul of health 24

The risks of drinking impure water

28

Facts you need to know about H20

30

How safe is your drinking water

By Genevieve Parker Hill

Food & nutrition 89 Vegetarian meat options

By Shobha Shastry

RESOLVE >>

By Nitin Malekar

92

children and other family members

By Wynrica Gonsalves

Relationships 34 Identify and alienate yourself

REGULARS >>

from toxic relationships

By Sheela Preuitt

By Osho

By Suren Rao

Travel 68 Monsoon getaways in India

By Aditi Bose

Consciousness 42 Give to all without disparity

EXPLORE >>

Complementary therapies 44 Falun Dafa: a way of life

Parenting 32 Create ties between your

TRANSFORM >>

68

DECIDE >>

Marriage & intimacy 38 Can Buddhism help you deal with infidelity?

By Nancy O’Hara

Exercise 92 Don’t skip your warm-up

By Akshay Chopra

08 CW Talkback 10 Events 14 Write Notes

16 Happy happenings 37 Month Freshener 62 Confession booth 66 CW Select 96 New kits on the block 98 Reflections

62

04 JULY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 09

Complete Wellbeing

Events

» Elvis Week

» Monsoon Yoga immersion retreat The Monsoon Yoga Immersion retreat is conducted by Sonja Appel, a certified yoga trainer, in the heart of Parra, Goa, to rejuvenate the mind, body and soul. It is conducted during the monsoon, as it is a time of the year when nature is at its best. Views of the lush green surroundings and the rough sea will give you a magical experience. The seven-day retreat will ensure peace from within and you learn that yoga is more than just a physical activity.

Venue: Hotel Tara Verde, Goa When: 31st August – 7th September 2014

For all those who desire to pay homage to the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, the place to be is Memphis, Tennessee. An Elvis trivia treasure hunt, music nights featuring his backing bands and screenings of his movies like Viva Las Vegas are just some of the events that will take place at his mansion in Graceland.

There is an Elvis scrapbooking class and art contest as well. Trips to the hip-shaker’s birthplace in Tupelo, Mississippi are also organised during this week.

Venue: Elvis Presley Blvd, Memphis, Tennessee, USA When: From 10th – 16th August Contact: www.elvis.com

Price: ` 65000 Contact: www.sushumna.in

» A two-day workshop for counsellors Gaurai Uddanwadiker, head of Counselling India announces a two-day workshop for counsellors and newly trained psychologists. The workshop will cover a number of topics that are regularly used in therapeutic settings with children, adolescents as well as adults. This workshop aims at teaching you how to apply the tools of Behaviour Therapy and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, without going into excessive detail about their theory. This workshop will enable the participants to know how to use therapeutic strategies, thus leading to better therapy outcomes.

Venue: Ittina Wellness Center, Bangalore When: 30th – 31st July Price: ` 2500 Contact: contactcounselingindia@gmail.com / +919901988010 Complete Wellbeing is not associated with any events listed here and does not endorse them. This information is provided only on an as-is basis; interested readers may verify the information directly with the event organisers.

To have your event listed on this page, email us on listings@completewellbeing.com. Complete Wellbeing reserves the right to refuse publishing information about an event, without providing any reason whatsoever.

Complete Wellbeing

VOL VIII ISSUE 09 JULY 2014 05

Resolve

relationships

“We’ll be Friends forever, won’t we, Pooh?” asked Piglet.

“Even longer,” Pooh answered.

— A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh HUMAN BEINGS CRAVE a sense of community, we want to belong, we want to share our ideas and opinions even as we strive to establish our unique identities and thus friendship blossoms. Friendship lets us learn from each other, support each other, laugh and cry with each other. A sense of peaceful resonance fills us when we are with a kindred friend.

However, friendship is also fluid, ever-changing. It needs nurturing and care. Over time, what starts as a great friendship, built on common experiences and interests, might wilt and wither away. What brought us 06 JULY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 09

together loses the power to keep us together as we constantly grow and change.

How, then, can we identify when we have outgrown a friendship?

Lack of reciprocity Give-and-take is the keystone of any relationship, including friendship.

Is your friend unavailable for you, but you find that you have to make yourself available on demand? Have your exchanges become a venting session for your friend where you are smothered by all their negativity? Are you feeling drained by your friend’s

self-absorbed tirades? Do they give you no scope for comfortable silences without any obligations or expectations attached?

Insecurities and resentment Instead of rejoicing in your triumphs and championing your goals, your friend’s compliment tends to be backhanded. Their advice is dispensed from a holier-than-thou perspective.

There is a growing lack of empathy and mutual trust. You find yourself thinking twice about sharing your low moments for fear of ridicule, and you are careful not to share your happy moments for fear of jealous retorts. There is a constant tug-of-war in your mind about revealing anything personal as it makes you an open target for criticism.

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How to identify and withdraw gracefully from

T xifcrien

One-upping Anything you’ve done, your friend has done be er. You mention a recent book you’ve read, but she ra les off the best-sellers she’s read; that too hot-off-the-press! You describe a local show you’ve enjoyed; but she professes to be a culture-vulture with backstage passes to boot. There’s always a subtle tension of wanting to be one be er than you, even when you have no interest in such pe y comparisons.

What used to be a pleasant exchange of favourite things, has turned into an unsavoury wrestling match.

Back-biting We all love some friendly gossip.

However, your friend gossips about other friends and people you know in

Complete Wellbeing

By Sheela Preuitt

dships

such a malicious and slanderous way that it is distasteful to you. And it irks you because you realise that she could be talking this way about you to others when you are not around. All too o en, it seems like the line between a genial teasing and rip-apart censure gets blurred in these conversations.

Losing yourself You can’t seem to get a word in edgeways, and resign yourself to becoming a passive sounding board with this friend. You find it hard to keep your composure and be polite in your conversations. You are tired of your friend’s constant bickering over trivial things and their disproportionate reactions to minor misunderstandings.

In short, it stresses you to maintain this one-way friendship as it brings

out the worst in you.

So, you’ve noticed how exhausting and unproductive this association has become; you’ve identified factors that don’t seem conducive for a healthy relationship; you’ve weighed the pros and cons and decided that your life can be much more positive without this drain on your energy.

You feel you are ready to snap the cord. What now?

Ascertain the reasons First, make sure you are dissolving this friendship for the right reasons.

Occasional lapses should be forgiven, but a consistent pa ern of toxicity should not be overlooked. A ri is hard to mend unless the friendship is grounded deep.

Absentee friends or disappear-

VOL VIII ISSUE 09 JULY 2014 07

at-will friends are possibly in a genuinely troubling situation and are not ready to open up yet. Perhaps your friend needs this cocoon of isolation to recharge as they have to deal with something profoundly personal. Maybe it’s something that not even a close friend can peek into, and hence they have not been available for you.

Perhaps their acrimony comes from hurt feelings due to a miscommunication. People are sensitive to tones and inflections as much as the actual words; and potentially, your style of communication can use some improvement. Kinder phrasing, gentler manner and a jovial attitude

If you’ve answered yes to most of them you are geared up for taking charge of the situation. Now, how best can you go about it? If only it were as easy as clicking a button to ‘un-friend’.

Talk from the heart Set up a meeting to tell them what bothers you in as neutral a way as possible. Always, use “I…” sentences expressing your own feelings, rather than “You…” statements that are accusing and confrontational. Lace your talk with appropriate humour to keep it diplomatic.

If they value the friendship, they’ll make the necessary adjustments.

Perhaps they didn’t even know that

PERSONS THIS “WE ARE NOT THE SAME THOSE WE LOVE. YEAR AS LAST; NOR AREIF WE CONTINUE TO IT IS A HAPPY CHANCE ON.” LOVE A CHANGED PERS — W MAUGHAM

can possibly ease the tension even in a volatile situation.

Play your own devil’s advocate and explore your reasons to be absolutely sure that this friendship is not worth saving.

Take the logical step Consider communicating your concerns, along with a plan of action that will rectify the situation. Are you able to talk openly without putting the other on the defensive?

Are you willing to apologise, if needed, with no strings attached?

Can you discuss a tricky situation without finger-pointing? Can you curb the urge to assign blame? Can you approach delicate conversation without unease?

08 JULY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 09

Sheela Preuitt juggles the hats of writer, cuisinière, applications developer, childhood literacy advocate, and crazycraftswoman. She shares her culinary expeditions at www. delectable-victuals.blogspot.in/

they were affecting you this way.

If the clear-the-air talk is turning explosive, take some time to cool off and walk away.

And if they stomp off in a huff never to return, you are better off without the baggage anyway. If the friendship is important, then you’ll both find a way back to each other, willing to make the effort.

Set boundaries It is hard to break a friendship made in school/college/work or other similar social settings both of you are in. For one thing, you see them everyday. Plus, you might end up having to lose more than one friendship due to close associations and implicit loyalties.

Even if it is tempting, it seems quite impractical to change your phone number or move houses/jobs to avoid contact with this friend. Instead, set boundaries for yourself. Allow yourself to screen calls. Choose to distance yourself emotionally from a friend who has consistently let you down and failed to respect the twoway interchange.

Call them on it in a civil way, without nitpicking. A simple, “Sorry, I did not appreciate that. It makes me feel uncomfortable,” is all it takes to express your feelings truthfully, on the spot, minus the anger.

Forgive While it might take longer to forget the hurt, it is easier to forgive and move on. Holding grudges and letting ill-feelings fester is not only harmful, but futile. Chalk it down to a lesson learnt, a life experience that builds character. At least you are willing to release the toxic hold, which is the first step towards healing yourself.

“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” — Lewis B. Smedes Very few friendships survive the test of time. The ability to pick up a conversation where you left off months or years ago; trust and respect for each other’s interests and ideas; a safety net for emotional vulnerability; and the privilege of both listening and being listened to; that is a special bond that transcends the mundane and enters the sublime.

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MONTH FRESHENER Infuse life into your days 1

Doctor’s day Take a gift and surprise your doctor with a friendly visit.

WED

WED

2

Create a collage from old family pictures and send them to your relatives across the world.

FRI

Enjoy the monsoons, go mountain climbing in the rain.

4

FRI

11

Have a day out with your dog, take him for a drive!

SAT

13

Go moon watching on the terrace with your family.

14

7

TUE

8

Forgive and be forgiven, start afresh.

TUE

15

Spend time with someone who lives alone; you will cheer them up.

SAT

SAT

26 Teach your kids the lost art of stitching.

SUN

19

27

MON

Create a ‘Life’ list; write down all the things you want to do in life and a time-frame to accomplish them. Mark them off, one by one!

TUE

Try your hand at a new hobby or a skill like gardening, painting or cooking.

21

22

Strengthen your bond; take your partner out on a date.

Parents Day Create a home-made gift, it will make your parents feel special and loved.

Bake some cookies for your friends.

20

MON

MON Global forgiveness day

FRI

18

25

SUN

12

SUN

FRI

17

Ditch the plastic and say YES to paper bags for today.

THU

3

THU

9

TUE

29

Make a beautiful arrangement with the flowers from your garden.

WED

30

THU

31

MY NOTE

Document your thoughts and experiences by starting a daily journal. www.completewellbeing.com

TUE

July 2014

Decide

marriage & intimacy

What would the Buddha say about

infidelity?

Whether you’re a victim of infidelity or its perpetrator, dealing with the emotional upheaval that arises due to an extra-marital affair can be devastating. In such turbulent times, Buddha’s wisdom can come to your rescue.

By Nancy O’Hara

10 JULY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 09

SEXUAL MISCONDUCT CREATES suffering. Period. Whether we are the ones engaging in it or are the victims of it, everyone involved suffers. To understand just how corrosive and harmful this is to forming a true partnership and how it interferes with an intimate connection to another person, we only have to look at our own community and perhaps our own family and friends. Who doesn’t know someone who has been affected by the misuse and abuse of sex? 2,600 years ago, Buddha, a human being just like you and me, knew how destructive such behaviour could be. The good news is that he also prescribed a way out of our suffering and offered us a clear path to liberation from our suffering and from our own misbehaviours.

The first of the five hindrances that Buddha warned us about is lustful desires. In the Dhammapada, a concise collection of Buddha’s teachings, he said: “Lust and greed ruin the mind as weeds ruin fields.” This is an image that we can all relate to and have probably, at one time or another, experienced for ourselves.

So, if we have been a victim or a perpetrator of infidelity, how can Buddhism help us today in the 21st century to understand, cope, and Complete Wellbeing

deal with it? How can we move from ill-will, hatred or anger toward our self or our partner, to healing and forgiveness?

Being a victim of our partner’s infidelity Whatever we’re feeling about this transgression, chances are we are feeling some level of anger and jealousy. The first step is to find our way out of this murky depth of distraction, so that we can see clearly what there is to do. If we get stuck in blaming, shaming and keeping the focus on someone else’s faults, there is no way out for us.

WHATEVER WE’RE FEELING ABOUT THIS TRANSGRESSION, CHANCES ARE WE ARE FEELING SOME LEVEL OF ANGER AND JEALOUSY

Dealing with your emotions towards your partner Begin practising mindfulness by taking the focus off the other person and turning your attention to your self and your feelings. Find a quiet place to sit, with as few external distractions as possible. Then turn your attention to your body, your breath and your inner landscape.

Take note of what keeps coming up: “I hate him/her for doing this to me.”

“I’m a fool for believing in him/her.”

“I can’t believe he/she cheated on me with that person.”

How does your body feel? Where is the tension? Can you breathe into those places one by one and, every time you exhale, breathe out some relief?

Then start to remove the pronouns, the names and the specifics about this betrayal from your thoughts. How does it feel to admit hate or foolishness or worry? Then sit with just the feelings that are coming up; part the feelings from the individuals attached to them. Most likely there’s some anger in there. How about fear? Are these feelings new to you or have you felt them before? Can you try to accept that you are feeling these things and make an effort to not act on them? Can you accept that these feelings are inside you and the actions of your partner simply triggered them? Can you believe that you have the power to ignite these feelings or not?

Mindfully meditating Can you feel anger without being angry? Sit with this idea for a few moments, without feeding your emotions with a story. Notice what happens to the emotion if you just allow it to exist. You can practice this during the course of any day: first take note of your reaction to minor incidents, a pedestrian or co-worker being rude, traffic stalling when you’re in a hurry, a slow moving line or late train. What is the feeling that arises? Impatience, anger, fear, worry, frustration? What do you say? How do you act? Then after some time passes, notice how you feel: helpless, out of sorts, tense, ashamed?

Let’s go back to the initial feeling that got triggered when your needs were not met. If you can acknowledge that you had an expectation followed by disappointment followed by your particular set of feelings, then the real work of healing and self-empowerment can begin. Name the feeling, feel the feeling and don’t give in to your Complete Wellbeing

habitual way of coping. Don’t say or do anything, just sit with the feeling; breathe, notice and stay put. If you can begin to master these minor uncomfortable interactions, when it comes to the big ones like infidelity you’ll be ready. It doesn’t mean you won’t be hurt like crazy, but you will be able to deal with whatever life brings you, with equanimity and understanding.

What if you’re the one committing the infidelity?

As humans, we have a deep need to connect with others, to be intimate, to love and be loved. So when we meet the person with whom we want to spend our lives and we make a vow to be true to that person, we often tend to think “This is it! The end, we’re committed, it’s done!” And that is when the relationship can begin to break down. Think of this vow, this commitment to each other as a living, breathing thing that needs continual attention in order to survive. Too often we become lazy in relationships, both with ourselves and with others, so that one day we wake up and don’t even know the person sleeping next to us or the person we’ve changed into. “It’s his/her fault for making me stray from our marriage. If he/she paid more attention to me, spent more time doing what VOL VIII ISSUE 09 JULY 2014 11

Nancy O’Hara is a meditation coach and author of six spiritual nonfiction books and two Zen mystery novels. She and her husband, Michael Levine, founded Imperfect Partners: Making it Work. Find out more at www.nancyohara.com.

WE MUST FIRST BECOME AWARE OF OUR REACTIONS TO OUR PARTNER AND THEN LEARN TO COMMUNICATE, IN A LOVING AND RESPECTFUL WAY, WHAT IT IS WE FEEL AND NEED

I want, this wouldn’t have happened. I’m the one who initiates everything and I’m tired of it.” Other-awareness o en comes before selfawareness, which can help us to justify our bad behaviour.

Dealing with your emotions So, first and foremost it is important to pay attention to every moment, day, word, exchange and action we take with our loved one. We must first become aware of our reactions to our partner and then learn to communicate, in a loving and respectful way, what it is we feel and what it is we need. If you’re reading this and you have already moved into unfaithful behaviour, it is not too late to save your relationship.

You owe it to yourself and your partner to explore what happened and what can be done. But before you approach your partner, you will need to come clean with yourself about your actions. Investigate your history of relationships. Not just the one you’re in, but the ones that came before. Can you see a pattern? How open and honest were you? If you can’t be honest with yourself right now, you won’t be able to be honest with anyone. This is a rigorous spiritual work, but it can lead to a satisfying, long-lasting, love partnership.

Were you able to ask for what you needed and wanted from your partners? Or did you expect them to know? How did you give and 12 JULY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 09

receive love from others? Be careful as you go through this self-exploration, not to shame and blame. And find a trusted friend, advisor or therapist to work with. You do not have to go through it alone.

If your relationship history includes a pattern of jumping from one relationship to the next to find the perfect person, you are not alone. Many of us do it. But that hole in you that you are trying to fill can never be filled by anyone else. That is not the solution to your loneliness and desire to be loved. Deep inside you know this to be true.

Sexual misbehaviour can affect those outside the relationship too It is no coincidence that the third precept in Buddhism, a er “do not kill” and “do not steal”, is do not engage in sexual misconduct—do not misuse sex and give in to lust. It causes so much harm, so much suffering. Even spiritual communities and Zen Masters are not immune from this. My own sangha was blown apart as a result of the sexual transgressions of our teacher. His actions harmed every member in our community—not only the students that he took advantage of, but also the ones who defended him. But just as I can recover from his infidelity, so can he.

How to deal with extra-martial affairs the Zen way The first noble truth of Buddhism tells us that we all suffer. Some suffering, like birth, death and illness cannot be avoided. The second noble truth tells us that our craving to have things different than they actually are creates much of our suffering. The third noble truth tells us that if we see things as they are and let go of craving and clinging, we can reduce our suffering. And the fourth noble truth offers us a path to liberation from craving, toward a compassionate life, free from suffering.

Following these philosophies does not mean that you or your partner will never cheat on you or misuse sex. What it does mean is that you have the power to care for yourself and to become aware of your reactions to whatever life brings you, and not act out on your own impulses. If you become honest with yourself and become willing to open up a dialogue with your partner about how to proceed, then—and only then—is there the possibility of healing. If you can be honest with yourself, then you have a better chance of being honest with your partner, even if you are the one misusing sex.

If we want to have a truly intimate connection with our partner, we must first have such a connection with our self and understand that sex is not love, nor is it the only path to intimacy. Healing from any sexual transgression that we experience requires some detachment, a great deal of self-love and moment-by-moment attention to what it is to be truly human. And then compassion and forgiveness of ourselves and others will follow in time.

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Meet yourself

Have you ever felt that everything in this universe is perfect? Including you!

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Manage

common ailments

A daughter discovers that her mom has Alzheimer’s

Me, mom and memory

Patti See with her mom, on her last birthday, when she turned 82

By PaĴi See

MY MOTHER IS ANGRY about her diagnosis. More than anything it’s that she’s caught something my father has not. “Don’t come into my MRI appointment with me,” she sneers in my dad’s direction. “They may figure out that you have it too.”

My father has never been a patient man.

He ignores her and heads towards the garage.

“I may outlive all of you,” she says as he closes the back door. She flips through a pamphlet on dementia from her doctor. She says to me, “Sometimes it’s better for old people not to know all this stuff.” She recently

14 JULY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 09

turned 73. After a year of mom’s absent mindedness, my dad made an appointment for her with their family doctor.

Now I look over her shoulder at the description of ’cognitive decline’. She pronounces the words slowly: cog-NITE-ive. I read moderate dementia, a label I suspect may anger her the most. Like saying ‘half pregnant’—you know what’s coming.

After a week on Alzheimer’s medication, her disposition seems to improve. “Dad even cuddled me,” she tells me one day. “And I get two kisses: morning and night.”

One day I show up at my parents’ house when they’re in the middle of an argument.

I take a spot at the dining room table. Lately my mom is angry at my dad much of the time. “You shut up,” she yells at him. “You don’t know.”

When we were kids none of us was allowed to say “shut up.” I’m still shocked every time I hear it come out of my mother’s mouth. Until recently, I’d never heard her yell.

My dad clears his throat the way he does before he cries.

She says to me, “People keep saying I have something, but I don’t. What is it called again?” Part of me wants to burst out laughing: the Alzheimer’s patient can’t remember the name of her disease. “Mom,” I say gently.

“You have Alzheimer’s.” It’s the first time I’ve used that word with her.

“No, I don’t,” she says. “My doctor said I have memory loss. Not Alzheimer’s. Dad forgets things too, you know.” How happy she’d be if he was also afflicted, and she wasn’t alone.

“He does forget some things, but you’re the one on Alzheimer’s medication.” I’m Complete Wellbeing

Dealing with Dementia

By Rahul Chakor What is dementia and Alzheimer’s disease?

Dementia is a group of diseases of the brain where there is loss of various mental functions; Alzheimer’s disease [AD] is the most common cause of dementia. The most common symptoms of AD are forgetfulness followed by language disturbance, impaired judgment, disorientation and a loss of decision making abilities or planning skills. AD progresses slowly over several [5 to 10] years.

What are the symptoms of AD? AD starts as simple forgetfulness, which is normal in the ageing process. It is when people repeatedly forget names, misplace things and forget recent incidences that it becomes a matter of concern.

Mild cognitive impairment: In the early stages the person is not able to learn new skills like a recipe. They may not be able to negotiate a new route while driving or perform a challenging task at work. There may also be a change in their personality. The person becomes depressed, apathetic or quite the opposite; they become excitable with irritability and agitation.

Mild AD: In this stage, a person is unable to handle bank affairs, shop independently or plan a dinner for friends. But they can carry out daily activities like bathe and dress. As AD progresses, the forgetfulness worsens. They may not get the right words for things, people or places. They may misplace things frequently and keep household items in odd places.

They could, for example, keep shoes in the fridge instead of the shoe rack.

Moderate AD: The person forgets recent events, conversations and becomes irritable when this is pointed out. They may get lost in their usual surroundings or even in their own house. They may not be able to dress appropriately and may be unable to give out their correct address when asked. At this stage the person is unable to live independently.

Moderately-severe AD: The person is unable to carry out basic activities like brushing, bathing, dressing, using the

not sure where this is going. My mother has never been reasonable.

“For memory loss,” she says. “And I’m going to start to take more pills.”

“And why do you want to take more?” “To stop the memory loss.”

“Because it’s ge ing worse?” I ask. I want her to admit what she’s said to my sisters and forgo en: that she thinks she can actually feel the blood vessels in her head bursting and she Complete Wellbeing

toilet or having a meal independently. They get confused with people and may recall dead people as still being alive. They are not able to remember the names of their parents, children or grandchildren or hold meaningful conversations.

Severe AD: The person needs assistance for all their daily activities. Speech is limited to a few words and there may be repetition of a particular word. Later, the person becomes speechless. The person cannot walk and is wheelchair bound. With further progression of AD, the person is unable to sit with their head held upright and is then confined to bed.

They cannot swallow and need a feeding tube. Their control over urination and defecation is lost. The body becomes rigid and limbs get contractures and are in a fixed posture.

The person involuntarily grasps objects with their hands and sucks on anything brought near the mouth due to primitive reflexes.

Is there a cure for AD? Currently there is no cure for AD. In the early stages, medications can improve memory to some extent and may even slow memory decline.

Educating caregivers of persons with AD is important as they are prone to chronic stress and burnout is common. A good caregiver support programme improves the quality of life of AD patients and their families and delays placing AD patients in nursing homes.

Can we prevent AD? While there is no definite way to prevent AD, there are some precautions one can take. Eating dark green leafy vegetables, tomatoes, fish, walnuts, nuts, black berries and foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids helps to protect against AD. Dairy products, red meat and butter are high in saturated fats and are considered unhealthy for the brain. Learning to play an instrument or a speak a new language, doing crossword puzzles or other activities like Sudoku that require the brain to exercise also keeps AD at bay. Remaining socially active and mentally engaged may delay cognitive decline.

Rahul Chakor is Professor and Head of Neurology Dept.

TN Medical College & BYL Nair Hospital, Mumbai.

can’t remember anything anymore.

I know she uses 20 dollar bills for book marks and that my dad doesn’t leave her alone when they go to a grocery store or the casino. I know her arms are often covered in burns from the oven. I suspect that by tonight she’ll forget I was here today.

She says, “Because if I take one pill, then two would be much be er.”

Patti See is a writer from Lake Hallie, Wisconsin. You can read more about her experiences with Alzheimer’s at www.ourlonggoodbye. wordpress.com. Her mom died of the disease in 2012.

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16 JULY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 09

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Become a person of

influence Develop the art of drawing out the best in people

Persuasion is not manipulation; we persuade, not from our own perspective, but from ge ing the perspective of others, says John Maxwell, as he outlines the seven principles of effective persuasion.

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Intimidation is not a convincing persuasive tactic

AT WHAT POINT in life does a person learn how to be persuasive? When does he learn the fine art of convincing others that what’s good for him is good for them too? Have you ever been around a newborn baby who is hungry, or needs a diaper changed, or just wants to be held? It doesn’t take long for that baby to persuade some adult that some kind of action is being called for! Nobody enjoys being around a red-faced, crying baby for very long.

As that baby grows older, his motivational methods become refined. He learns when to throw temper tantrums and when to take an apple to the teacher. He learns what types of behaviour get him in trouble and what types get him what he wants. This ability to persuade is evident from the moment of birth. It should become more refined and beneficial to us and those we share our life experiences with, especially if we choose to lead.

18 JULY 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 09

Negotiation, the groundwork for persuasion Just before school one day, my son Joel wanted to go outside and see the construction workers in front of our house. He knows them all by name, and they certainly know him! He considers himself vital to the completion of the project. When I asked him if he had brushed his teeth, he said he had. Well I knew he hadn’t, and because he lied to me, I told him he could not go outside to watch the workers and would instead have to brush his teeth. Crying, he went to his room. Shortly, he returned looking like the cat that ate the canary. “Dad,” he said, “How about letting me go outside this morning and you can take away my television privileges for today?”

I said, “No, I’m sorry; you cannot go outside.”

He cried again and went back to his room. Two minutes later he returned with another big smile, Complete Wellbeing

“How about taking my computer privileges away?”

Obviously, Joel was trying to negotiate and persuade me to change my mind. He’s good at it, but in case you’re wondering, he did not go outside that morning!

Misconceptions about persuasion People have attached negative connotations to persuasion and associated it with manipulation.

Actually, the Latin meaning of the word is positive.

Per means ‘through’ and suasio means ‘sweetness’; so to persuade, means to use sweetness to get people to do things. Effective persuasion is a result of relating, not ruling. It speaks to the heart as well as to the head. Therefore, persuasion does not make use of force or intimidation.

Getting someone to do something without convincing them it’s the right thing to do is not the result of effective motivation; it’s the result of intimidation.

It’s like the mom who told the little kid to sit down in the grocery cart at the supermarket. He kept standing up and she kept telling him to sit down.

Finally she reprimanded him firmly enough that he sat down. She heard him whisper to himself as he was scrambling down, “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside!”

When we succeed in getting people to sit down on the outside while they’re still standing up on the inside, we are not persuading them; they are just accommodating us. We have neither convinced them nor have we met their basic needs.

One man’s persuasive ability The following incident lays the foundation for the rest of this piece. It is a dramatic account of the

persuasive ability of Emile Zola Berman as told by attorney Morton Janklo.

When Emile Zola Berman, the famous trial lawyer from New York, entered the Non Commissioned Officers’ Club at the Marine Corps boot camp at Parris Island, S.C., that hot, humid July night in 1956, the tension was immediate and palpable. The usually boisterous drill instructors were stunned into silence as Zuke Berman [as he was known to the legal world] strode into their sacred precincts as if he owned the place, went to the centre of the room, climbed onto a table and with a steely-eyed gaze stared out at the assembled noncoms [non-commissioned officers].

The room grew silent. Then, with the skill of the great actor that he was, Berman spoke: “My name is Emile Zola Berman. I’m a civilian, I’m a Jew and I’m a Yankee from New York City. I’ve come down here to save the Marine Corps. If no one helps me, I’m going back to New York to resume my life. If you care about the Corps, and if you care about the truth, come see us in our quarters tonight and help us keep you proud to be Marines.”

With that, he scrambled down off the table and strode out of the room as silently as he had entered it.

The occasion for this high drama was the most famous Marine Corps court-martial in history. Sgt. Matthew McKeon—the embodiment of the professional Marine drill instructor—was on trial for the most serious charges stemming from the drowning deaths of six young recruits in his company during a disciplinary nighttraining exercise in the swamps of Ribbon Creek. Berman and I [then a young attorney with experience in the military justice system] had volunteered to defend McKeon.

The key to our defence to the most serious charges was to prove that what McKeon had done did not constitute cruelty against his troops but was, in fact, common practice among Marine Corps drill instructors training young men for combat.

When we arrived at Parris Island a few days earlier, we had fully expected the drill instructors to cooperate

WHEN WE SUCCEED IN GETTING PEOPLE TO SIT DOWN ON THE OUTSIDE WHILE THEY’RE STILL STANDING UP ON THE INSIDE, WE ARE NOT PERSUADING THEM; THEY ARE JUST ACCOMMODATING US

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