Costa Link Magazie December 2009 by Costalink Magazine

Costa lInk

magazine

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COVERING COSTA DEL SOL - INCLUDING FUENGIROLA, LA CALA, CALAHONDA, ELVIRIA, MARBELLA, PUERTO BANUS, SAN PEDRO, ESTEPONA, LA DUQUESA, SOTOGRANDE, ALHAURIN AND COÍN.

DECEMBER 2009 NO.33

WWW.COSTALINKMAGAZINE.COM

Jokes B u s i n e s s D i re c t o r y

Local Info

Kids Page

Glass Curtains S.L.

902 433 435

Puzzles

What’s On Guide

Bar & Restaurant Guide

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695 153 502

Email: alhaurinautos@live.co.uk Poligono Industrial La Rosa, Alhaurin el Grande

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FORD IVECO DAILY 2005, LHD, Spanish, 2.5 Diesel, C/L, White, Bargain ..... 6,795 € , FORD TRANSIT 2004, LHD, Spanish, Diesel, SWB, Side Loading Door, White, C/L ....... 5,995 €

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SMART CROSSBLADE One Of 2000 Made, LHD, Spainish, Cab, A/C, E/W, C/L, In Black And Silver, Real Eye Catcher. 9,750 €

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MINI CAB 2005, LHD, Spainish, 65,000 kls From New, E/W, C/L, Pearl Blue, ............13,200 €

MG ROADSTER 1.8 Petrol, 1979, LHD, Spanish, This car is like New, A collectors car Bargain at ... 9,500 €

VAUXHALL VECTRA 2004, Saloon, 5 Speed, Manual, A/C, Alloy Wheels, CD, UK Plate .... 3,995 €

Selection of new pit bikes and quads from 350€

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sales@costalinkmagazine.com

Website: www.costalinkmagazine.com

Skype: costalink.magazine Deposito Legal: MA-228-2007 Deadline Date: 15th of each month. No part of this publication, including pictures may be copied, SCANNED, used or reproduced without our prior written consent.

Well I hope you all have written to Father Christmas with your wish list. But don’t worry if you haven’t you still have a few more weeks. I’ve sent mine, bet I don’t get the Ferrari, never mind I still have the Costa Link van. I wonder if Santa has been hit by the financial crisis?

But remember it’s not all about the presents, it’s about spending quality time with your loved ones, family and friends. Time goes so quickly so make every moment count, and tell the ones you love ‘exactly that’. So have a Merry Christmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year. Enjoy and Keep Smiling.

Costa Link Magazine accepts no responsibility for alterations to events listed, claims made by our advertisers or information provided by our contributors.

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Email:

Well December’s issue is here, gosh where has this year gone. I would like to a start with a big special thanks to all our avid readers, most of all to our loyal advertisers new and old for your continued support that you have given us throughout this tough year. Without you we would not be able to produce such a great little mag for all of us to enjoy. So a massive ‘THANK YOU’ and I hope next year will be a better year for us all.

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What’s On Guide

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penis size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake penis at her and make the “woo-hoo” sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. Done... Dare you turn to ‘A Man’s Page’ page 26, see how a ‘LADY’ showers. When a car skidded on wet road and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. “Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve taken a course in first-aid!” The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. “Pardon me,” she said. “But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.”

How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake penis at her making the “woo-hoo” sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your penis and scratch your arse. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire

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Hot Goss !

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Danyl Johnson - stormed out of The X Factor rehearsals, after throwing a massive strop over his song choice. Danyl was given George Michael hit Praying For Time by his mentor Simon Cowell, but struggled to grasp the difficult tune straight away and lost his temper. "He burst out the door and ran off down Battersea High Street," revealed one insider. "He seems very angry and upset and is demanding a different song." Danyl has been finding it difficult to connect to the viewing public, and show sources say this latest incident will not do him any favours. "Even if the song choice is wrong there's no need to storm out," said one source. Moody arse...

Katie Price - chose to go back into the I'm A Celeb... jungle, and we're also aware she must have known the public would vote her to do all the grim Bush Tucker Trials. We also realise she's pocketing loads of cash as a result. We know all this, but we still started to feel a bit sorry for her. Doing the Trials is clearly terrifying her, we all know she's not a good enough actress to fake that level of fear and watching her dry-retch, cry and shake is becoming uncomfortable. The very fact that Katie is generating all these calls proves the public can't get enough of her, even if they dislike her, but we suspect that a few people are starting to see her good side again. Not us..

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Hot Goss !

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Victoria Beckham - Has claimed in a new interview that she doesn't use fake tan, and that the "hot climate" she lives in is responsible for the colour of her skin. So she's out in her back garden in LA sunbathing every day, is she? We doubt that very much. Still, maybe she has stopped, and it's just that the sheer amount of fake stuff she's lathered on over the years has seeped in so far that it has become permanent? Posh explains, "I don't self-tan anymore; it's frustrating when people criticise my colour. It's the colour that I am! I wear sunblock, but I live in a hot climate!"

Prince Harry - There's going to be a movie made about Prince Harry. How very spiffing! Yep, the hottest Royal is to be the subject of a brand new movie entitled The Spare, which will chart his life from protected young prince to brave army officer. There's been no casting decisions made as yet, but the filmmakers have said they haven't ruled out using an American actor if they prove to be right for the part. Hmmm. It would have to be someone very hot, and ginger, naturally. We've put our thinking caps on and come up with a list of possibles. But who do you think could star as Harry...

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Life’s Lessons

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doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. Continued on page 14

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish. “Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Puff! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. An eagle was sitting on a tree resting,

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Life’s Lessons

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the

sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh@it is your friend. (3) And when you’re in deep sh@t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

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The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

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Through a Childs Eyes!

A budding young actor was very put out when he wasn’t picked to be Joseph in his school play. However he was asked to be Inn keeper No. 1 in an effort to keep him quiet, or so his teacher thought! When Mary & Joseph approached him to ask if there was any room at the inn, he replied: “Yes, come right in! We have a lovely room overlooking the pool!”

Happy Christmas

It was the week before Christmas and the teacher asked her class (9 year olds) to bring in something to do with the festive season. Next day the kids gave her; Cards, Tinsel, Baubles, Picture of the Nativity Piece of Christmas tree, etc,etc. She was delighted and congratulated them on their efforts. Just then Wee

Jimmy handed her a pair of knickers. She stuttered: “WWWhat have these to do with Christmas?” Wee Jimmy replied; “They’re Carol’s!”

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Santa had gone to the local primary school and had told the pupils that Rudolph’s nose was red as he had a cold. He asked the children if they had any ideas as to what would help him get rid of it. Various suggestions were made such as throat sweets etc. Then a boy suggested the pub. “Why the pub?” asked Santa “I don’t know, but when my dad gets a cold he always goes to the pub!”

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Illuminating From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it. Katharine Whitehorn I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Bernard Manning I stopped believing in Farther Christmas when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. Shirley Temple

Mail your presents early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Johnny Carson

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. Larry Wilde Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home. Carol Nelson

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree. Roy L. Smith

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying “Buy Buy”. Robert Paul

cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. Jay Leno

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The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers

The Supreme Court has ruled that they

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Oh, Thank’s ooh, er Things which sound rude at Christmas Have a go at slipping a couple in to the conversation this Christmas!

Thanks a lot! My word! What a gift. Well, well, well ... If I hadn’t put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly. 5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We’re always losing things around here. 6. It’s great; but I’m worried about the jealousy it may create. 7. Just my luck to get this, on the Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity. 8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5’s Witness Protection programme. 9. Frankly, I don’t deserve this. 10. Really, you shouldn’t have.

“Tying the legs together keeps it moist.” “Smother the butter all over the breasts.” “How long do I beat it before it's ready?” “Wow, that’s one terrific spread.” “Talk about a huge breast!” “Breast or leg?” “I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.” “Do you want stuffing?” “Don’t play with your meat.” “Are you ready for seconds?” “More meat darling?” “That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!” “If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst.” “Do you want me to put some cream on your pudding?”

1. 2. 3. 4.

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Here are ten useful phrases for Christmas presents you would rather not have received:

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A M a n’s W o r l d

Turn to ‘A Womans Page’ page 6, ‘if you dare,’ see how a ‘MAN’ does it. Statistics

Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms. Men say “Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag”.

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more situps/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body

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How To Shower Like a Woman

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A Christmas Letter

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her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the Christmas dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those b##@##ds at the post office! Sincerely, Edna”

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read; “Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension day. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna.” The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or

London Barber

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It’s Christmas old Celtic dish known as ‘frumenty’.

Wow your guest this Christmas dinner with some facinating facts about things we take for granted at Christmas time. Christmas has two address, Edinburgh and the North Pole. Letters addressed to ‘Toyland or ‘Snowland’ go to Edinburgh, but letters addressed to ‘The North Pole’ have to be sent there because there really is such a place!

England

has only ever known seven white Christmases’ in the entire twentieth century.

Queens Christmas speech was televised for the first time in 1957.

Christmas

crackers were first invented by Thomas Smith. He had imported some French novelties to sell as Christmas gifts, but these were not popular until he wrapped them up and added a snapper.

Germany, the twelfth night is also known as ‘The Three Kings Day’.

The

word Christmas is Old English, a contraction of Christ's Mass.

pudding originates from an

Continued on Page 32

Tel - Fax 952 587 549

Christmas

The

old wives’ tale says that bread baked on Christmas Eve will never go mouldy

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Farther

Each year between 34-36 million Christmas Trees are produced to cope with the holiday demand.

For each and every special occassion from €1

Roll Wrapping Paper

Old Fashioned Sweets

Single Cards

aniseed balls, sherbert lemons, wine gums, cola cubes, treacle toffee ... and lots more.

For all relations

Boxed Cards Beautiful Ballon Displays - archways, centre pieces & personalised

Complete Party Planning

Open All Day - Monday to Saturday Main Street La Cala, Three shops away from the Tabac (tobacconist)

8,800€

KAWASAKI 96, 1500cc ......... 4,999€

SEAT IBIZA 2008 ........... 10,500€

MERCEDES ML270 CDI.......14,000€

VOLVO S60 2002 ..................4,400€

LINCOLN MOD, 2001......... 7,999€

CITROEN BERLINGO 1.9D.....3,600€

SAAB CABRIOLET, AUTO.......7,999€

FORD GALAXY X2 FROM.... 3,600€

JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE...... 2,900€

SMART PASSION, CAB ............. 5,900€

BMW 320 D, 01, ............... 6,900€

FIAT PUNTO, X2 01,02 .... 1,900€

FREELANDER 1.8 2002........7,400€ OPAL CORSA 2003, DIESEL...3,300€ RENAULT KANGOO D X2 .......3,300€ MERCEDES SLK 230, PEFECT CONDITION.

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MERCEDES CLK 320 CABRIO, 2002, AUTO .........9,999€

LANDROVER DISCOVERY AUTOMATIC 80,000 KM

CHRYSLER STRATUS.............2,600€

PORSCHE CARRERA GT, 2000, AUTOMATIC ...34,900€

FORD MAVERICK V6 03 ...........4,999€

JEEP GRAN CHEROKEE..........8,800€

It’s Christmas in Victorian England were popularly called ‘robins’. This was because of their uniforms were red. Victorian Christmas cards often showed a robin delivering Chrismas post.

the nineteenth century, the British Post Office used to deliver cards on Christmas morning.

Christmas

pudding was first made as a kind of soup with raisins and wine in it.

Electric

Its

not until the twelfth Night that the figures of the three kings are supposed to be added to the Christmas nativity.

1843, the first Christmas card was created on the instructions of an Englishman, Sir Henry Cole. J.C. Horsley designed the card and sold 1000 copies in London.

1647, the English paliment passed a law that made Christmas illegal. The ban was lifted only when the Puritans lost power in 1660.

Tree lights were first used just three years after Thomas Edison had his first mass public demonstration of electric light in 1879. Thomas Edison’s assistant. Edward Johnson, came up

with the idea of electric lights for Christmas trees in 1882. His lights were a huge hit. It was a number of year before they became available to the general public.

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Postmen

•Well Womens Clinic (Cervical Smears, breast examinations) •Full Health Assessments •Dyslexia Assessments •Complimentary Therapists •Counseling service •Hypertension management

A Nurse led service providing an innovative and holistic approach to healthcare that brings the values and practices of a British Health Centre to the Costa del Sol, enabling you to access a service that is familiar. •Community Mental Health team Mens Health Clinic (Includes PSA, Testicular examination) •Care Coordination Centre •Asthma Clinic •Diabetes Management •Vaccination Clinics

Tel: 952 83 57 76 www.clinicamedicare.com Located in La Cala de Mijas just around the corner from the BP petrol station. Ample parking. 32

On the Coin Road (A404), 3 km out of Alhaurín el Grande 20 minutes from La Cañada and the coast.

WE ARE NOW IN OUR 6TH YEAR! Luxury Pet Transportation throughout Europe by land Professional Grooming Salon for Dogs & Cats Pet Boutique with Pet Treats & Accessories Be a step in front of the Boutique Dog Hotel law and avoid a fine... Beautiful Secluded Cattery We now stock and supply: • Dog Car Harnesses with seatbelt attachments Grooming Courses • Dog Guards for cars Complete Dog Food "Posh Nosh" • Travel Crates Pet ID Tags - Now engraved onsite Bespoke Travel Cages - Custom Cages Residential Obedience Training for your dog Our own produced ‘Herbal Tonic’ for pets Tuesday evenings 5pm-7pm Mobile British Vet Clinic

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• • • • • • • • • • • •

Collection & delivery ‘Pet Taxi’ service is offered

Telephone: 952 597 035

Visit: www.poshpetsspain.com

ocal Info Central number for Fire, Police & Ambulance National Police Local Police Guardia Civil dica

112 091 092 062

Medical

Emergency 061 Ambulance Marbella 902 505 061 Ambulance Coin 952 453 267

(Marina)

Cinemas

Transport Bus Stations Marbella 952 764 400 Coin 952 450 366 San Pedro 952 781 396 Estepona 952 800249 For a list of complete times www.andalucia.com/travel/bus Train Timetables 902 240 202 Airports Malaga 952 048 844 Gibraltar 956 773 026

Health Centres

Marbella 952 769 946 Coin 952 452 767 San Pedro 952 787 700

Town Halls

Marbella 952 761 100 San Pedro 952 453 020 La Cala de Mijas 952 493 208 Fuengirola 952 589 300 Estepona 952 801 100

Fire Brigade Emergency number 080 Marbella 952 774 349 Estepona 952 804 483 Fuengirola 952 461 046

Markets

Consulates

952 952 952 952 952 952 952

British Ireland Denmark Sweden Germany France U.S.A

352 475 226 604 212 226 474

300 108 373 383 442 590 891

Tourist Information

Marbella Coin Estepona Fuengirola San Pedro

952 771 442 952 822 818 952 822 818 952 467 457 952 785 252

All the Cinemas listed below show films in English as well as Spanish. Call first to check what is showing that week. Marbella: Cinesur Plaza del Mar 952 766 941 La CaĂąada 902 333 231 Puerto Banus: Gran Marbella 952 810 077 Coin: La Trocha 951 315 039 Fuengirola Cinesur Miramar 902 221 622

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Emergency Numbers

Monday - Marbella (fairground site on east side) Tuesday - Fuengirola (fairground near Los Boliches) Wednesday - Estepona (Avda. Juan Carlos) La Cala - Feria ground Thursday - San Pedro (Recinto Ferial) Alhaurin el Grande - (La Fama) Friday - Alhaurin el Grande (Bar Aquamania) Saturday - Coin (Calle Urbano Pineda) La Cala - Feria ground. Sunday - Puerto Estepona

Chemists 24 hour chemist Urb. Artola, Ctra. Cadiz Km 194. Marbella. Tel: 952 83 25 89

Taxis Marbella Taxis 952 774 488 Mijas Costa Taxis 952 476 593

Diary Dates 6th December - Day Of The Constitution. 8th December - Immaculate Conception. 25th December - Christmas Day. 26th December - St Stephenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Day. Public Holiday in Andalucia. (Boxing Day)

if you would like to sponsor this page please call 663 061 669

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We welcome you to visit our Showrooms in the centre

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Of LA CALA DE MIJAS We have been an established family business for over 5 years. We provide a quality range of furnishing and associated products whilst focusing on a high level of friendly and reliable ‘customer service’

P R O D U C T S A N D S E RV I C E S

SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL FLOORS - Karndean Authorised Stockist. FED UP OF COLD MARBLE OR CERAMIC FLOORS?

We have the perfect solution our customized luxury vinyl flooring can be laid on top of your existing floor making it warmer underfoot. Over 100 designs to choose from. G L A S S C U R TA I N S . 1 0 m m F r a m e l e s s G l a s s S y s t e m

By having your Terrace or Balcony glazed, you enlarge the living area for all year round use, plus Winter warmth retention, Noise reduction and a Cleaner interior. Competitive Pricing - Professional Design and Installation

I N D I V I D U A L H O M E F U R N I T U R E PA C K A G E S

From one room to a complete home. Free no obligation visit.

FURNISHINGS INDOOR AND OUTDOOR

Lounge / Dining / Bedroom / Outdoor terrace Furniture. Suites, Sideboards, Table and Chairs, Pictures, Mirrors, Lamps, Cushions

MADE TO MEASURE AND READY MADE CURTAINS AND ALL TYPE OF BLINDS to suit your window requirements.

A L L B U I L D I N G W O R K A N D R E F O R M S K I T C H E N S A N D B AT H R O O M S Painting and Decorating including wallpapering, plus 20 years Plastering experience. Suffering with damp we can help!

VAN AND REMOVALS. Collection and Delivery Service.

PLEASE CALL SIMON OR MELANIE IF WE CAN HELP OR GIVE ADVICE ON ANY OF OUR PRODUCTS OR SERVICES

CALL: 9 5 2 4 9 2 1 5 4

637 787 980

e-mail info@naturalhabitatspain.co www.naturalhabitatspain.com

month

663 061 669

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Telephone:

SPECIAL LUNCHTIME MENU 12PM - 4PM STARTERS Spring Roll, Special Salad, Chicken and Sweetcorn/Tomato/Hot and Sour Soup or Spare Ribs.

The Sussex Bar

MAIN COURSE

Beef with Blackbean/Oyster/Chinese Mushroom and Bamboo/Curry or Chicken with Cashew Nuts/Sweet and Sour/Curry or Prawns with Vegetables or Sweet and Sour Fish (Hake)

RICE AND NOODLES

Special House Fried Rice, Boiled Rice or Noodles with Soya Bean Sprouts or Chips

DESSERTS

Coffee, Tea, Ice Cream, Cream Caramel or Fruit Main restaurant serving usual delicacies 6pm - 12pm

Food served 10am -10pm. Sunday Lunch 1pm - 9pm. Thursday quiz night, Friday darts league, Saturdays Karaoke. La Cortijera. La Cala.

Jardin Botanico, Local 16, La Cala de Mijas. Tel: 952 599 236. Mob: 685 578 743

KIDS XMAS PARTY

BOXING DAY

Sat 19th Dec Visit from Santa Karaoke 3pm Onwards

Karaoke

Mr And Mrs

CHRISTMAS LUNCH

Call for Details

NEW YEARS EVE DAY

Sat 19th Dec Visit from Santa Karaoke, 3pm Onwards

Call for Details

bars and restaurant guide

CHI ESE RESTAURA T

€20 a

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HONG KONG

Just

Great places to eat and drink in La Cala

ADVERTISE YOUR BAR OR RESTAURANT HERE

3 Course Choice of starter Traditional Lunch plus Desert Glass of Wine €30,00 Adult €15,00 Kids

3pm Onwards CAPTAINS SUNDAY LUNCH Beef/Chicken/Lamb /Pork From €8 inc Captains Desert BEST ON THE COAST

Booking Essential

ALL THE FAMILY WELCOME OVER CHRISTMAS PERIOD Las Adelfas No.11 Urb. Los Claveles

Tel: 952 599 238

Dibleys Tapas

Bar

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La Cala de Mijas, Opposite the church. Tel: 952 493 042

Totally Refurbished and Outside Courtyard

Tapas 12pm - 3pm & 6pm - 10pm English and Spanish mix Full menu available 6pm - 10pm Sunday - Sunday Roast only. 12pm - 10pm Beef/pork/lamb €8 Chicken €7

Christmas Lunch Sunday 13th and 19th December.

La Cala Lions Christmas Charity Quiz 16th December 15€ for 3 course meal including half a bottle of wine. All proceeds to La Cala Lions, please bring a present for the Children´s Ward, Costa De Sol Hospital. Christmas Quiz Night 22nd December

New Year´s Eve 3 Course Meal including Aperitif and half a bottle of wine per Jane and Stevesinging formerly from ‘to person 35€, Steve Summer to welcome in go’ the New year.

and Claire and Gary formerly from Captains Bar PLEASE CALL 952 493 763 TO BOOK ALL THE ABOVE.

Your Entertainment Guide Thursdays

Live Sports - Bar Shenanigans, Riviera del Sol. Quiz & Bingo - Bar Shenanigans, Riviera del Sol. Film Night - Bunkers Bar Bistro, Miraflores Driving Range.

Tuesdays Quiz Night - 10.00, Bunkers Bar Bistro, Miraflores Driving Range. Karaoke - Fools bar. El Zoco, Calahonda.

Wednesdays

Fridays

Karaoke - “Paul the Bear” Bar Shenanigans, 9.30pm Riviera del Sol. Fish & Chip Night - BunkersBar Bistro, Miraflores Driving Range. Bingo - Captains Bar, La Cala Fish and Chip Night - The Far Isle, Riviera del Sol. Dart League - Sussex Bar, La Cala.

La Cala

Quiz Night - Captains Bar, La Cala. Bingo & Quiz - 10pm Bunkers Bar Bistro, Miraflores Driving Range. Indian & Chinease Night -The Far Isle, Authentic Indian or Chinese Cuisine.

Karaoke - Fools Bar, El Zoco, Calahonda. Karaoke - 9pm, Charleys Bar, Riviera del Sol. Quiz Night - JJ’s Bar, Riviera del Sol. Karaoke - Sisters Bar, The Strip, Calahonda. Quiz - 80’s Quiz. Sisters Bar, The Strip, Calahonda.

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Mondays

great places to eat, drink and be entertained.

W h a t ’s O n

Continued on page 46

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Snack Attack Cafe - Bar

Due to popular demand Snack Attack is now open on Sundays 10am - 4pm for Breakfast, Lunch and our popular ROAST DINNER 2 courses for only 10 €

GREAT VALUE BREAKFAST ONLY 3.95€

Open from 7.30 for Quality Breakfast, Lunch and Sandwiches

LUNCH TIME SPECIALS (changes daily) KITCHEN NOW OPEN UNTIL 6PM Early EVENING TAPAS AVAilable

Everything available as take away for days out Why not take a baguette of your choice to the Local 26 Jardín Botánico, beach or airport? La Cala de Mijas NOW IN OUR 6 T H YEAR Tel: 952 493 184

On the Sunny Side of the Street

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Riviera del Sol

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Sit ‘n’ Go sports lounge broadcasting all the weekly action in comfortable, friendly surroundings. Open daily from 1pm until midnight. Wi-fi internet access. Frontline C.C.Calypso.

Calypso

Sit ‘n’ Go

Fuengirola

Nemos Bar

Front line Fuengirola port. Open all day. 6 days a week. Pool table and Sky Sports.

Y’S 0 .3 NDA MO ight 9 N o g Bin

Juliet Williams Rob Stevens Johnny G

Eve mas l t s i Chr Specia ent inm erta Ent

Paul B

La Cala

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DECEMBER

WE DN Qui ESDA z& Y Bing ’S o

Ev er y Thur sday, Fr i day, Sat ur d a y & S u n d a y

Gary Young

Jane Charles

Drifter Ron Terre It Takes Two

Find Us Across From The Newmarket Restaurant, La Cala

NEW YEA RS Spe EVE cial Par ty

fro Dow n m Ye the llo w hill Ca b’s

952 930 717

All live sports and premiere league football. Six TV’s and big screen. Full menu, Sunday roast and homemade tapas. Large sun terrace. Open 10amlate, seven days a week. Upstairs Los Jarales.

Sisters Bar

Tuesday To Sunday 10am to 10pm

Please Order 1 Hour Before For Our Best Service

Find Us Behind OPEN COR Riviera Edif. El Saladito 2, BC 3, Urb.Riviera del Sol, 29649 Mijas Costa

Friendly family bar with good food, tapas, live entertainment, karaoke and sports. Open seven days a week. The Strip, Calahonda Tel: 952 939 579

Calahonda

Take Away

Los Jarales

Harrys Sports Bar

For More Information Tel: 628 353 884

great places to eat and drink

Top Caberet Acts From The Coast

Ta s t e o f C h r i s t m a s Mulled Wine 2 clementines, peel of 1 lemon, peel of 1 lime 250g caster sugar 6 whole cloves 1 cinnamon stick 3 fresh bay leaves 1 whole nutmeg

2 star anise 2 bottles of Chianti, or other red wine

Villa Paradiso - Open since 1989

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Small friendly bar. Daily sport. Karaoke on Tues and Thursday. All football matches shown. First floor El Zoco (corner) Tel: 952 935 340

El Zoco, Calahonda

Fools Bar

Trafalgar Cocktail Bar

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Peel large sections of peel from your clementines, lemon and lime. Put the sugar in a large saucepan over a medium heat, add the pieces of peel and squeeze in the clementine juice. Add the cloves, cinnamon stick, bay leaves and about 12 gratings of nutmeg. Add the halved vanilla pod and stir in just enough red wine to cover the sugar. Simmer until the sugar has completely dissolved into the red wine and then bring to the boil for about 4 to 5 minutes, or until you’ve got a beautiful thick syrup. It’s important to do make a syrup base first because it needs to be quite hot, and if you do this with both bottles of wine in there you’ll burn off the alcohol. When your syrup is ready turn the heat down and add your star anise and wine. Gently heat the wine for about 5 minutes, ladle it into glasses and serve.

1 whole vanilla pod, halved

Method

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This is a real Christmas tradition of ours, and this Mulled Wine is one of the best we have tried, and tastes like Christmas in a glass.

Italian Restaurant

Italian restaurant. Taste the genuine Italian food in attractive decor. Open seven days a week, 1pm till late. C.C. El Zoco, first floor, Sitio de Calahonda. Tel: 952 932 042

ADVERTISE YOUR BAR OR RESTAURANT HERE Just

€20 a For before and after dinner drinks. Live music Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Open every evening until late. El Zoco First floor, Sito de Calahonda. Mijas Costa.

Telephone: 663 061 669

month

Ch ri s t m a s D a y L u n ch

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C h i lle d C a va O n Ar r iv al 5 C o u rs e s Fun Quiz

R e s e rva t i o n s N o w B e in g Taken

OPEN 7 DAYS 10am LATE

Torreblanca

Warm Friendly Atmosphere, Great Value For Money

ON THE BEACH FRONT IN TORREBLANCA

952 662 094

NOW AT

PORTSIDE CAFE - BAR

Everything direct from London Pie, Mash and Liquer Jellied Eels, Dressed crab, Whelks, Peeled prawns, Mussels, Winkles and much more! Eat In and Take Away Now supplying wholesale

Traditional and Vegetarian Fayre available including: Burgers, Lasagne, Currys, Chillis, Fresh salads, Homemade chips, All day breakfasts and much more. Quorn products, Childrens menu, and a selection of Desserts also available.

Open daily Tuesday Sunday 10.00 18.00 Frontline Fuengirola Port Marina. Tel: 672 028 226

Fuengirola

Cockles Seafood

bars and restaurant guide

THE WESSEX BAR

W h a t ’s O n Quiz & Fish n Chip Night - Grand Palms, Riviera Del Sol. Live Music - Trafalgar Bar, El Zoco. Disco70’s 80’s & Hog Roast - Vista del Mar 4th Dec. Candle Light Carols - Vista Del Mar 18th Dec.

Saturdays

Sundays

Sunday Roast & Live Music - Vista Del Mar. 1 till 6pm €10.95 Plus live music. Family Day- Grill Special by Chef, Grand Palms, Riviera. Live Entertainment - Mad Terry, from 5pm Shaggys, Fuengirola Port, Courtyard. Bingo - 10.00 Bunkers Bar, Miraflores. Sunday Roast - 1pm - 10pm, The Far Isle, Riviera del Sol. Live Music - 9pm, Charleys Bar, Riviera del Sol. Sunday Roast - All Day, Bunkers Bar Bistro, Miraflores Driving Range

Live Music - Bar Shenanigans, Riviera del Sol. Karaoke - Sister Bar. The Strip, Calahonda. Live Music - with Dave the Brave. Tony’s Bar, La Cortijera, La Cala Karaoke - Sisters Bar, The Strip, Calahonda. Live Music - Trafalgar bar, El Zoco, Calahonda.

All Live Sports - 5.30 - 9.45 Bunkers Bar Bistro, Miraflores Driving Range. Blues Brothers - Vista Del Mar 12th Dec. Shirly Bassey - Vista Del Mar 19th Dec.

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Fridays ‘cont’

“the heart and soul of the campo”

Text: 637 89 86 89 46

great places to eat, drink and be entertained

Your Entertainment Guide

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Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant and Take Away Open from 6pm - Midnight

Tel: 902 Indian(902 463 426)

CLMÂŠ2008

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C Mughal Village Urb. Torrenueva, Mijas Costa Fine Indian Cuisine. Restaurant and Take Away Open from 6pm - Midnight Tel: 902 463 426

CHARLEY’S BAR & RESTAURANT

Traditional Chinese Food. Takeaway menu. Special lunch menu only €6.95. Open 12.00-16.00 and 18.30-24.00 everyday. Riviera Commercial. Tel: 952 931 737

Papa Luigi

CHRISTMAS EVE - 4 Courses 20€ CHRISTMAS DAY - 4 Courses 25€ NEW YEAR EVE Karaoke & Buffet 10€ 8pm till Late Call Now To Book

Traditional Italian food. Fresh pasta, wood burning pizza oven, Open every day 12 - 11. Riviera Commercial, Tel: 952 934 496

bars and restaurant guide

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Ho g De ma ce na m y be Pa r rt y

Golden Sun

Great places to eat and drink in Riviera del Sol & Miraflores

oi Family Bar n us Internet on for th ou Quizzes and Karaoke e r 31 Live Entertainment st Pool Tables Games Machines Open for Food Closed Tuesdays Beachside, Riviera del Sol Tel: 952 935 676

Tel: 622 085 266

1ST FLOOR RIVIERA COMMERCIAL (NEAR THE CHEMISTS), RIVIERA DEL SOL, MIJAS COSTA

Great places to eat and drink in Riviera del Sol & Miraflores

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the terrace. No w F o r Ta k i n g Ch rist Book i ma s D ngs ay

Christmas Menu Now Available, Freshly Cooked Versatile Menu. Warm Friendly Atmosphere. Above Shenanigans, Beachside, Riviera del Sol Tel: 952 935 039. Closed Tuesdays.

Bunkers Bar Bistro

En Un Rincon De La Boca

RIVIERA DEL SOL WITH LARGE SUNNY TERRACE AND FANTASTIC VIEWS OVER THE MED. LIVE SPORT FUN QUIZ NIGHTS - THURS MUSIC NIGHTS Avenida del Golf

Breakfast, brunches, evening dinner and BBQ open 7 days a week from 10am. Wi-fi internet connection. Terrace available for private functions. Miraflores Driving Range. Tel: 952 939 381

Specialists in Argentinian grilled meat. Take away. Open daily 10.00 - 23.00. Closed Tuesdays. Las Terrazas de Miraflores Tel: 952 930 649

JJ’s Bar

SMALL FRIENDLY BAR

bars and restaurant guide

Beautiful panoramic sea and beach views from

Riviera del sol JJ’s Bar

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We can supply and fit a Power Saving System which will turn off electric when departing your appartment and turning it back on upon arrival saving lots of ENERGY!! Systems that you can text or phone to switch on or off the water heater or aircon. Water Heater timers installed. Solar Heated Swimming Pools Solar Heated Water and Much More ... Make the place greener and start saving money today.

Varsha Hair, Nails & Beauty Paul Mitchel - Crystal Clear - Guinot

Manicures & Pedicures Fibre/Gel/Acrylic Reflexology - Massage Spray Tanning - Sunbed Power Plate, - THE PREMIUM VIBRATION EXERCISE MACHINE NOW AVAILABLE

Urb. Jardines Atalaya (Isdabe)Ctra. Cadiz Km 168, Estepona

952 897 907 608 364 712

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Power Clean

P C

Professional Mobile Car Cleaning Service

Tel - 689 898 682

Mini Valet Hand wash and dry, interior vacum & polish, tyre & plastic dressing. From â&#x201A;Ź17.50 Marbella - Dequesa 7 Days a week 53

To Santa, Barbie ... Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is definitely pay back time!! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don’t want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my christmas wish list for this year, Santa.

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what’s with the earing anyway? If I’m going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller

are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

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Dear Santa,

Continued on Page 56

FUJITSU / GENERAL AIRCONDITIONING FULLY INSTALLED

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SPLITS FROM 550€ DUCTED FROM 2000€

Solar Water Heating Fully Installed From 1,000 euro

3 YEARS GUARANTEE

Servicing and repairs all makes & models. Service contracts.

TEL: 666 087 496

EMAIL: econocool@hotmail.es

offers:

Offex Easimail services •Royal Mail Services •UPS Courier •European & World wide mail •European & World wide courier •Express parcels road and air •British Passport renewal service •Local deliveries

To locate you nearest mail point please contact: Tel: 951 242 772 (09h00 -14h00) 676 502 347 (A/Hours) 202 Marbella Business Centre, Elviria, 29604 Email: marbella@offexspain.com

To Santa, Barbie ... 9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

7. A new career. A Vet and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

Wright Santa, that’s it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that simple. Yours truly, Barbie

It’s time to advertise in the

Costa Link Magazine

8. A new, more 90’s persona. Maybe a “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie”, sporting a Nicotine patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

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5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

Spas 4 You .Com

ALL INST

HOT TUBS & JACUZZI SPAS A spa for every size and budget

Estepona Poligono Please call to make an appointment to view. 902 88 11 02 617 63 92 15 www.spas4you.com email: info@spas4you.com

E Y FIR BER N A M FF ECE %O

IN D

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Ello Darlin Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes. Where you arrested earlier? It’s gotta be illegal to look that good? I guess you can kiss heaven goodbye. Because it has got to be a sin to look that good.

I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south? I hope you know CPR? Because you

I think there is something wrong with my phone. Could you try calling it for me to see if it rings? Can I borrow your phone please? (Why?) I need to phone God and tell him I have found his missing angel.

Excuse me, did you just touch my bum? (No!). Damn!

If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question? (think about it) Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

take my breath away.

I’ve lost that loving feeling, will you help me find it?

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How did you get on last month? No, not that great! Well try these, but remember Costa Link only want to know if they work. If they don’t then I am sorry but you got no hope...

Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven. I have only three months to live.

Good Luck & Happy Christmas

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The Immediate Collection and Delivery Service

Does He Exist ?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Farther Christmas has ever seen.

3. Farther Christmas has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Farther Christmas has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, Continued on Page 72

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Farther Christmas doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to

Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

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As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from a renowned scientific journal, I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Farther Christmas.

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Puzzle It Out

Solutions on page 94

Quick Crossword 12.Sprocket (3) 14.Beverage (3) 15.Provide evidence for (6) 18.Proprietor (5) 19.Saying (5) 20.Profit (4) 21.Ravine (6)

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Across 1.Second sign of the zodiac (6) 4.Professional cook (4) 7.Desert plants (5) 8.Arm bone (5) 10.Pressing (6)

Down 1. Diplomacy (4) 2. Unsure (9) 3. Merge (5) 5. Search for food (6) 6. Female relative (4) 9. Essential (9)

Picture Puzzles

11. Fish trap (3) 13. Powerful (6) 15. Halo (4) 16. Crown-like headdress (5) 17. Blood vessel (4)

Sudoku

Can you work out what common phrases or sayings these pictures represent?

Mathematical Teaser

The day before yesterday I was 25 and the next year I will be 28. This is true only one day in a year. What day is my birthday?

Say What You See... FUNNY Words Words Words FUNNY Words

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The average day is actually 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4.09 seconds. We have a leap year every four years to make up for this shortfall.

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Mmm..... medium pan with 4 tbsp port and the orange juice.

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Cranberry Sauce with Port

Stir in the remaining 1 tbsp port. Serve warm or cold.

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Does He Exist ?

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4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Farther Christmas, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindee” (see point 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload, not even counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc. This means that Farther Christmas’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run, tops 15 miles per hour.

Hold On... Theres More ... Page 82

F.A.M.A

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Everyday FAMA takes in animals who have been abandoned or mistreated and houses them safely. Unfortunately our kennels are only large enough to house a certain number of animals in need and we constantly seek loving homes for these animals. If you are looking for a dog but can’t see the one for you here, please visit the adoption tab on our website: www.f-a-m-a.net, where you will find many more looking for a home or contact: Pat Coleman on 620 354 885.

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Golf Tips And Tricks Try it but be honest about distance and what you can do.

Golfing About

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

When you stand on the tee to decide which club you are taking you must have also decided which club you will take for your next shot. Most golfers will say “how can I know how far I am from the pin or what I will have to get over?” If that is the case why are you playing the club in your hand and where are you aiming it to from the tee. Good course management is first deciding how you want to play the hole and then deciding how you are going to do it, what clubs you intend to use, and having your targets picked in your mind as you step to the tee.

club you will use and the shot you will play, with only a need to change your plans if a shot goes wrong.

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Play The Hole or Play The Shot? by Mark Silby of Miraflores Golf Academy

Here is an example: My 1st at Miraflores Golf Club Pin Position Back Of Green 1st shot 4 iron played at the down slope of the bunker left hand side of fairway will roll down, finishing centre fairway. 2nd shot lob wedge running pitch landing front edge running up to the pin finishing close to pin low side of the hole. 3rd shot birdie putt.

This is how I have decided I am going to play the hole and when everything goes right a birdie is on the card.

Basically don’t just play your first shot from the tee at the fairway then walk towards your ball scratching your head about what your intend to play next, play positive golf, have it worked out in your head then play to it.When the first shot goes right you will be stepping up to next already confident, knowing the

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Festive Funny Five Minutes 1 cup of sugar 4 large brown eggs

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level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer.

Christmas Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll need theCake following: 1 cup of water

Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

2 cups of dried fruit 1 teaspoon of salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice Nuts 1 Very Large Bottle of whisky Method

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

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Does He Exist ?

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Mmmm... but remember kids, when you stop believing in Farther Christmas is when you start getting clothes for Christmas...

5. So 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance, this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft’s re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be valorised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Farther Christmas, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Farther Christmas (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

1 2If you have reduced your prices, how will anybody know? 3Let everybody know about your special offers or sale prices. Without doubt the businesses in your field that are still advertising are the ones 4who are getting the calls for your product or services. Even though there is a recession, there are still people around with a disposable 5income who are looking for your product or service, there are just fewer of them

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Removals Storage Deliveries Collections House

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Connnect the Dots D

13 3

Li 11

16 6

15 5

4 42

8 82

80 0

When you conne ect the dots to reveal a Chr h istmas delight, this activity pag ge magically turns into a coloring page!

19 9

21 1

18 20

os 30

33 3 36 37

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Wintertime Matching Game

M The Snowman

New Toys

Milk & Cookies

Red Nose

Flakes

Skating

Mistletoe

Don't want to be caught out in the cold alone? Match up the chilly words on the left with their frosty friends on the right.

Frosty Santa's Nice List Elves Ice Snow

Reindeer

Santa's Naughty List

Coal Sleigh

Stockings Santa Claus

Fireplace North Pole

Mom & Dad Rudolph

32 34 35

6 61

6 63

5 57

56 5

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T he Jokes page

page

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

A Mum and Dad had just finished tucking lttle Tommy into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children’s room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, his Dad palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy’s ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully “Do it again, Dad!”

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. “Jesus Christ!” he shouted. Joseph said, “Write that down, Mary; it’s better than Clyde!”

sudden, there was a knock at the door. Farther Christmas, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. But he was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Farther Christmas, filled with rage threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, “Hello Mr Christmas! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?”

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Oh, sure, women will ‘say’ they want a man who can still view the world with childlike wonder, but watch how quickly they change their tune when you put a small garden snake down their pants.

W h y the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ... On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red trousers on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Farther Christmas was at boiling point. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was empty. Now he was really mad. All of

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get

together. “Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!” They all asked the farmer how it tasted. “I don’t know,” said the farmer, “I never can catch it!”

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S TA R S I GN S

A look at what's in store for you during December...

Leo

Virgo

Pisces

Get your accounts in order at the beginning of the month, who owes you what? And what do you owe? Once that's cleared away, you can focus on finding the perfect gift for everyone on your list. The 25th is a lucky day for you and on the 31st, you end the year on an up note!

Cancer

Aquarius

No matter how much you want to skip your workout and adjust your timesheets this month, don't. A few more days of strict self-discipline will bring the payoff you've been waiting for. You'll soon see the benefits, in the form of great energy, fantastic ideas and a sense of calm.

Libra

Aries

Basically, you're thinking about the world at large and your place in it. Sounds like pretty heavy stuff, but starting to understand yourself on some of these levels will only benefit you in the future. If you're stuck, turn to a trusted friend for advice.

All that hard, emotional work you've been doing is really starting to pay off. From confronting old fears to removing current ones, you've been dealing with feelings of insecurity that often hold people back and you can greet the last month of the year with confidence.

Taurus

Gemini

Is there an element of confusion in your life that you just can't seem to shake? It's time to devote all your energy into nailing this thing down. What is it, exactly, that's eluding you? Once you've simply identified the source of the confusion, you're more than halfway to resolving it.

You need to make an extra effort to ensure everyone is on your wavelength in your personal and professional life. A fundamental misperception could really throw you and that's the last thing you need right now. Clear the air and you’ll be rewarded for your flexibility.

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The month gets off to a pretty wonderful start. You've been working hard and your goals and a little well-deserved R-and-R are in sight! You'll be surrounded by dear Capricorn friends and supportive family and you should feel free to relax and bask in your achievements to date.

Scorpio

Your ego may be bellowing ‘feed me’ but now is not the time when you should give into that hungry ego. On the 5th, all that glitters is not gold and every offer on the table isn't quite as profitable as it may appear. Do some thorough research before you commit.

If you're single, you have a good chance of encountering somebody particularly cute at work on the 1st. If you're taken, you could encounter them, anyway. Luckily, you'll have so much in common with this person that a platonic friendship is a real possibility, too.

You are a smooth operator this month! Solving problems with grace and panache that impresses absolutely everybody. On the 10th, being overly possessive is not the best way to show your love for someone. Try to go beyond your old emotional limitations. It's definitely time to tackle that domestic issue head on. Your partner may well be feeling neglected and with all the festive parties this month be aware that jealously might rear its ugly head. Simply talking to your partner will aleviate many of their concerns.

Watch the pennies at the beginning of the month to avoid having to scrimp on pressies and miss out on festive celebrations later. Unless it’s something that will help you make Sagittarius money in the near future don’t buy it! Reflect on the past year and see if there are lessons to be learned.

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Computer Repairs & Sales

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Fitness

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