The Highs and Lows
Navigating University Life with Bipolar disorder By Tanya Sinha Every freshman comes to the university with a set of expec-
help, but seeking help is so much harder when you feel like
tations: friends, freedom and whether they like to admit it
there is something inherently wrong with you. You seek ac-
or not, romance. I was no different. When I first visited the
ceptance for who you are but you feel so flawed you reject
campus from India, I was enthralled. The magnificent gar-
yourself.
dens, the clean architecture, the modern yet traditional landscaping made me fall in love with the campus almost instan-
One thing University life affords you in spades is freedom.
taneously. Navigating life in CU, however, was not as easy as
In the absence of a rigid structure, you're free to live your
falling in love with its beauty. Like any relationship, it was
life as you please. You feel the urge to let go, to live life unin-
fraught with ups and downs. As your professor in UGFN will
hibited. I know I did. When the mania set on, I felt godlike. I
teach you, life is composed of Yin and Yang. The good and the
partied hard and frequently, stayed up for nights on end and
bad. The difference made even more stark with a condition
aced my essays. I had peaked. I lived and I lived recklessly. I
like Bipolar Disorder.
made friends with strangers at LKF, dated a series of men I never wanted to commit to and worked out at the state-of-art
I started college as a young girl full of life and energy. I at-
Uni gym like I was training for the Olympics. I smoked like a
tended school regularly and had a diverse group of friends.
chimney, drank like a fish and studied like a scholar. My life
However, what no one tells you about that the first year in
had no balance. I knew there was something wrong with me.
University is how lonely it can get. You're surrounded by peo-
But I felt so powerful, what could possibly be wrong? My con-
ple you've never met, you feel the pressure to get out of your
fidence soared during those manic episodes. I truly felt like
comfort zone and socialize, you put on a happy go lucky mask
acing my economics midterm edged me closer to becoming
so as that you are liked and accepted. You desperately look for
the next Warren Buffet.
a connection beyond acquaintances. And eventually, you find one. Life in University will feel lonely, but here, you will also
I finally sought help in my third year of college. The medica-
meet your best friends. You will yearn for home and familiar-
tion helped my condition significantly. It eliminated the er-
ity; however, you have to have the courage to move forward
ratic pattern of my mood swings, helping me set into a regular
and start anew.
routine. Therapy helped me regain my confidence. I learned how to trust myself. I realized I was worthy of love despite my
Living with mental illness made the adjustment much harder
condition. Soon after, I settled into a stable relationship with
for me. Being a part of a different culture, miles away from
a supportive, loving man. I met my best friend, my soulmate.
my homeland, I felt alienated and alone. The loneliness can get overbearing. I struggled to put on the happy mask that ev-
Bipolar disorder affects every 1 in 10 adults. Given those sta-
eryone now associated me with. I withdrew from my friends
tistics, someone reading this has felt the way I have felt. They
for days on end, watching Netflix in a dark room, thinking
have felt devastated and broken. They have felt agitated and
about the issues I had left unresolved back in India. Life was
out of control. This article is love to them. To help them un-
a struggle. I weathered on beaten and broken, wondering why
derstand that they do not have to suffer alone, that no matter
I was cursed to feel the way I did. It's incredibly hard to talk
how hard life gets, there is someone out there who under-
about a mental illness, despite the monumental effort made
stands their struggle.
by our University to generate awareness. You're yearning for
26
