September 2014 issue

“Everyone is born a genius, but the process of living de-geniuses them.” — R. Buckminster Fuller

Winner of the Medscape India award 2012

ISSN 2277 – 5153 VOL VIII ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2014 ` 100

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! h it w n r o b e r e w u o Yes, it is the gift y p22

Editor’s insights

Genius at work

J

ános Plesch, who was Albert Einstein’s friend and physician, narrates an incident in his memoir about a time when the Nobel prize winning scientist was in Hollywood visiting Charlie Chaplin. While driving around the town, the people on the streets gave them a rousing reception.

Noticing Einstein’s surprise, Chaplin said, “They’re cheering us both; you

because nobody understands you, and me because everybody understands me.”

Manoj Khatri manoj.khatri@completewellbeing.com

These two were undoubtedly among the greatest men the last century produced.

And yet they were poles apart from each other in their genius. Both these infinitemanoj ManojKhatri

individuals have, in their own unique ways, shaped the world we live in today.

While modern science and technology owes a lot to Einstein, Chaplin was the original entertainer, inspiring generations of filmmakers and actors.

Now imagine for a moment, what would have happened had Charlie Chaplin been coerced to study advanced physics, while Albert Einstein found himself before the camera? My guess is that the world would’ve been a very diěerent place, and not in a positive sense. But thankfully, these two geniuses pursued their own paths, instead of conforming to the demands and expectations of others, the way most folks do. They worked with their strengths, instead of trying to improve their weaknesses.

You too can be a genius, provided you recognise your inherent strengths and play to them. Unfortunately, most of us are trained, right from our childhood, to work on improving what we are not good at. In the process, many wouldbe Chaplins, Einsteins, Pelés, Picassos and Bachs end up living mediocre and unfulfilled lives.

No maĴer what you currently do, you will be able to do it beĴer—once you understand and follow Jay Niblick’s advice in this month’s cover story. Best-selling author of What’s Your Genius?, Niblick reveals why most people find it diĜcult to recognise the giĞ they were born with. “Being a genius isn’t about being super intelligent,” he assures, as he outlines the two qualities that all geniuses have. He

You too can be a genius, provided you recognise your inherent strengths and play to them 02 SEPTEMBER 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 11

then details the ways in which you can identify and maximise your own genius.

I leave you to ponder the words of another great genius. In his autobiography, Mark Twain writes: “Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered—either by themselves or by others.” I hope this issue of Complete Wellbeing propels you to not only discover, but also work with, your genius.

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www.completewellbeing.com Vol VIII Issue 11 SEPT 2014

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EDITOR & PUBLISHER | Manoj Khatri EDITORIAL ADVISOR | Dr Grazilia Almeida-Khatri SR COPY EDITOR & FEATURES WRITER | Wynrica Gonsalves ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR | Amit Amdekar SR GRAPHIC DESIGNER | Mukesh Patel EDITORIAL OFFICE 502, A wing, Sagar Tech Plaza, Saki Naka Junction, Andheri-Kurla Road, Mumbai 400072. Tel/Fax: 022-6742 0900 E-mail: editorial@completewellbeing.com

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SUMMARY OF CONTENTS TRENDING THIS MONTH >>

Discover your genius

By Jay Niblick

BULK SUBSCRIPTIONS Call: 022-6742 0900 SMS: ‘CW BULK’ to 7738387787 E-mail: copysales@completewellbeing.com SUBSCRIPTIONS Call: 022-6742 0900 SMS: ‘CW SUB’ to 7738387787 E-mail: subscriptions@completewellbeing.com PRINTED AT | Rajhans Enterprises PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY | Manoj Khatri, on behalf of Complete Wellbeing Publishing Pvt Ltd., at Rajhans Enterprises, No. 134, 4th Main Road, Industrial Town, Rajajinagar, Bangalore - 560044, and published from Complete Wellbeing Publishing Pvt. Ltd., 502, A wing, Sagar Tech Plaza, Saki Naka Junction, Andheri-Kurla Road, Mumbai 400072. Tel/Fax: 022-6742 0900 Editor: Manoj Khatri © Complete Wellbeing Publishing Pvt Ltd., All rights reserved. Reproduction, in part or in whole, in print, electronic or any other form, is strictly prohibited.

DISCLAIMER | Complete Wellbeing is dedicated to providing useful, well-researched information on holistic health/wellbeing, but its contents are not intended to provide medical advice/diagnosis for individual problems or circumstances, or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Readers are advised to always consult their physician/healthcare professional/therapist, prior to starting any new remedy, therapy or treatment, or practice, or with any questions they may have regarding a medical/health condition.

The views expressed by writers are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor, publisher, or Complete Wellbeing.

Using masculine pronouns ‘he’, ‘him’ or ‘his’ for subjects of unknown gender is considered prejudicial. We respect both genders and hence use feminine and masculine pronouns interchangeably.

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22

EXPLORE >>

DECIDE >>

Perspective 66 A place of no judgement

Relationships 73 Are you enjoying your anger?

Travel 86 Spiti Valley

Parenting 80 My story of childhood sexual abuse

By Alena Naron

By Jaydatta Nikalje

By Wynrica Gonsalves

By Harish Iyer

VOL VIII ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2014 03

TRANSFORM >>

UNWIND >>

Consciousness 68 Learn to make a decision

Humour 44 Breaking up with my fat

By Osho

70

By Sahil Shah

Meditation made easy

By Peter Russell

UNLEARN >>

40

MANAGE >>

DISCOVER >>

Career & workplace 36 The benefits of plants in the

Exercise 46 ChiWalking

Marriage & intimacy 56 The Honeymoon Effect

By Bruce Lipton

workplace

By Danny Dreyer

By Shaan Lalwani

Food & nutrition 48 Wheatgrass

RESOLVE >>

Health & vitality 40 Mindful weight-loss

By Suchetha CP

Self-help 32 Running in the rat race

By Roshani Sanghani

Mind & emotions 94 Using art to heal your emotions

By Vinesh Sukumaran

By Manoj Arora

Common ailments 52 Health problems post 60

By Shalini Suralkar

REGULARS >>

Marriage & intimacy 60 Support for couples when

08 Talkback 10 Events

trying to conceive

By Pallavi Choudhury Tripathi

14 Write notes

Sleep 83 Handling your child’s 94

16 Happy happenings

sleepwalking

62 Culture Club

By Aanchal Agarwal

65 Month freshener 76 Confession booth

INDULGE >>

92 CW Select 97 New kits on the block

Food & nutrition 50 Eggplant recipes

98 Reflections

By Sheela Preuitt

98

04 SEPTEMBER 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 11

COMPLETE WELLBEING

Happy happenings

Atul Bhide is on his way to building a healthier tomorrow than 10,000 homes in just two talukas of Thane district that didn’t have a closed toilet.

Hence, he along with his friends launched the ‘Right to Go’ project and started building 10 toilets by covering the expenses from their own pockets. When they realised that there were another 200 houses that required toilets, they got in touch with Dr. Renuka Desai, a member of the Rotary club, Cherry Hill, New Jersey, US. With her support they managed to meet their target of constructing 200 toilets in the village.

The team opened an account with ` 1 lakh for the maintenance of these toilets. This project has now led the villagers to spread awareness about the importance of hygiene.

Pic for representational purpose only

IN A GENERATION where almost every hand holds a mobile phone, there are still many villages in India where people defecate in the open because of unavailability of toilets. Most of us blame the government for this, but there’s one person who decided to stop complaining and start acting.

Atul Bhide decided to contribute his bit to improve the unhygienic conditions of Sogav village. An entrepreneur for 25 years, Bhide’s life took a turn when he started working on various community service projects aĞer joining the Rotary Club of Thane. Inspired by his father, who also helps the community, Bhide thought of doing something to ease the lives of villagers. While visiting Sogav village, he noticed that there are more

Mystery donor sponsors a dolphin trip for sick twins AN UNKNOWN DONOR has sponsored a trip to Gran Canaria for eight-year-old twins, Freddie and Louie Dawkins and their parents. The twins, who are suěering from a rare genetic disorder, have always wanted swim with dolphins. So when their wish was granted, their parents Sarah and Andrew were totally overwhelmed by the generosity of the mysterious donor. Known only as Richard, the donor found them through the charity website 52-lives.org.

Sarah and Andrew had to give up their jobs so that they could care for the boys full-time. The couple had been saving for a long time to fulfil their twins’ dream of swimming with the dolphins in Gran Canaria. However, their dream has now been made possible with the help of ‘Richard’. Sarah said, “It’s just amazing that this chap has come forward and oěered to pay for complete strangers.”

The family does not want to disclose the total expenditure, but have said that Richard has sent them double the value they estimated for the trip. Richard, the anonymous donor who lives in New Jersey said, “Life is about memories. I just want to give the boys and their parents the best memories because they don’t expect to have a long time together.”

If you have an inspiring or heart-touching story or incident to share, email us at editorial@completewellbeing.com and we’ll publish your story here.

References: www.goodnewsnetwork.org, www.thebetterindia.com

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VOL VIII ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2014 05

Manage

health & vitality

06 SEPTEMBER 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 11

COMPLETE WELLBEING

Why am I not

losing weight

If you have tried everything— from Atkins to the South Beach diet—and still haven’t lost weight, it’s time you gave mindfulness a shot, says Roshani Sanghani

MY JOURNEY AS a healthcare provider has always revolved around the mind/body connection. I believe, deep down, that no one willfully harms himself and it is my passion to empower patients to regain charge of their health. It gives me the greatest joy and personal reward when a patient returns smiling, recharged in their spirit, having adopted a lifestyle change over the long-term which actually allows me to reduce their medication.

When it comes to obesity more oĞen than not we blame our hormones, insomnia or lack of time. We look for quick-fix methods, hoping to lose weight either through crash diets or weight-loss medications.

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The truth about weight-loss drugs Let’s face it—there is no magic pill for weight loss.

If it existed, all of us would be on it and not reading this article. Since the 1930s, there have been at least 10 drug classes introduced for weight loss, most of which aĴempted to suppress appetite. Of all the weight-loss drugs, only one remains on the market today—orlistat, which works on reducing intestinal absorption of fat that is consumed. The other drug classes had to be banned due to serious safety concerns.

My take: From my endocrinology background, I know that the simplified version of appetite regulation involves over 20 chemicals [hormones and neurotransmiĴers] and over 10 genetic pathways.

Why did Mother Nature spend so much DNA storage capacity of the genetic code on regulating appetite?

Because it helped humans survive, adapt and become the most intelligent species on earth. The phenomenon of appetite regulation is a miraculous creation. Do we really think Nature will allow a single tablet to block our appetite? No way! I am convinced that Nature will adapt and find a way to bypass the drug block, because the momentum of evolution’s design to ensure our survival always triumphs. No wonder then that we face dangerous side eěects when we try to block one of the strongest survival mechanisms that kept us alive through famine: the drive to find fuel. Tough luck that most of the readers of this magazine aren’t living in conditions of famine or energy shortage!

As for orlistat? It causes a slight weight reduction to the extent that the excess fat gets eliminated from the body as sticky greasy stools. I’d much rather modify the way I eat and reduce the amount of fat that goes in my tummy. Orlistat does nothing for the behaviour or lifestyle that is causing the extra fat to be consumed.

Crash diets I don’t prescribe diets because I feel they distract from where the main focus needs to be: lifestyle change.

VOL VIII ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2014 07

Roshani Sanghani Mindful eating is the way to go.

Want to eat something greasy? Go ahead, but do it mindfully.

Feeling hungry all the time? Mindfulness will help you decipher true hunger from sensations commonly mistaken as hunger.

GeĴing hungry sooner? Meals that are loaded with carbohydrates create an insulin rise-and-fall that stimulate hunger hormones more frequently. A meal with adequate protein will keep hunger hormones in check for longer.

My take: I’m against typical diet plans/diet charts/crash diets/rigid rules/lists that separate foods into ‘good’ or ‘allowed’ versus ‘bad’ or ‘not allowed’.

I believe that we all know how to eat in a way that is right for our body, and we need to relearn that inner wisdom. Dieting is not sustainable over the long term and all foods can be taken safely [keeping in mind any medical diagnoses] as long as they are eaten with awareness. The more something is proscribed, the more we crave it and end up overeating. The tragic aspect of this is that once someone gives into that ‘craving’, society makes them feel guilty as if they have commiĴed a grave sin. This is a huge disservice to the individual, because the fault lies in the non-sustainable diet approach. Most rapid weight-loss plans cause loss of precious muscle, bone and water, while most of the fat remains intact. Most weight regained aĞer a crash diet ends is in the form of fat, resulting in a slower metabolism.

Whether you’re someone struggling with your weight, cholesterol or diabetes, let nutritional information be a tool, not a weapon or a set of handcuěs. It’s all about balance, variety and moderation.

Once we learn to eat in a mindful way, the extra weight will go away. Besides, we are meant to savour delicious flavours and use food as a part of celebration, pleasure and love. That’s why we have taste buds on our tongues, not our stomachs.

Thyroid problems Only a significantly raised level of thyroid-stimulating hormone [TSH], a condition called hypothyroidism,

WHEN IT COMES TO OBESITY, WE BLAME OUR HORMONES, INSOMNIA OR LACK OF TIME. WE LOOK FOR QUICK-FIX METHODS, CRASH DIETS OR MEDICATIONS 08 SEPTEMBER 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 11

is a Consultant Endocrinologist at Hinduja Hospital, Mumbai. She also runs an ‘Am I Hungry? Mindful Eating’ workshops.

causes weight gain. Most people struggling with weight have normal TSH levels that establish the innocence of the thyroid gland.

My take: Too many people are given flawed forecasts that once they become a thyroid patient they are destined to be overweight. This is not true. Once your TSH is in the normal or subclinical hypothyroidism range [whether via thyroid hormone replacement or otherwise] your weight gain is coming from someplace else. Hormonal causes of obesity are extremely rare.

Insulin resistance In India, we are losing too many young people to complications of insulin resistance. A majority of this epidemic is caused by worsening lifestyles and imbalanced nutrition. To add to that, Indian genes are prone to insulin resistance. The most reliable way to estimate insulin resistance is to measure glucose levels and glycosylated haemoglobin.

My take: Many people with diabetes and PCOS are on more medication than they truly need—all because they are not making the required lifestyle changes. Unfortunately, a large proportion of Indians have resigned themselves to that bulge around the middle, and it is due to that bulge that diabetes and polycystic ovarian syndrome [PCOS] worsen. The fat around the waist directly prevents our body’s own insulin from doing its job. So as a doctor, shouldn’t I help the person restore their own insulin sensitivity by reducing their tummy girth and building muscle, rather than pushing up one medication aĞer the next? And no, liposuction doesn’t remove the oěending section of fat.

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Has someone advised you to stop eating pulses and to start taking allopurinol for your slightly high uric acid levels? Uric acid levels go up due to insulin resistance. Reverse the insulin resistance through lifestyle change and the uric acid will improve. By stopping lentils, you might be falling short of your protein requirement and hamper your muscle composition.

No muscles Muscular development is ignored in India. Protein intake is drastically below the required 0.8 gram per kg per day in most Indians. Having toned muscles that are of gender- and ageappropriate bulk are major insurance policies against progression of diabetes and PCOS. This means reducing the carbohydrate intake, increasing protein in our diets, and yes, cardiovascular plus resistance exercise to build muscle.

No time to exercise? Time won’t arrive giĞ-wrapped in a box. We all get 24 hours. We all have jobs, families and homes filled with drama. You have to find a way.

My take: Mindfulness will help you see where you are spending time which, instead, needs to be diverted towards your health and wellbeing. Besides, mindfulness also helps you realise that exercise is not some punishment for eating or some form of barbaric torture. Exercise is a way to enjoy the experience of an active, fit and energetic body.

Sleep deprivation Disturbed sleep or night-shiĞ work worsens struggles with weight and increases the chance of diabetes.

Undiagnosed sleep apnoea causes significant cardiac and metabolic risk.

There are delicate hormone systems called orexins that connect appetite and the day-night cycles of sleep.

My take: Sleep deprivation makes weight-loss aĴempts harder and also increases appetite. Remember the extra hunger aĞer pulling an all-nighter or the extra weight gained during exams?

COMPLETE WELLBEING

Sleep deprivation makes weight loss attempts harder and also increases appetite

Our bodies aren’t designed hormonally to process food eĜciently aĞer it gets dark outside.

Good quality sleep is essential for metabolic health.

But night-shiĞ workers for instance can’t quit their job.

They need their incomes and society needs them too.

If you get up feeling tired, get tested for sleep apnoea when you can. Do you feel unable to fall asleep? Or, if you wake up at night, are you unable to fall back asleep without eating something? Undoubtedly there is something wrong with your sleep process. Nearly always, food is not the right answer. You need to diagnose what is really going on when you sleep. Let food have the place in your life it deserves.

Emotional eating Eating helps temporarily sooth negative emotions just like it allows us to celebrate a happy occasion. The hormonal changes that happen aĞer eating something pleasurable increase our ‘feel-good’ chemicals by stimulating the reward centre in the brain. Foods rich in fat, sugar, salt and caěeine, are all very potent at this.

My take: In moderation, there is no problem with eating any food. But when it becomes a paĴern of seeking short-term relief from unpleasant emotions through food, then it starts to take on an addictive quality and then the only solution is mindful eating.

My message It is possible, necessary and rewarding to take charge of your health. Just by being more mindful of your lifestyle choices, you can reduce—and in some cases even reverse—metabolic disorders, and cut down medication. Isn’t that worth a try?

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VOL VIII ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2014 09

Transform consciousness

Meditation doesn’t have to be a tug of war between the chaĴer of your mind and peace. Allow the noise to give way to the silence

Don’t try to

meditate

By Peter Russell

YOU MAY BE SURPRISED to hear that meditation should be eěortless, that no striving or concentration is needed. I know I was. When I first became interested in meditation, back in the mid-60s, I was repeatedly told that it took great mental discipline and many years of practice.

Indian teachers had likened the mind to a wagonload of restless monkeys that needed to be tied down and kept quiet.

My experience appeared to confirm it. My mind was full of thoughts and, try as I may, I could not keep them at bay. Like many others, I naturally assumed that I was not trying hard enough; I needed greater mental discipline, not less.

10 SEPTEMBER 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 11

COMPLETE WELLBEING

If you are doing mindfulness meditation, you are doing it with your ability to aĴend to the moment.

—Daniel Goleman

COMPLETE WELLBEING

VOL VIII ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2014 11

Peace, the natural condition of the mind

Peter Russell’s work integrates Eastern and Western understandings of the mind. He is the author of The Global Brain, From Science to God and other books. For his online course “How to Meditate Without Even Trying”, visit peterrussell.com.

By failing we succeed Thus, the advice that occurs repeatedly in a variety of meditation traditions is:

A quiet mind is not a state of mind to be achieved. It is the state we experience when there is nothing to be achieved. It is the mind in its natural condition, untarnished by fears and desires, and the thoughts they create.

When everything is okay in our world, we feel okay inside; we are at ease.

Yet, even when all our physical needs are met, and there is no immediate threat or danger, we seldom feel totally at ease. More oĞen than not, we experience the very opposite.

Leave us with nothing to do and most of us start geĴing bored. If someone upsets us, we may hold a grievance for days, weeks, or even years later. Or we may spend hours worrying about situations that could occur, but seldom do. In short, we find ourselves upset, bewildered, excited, frightened, hopeful, or in any other of a host of states; in which we are far from content.

Along with such feelings comes an almost endless procession of thoughts. Most of them boil down to worries about how we can be more content; ironically, a mind that is worrying is by definition, discontent. This is the sad joke about human beings—we are so busy worrying whether or not we are going to be at peace in the future, we don’t give ourselves the chance to be at peace in the present.

Let the aĴention rest in that experience.

Don’t try to concentrate or hold it there.

Ah yes, you will be sure to wander oě again.

But the practice is not so much learning how to stay present, but finding how to return to the present. If you wander oě a 100 times, it is a 100 opportunities to practise gently returning your aĴention to the present.

Even then, trying and eěort can arise in subtle ways. Maybe if I just added this or focussed on that, it would be easier. Some of it is so subtle, we don’t even notice that we are doing it. A faint resistance to an experience perhaps or even a slight wanting to have a good meditation can get in the way.

Wrestling with the mind

Eěortlessness is the key

Thinking does, of course, have its place and value. Without our ability to gather information, comprehend, reason, draw conclusions, imagine the future, determine outcomes, make choices and initiate action, we would still be swinging from the trees. Nevertheless, much of our thinking is totally unnecessary.

And most of it runs in loops anyway.

So, given how easily such thoughts spring up and take us away from true contentment, it is only natural to think that they must be subdued and controlled. That approach, however, stems from the same belief that created them—the belief that we need to be in control of things in order to find peace of mind.

Whereas it is actually the wanting to be in control that that takes away from the natural ease of the mind in its resting state.

Over my 40 years of teaching meditation, I have found the greatest challenge for students is to let go of all eěort. They can’t quite believe that they really do not need to try at all. Sometimes, even the most experienced meditators, with years of practice, may still put a slight eěort or control into their practice. Once they let go completely, they begin to appreciate how eěortless it can be, and find themselves dropping even more easily into a state of inner silence.

To this end, the focus of my teaching in recent years has been helping people weed out and dissolve even the subtlest levels of wanting, eěort and expectation in meditation.

12 SEPTEMBER 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 11

1

When you realise you have been caught in a thought, accept the fact. Don’t judge or blame yourself. It happens, even to the most experienced meditators.

2

Instead of following the thought, as you might in normal life, gently shiĞ your attention back to some experience in the present moment. In Transcendental Meditation that may be the thought of a mantra; in mindfulness, it is the sensation of the breath, or in other practices perhaps a visual image, or a feeling of love.

3

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It’s back!

Mindfulness Yoga Retreat

Although it is used that way, mindfulness is much more than a spiritual cliché. It is a

WHO

Anyone who needs a break from routine and time to rejuvenate—the Mindfulness Yoga Retreat is designed for beginners as well as those at an intermediate level of Yoga.

WHEN

5th – 7th November 2014

powerful instrument that has the potential to transform your life from inside out. Combined with Yoga, mindfulness can change your life forever. If you have been eager to start afresh, come... join us for a rejuvenating retreat and embark on a new beginning.

WHERE

Cigad Resort, Uttan [Near Mumbai] http://www.cigad.in

Fees per participant

` 14,750 only all inclusive

[Includes single point pick-up and drop, twin sharing stay in an AC room and all meals]

AGENDA AT A GLANCE

Asana sessions twice a day +20 breath awareness techniques Guided meditations Wholesome and delicious sattvik meals Be amidst nature and relax to the soothing sound of waves Foot reflexology session Games and activities for inner reflection And more...

Bring a partner along and get 10% discount for both

To register,

Send “Retreat” to 07738387787 or

call 022-67420900*

[*Monday to Friday 10am to 6pm] or write to yogaretreat@completewellbeing.com

Spend three days in blissful exploration of your inner potential.

CONFESSION BOOTH fortunately for me, before I started dictating others’ lives in ways they least expected or needed, I was gradually helped to divorce my perfectionism.

It’s tough being a perfectionist

Confessions of a former

perfectionist

Sakshi Nanda recounts how she shed the excess baggage of perfectionism from her life

SEVEN YEARS AGO, on the day of my wedding, my husband had no clue that he was tying the knot with someone who was already married—to perfectionism. But what love at first sight did not reveal, living together as man and wife did. The signs that his wife was a high degree perfectionist soon made themselves all too visible to my husband’s love-struck eyes. And sweet surprise turned to sudden shock, sometimes even to silent surrender.

Maybe because I was allowed a free run in the ‘playground of perfectionism’, or because I did not realise how irrational I could be at times, the perfectionist in me was fast becoming diĜcult to adjust to—not just for others but also for myself.

My husband decided to sit me down [and by this I mean multiple times!] and remind me of that one vow we took without the priest’s knowledge—that whenever we see a quirk growing in each other, we would honestly tell the other about it. But 14 SEPTEMBER 2014 VOL VIII ISSUE 11

I have always believed that each one of us is a perfectionist to varying degrees. Maybe I assume this as I look for comfort in numbers.

But if you think hard enough, you will realise you too know people who range from compulsive perfectionists to those who merely like to fuss over their hair and homes. So, if there is a tiny perfectionist hidden inside all of us, where is the problem?

A perfectionist is a person who has a sharply critical eye to spot lapses no maĴer how small they may be. OĞen, a perfectionist’s goal is as unreasonable as their means to achieve them. As a result, meeting those goals remains an uphill, oĞen unsuccessful, endeavour. And what happens when you cannot meet your goals? Feelings of inadequacy, guilt, anxiety, emptiness bordering on depression and even jealousy arise.

A perfectionist, then, is a person perpetually running an obstacle race of their own creation. OĞen staring at the goal post with unflinching determination, constantly chiding their shoes, shins, size for slowing them down, knowing they are fast enough but lusting to be faster and wishing they had clocked a beĴer time even when they touch the goal post first.

What’s wrong with re-thinking every wriĴen word?

This article would never have made its deadline if my perfectionist self could have her way, which is to write-edit-proofread and re-write, re-edit, re-proofread times n.

It took a lot to satisfy me with what I had created, and my husband’s ‘It’s perfect!’ was usually heard as ‘It’s nearly-perfect!’ by me.

I pushed myself to be the perfect hostess at dinner parties with not a spoon out of place, or hair, mine or his for that maĴer.

My house would shine spic-and-span, with everything where it belongs. Holidays were planned to the tee. I devoured books on parenting advice during my pregnancy. And then, I dominated my son’s life too—from how his books are covered to making his fancy dresses as unique as possible, to tying the best bows, I tried to do everything to perfection.

COMPLETE WELLBEING

Consequently, I found myself upset with what I imagined as my own mediocrity and other people’s quality of work. I was avoiding doing what I thought I didn’t have the capability to handle, and ignoring other people’s faith in me. More oĞen than not, I had bad hair days—figuratively! And I was geĴing tired of my own behaviour.

My husband had tried most methods known to kind men to make wives like me relax—like watching football, preferably with a beer can in hand, munching peanuts with shells flying and feet on the table.

While I would have once shuddered at the prospect of such waste of time, today I think diěerently.

was geĴing stiě with all the bending backwards. And with friends and family spread across the world and social media like a Bodhi Tree, imagine the consequences of all this hard work. By excusing myself from trying to impress all of humanity, I now lead a life independent from one seeking sanctions from outside.

>>

Enjoying the journey as much as the goal: All those hours I spent making confeĴi for my child’s birthday, wishing it would be enough and preĴy, could have almost been as enjoyable as the party. Or the anxiety over delivering a perfect book review and leĴing it take away from experiencing the book itself. There is more to life than accomplishing. The process of geĴing there in the company of family and fun is essential too.

>>

Challenging your beliefs: It is important to heed people you trust to challenge your set beliefs, especially about yourself. An evolution of mind requires people to question us, even by criticising us, to keep us from sinking into rigidity of thoughts and obsoleteness. Not all of life’s liĴle instructions are wriĴen in My Book of Perfectionism. If I had not let my husband into my mind, I would not have been writing this, nor would have signed oě on my aim of ‘being perfect’ so nonchalantly.

Being a lamp in the house The beginning of shedding perfectionism was made on a quiet summer day, when a storm of underperformance at work was playing havoc with my aura. My husband saw his Medusa muĴering profanities in a corner of the house and came to tell me a story.

He told me of the ACR [Annual Confidential Reports] writing time in certain government oĜces. These forms included lots of questions about eĜciency, credibility and work done successfully, with remarks by many in the pyramid of hierarchy. He told me of this kind man, right at the centre of the governmental pyramid, writing ‘outstanding’ for each and every person whose ACR crossed his path. When the staě heard it, they were jubilant. AĞer all, it was a homogeneously outstanding lot! My husband knit his brows in incomprehension at this blind generosity. Over tea the same day, he discussed this phenomenon with a senior. The words of that senior bureaucrat quoted to me were: “If everybody is outstanding, nobody is.”

We both smiled. Here are some things my husband and I have been keeping in mind to make me become a perfect non-perfectionist [sorry!]:

>>

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Silencing the self-critic: To err is human.

Every perfection-seeker needs to understand this. Being overly self-critical is unhealthy and makes you miss seeing the good bits about yourself.

Learning to impress myself: Perfectionists obsess over what others think of them.

I did. I tried to make sure everyone liked me, without realising how my lower back

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I conclude with something my teacher from class I wrote in my autograph book: “If you cannot be a star in the sky, be a lamp in the house.”

To reach that state of contentment where excellence can do for perfection, and ‘very good’ can stand for excellence.

The perfectionist is converted I was forever anxious about not driving perfectly. Three instructors and six years of driving practice included: puĴing the wrong gear at a traĜc signal, people honking impatiently behind me, judging my driving skills and wishing me oě the street. And today, aĞer three weeks of driving with a calm husband beside me, I have leĞ all that perfect-performance anxiety behind. So, while he made this perfectionist’s mind go from fiĞh gear to first, my car confidently paints the town red in gear number five.

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Sakshi Nanda has studied Literature and worked with two publishing houses.

She writes in the hope of finding that pot of gold at the beginning of the rainbow. Meet her at sakshinanda.com

VOL VIII ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2014 15

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Ycaon beua

too

We struggle in life seeking to find our place in the sun, when the road to finding our genius is actually a simple one

By Jay Niblick

“Neither a loĞy degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius.”

—Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

ONCE UPON A TIME the animals decided they must do something heroic to meet the problems of a ‘new world’, so they organised a school. They adopted a training curriculum consisting of running, climbing, swimming and flying. All the animals were required to excel in all the subjects.

The duck was excellent in swimming. But he got only passing grades in flying and was very poor in running. Since he was slow in running, he had to stay aĞer school and also drop swimming in order to practise. This was kept up until his webbed feet were badly worn and he became only average in swimming. But average was acceptable in the school, so nobody worried about that… except the duck.

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The rabbit started at the top of the class in running but had a nervous breakdown because he had so much remedial work in swimming.

The squirrel was excellent in climbing but failed flying, so he was held back and forced to repeat the year and made to focus exclusively on flying.

The eagle was a problem child. In the climbing class, he beat all the others to the top of the tree but insisted on using his own way to get there. So he was disciplined severely.

At the end of the year, an abnormal eel that could swim exceeding well and also run, climb and fly a liĴle had the highest average and was valedictorian.

The prairie dogs stayed out of the school completely because the administration would not add digging and burrowing to the curriculum.

The story above is an adaptation from George Reavis’ The Animal School, wriĴen in 1940. It is one of my favourite liĴle pieces of writing when it comes to the topic of an individual’s natural talents and abilities, because it highlights—in a sarcastically comical way—a significant problem faced by far too many individuals today. That problem is that we try to ignore our own genius and seek to change what we truly are… to fit someone else’s mould.

Why finding our genius is diĜcult The moral of the above story is that each of us, like the animals, has our own unique genius. Unfortunately there is no shortage of people in our lives telling us how to change ourselves, to improve ourselves, to be something diěerent. Ours is a world of archaic belief systems dedicated to having us all conform to pre-prescribed expectations—of what others think we should fix in order to improve ourselves. The problem with thinking that you need to fix yourself is that it requires the presupposition that you are broken and that’s a horrible place to work from.

Now don’t get me wrong. Selfimprovement is a fine thing, and yearning to constantly become a beĴer person is an honourable endeavour. It’s how we go about improving ourselves that I have an issue with.

Like the fish trying to learn to fly, many of us spend our lives aĴempting to be something we are not. Normally, because someone else thinks we should. Teachers, parents, friends, employers, as well intended as they may be, cajole and harangue us to be more organised, less pedantic, more emotional, less emotional, more outgoing, more reserved and so on.

It’s not a problem with wanting to improve ourselves—it becomes a problem when we want to change that which we are at our core.

Authentic improvement The world always tries to make you fit into pre-prescribed expectations and, in the process, thwarts the genius in you

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Improving ourselves would imply that we want to stay true to our own natural genius [i.e., the natural talents and giĞs we possess], just get beĴer at applying those talents. Improving ourselves is analogous to the duck wanting to be a beĴer duck. This is a wonderful thing COMPLETE WELLBEING

to do, and research shows us that this is what the best performers to do.

Changing ourselves, on the other hand, is about being inauthentic and trying to become more like someone else [i.e., the duck wishing it were a squirrel]. This isn’t a wonderful thing to do and something that the same research shows is more commonly the route chosen by those who do not perform nearly as well, and report much lower levels of satisfaction.

What if you could see your genius?

One of the main reasons we take our genius for granted and seek instead to become something else is because our genius is mostly invisible. If only our unique individual talents were as visually obvious as the physical traits of the animals in the above fable. If they were, perhaps others and even ourselves, might understand that we already have significant traits and abilities that don’t need to be modified.

Each of us has a unique brain, which houses an even more unique mind. Yes, we’re all human and the same basic anatomical and biological guidelines apply equally to all of us. But that’s where the similarities end. The configuration of the 100 billion brains cells that constitute our neural networks, our memories, experiences, emotions and a host of other aspects—make each and everyone of us amazingly unique.

Learning and natural talent Part of this uniqueness is the natural talents and abilities that we each possess, based on our neural networks. For some, the ability to solve complex problems is like second nature. For others, such problem solving is incredibly difficult. Someone else may have a natural COMPLETE WELLBEING

Each of us has a unique brain, which houses an even more unique mind

ability to be creative, or think conceptually, or be extroverted, introverted, detail-oriented, decisive, empathetic… and a host of other aĴributes that just come naturally.

This isn’t to say that we can’t learn more about any specific talent, but learning and knowledge constitute only a fraction of the recipe that makes for superior ability. Anyone can learn advanced techniques for problem solving but if that knowledge isn’t added to a natural ability to think conceptually, performance will always be somewhat limited.

Yes, I can learn how to speak publicly and be more outgoing, but if my genius is not for being the most extroverted person in the world, no amount of learning is going to change that. If I aĴempt to force myself, the research shows that I will most likely perform adequately in this eěort at best, and feel very stressed and dissatisfied in the end anyway.

For some, the ability to solve complex problems is like second nature. For others, such problem solving is incredibly difficult VOL VIII ISSUE 11 SEPTEMBER 2014 19

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